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That was a lot better! I found it a lot easier to follow!
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
I’m glad! I hoped I made it clear enough.
What about pacing? Does it go to fast?
Alpha: "It's not Nar's cooking, is it?"
Nae: "Would I try to poison you?"I’m glad! I hoped I made it clear enough.
yes, it was pretty clear!
What about pacing? Does it go to fast?
it did seem to go a little fast, but i don’t think it was too fast.
the only thing that still jumps out to me is a handful of the sentences at the beginning. i don’t know how to describe them, maybe… clunky?
Once down to the road, he drew his knife again, laying himself down on the road upon his side. His knife rested, ready to be thrown at minutes notice, and his ear pressed to the ground. He didn’t wait long before there was a pounding of many hooves and feet, rumbling the ground.
like this one… the first sentence is three separate actions that just don’t flow? I might rewrite that as “Once down to the road he laid himself down upon his side, knife drawn..” or something like that.
I think there just seems to be a lot of commas that make the sentences run on…
idk if that made sense. 😅
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
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