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also that’s so sad how Sef’s dad just left. But I can’t say I haven’t done the same. Something similar happened to the protagonist and her twin brother in my current WIP…..
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
I think I should have written stuff that should be rated higher then a PG13 if it was a movie. lol. (Violence level anyways.) I think it really matters why you’re writing it and what is the goal and the message and the point. ya know. And also how graphic it is. as it was, Sara’s chapter was not graphic at all.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
If you don’t mind me asking, are you over 16??
Ummmmmm
…
…
…
I’m 14 and don’t turn 15 until September…
…
I hope I’m correct in assuming that the book will be 16+ as well because oof……that may be the darkest thing I’ve ever seen on this site……
I don’t think I’m going to have it be 16+, more like 14+ since that’s how old I am right now.
Also, if you look up An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir, it’s like the most DARK book ever, and it has repeated, graphic mentions of like what happened to Sef’s mom, and what makes me mad is it’s 12+!!!! (look it up)
Mine isn’t graphic, like @ellette-giselle said, and there’s a reason behind why I wrote what I did.
So I kind of feel bad for posting that, should I not have posted that scene? I did put trigger warnings, but should I still not have?
And about Sef’s dad…
He’s not actually the bad guy everyone thinks he is.
Just wait…
also, what exactly are Pythonos may I ask? Because I see from other parts of the story that humans and Andromedans can interbreed, creating Paynes, and they can all become Pythonos (I’m assuming there are no Payne Pythonos but it’s possible considering the parent species), but what is different about all these different types?
Pythonos are regular Andromedans (or humans or Paynes) that have actively turned away from the Great One and made a comittment to serve the Master (basically Satan). Evil overcomes them, and they lose all capacity to love and care. All they seek is power.
Pythonos’ power is lies/dark magic.
Their power to cast spells come from believed lies. They have to tell a lie and have someone believe it, and then they get power to use their “magic”. If someone doesn’t believe a lie and/or confronts them, they lose power.
Does that make sense?
(Go back to the prologue for more details.)
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Y’all…I have to hurry up and post the next chapters so you don’t think I’m just a psychopath teenager…
heh..heh…
Chapter 9
Strange Magic
Lilitu stood at the edge of Farnbron Brook, trying—and failing— not to gag.
The smell was especially bad tonight.
It was always worse during the warmer months, and now it was the middle of summer.
Though, the smell wasn’t what bothered him. It was the fact that he would have to wade across. Barefoot. And with his balancing skills-or lack thereof, at any moment he might lose his footing and become submerged in the brook, which was more pungent than the sewage that ran below the streets of Lir.
In a way, the brook was sewage, as the Aquinos upstream coped with their unprovoked hatred of the Paynes by dumping their refuse into the stream, which coincidentally ran directly through the slums.
It wasn’t fair.
Nothing was fair.
Lilitu felt the anger rising again. He hated the Pythonos, as much as he feared them, the wraiths cloaked in black, carrying pistols and daggers to strike down all who dared resist.
The water lapped at Lilitu’s ankles as he edged closer to the rancid, foul, river.
Everything in him told him that his foot should not belong in something that smelled worse than Cassian’s socks, but he knew that standing there at the edge of the Brook, lamenting the task before him, wasn’t going to teleport him across. And so Lilitu steeled his will, held his breath, rolled up his trousers past his knees, and plunged his foot into the murky waters. Don’t think about the texture, don’t think about the smell, Lilitu warned himself. And definitely don’t think about that unidentified brown…thing…floating over there.
With a cry, he winced in pain as a stone jabbed his foot, causing him to stumble. It was sheer luck that he managed to stay upright. He sucked in a breath between his teeth and continued on.
The water only came up to his knees, but with only one good foot, the current was strong enough to sweep him away if he was not careful. He precariously balanced on rocks that could give way at a moment’s notice, and several times he almost fell.
Finally his torture ceased and he climbed up onto the opposite bank, feeling quite dirty and grimy. His twisted foot throbbed with pain sharper than a knife, and he sat down on a flat rock to rest it. The sound of the Falls roared in his ears.
Distinctly he felt the pain in his foot diminish, and so he pulled himself to his feet.
His foot throbbed with agony, and it was all he could do not to double over with pain.
Lilitu muttered a swear under his breath, hobbling in the direction of his house.
The birds were singing in the trees, singing joyfully.
And right now Lilitu wanted to strangle them.
The birds had no right to sing. They had never experienced starvation, poverty, they had never had to wade across the Farnbron Brook. They taunted Lilitu with their wings, how they soared across the expanses, freely, defying gravity.
A gloomy cloud settled over Lilitu. His foot ached. His pride was bruised, and he was so, so tired and frustrated and-
His foot connected with a large rock.
He let out a string of choice words before he could stop himself.
“That’s a naughty word.” A familiar voice stopped his heart, and he froze.
In that moment, Lilitu realized he wasn’t as alone as he had thought. In his dogged state, he’d walked right past the sorting piles, where many laborers sorted bits and pieces to try to sell them and hopefully make a living. Sef looked up from her work and smiled at him, turning Lilitu’s brain to senseless fluff.
He was mortified. There he was, swearing like a bartender, stinking like sewage, and limping along as if he had just been in a catfight. Of course Sef would be there. This day just keeps on getting better and better. He groaned. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” Sef’s eyes lit up with amusement as she put a finger to her red lips, now upturned into a smile that made Lilitu’s heart flutter where it beat in his ribcage. Climbing down the pile with the grace of a doe, she leapt down to join him, her dark hair waving behind her like a banner.
“So, where have you been?” she tilted her head to the side. “You missed your shift.”
Lilitu was too caught up in the realization that she had actually noticed that he was missing that he forgot to answer, until an awkward silence filled the space between them.
“Nothing,” he said quickly, his cheeks burning.
“Does that ‘nothing’ have anything to do with that loaf of bread?” Sef raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” Lilitu said, too tired to be mysterious. “I stole it.”
“Oh gosh,” Sef shook her head. “Getting right to the honesty, are we?”
“Yeah,” Lilitu said, though he had no idea what Sef had just said. He was too busy staring into her eyes as if he were possessed. Stop looking at me! He wanted to scream at her. Don’t you see that every time you look at me, I lose all my sanity?
“Do you need me to go away so you can let out another string of cuss words?” Sef cocked her head to the side, sending cascades of her hair down her back.
“I’m sorry,” he shook his head. “I’ve just had a rough day.”
“Yeah, I get that,” Sef nodded. “Still, I can go away if you want,” she made a move to leave.
“No!” Lilitu said, a little too loudly. Sef raised an eyebrow. “Uh-” he stammered, “You don’t have to do that.” Sef smiled again.
Stop it! He shook his head as if to clear the butterflies swarming around his head. Sef stared at him inquisitively .
He could tell Sef was talking, he saw her lips moving, but he didn’t hear a word of it.
He was no longer able to form more than one word thoughts and ideas, all common sense seemed to evade him.
He didn’t know how she did it, but Sef always put him in a better mood. It was like magic.
***
As Sef put more distance between herself and Lilitu, the mask slipped off.
Great, shuddering sobs shook her whole body as she walked home, alone.
She cried for her mother, for the unborn child, for herself.
How could her life have shattered in so many ways?
She tried to smile whenever she was around Lilitu or the others, tried to ignore the fact that something was so horribly wrong, yet the pain never ceased.
She hurt.
Hurt so much that it was like a physical pain, her soul crying out for relief that never came.
And no one saw it.
All they saw was a girl filled with joy, always smiling, laughing, always happy.
They knew nothing.
They were all fools.
Because that same girl cried herself to sleep every night.
The same girl who everyone adored, was perhaps the loneliest girl that had ever graced Andromedan soil.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333It was really good! I don’t think I have any comments on that one!
As for what @keilah-h has been saying, I can’t say that I agree. Stuff like that happens, and Like I said before it was not graphically mentioned and it has a purpose. As for age ratings….. ugh, that stuff is so stupid now. It’s been so twisted and more and more bad stuff gets into younger and younger age ranges. Honestly, I ignore the age ranges and instead I read about the book, about the author, and what people have said and talk to people I know who have read said book. I don’t care a fig what the seller says is the right age, because most times they’re wrong.
And, I don’t think it should be an age thing to begin with, honestly. I think every child is different at a different age. My brother watched The Lord of The Rings when he was ten. His friend watched it when he was seven, and another friend is 12 and has still never seen it. (and would be scared to death if he did) Ya-know. I think it all depends on the child, what they’ve been exposed to, and what their parents allow in the home.
So yeah, there’s my say. I think you’re fine, Sara and you were perfectly ok to post that.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Okay, here we go for chapter 7.
too unfortunate to get out of their path.
This phrasing sounds a bit awkward. I had to parse through it in my head for a second to get it. Something like “unfortunate enough to be in their path” might work a bit better.
that that cart that was now a pile of ashes, could have been him.
That’s a lot of “that”s. Maybe you could just replace the second one with a “the”?
Livia’s family, one of the wealthiest Aquinos in Lir, were secretly Payne sympathizers. If they were found out…Lilitu shuddered. There was no telling what the Pythonos could and certainly would do to them.
By this point, you’ve managed to convince me that this social situation works. Congratulations!
I liked this chapter. I remember this scene was a lot different in earlier drafts, and I like how you’ve changed it.
On to chapter 8!
skills-or lack thereof, at any moment
Here’s another place were you want the em dash instead of a hyphen. In this instance, you’ll also want one closing out the interjection, like this: “skills–or lack thereof–at any moment”
This chapter was good too. The only thing I’m thinking is, could it just be combined with the previous one? This one picks up right where it left off, and basically just finishes the scene. It’s not necessary, but it might make sense.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI have been reading the chapters you’ve been posting but I just haven’t really had any comments cuz I’m bad at critiquing :p they’re all really good, though.
I can’t say I agree with Keilah, either.
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
I didn’t mind that new revelation because it was barely mentioned. It goes right over a little kid’s head. And a Pythonos/Payne baby is an interesting challenge.
But I understand @keilah-h because the age at which you learned about these things makes a difference. If a teen writer is new to real-world dark stuff, they like to add it into stories just to prove they know about darkness.
I don’t think you’re doing that. Idk, those are my thoughts.
“Everything is a mountain”
This is still a serious topic though, I agree with you. I’ve seen darker on this website from a graphic perspective. Not to attack Godly, but she once posted a roleplay with a rather disgusting abuse description. I had to skip over it for my little sisters.
The abuse topic is strange to me. I feel almost numb to it because we’ve talked about it so. Many. Times.
Frankly, most people are just trying to figure life out through this. I don’t think these things are added for plot reasons, I think they are really, really there because teens are fascinated and overwhelmed with everything in life. And I guess it’s healthy to work through it somehow. I just hope we are all willing to talk about this with irl people.
I’m not talking about Sara, just teen writers.
“Everything is a mountain”
Thanks that makes me feel a little better!
And I know it’s weird that I’m only 14 and are writing about this kind of stuff…
And what’s even more strange is that I was never ever exposed to violence or horror movies or bad books as a young child. So at eight years old when I started writing about slavery and kidnappings left and right (and murders and torture chambers)…my parents were MORE than concerned.
I think I’ve just been captivated by the battle between good and evil, light and darkness. Sometimes life doesn’t have happy endings. Sometimes life is HARD. So I write about it.
It’s not cuz I’m just like “Okay I need something super dark to write about cuz let’s just torture my charries!!! Yay!!!” I’m trying to be real and show how even when it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face, there is always hope. There’s always light, and Jesus is always carrying you through it.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I think I’ve just been captivated by the battle between good and evil, light and darkness. Sometimes life doesn’t have happy endings. Sometimes life is HARD. So I write about it.
It’s not cuz I’m just like “Okay I need something super dark to write about cuz let’s just torture my charries!!! Yay!!!” I’m trying to be real and show how even when it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face, there is always hope. There’s always light, and Jesus is always carrying you through it.
YES! Oh Man, I thought I was the only one who even felt that way! My favorite scenes ever are death scenes and super hard, bad, rough scenes for the character when it’s a Christian author because THAT is when there is the most light! When it’s a secular author those scenes are just dark and hopeless. No I love the dark scenes, because the darker the night, the brighter the light.
The light will not shine if there is no darkness.
And what’s even more strange is that I was never ever exposed to violence or horror movies or bad books as a young child.
Same, I never was. I was exposed to courage, faith, love for Christ, sacrifice, and willingness to die for faith and/or for another. I too have been captivated by the struggle between light and dark, good vs. evil.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
This phrasing sounds a bit awkward.
I’m cringing…
WHYYY
apparently I didn’t edit it as well as I thought…
Ooops yeah I’ll fix that.
That’s a lot of “that”s.
NOOOO I’M CRINGING AGAIN
what was I thinking?!? I just committed a crime…to use the same word three times in a sentence…how could I?!?!
By this point, you’ve managed to convince me that this social situation works. Congratulations!
Okay haha (it took like 8 chapters though XD XD)
Yeah sorry about that…sometimes when I have an idea in my head I can’t make it make sense on paper!!! And I do a horrible job of explaining, as you have seen. And usually the plot holes are not just holes, they are more like huge pits or vacuums XD
skills–or lack thereof–at any moment
Okay I’ll fix that, thanks!!!
could it just be combined with the previous one?
Yeah, I can change that.
Thanks for your help!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@anyone
Chapter 11
Wolves
“Sef?”
Sef looked up from sweeping the floor, and saw Neveah standing in the doorway.
“What is it?”
“We’re forgetting something,” Neveah smiled wryly.
“Forgetting something?” Sef repeated, confused.
“Yes. We’re forgetting to think of names for the child.”
A knot of anger grew in Sef’s stomach.
“We’re going to name it?” she clenched her teeth.
How could they accept this…child, whose father was a Pythonos? How could it ever be part of their family?
Neveah frowned. “Of course. Although the circumstances aren’t desirable, by any means, I’m going to treat my child as a son or daughter.” she looked at Sef, and it was as if she could see right through her. “I know you’re angry about what happened to me. I am, too. But I’m not going to stoop to their level and cast this child out to the wolves. I would be no different than the Pythonos!”
Sef nodded, the tumultuous emotions dissipating. She knew her mahnith was right, as she always was. But that didn’t make coming to terms with what happened any easier.
“Oh, and Sef?”
Sef looked into her mother’s eyes, trying to shove down to the bottom of her soul every trace of bitterness.
“You’re going to name the child.”
***
Sef sat on a large rock by the Farnbron Brook, furiously writing down names, squeezing the pencil so tight that her fingertips were white.She hated this.
She hated the Pythonos for what they did to her mother.
She hated the unborn child Neveah carried, a forever reminder of the evils wrought upon them.
She hated her father for leaving.
And she hated the task of picking out the perfect name.
There were so many beautiful names out there; how could she pick just one?
Every time she thought of one she liked, she found another one that was better.
Letting out a yell of frustration, she threw both pencil and paper into the Brook, and watched the swirling, churning waters carry them away.
Falling backwards onto her back, she lay there, breathing hard, hands clenched into fists, desperately hoping that the blue sky would calm her temper.
But it didn’t.
“Why would You do this to me?” Tears blurred her vision. “Why?!” Sitting up in fury, she continued, “All my mahnith’s done is serve. She gives herself to everyone! She’s the kindest person I know, and You repay her with this? What kind of sick god are You?”
And then in an instant, the anger left her.
She brought her knees to her chest and sobbed on the rock, her tears dripping off the end of her nose and falling into the Brook.
“Sef!”
She caught her breath as she saw Lilitu standing on the other side of the Brook.
How long had he been watching her?
She wiped her tears, and smiled. “Hi, Lilitu.”
As if she hadn’t just cried her eyes out.
As if her mother hadn’t been hurt by a Pythonos.
As if her life wasn’t falling apart.
But Lilitu wasn’t fooled.
Sef cringed as he started to cross the Brook. Why did he have to see her like this? Why couldn’t he just go away?
She blinked back more tears, and took a deep breath, ready at any moment to put the mask back on.
“Were you crying?” Lilitu’s voice snapped her back to the present. He stood in front of her, blocking her view of the Brook.
“No, not at all,” she said, smiling, but it was forced and not at all like her. She prayed she was convincing enough.
“You were crying,” he observed. “Your eyes are all red.”
“Look at you, Mr. Detective,” she snapped. “Yes! Yes I was crying! Okay? Do you have a problem with that? Can’t a girl cry in peace?” She turned her face away. Just go away.
Lilitu did not, in fact, go away. Shocker. She rolled her eyes as he sat next to her on the rock.
“What’s wrong? Did someone say something about your pani again? I’ll kill them if-”
“No, no one said anything,” Sef said through her teeth.
“Then what-”
“It’s my mani,” Sef said in a low voice, forming her hands into fists and clenching them so hard that her knuckles turned white. “She was hurt by a Pythonos in the middle of the night two weeks ago and now she’s pregnant.”She was painfully aware of how her voice, getting louder and louder by the second, was now echoing in the clearing. “She’s pregnant with Rrath’s child!” She screamed, bringing her fists down on the rock, over and over again. “And I’m supposed to name it!”
And now she was sobbing again, swaying back and forth on the rock, not even caring that Lilitu was there.
Lilitu sat there in stunned silence, staring at her as if she were possessed.
And then he slowly put an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him.
Sef stiffened, but she let him hold her, leaning her head on his shoulder and soaking his shirt with her tears.
“Sef, I-”
“Don’t,” she hiccupped. “Don’t try and tell me everything will be okay. Because it won’t. My mani can barely walk. My pani left us! And I’m working two jobs just to put crumbs on the table every night, day after day, and–and the Great One sits there and does nothing!”
There was a long moment of silence.
“Sef, why didn’t you say anything? I didn’t know! I could have been here for you, but I ignored you! I’m such a bad friend.”
Sef dared to look up, and saw Lilitu’s eyes misting over.
“You’re not a bad friend,” she finally said. “You’re my best friend,” she said so quietly she wasn’t sure he heard. “You’re always here for me. You believe in me when I can’t believe in myself.”
“You’re my best friend, too,” Lilitu said softly. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I want you to know I’ll be here if you want to talk or pray together…if you need anything, or if you just need a break, just come over.”
Sef saw in his eyes he meant it.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away,” a silent tear escaped. “I just…I don’t know. I guess I thought that if I ignored the problem it would go away.”
“That never works,” Lilitu laughed a little. “Trust me, I know.”
“Sorry for yelling at you,” Sef bit her lip.
“It’s okay.” Lilitu smiled at her.
And then for the first time in two weeks, Sef smiled a genuine smile.
And she felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.
***
Sef looked across the table. I can’t do this anymore.Every second of silence was agony.
“Mahnith?”
“What is it, Sef?” Neveah looked up from her dinner in surprise.
“I’m sorry,” Sef blurted out. “I was so awful to you about the baby, I was angry about what happened to you and took it out on you.”
“Oh, Sef,” Neveah’s eyes welled up with tears. “It’s alright. It’s okay to be angry.”
“I’ve decided…” Sef took a deep breath. Now for the hardest part. “I’ve decided that no matter what, the baby is a part of our family now. And I’m going to love her-or him, no matter what.”
***
Jraldath forced open the door to the throne room, striding in with the presence of authority and confidence.“Jraldath,” his Master nodded at him. Jraldath bowed before him, and then raised himself to full height. “How are thingsss going in Lir?”
“Better than expected, sssire,” Jraldath said, looking into his Master’s eyes. “The little Paynesss are consssuming our liesss ssso fassst you’d think they were candy,” he gave a harsh laugh. “It’sss like they want to believe them. It’sss only a matter of time before our victory.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Well done, Jraldath,” the Master clapped his hands twice with approval. “It appearsss I underessstimated you.”
“I promisssed,” Jraldath reminded him. “I will never let you down. I will ssserve you for the ressst of my life. I hate the Great One as much as you, sssire. I am yoursss.”
The Master laughed, a chilling sound that reverberated in the small room. “You are wrong, Jraldath. No one hatesss the Great One as much as I do.”
Jraldath nodded, and bowed one last time, before turning to leave.
“Jraldath?”
“Yesss?”
“I think it’sss time to move to stage two of the plan.”
“You mean-”
“Yesss. Don’t hold back.” the Master shifted, and the light from the torches made his face look sharper, and even more evil. “We will break them. Whatever you do, do not let them dissscover the truth. At all costsss….protect what we have worked so hard to gain. Do whatever you have to do. Do you underssstand?”
Jraldath took a deep breath, and then a wicked grin split his ugly face in two. “Your wish is my command.”
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ooo, love it!! Ok, one there that’s a huge cringer for me is this. “You believe in me when I can’t believe in myself” I really, really don’t like the believing in yourself thing. You should not believe in yourself because you are nothing to believe in. On our own, we are nothing. Our works are nothing. It is ONLY through Christ that are able to do anything good in this world. I think it would be way better if she said something like, “you always encouraged me when i was down” or “You always pointed me to the Great One, even when my faith was wavering.”
Idk, something like that. Otherwise, I think it’s really good, and I’m a little nervous about this “stage two”
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
You believe in me when I can’t believe in myself.
Not to downplay Ellette’s opinion 😅 I didn’t really mind this part. To me, when I read this part, it’s more about the value of self-worth. You need people to believe in you, even if you can’t sometimes. I have low self-esteem sometimes and I need my mom to put me back on track. If we tell ourselves we are worth nothing, that’s going to have mental consequences later down the road.
Maybe you could reword it, but yeah. I didn’t find the base concept cringe at all.
“Everything is a mountain”
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