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Lir stretched out as far as the eye could see-the crown jewel of Andromeda, the pride of the Pythonos.
Punctuation thing: you want an em dash instead of a hyphen. The hyphen makes it look like “see-the” is one word. Usually, you can get an em dash by doing two dashes in a row: –. (On KP they don’t connect, but it still works. Google docs needs three in a row.)
She missed Lilitu and Cassian and Indie and Azazel, and even Eloy.
Maybe this will be explained at some point, but it isn’t clear why the Paynes being moved to this new district would mean she doesn’t see them anymore, did they just move to completely different areas?
Other than that, I don’t actually have much to say. Good chapter! It looks like we’ve about reached the point where most of your older drafts started.
đ° Fantasy Writer
⨠Magic System Creator
đ Character RPer
đ Appreciator of BooksGood point. In that case, I need thearcaneaxiom (HELP) to help me make up more names for God/Jesus.
Late to the call. Is this still wanted?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Let me think….yEs PlEaSe HeLp Me đđđ
If you’re busy though, that’s fine no worries!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333you want an em dash instead of a hyphen
Noted. Thank you!!!
Maybe this will be explained at some point, but it isnât clear why the Paynes being moved to this new district would mean she doesnât see them anymore, did they just move to completely different areas?
She doesn’t see them anymore because both she and them are always working, they’re enslaved by the Pythonos.
You’re right, I do need to make that clearer. Or just erase that line…I’ll think about it XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@anyone-who-wishes-to-read
Chapter 7
Rage
Pain.
A distant, ever present throbbing at the base of Lilituâs neck.
On your feet, he warned himself, or youâre dead. He put his weight on his bad foot and screamed in agony before he could stifle it.
Blue blood oozed from his numerous cuts, the edges searing like fire.
Lilitu scrambled back to his feet, though his muscles screamed in protest, and his foot threatened to give out at any second.
The Aquinos were a good fifty yards behind him, but they were rapidly gaining on him.
After all, it wasnât like they had been ambushed in a dark alleywayâŚ.Lilitu ground his teeth, rage turning his insides to fire.
Channeling every bit of energy he still possessed into his veins, he grit his teeth and focused on every stride as he continued to run.
Sweat mixed with blood, running into his eyes, but he couldnât stop.
âYou canât run for long, little Payne,â he heard shouts and jeers behind him like the baying of dogs after their prey.
Thatâs what he was nowâprey.
Every breath felt like a knife in his lungs, and his legs were numb.
A spear of water pummeled him, sweeping his feet out from under him. He fell to the ground, the air rushing out of his lungs.
Like a fish out of water, he lay sprawled on his back, gasping for breath, too exhausted to get up again.
The laughter of the Aquinos rang in his ears.
Oh, Great One, help meâŚhe sent up one final plea.
âTold you heâd tire before long,â Jyron laughed, tossing his azure hair out of his matching eyes. His blue skin glistened with droplets of water, and his hands glowed from the energy he expelled when launching the spear.
Lilitu closed his eyes as a foot jammed into his side with a force that threatened to make him empty the contents of his stomach.
PleaseâŚLilitu begged silently.
âI say we finish him now,â voices clamored in agreement. Lilitu bit his tongue to keep from crying out as a well-aimed punch landed squarely in his gut. He curled into a fetal position, clutching his stomach and closing his eyes, tremors shaking his thin body.
âWhat do you say, little Payne,â Jyron taunted. âShould we finish you now?â A blast of water from Jyronâs fingertips left Lilitu straining for every breath.
âYouâre a pathetic excuse for an Aquino,â Jyron laughed. âMaybe if it wasnât for your crippled foot, or if you had powers, youâd pass for one,” Jyron mocked him.
âM-maybe itâs people like you that make the Pythonos so angry all the time,â Lilitu managed to whisper between his shaking lips.
âGet him,â Jyron said in a low voice.
That was all they needed.
They fell on him like a pack of wolves.
He felt rough hands on his shoulders and back, shoving, punching, scrambling with blood lust.
Something hard slammed into his temple, and a strangled cry sprang from his cracked lips. He tasted blood. More laughter.
His vision tunneled at the edges. He tried to fight it, tried to stay awake, but his strength ebbed out of him.
The world faded to oblivion.
***
âLilitu!âSomeone was shaking him awake.
He tried to open his eyes, but he winced at the bright sun overhead. Every bone in his body ached. Unconsciousness threatened to pull him under again.
âLilitu, get up.â This time he forced his eyes open.
Cassian was standing over him, a pained expression on his face.
âYou really need to stop making trouble,â he shook his head. âYou know what Pani told you about fighting.â
âThey attacked me,â Lilitu glared at his brother, and the anger was back, even stronger than it was before. He shook with rage.
Cass let out a sigh. âLetâs get you home.â He draped Lilituâs arm around his neck as if to support his weight, standing up.
âI can walk,â Lilitu said tersely, shrugging him off, although the world spun around him and the ground seemed to turn to liquid beneath his feet.
Cass held up his hands as if in surrender. âSor-ry,â he whistled.
Lilitu frowned, every bruise and cut amplified tenfold. His foot ached.
He should never have come here alone. Rather, he should never have come here at all.
But the temptation to seek vengeance was strongâŚa hunger that he could never rid himself of.
He hated Jyron.
Hated him so much that he wanted to kill him.
Who gave him the right? Lilitu kicked a rock with his bare toe, fighting the urge to scream in pain as white hot agony laced his whole foot. He bit down on his tongue instead, tasting blood.
Who gave any of them the right? Theyâre no better than us, yet they treat us like dogs.
He hated Aquinos. Hated their flawless blue skin, eyes, hairâŚhated the way they could effortlessly pull moisture from the very air to drink when all others had to walk to the wells in the sweltering heat. He hated the way they looked down their noses like they were something special.
âHowâd you find me?â Lilitu forced his sore muscles to cooperate, one step at a time, digging his nails into his palm to keep from crying out.
âYouâve been gone all day,â Cass said. âYou realize its past dinner, right?â
Lilitu muttered a curse under his breath. âI was out for that long?â
Cassian nodded. âMani was worried. We were all worried,â he added.
âI was fine,â Lilitu scoffed. âObviously, the Pythonos didnât kidnap me off the streets for one of their weird experiments or anything. Iâm still alive.â If you call this living.
Cass rolled his eyes, biting back a laugh as he studied his younger brother, bruised and beaten. âI see that.â
Lilitu tensed as the anger took over again. âI can handle myself. Iâm not a child.â
âNo, youâre not, but thirteen years is hardly an adult either,â Cass looked at him with an unreadable expression. âWhat if the Pythonos did take you? You know how they areâŚif they see a child alone, theyâll take them. And what then? How long would it have taken for us at home to realize you werenât coming back?â Lilitu kicked another rock with his good foot. Why did Cassian have to be so sensible? He hated the fact that Cass was always right.
They trudged on in silence, bathing the wooden houses in golden light.
As they left the suburbs, the houses progressively worsened, a telltale sign they were entering Wrallethom Heights, the poorest district in Lir. All the Paynes flocked here, as they were outcasts, seen by the public as half-breeds and troublemakers.
Lilituâs face molded back into his permanent frown as he studied the ramshackle houses. If he touched one with his fingertip, Lilitu was sure theyâd collapse in on themselves.
âI donât understand,â Cass broke the silence.
âWhat?â
âWhy you always have to make trouble. Pick fights. You know theyâll beat up any Payne that dares venture into their district.â
âI donât.â Lilitu sighed. The fights just pick me.
âDonât what? Pick fights? You definitely do,â Cass ruffled Lilituâs black hair.
âIâm not in the mood,â he gritted his teeth.
âFine,â Cass shook his head. âLet me know when youâre ready to have a decent conversation,â he added pointedly.
Lilitu ignored him. His thoughts were far away.
Why did he think that by going to the Aquino district, heâd somehow find the parents who gave him up? It was obvious that he was supposed to be an AquinoâŚhis blue hair and eyes, and a smattering of blue freckles gave that away.
But his crippled foot and blotchy skin, and the absence of powers screamed outcast loud and clear.
They gave you up for a reason.
You are nothing.
He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts, but the voice was persistent.
They wouldnât take you back even if you found them now.
They threw you to the wolves once, and theyâd do it again if they could!
Lilitu ground his teeth.
He had no doubt that Azazel and Indie loved him like a sonâŚand Cassian and Eloy loved him as brothers, but it didnât erase the fact that, years ago, he wasnât enough for the people who were supposed to care for him all his life. Who were supposed to love him.
Instead, they had taken one look at him, and placed him by the Farnbron Brook, on the rocks.
If Cassian hadnât found youâŚ
He shuddered. He didnât want to think about that.
He wished he could be more like Cassian. It was easy for him-always giving himself to everyone, putting their needs before his own. Whenever Lilitu tried, he seemed to always make things worse.
And he was constantly drawn to the very district that hungered for his blood.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Great chapters! I love the way you described this
worry striking a searing flame in the pit of her stomach.
And I love Cassian and Lilitu’s relationship. đĽ°
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
Thank you soooo much!!! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Let me thinkâŚ.yEs PlEaSe HeLp Me đđđ
If youâre busy though, thatâs fine no worries!
Fair enough, lol! I can help a little. So are you thinking about Andromedan language names, or English titles, or both?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
very good Sara!! I’m loving it!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Okay great!!!
I guess some of both? Like what the Andromedans would call Him, as well as new names for what the humans could call Him?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thank you sooo much, do you have any thoughts/ comments??? I’d love to hear them!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333ok, weâll of course Iâm still weeding through the world and all that. Someone else already mentioned it, but I would like to hear a little more about the work/slavery/and separation. Maybe a seen or two of the kids working? How about a bad Run-in between Lilitu and the Aquinos before hand and maybe a scene where he sets off to find his parents. Maybe something like this:
Lilitu sat slumped in the corner watching the group of Aquino teens as they laughed and talked. He hated that they fared better then he did. It wasnât right, just because they were better looking. Pure.
One of the boys held out his hand, sucking a steam of moisture from the air. It twisted and flowed into his open palm, spilling over the edges of his hand to the ground below. The next moment he had flung the water in the face of his friend. Son the boys were enjoying a wild water fight.
Lilitu shook his head and turned away. He got to his feet and headed toward the road home. All at once, a steam of water hit him, soaking his shirt completely. âHey little Payne, where do you think youâre going?â
Lilitu stood still, the water dripping off his clothes.
âAnswer me,â the Aquino snapped.
âHome,â replied Lilitu through his teeth.
âLet him alone,â said one of the others. âHe needs to go cry to his mommy!â
Lilitu hurried forward, trying not to hear the reply.
âHe hasnât got a mommy or a daddy. Heâs an orphan and a Payne. Double bad luck!â
Lilitu looked down at his blue-freckled arms. I will find my parents, even if it means going into their district, he thought.
idk, something like that. Also, I think it would be cool if you showed us a little of his mom being Aquino in the prologue. Example:
Sevyrn would have been better off if she had never met him.
He was a mere humanâshunned and hated by many. Sevyrn knew the day that they married, that if they had children someday, they would be Paynes, the mixing of the two races-Andromedan and Human.
And with Payne children, the title passed to the parents as well.
It was his fault that he could not save his son, for in the eyes of the Andromedans, his human blood had defiled Sevyrn forever.
Why? He wanted to scream at her. Why did you choose me? Why me when you could have had everything you wanted? Because of me, our son is going to die!
he watched as Sevryn gently pulled moisture from the air, letting it pour into her palm. Cupping her hand, she lifted their sonâs head and tried to help him drink.
he shook his head. At least she was doing some good. He was utterly powerless. And what was more, because of his human blood, his son would be too, if he lived.
He was tired of feeling so small, so insignificant, so helpless.
those are my thoughts!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
sorry, I didnât tag you! âŹď¸
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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