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Ok, that was just a cringe for me me because of the way our country is trying to use that to justify some really horrid stuff. What if the line was,
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like the Great One, Birdie.”
After all, Christ is our example.
Good point. I wasn’t trying to copy the people who are like “be yourself” or “follow your heart” because I agree, that is bad.
I like how he tries to get her to be who the Great One made her to be, because that’s kind of her inner struggle, not seeing her worth and trying to compare herself to others.
So is this better:
“No, not like me,” Cassian laughed. “Be like you, Birdie. The Great One made you something special. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
I love the idea of using the seasons!
And I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The winter wind blew icily against Sef, and she wrapped her arms about herself, staring miserably at the frozen ground. A tea trickled off the end of her nose and fell onto the porch step. Sef watched as it slowly crystalized, mimicking the chill she felt within.
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef started, wiping away a tear before Cassian could see.
Why are you so good at writing?!?!? Like that was actually BEAUTIFUL…now I’m sad cuz mine wasn’t that good lol
You could also mention something like Cassian’s voice braking or squeaking in the first section, because I’m guessing he’s a younger teen. Then by the Second section his voice could have evened out and become deep. You could mention that when he asks whats wrong, and she jumps and tries to hide her tears because she knows it him.
Yessss I love that sooo much!!!!!!!!
And your scenes were BEAUTIFUL again!
Okay, I have a serious question…are these chapters really that cringe??? Because I reread them both again and I was like… “ew.”
So should I just scrap them both?? UGH writing is hard.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Yeah, you could do them as separate chapters, and that should work. But also, be careful about waiting too long before launching into the bulk of the story. I don’t believe we’ve even reached the inciting incident yet, and you don’t want the reader to be thinking “let’s just get on with it!” You probably still have a little bit of wiggle room before we reach that point, but just keep it in mind.
Oh yeah…why do I always do this??? I literally always take wayyy too long to get into the plot! but when I do I feel like I’m rushing it!
I’ll try to hurry it up a bit.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I like this chapter a lot! (And the one you shared before it—I meant to reply to that one but I didn’t have a moment 😅)
Cassian is a good friend! 😍❤️❤️
Um… I know you were asking Ellette… but I don’t think your chapters are cringey.
INTP.
“No, not like me,” Cassian laughed. “Be like you, Birdie. The Great One made you something special. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Much better.
I love the idea of using the seasons!
And I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good! I’m glad you liked it! It was just a spur of the moment thing. lol.
Why are you so good at writing?!?!? Like that was actually BEAUTIFUL…now I’m sad cuz mine wasn’t that good lol
Don’t be sad!!!! I only thought of it because the whole scene felt winter and cold and dead to me. Like those feelings just mirrored Sef’s. It was you writing her so well that made me think of it. Actually, the other day i was thinking, “Man, she is so good! Look at hers compared to mine!” lol.
Yessss I love that sooo much!!!!!!!!
And your scenes were BEAUTIFUL again!
Haha, thank you! Like I said, it was literally spur of the moment. I just felt like it almost put itself in when I was reading it. It was just me jumping off your springboard. lol.
Okay, I have a serious question…are these chapters really that cringe??? Because I reread them both again and I was like… “ew.”
So should I just scrap them both?? UGH writing is hard.
No, i don’t think rewrite them. I think you laid a good frame and even got the walls up. The room’s a little bare, and I suggest some curtains for the windows, maybe a little furniture, and some pictures. (Does that make any sense?) Basically, just add a few things in here or there. And Jonas’ warning is right, though so far I’m okay with this as long as you start some action in the next chapter or so. You’ve built the characters, (Cassian is my favorite and I want to here more about him!!!!!!!!) You’ve built our setting, though the world’s still a little fuzzy in my mind. But. anyways, I think it’s something to keep in mind, though you’re fine right now.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Aww thanks girl <3
Don’t be sad!!!! I only thought of it because the whole scene felt winter and cold and dead to me. Like those feelings just mirrored Sef’s. It was you writing her so well that made me think of it. Actually, the other day i was thinking, “Man, she is so good! Look at hers compared to mine!” lol.
Thank you <3
Also that’s so sweet of you like wow that makes my day!!!!!!!!!
Oof, I have so much to do!!!
I think if we sprint it will be mostly an “editing” sprint, or just writing for however long we “sprint”…because I need to grab a broom and clean all the cringe out of it… XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Also that’s so sweet of you like wow that makes my day!!!!!!!!!
I’m so glad!!!
I think if we sprint it will be mostly an “editing” sprint, or just writing for however long we “sprint”…because I need to grab a broom and clean all the cringe out of it… XD
Right-o.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Aww, I loved this scene!! 🥰
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Just wanted to pop in and say I love how this is going! Cassian is a much better character imo now that I’ve seen him with Sef.
I know it’s super hard not to doubt yourself and your writing…. I think it’s just a writer thing. And it’s hard when it seems so easy for other people. But it doesn’t have to be perfect right now. All these “holes” can be edited later. Don’t feel like you need to start over and scrap it again just because everything doesn’t make sense. I know you really love this story. Don’t let yourself give up or get too frustrated because it isn’t perfect.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
So I really want to keep reading your story, and I need to double check—are the chapters you’re sharing on here in the Reedsy link you shared with me? Or is the link an older draft?
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Aww tysm girl that means a lot!!!
And so true!!!!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I honestly don’t know XD
Here’s the link you can use (but there’s not a lot of “new chapters”…and the first couple “new” chapters need a lot of redoing, but you can read ahead if you want! Just keep in mind that if you critique them, I’ve seen a lot of the problems already. The new chapters I’m talking about are 6-13)
https://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@everyone
Sixth Chapter!!!
Chapter 6
A Voice
Lir stretched out as far as the eye could see-the crown jewel of Andromeda, the pride of the Pythonos.
Sef stood on the hilltop, overlooking the city, taking in the sights and smells as if she were starving, though she knew she’d never be able to partake in the beauty of it all.
Paynes weren’t welcome anywhere but Wrallethom Heights, the district tucked away on the outskirts that they had called home ever since the Pythonos rose to power.
Could it really have been only four years ago that things were so different? Sef wondered. Now the joy and laughter had been stripped away. She missed Lilitu and Cassian and Indie and Azazel, and even Eloy.
“Look at you fly!” she could still vividly hear Cassian’s voice, feel his strong arms spinning her round and round—and they had been standing right where Sef was now.
Four, almost five years since she’d pretended to be a bird, spinning around with arms flung wide without a care in the world.
Sef was no longer the small child she was then, but a girl of twelve years, slowly developing into a young woman.
A small breeze tugged strands of dark hair from her neat braid down her back and her skirt caught the wind.
A wisp of a memory suddenly flashed before her eyes…a memory from so long ago that had been long buried.
She saw herself here on this very hilltop, her small hand clinging to her pani’s, her head leaning on his arm.
“Lir is a city of life,” her father’s voice rang in her ears, “bustling with noise, with light, color. Never forget that we were once a part of that, Sef. Never forget who we were. Who we are.”
The memory brought a pang to her heart as she remembered how she had felt so safe, so secure wherever her Pani was. It had been-she closed her eyes, counting off each summer in her mind.
Eight years.
It had been eight long years since her father left them, and his face grew more blurred in her memory with each passing day. It was almost frightening how she could hardly remember what her father looked like, the one image she vowed never to forget.
A smile played on her lips as she caught sight of the birds.
That was one thing that never changed-the birds came and went with every season, soaring above the world with ease.
She loved to be outside, for outside, overlooking the town she felt free. A freedom she could not experience, even in her own household, where the nagging fear of the Pythonos was ever present.
She could never escape the Pythonos; no one could, no matter how hard they tried. They were oppressive tyrants, always desiring more.
More power, more wealth, more bloodshed of the innocent. It was never enough for them.
Sometimes Sef could hear the screams in the night, followed by the laughter of evil men.
She shivered as she remembered a night, hardly more than a fortnight ago when her mani had not come back after work. Neveah had stumbled into the house two mornings later, covered with bruises and reeking of Pythonos. Sef dared not ask, for it was as if by her mother speaking the words, they became more real.
A reality that she was too terrified to face.
And ever since that night, her mother had not been the same.
Neveah had been too tired to get out of bed, complaining of an upset stomach, and migraines.
Sef had come out here to find wildflowers to brighten her mother’s day, hoping that somehow the vibrant colors would be the remedy for her ailment.
Splashes of color caught her eye within the verdant carpet, and she plucked the flowers from the ground with grace.
Violets.
Daisies.
Crocuses.
Sef marveled at the uniqueness of every petal, every distinct vein of life running within the flower.
Sometimes she would wonder how the world came to be. How everything seemed to fit, how it felt right.
It was impossible to comprehend how the Great One had created every little detail, every piece fitting together by design.
She reached for another flower, smiling as if she and the Great One shared a special moment.
***
Neveah opened her eyes to Sef’s blurred figure standing over her. Wincing against the bright light, she tried to focus her eyes, but the room morphed into a swirling blur of colors and light that she could only begin to grasp at. Bile burned the edges of her throat..“What is it?” she sighed, blinking hard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Sef took a step backwards, biting her lip. “I just wanted to leave these here for you,” she held out a bouquet of wildflowers.
“They-they’re very nice,” Neveah closed her eyes as beads of sweat formed on her brow, trying desperately to keep the nausea at bay.
“Mani?” Sef asked hesitantly. “Are you alright?”
Neveah let out another sigh. “I’m fine.”
She shoved every lingering thought out of her mind. She was fine. It was just a migraine. Nothing was wrong. She was fine.
She wanted to retreat deep within herself…to sleep, the only escape from the cursed migraines. The light….even with her eyes closed, the tendrils of light prodded her sensitive eyes, making her want to scream.
“Please, just-” she flinched at the loudness of her own voice, “just close the curtains. I need to sleep.”
She felt Sef’s lips brush against her forehead, and then her eyes fluttered closed.
***
Wrinkles etched into Neveah’s brow made her face look sharper, not at all like the peace and joy that Sef was used to seeing. Droplets of sweat adorned her light green skin.
Even though the green had paled, Sef couldn’t take her eyes off of the color, the mark of a Pitt. Pitts could sing nature into whatever they desired. Years ago, Neveah would take Sef to the fields and sing the trees out of the very ground to dance around them. But that was when her father was still there. When Neveah was always smiling, laughing, dancing.
She was never smiling anymore.
Neveah’s emerald hair cascaded over the pillow like a green forest. Even though she was sick, somehow she looked beautiful as ever.
But if anyone were to look closer, they would have seen her skin—mottled and feverish; and the movement beneath her lids as her eyes flicked around beneath.
Sef quietly pulled the door closed behind her, frowning, worry striking a searing flame in the pit of her stomach.
Don’t worry, child.
The familiar voice quieted her soul, giving her hope.
But-
Do not worry. I am here.
The voice of her Maker stilled her heart.
But still the worries refused to be shoved down.
She bit her lip.
If only her pani was here, he’d know what to do.
But he wasn’t here.
It’s your fault, a familiar voice resounded in Sef’s mind.
No, she tried to silence her thoughts, but to no avail.
Your father left because he didn’t love you.
You weren’t enough.
If your father were here to protect your mother, the Pythonos wouldn’t have hurt her.
Your mother became sick after the Pythonos hurt her.
You made your mother sick.
Your mother is going to die, and it’s all your fault.
The voice wasn’t her own. It was an unfamiliar echo that refused to go away. At first Sef tried not to listen. The voice was unnerving, strange, and she hated it.
Could those things it said of her really be true?
The Great One says I’m loved, she reminded herself. He forgave me when His son died for me.
But you’ve done too much wrong to be forgiven, the voice persisted.
She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts.
She could hardly distinguish the voice from her own anymore.
The words were true, she decided.
She deserved everything she thought of herself.
And maybe it was her fault.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Really good! I liked it a lot.
Ok, the only thing is, it seems seems now she as a relationship with The Great One, and wasn’t the last chapter her not even wanting to talk to Him? I’m a little confused at the jump there. Other then that, I loved it!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Oops I forgot to mention that I deleted the scene with her not wanting to talk to the Great One…so now it’s just the scene with her and Lilitu pretending to be animals.
I really liked it so I put it into the “scene recycling bin” if I need it again, but for now it’s not in the draft.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oops I forgot to mention that I deleted the scene with her not wanting to talk to the Great One…so now it’s just the scene with her and Lilitu pretending to be animals.
Gotcha! That makes much more sense. 😀
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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