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@everyone
Sorry for not getting back to you guys! I admit I did get a little overwhelmed…WHY ARE THERE SO MANY HOLES IN MY STORY LIKE DOES IT SUCK THAT MUCH????
Such is life XD
Don’t worry…you guys are helping me a lot! I’m a sensitive person and writing’s something really close to my heart so when I get all these things I’m doing wrong I get a little sad haha
So bear with me if I say something that seems defensive or like I’m playing the victim…I am still learning how to deal with criticism, and I promise I’m not trying to make you feel bad for pointing out flaws!
Not that I want you to STOP critiquing me! I need to be overwhelmed because how else is my story gonna get better?!?! I just had to take a short break and really talk to God about my story and pray for Him to write through me!!!
Now I’m ready to go through everything! Pray that God gives me strength to take everything as He wants me to use it!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The only thing I would say was when it said Cassian “ran, trying to outrun himself”
Actually it was “Cassian ran, trying to outrun time itself”.
That still might grate a little bit because of ran/outrun, so I changed it a little bit.
Also, from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know the full story and really is like a reader, I would say that I am still super confused on the whole racial prejudice thing, intermarriage, human vs. not. stuff. I would really like to see it flushed out a little more, preferably in chapter 1, 2, or the prologue even. By chapter 3 I would like to know what’s going on with the world so I can start focusing on the characters. does that make sense.
I used to try explain everything in the first few chapters but got told I was info dumping….
So now I’m too scared to go back, and I don’t know how to explain everything without doing that!
Help???
And Whaley is right too. There is a little gappy confusion in there with Nico. Is he good or bad? I know you probably want to save that info for later, but because you know, his wife and child need to react accordingly to what everything has been like in the home before then. and, if he is good and leaving to protect them or something he must have a VERY SUPER GOOD reason for NOT TELLING them.
That’s intentional. I was going to explain that to you, but you told me “no spoilers” and that’s a MAJOR spoiler…XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ugh…I feel like I keep saying things I will regret later XD
Why are you so good at this??? You need to be an editor someday lol
I do have one more question regarding this. If the Andromedans so universally despise and hate Paynes, then where do you get the people who are willing to marry a human and become Paynes themselves?
Before the Pythonos took over, there wasn’t hatred, it was moreso “oh, that’s weird/unique”. So they were accepted, but there are always some that are “racist”.
So there was a lot of intermarriages before. And mostly there are just Payne intermarriages, so the population keeps growing. Now with the Pythonos takeover, there are pretty much ZERO pure Andromedan/human marriages, but now Paynes just marry each other so the population is still growing.
lol. That should probably be mentioned though. Same for Neveah and Sef I suppose?
Neveah is a pure Pitt who married a human, but now she’s a Payne because she had a Payne child. I do explain that in the next chapter though. Should I still explain it sooner?
Yeah, that should work fine.
But wait a second…
Livia is an Aquino, right…
…which would make her an example of an Andromedan that isn’t as bad as Kratos?
(I swear I’m not just trying to poke holes in this for fun!)
I honestly don’t know how to respond to this…XD
Which makes me really frustrated because I should know everything about my story and when I don’t, it makes me feel like a failed writer.
Don’t worry it’s not what you said…it’s my inability to give an answer what makes me mad XD
I’m going to try to give a reasonable explanation…but bear with me!!! (I just came up with this recently after praying about it)
Everyone who isn’t a follower of the Great One can resist the lies a lot more than those who don’t. Those who don’t follow the Great One are corrupted. “Christians” can still be corrupted, but it’s harder and a longer slower process. Of course Christians can still believe lies, but since the Pythonos couldn’t really convince them to hate Paynes, the lies were about themselves.
So not everyone is as bad as Kratos, but at least most of them are. And there are different degrees of the hatred…
Idk if this is making sense at all…
HELP ME…
I don’t think you ever specifically say how he got a club foot, though I assume it is just a natural deformation? It might still be good to mention it somewhere, even if it’s later on.
I’m going to. The next chapter should clear that up.
I think these first chapters work really well as an introduction. None of them feel rushed, but you explain how Lilitu got abandoned, Sef’s father leaving, Cassian finding Lilitu, and Sef and Lilutu meeting, which from my estimation covers most of the introduction you need to do before things really get rolling. So, yeah, nice job so far!
Okay great!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Actually it was “Cassian ran, trying to outrun time itself”
Oh, whoops. sorry!
I used to try explain everything in the first few chapters but got told I was info dumping….
So now I’m too scared to go back, and I don’t know how to explain everything without doing that!
Help???
well, I can say personally that I get annoyed with books that have a complex plot and also make you figure out what the world is and whats going on. I would really prefer to know more. It could be informative where you just tell the reader, or it could be something like one of the kids asking a question and an adult explaining this to them. Kids ask LOTS of questions.You could have the sick boy.. (what his name?) asking why people hate him, (he’s a cross, right?) why he doesn’t look like other people. (Is Cassian? he could ask why he’s different then his brother.) and have someone sit down and explain the whole thing to him.
That’s intentional. I was going to explain that to you, but you told me “no spoilers” and that’s a MAJOR spoiler…XD
Ok, just as long as it makes sense! lol.
Oh, and what you were saying about writing being close to you and having a hard time taking criticism…. totally get it!!! Man it hurts!!! I’m like, “you hate me because you hate my story, and you also hate my best friends because I love my characters and you hate them” *sob* *sob*
And poor person giving editing advice is staring, wondering if they need to call 911, and saying “All I did was say I didn’t understand something…….”
So yeah, I get it. It’s tough. But…. after having my book THRASHED by an editor before I published it, I came to value their thoughts. And…… remember that editors are just people, and they have opinions, but that doesn’t mean you have to take the opinions. Just listen to them, think through them, and pick the ones that help. I mean, your on a project, and we just dumped a trailer of tools on you, but only some of them are going to work for what you need. Use the ones that will work, set some aside for later, and throw away the useless ones. 😀
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Alriiight, Chapter 1. Please tell me if you get overwhelmed with all the feedback, because if that happens, I will gladly pause.
I was overwhelmed a bit, but you don’t have to pause, I just needed a day to process everything haha!
Sooo I get this weird feeling about Nico. I’m not entirely convinced he doesn’t love them, nor do I know why he left – which means I can’t figure out his position at all XD
Do you care if I give you a spoiler?? It should clear it up…
There’s a reason why I show Nico like that.
You could clarify this is Neveah right away, because I was very confused at first XD I thought it was still Sef.
Okay!!! Makes sense.
The hole could never be filled, because it was filled? Slight confusion here, but I think you’ll fix it easily
Oops, yeah!
Is this better?
The silence closed in around her.
The vacant space next to her felt like a vacancy in her heart.
Because it was.
Nico’s absence left a hole in her heart…a hole that could never be filled.
Never before had she felt so alone.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333well, I can say personally that I get annoyed with books that have a complex plot and also make you figure out what the world is and whats going on. I would really prefer to know more. It could be informative where you just tell the reader, or it could be something like one of the kids asking a question and an adult explaining this to them. Kids ask LOTS of questions.You could have the sick boy.. (what his name?) asking why people hate him, (he’s a cross, right?) why he doesn’t look like other people. (Is Cassian? he could ask why he’s different then his brother.) and have someone sit down and explain the whole thing to him.
I’m the opposite XD
I guess I’d rather keep reading to find out what’s going on…since I read super fast it doesn’t bother me lol
But I’ll work on that, since I’m obviously not going to write this story just for me!
Oh, and what you were saying about writing being close to you and having a hard time taking criticism…. totally get it!!! Man it hurts!!! I’m like, “you hate me because you hate my story, and you also hate my best friends because I love my characters and you hate them” *sob* *sob*
It does hurt! Though for me, it’s more like “I’m a terrible writer…I feel so stupid! I should quit!!!!” I don’t feel like they hate me but rather I start to hate my book because I can never get it right!!
I think I value opinions too much…
I hate not taking advice, like I feel like everyone has such great opinions, and it’s so hard for me to tell someone “no”.
I just hate conflict (not saying it is conflict but still!)…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I read super fast too, which is why I would like to know what the world is like so I can concentrate on the plot. lol.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Huh…interesting!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@anyone
Dropping the fourth chapter!! <3 my favorite I’ve ever written
It’s not edited so excuse any grammar/stupid mistakes XDXD
Chapter Four
A Wedding
“Where are we going, Mani?” Sef asked for the umpteenth time since they’d left the house.
“Wait and see,” Neveah smiled down at her. Sef pouted, but kept skipping, jumping over even the smallest stones in her path, crunching the colorful leaves beneath her feet.
Neveah watched her, joy filling her heart.
She couldn’t believe all the good that had come out of Nico leaving her.
Now, now she knew that the Great One was with her even when Nico was not, she knew that she was loved even when everyone left.
And Azazel and Indie had carried her through so much heartache; taking her in, watching Sef while she was at work, and most importantly, showing her the awesome love of the Great One, and helped her invite Him into her life.
Neveah still remembered that moment like it was yesterday—kneeling down on the bright orange and purple floral rug, Indie on her left and Azazel on her right, feeling their arms around her as they prayed with her.
An unexplainable peace had flooded her heart as her world had stopped spinning…it was like her whole view had shifted and everything was new!
Thank you, she turned her face to the sky and smiled. She was always thanking the Great One for something…whether it be the change He’d brought about in her, or her precious child-she looked down at Sef again, and the overwhelming love she felt at just the sight of her daughter brought sudden tears to her eyes. Sef continued to play, kicking rocks, jumping, skipping, singing. So this is how You look at me, Neveah exhaled, in awe.
The Great One helped her to love more, care more, smile more, forgive more, and enhanced everything.
I love You, she whispered, feeling a familiar peace that stilled her heart.
The wind trailed her scarf behind her and tousled her green hair, the cool air nipping her nose and bringing color into her verdant cheeks.
She longed for Indie and Azazel’s large fireplace…their cozy house and the strong feeling of love that warmed her from the inside out.
In fact, that was where they were going now- to dinner at their house.
Neveah walked quicker, as if that would get her there faster, when reality the most it would shorten the time by no more than a minute.
She had kept their destination a surprise for Sef, for Sef and Lilitu had bonded so quickly and Sef was constantly asking to go and see “Lil-tu”.
“Where are we going, Mani?” Sef asked again, slipping her small hand in Neveah’s.
“Wait and see,” Neveah repeated, squeezing Sef’s hand. Sef tugged on her arm.
“I love you, Mani,” she rested her head on Neveah’s hand as they walked.
“I love you too, my little bird,” Neveah squeezed tighter.
***
“Lil-tu!” Sef screamed, running as fast as she could and tackling him with a hug.“Sef,” Neveah chided as Lilitu fought to keep his balance with only one good foot, but she could see in Lilitu’s eyes that he didn’t mind—he squeezed Sef so tight that she had a coughing fit.
“They’re adorable,” Neveah laughed.
“They are,” Indie nodded. “I’m so glad you could come, I’ve missed you!” she pulled Neveah into an embrace, and Neveah stayed in her arms for a moment longer than normal.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
“Come meet Mr. Frog!” Lilitu’s voice echoed against the barrier of swaying trees. Neveah looked up to see Lilitu grab Sef’s hand and limp out of view behind the house. Neveah couldn’t help but notice how Sef would steady him whenever his foot gave way.
Sef was quite possibly the sweetest girl Neveah had ever seen…and the Great One had blessed Neveah with her.
Thank you, Neveah said again, never tiring of sending her praises up to the heavens.
***
“Dinner!” Indie’s voice called.“Aww,” Lilitu pouted, crossing his arms, moving to get up from sitting on the ground, but Sef shook her head.
“Can we wait?” Sef looked at him. “We can’t stop the wedding now, what if Mr. Frog changes his mind?” She looked skeptically at the abnormally large frog that they’d dressed in a beret made from a leaf, and the smaller toad that sat next to him. Right now, Mr. Frog eyed his bride-to-be with contempt, and looked as though he wished to be anywhere but right there.
“He would never change his mind,” Lilitu shook his head adamantly, appalled that Sef would suggest such a thing. “It’s true love!”
“The food’s getting cold…” Indie called again.
“Who gives this toad to be married?” Sef picked up a stick.
“Me,” Lilitu raised his hand.
“And do you creatures promise to love each other and always kiss and never leave to go sail across the ocean?”
“I do,” Lilitu made the toad say in a high pitched voice, which made Sef giggle
“I do,” Sef said in a deep voice that made Lilitu fall on the ground with laughter.
“Okay, now we can go to the wedding party!” Lilitu said. Sef jumped up and helped Lilitu to his feet.
The two of them rushed into the house for dinner as fast as they could, and when asked why they were late, shared a smile-and a secret-that only the two of them understood.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@grcr (CASSIAN SCENE ALERT) @ellette-giselle @esther-c @rae @jonas @whalekeeper @highscribeofaetherium
This scene isn’t really edited either…
But let me know if it makes sense AT ALL
Chapter 5
Birdie
“I love birds,” Sef sang as she spread her arms wide, mimicking the birds soaring overhead, silhouetted against the bright blue sky.
She loved the outdoors, the wind in her hair, the fresh air whipping her cheeks, the ground beneath her feet. She closed her eyes and spun around in a circle, flapping her arms as if to fly away and become lost in the clouds forever.
“I love snails,” Lilitu dropped to the ground with a grunt, rolling on the ground as if he were a snail.
“Why?” Sef giggled.
“I’m slow like one,” Lilitu kept rolling, the prairie grass swallowing him up.
Sef snorted. Lilitu was so silly!
“You look like a bird,” Lilitu said, finally getting up from the ground and staring at her in awe. “A pretty bird.”
“Chirp chirp!” Sef screeched in response, turning her face to the wind and letting her silky dark hair flow behind her like a horse’s mane.
Up ahead, her mani and Lilitu’s mani were talking. They talked a lot, she knew, but she didn’t mind because that meant she got to play with Lilitu!
“How old are you?” She asked Lilitu.
“I’m nine, and you’re eight,” Lilitu said for her.
“So I’ve known you for three years!” Sef’s jaw dropped. The best three years of her life.
“No, three and a half years,” Lilitu said importantly.
“Same thing!”
“It is not!”
“Is too!” Sef crossed her arms and pouted.
“Hey, stop fighting you two!” A familiar voice tickled Sef’s ear. She spun around in surprise, and-
“Cass!” She launched into his arms.
“How’s Birdie today?” he spun her around, and she laughed.
“Amazing!” she spread her arms out again and closed her eyes.
Cassian was like an older brother to her, and she loved playing with Cassian almost as much as playing with Lilitu.
Lilitu had another brother, Eloy, but he was boring and never did anything fun.
Cass set her down and turned his attention to Lilitu.
“How’s it going?” He tickled Lilitu’s neck, and Lilitu screeched with laughter.
“Lilitu’s a snail,” Sef informed him.
“Are you, now?” Cassian ruffled Lilitu’s dark hair.
“I am,” Lilitu puffed out his chest.
“When did you get here?” Sef wondered.
“I just got off work,” Cassian pursed his lips.
“Is work fun?” Sef wanted to know.
“Nope,” he shook his head. “But it puts food on the table, so it’s worth it.”
“When I grow up, I want to be like you, Cass,” Sef looked up at him with pure adoration.
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like you, Birdie.”
***
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef started, wiping away a tear before Cassian could see.
But he saw anyway. She turned her face away in embarrassment.
“Hey, hey,” he sat down beside her on the steps. “What’s wrong? Did The Snail offend you again?” His reference to Lilitu from over three years ago would normally make her smile, remembering the times they’d laughed together.
But now she was almost twelve, and she never smiled anymore.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.”
Sef sighed. She knew that Cass wasn’t one to give up.
“It’s dumb.”
“Nope. You’re not getting out of this one.”
“But-”
“I can take it,” Cass made his voice sound tough, but Sef just hid her face.
“I-” she blinked hard. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. “I miss my Pani,” she said, somehow without letting her voice break. “I don’t understand. Why did he leave? Did he not want me because I’m a-” she stopped, blinking hard again. “A Payne?”
Cass shook his head. “There are always going to be people out there who don’t see your worth. But you can’t let other people decide if you’re worth it or not.”
“Like the Pythonos?” Sef asked, sniffling. She couldn’t understand how anyone could be so cruel as the Pythonos, why they hated the Paynes so much, or why they turned everyone else against them.
Cass nodded. “Like the Pythonos. Like your Pani. Like Lilitu’s parents.”
Sef drew her knees up to her chin.
“It hurts.”
“The Great One can fix that.”
The Great One again…
Sef looked up. “But He lets the Pythonos hurt people like us!”
“I’m not going to pretend I know what He’s doing…” Cassian looked off into the distance. “But I know He has a plan. Trust Him, Birdie. He knows.”
“But-” Sef fought back a sob. “What if He leaves me? Like my Pani?”
“He’s not like an earthly Pani,” Cassian reminded her. “He’ll never leave you. He’ll never forget about you. He cares about you. Just trust Him. He’s got you in his arms already, Birdie. He’s right here with you, all you have to do is just look up and see His face.”
Sef closed her eyes, resting her head on her knees.
How could she learn to trust again?
How, when so many had let her down?
“Just talk to Him. Tell Him how you feel,” Cass looked at her. “He’s not afraid of your questions, or your anger. He’s not afraid of your doubts.”
Sef tried to understand, but her mind couldn’t wrap around the concept of a father who wouldn’t let her down.
“Just promise me you’ll talk to Him?”
No. I can’t.
But then she paused.
But what if Cass is right?
She took a deep, shuddering breath. “O-okay.”
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I think this chapter was good! The only feedback I have is that the time jump was pretty confusing. You do tell us that it’s three years later fairly early on, but for the first few sentences it’s confusing, because the setting is nearly the same as the first scene. The two scenes also feel pretty much unrelated to each other, except that the first gives us the origin of the nickname “the snail,” so it feels a bit weird to have a chapter split between the two of them. I do think they’re good scenes, but I almost wonder if they would work better as flashbacks later on. They’re definitely short enough for that
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOkay! I was just playing around with the idea of jumping ahead as quickly as possible yet keeping a few similarities. So should I made each it’s own chapter after adding more to it?
I could use them as flashbacks!
But idk, I also like them in my book…I have to think about that.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Yeah, you could do them as separate chapters, and that should work. But also, be careful about waiting too long before launching into the bulk of the story. I don’t believe we’ve even reached the inciting incident yet, and you don’t want the reader to be thinking “let’s just get on with it!” You probably still have a little bit of wiggle room before we reach that point, but just keep it in mind.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOoo, I really liked it! Super good! I like where this is going!
Yeah, Jonas is right again. I think you could honestly keep it in this chapter as long as you put something more important in the first section. Like the brother. Who is this other brother? This is the first we have heard of another sibling, and all we have is, “Lilitu had another brother, Eloy.” Maybe show him doing something. Being so-called boring. Is he nice, mean, thoughtful, shy. I mean, why did he get accused of being boring by Sef, who seems to like everyone. Also, ids he older or younger then Cassian?
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like you, Birdie.”
Ok, that was just a cringe for me me because of the way our country is trying to use that to justify some really horrid stuff. What if the line was,
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like the Great One, Birdie.”
After all, Christ is our example.
And for the second jump, use the seasons. Start the first section like this.
“I love birds,” Sef sang as she spread her arms wide, mimicking the birds soaring overhead, silhouetted against the bright blue Summer sky.
Then the second jump could be….
The winter wind blew icily against Sef, and she wrapped her arms about herself, staring miserably at the frozen ground. A tea trickled off the end of her nose and fell onto the porch step. Sef watched as it slowly crystalized, mimicking the chill she felt within.
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef started, wiping away a tear before Cassian could see.
idk, something like that. It would basically give us a heads up that this is going to be another jump and we should be looking out for change.
You could also mention something like Cassian’s voice braking or squeaking in the first section, because I’m guessing he’s a younger teen. Then by the Second section his voice could have evened out and become deep. You could mention that when he asks whats wrong, and she jumps and tries to hide her tears because she knows it him.
Example:
“How’s Birdie today?” he spun her around, and she laughed. Cassian grinned “Look at you fly!” His voice shot up at the word “fly” and broke with a squeaking crack. Lilitu howled with laughter. “Don’t you go laughing,” said Cassian sternly, shaking his finger at his little brother. “This voice is the mark of a man.”
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef jumped. She would know that voice in an instant. After three years, Cassian’s voice had evened out and deepened to a rich tone that she loved. His voice made her feel safe. It was the way a father’s voice should sound.
idk. Just some ideas that I’ve found useful. I just wrote these on the fly, so do what you like with them, or toss them. Just some ideas.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Ooo, I really liked it! Super good! I like where this is going!
Yeah, Jonas is right again. I think you could honestly keep it in this chapter as long as you put something more important in the first section. Like the brother. Who is this other brother? This is the first we have heard of another sibling, and all we have is, “Lilitu had another brother, Eloy.” Maybe show him doing something. Being so-called boring. Is he nice, mean, thoughtful, shy. I mean, why did he get accused of being boring by Sef, who seems to like everyone. Also, ids he older or younger then Cassian?
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like you, Birdie.”
Ok, that was just a cringe for me me because of the way our country is trying to use that to justify some really horrid stuff. What if the line was,
“No, not like me,” Cass laughed. “Be like the Great One, Birdie.”
After all, Christ is our example.
And for the second jump, use the seasons. Start the first section like this.
“I love birds,” Sef sang as she spread her arms wide, mimicking the birds soaring overhead, silhouetted against the bright blue Summer sky.
Then the second jump could be….
The winter wind blew icily against Sef, and she wrapped her arms about herself, staring miserably at the frozen ground. A tea trickled off the end of her nose and fell onto the porch step. Sef watched as it slowly crystalized, mimicking the chill she felt within.
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef started, wiping away a tear before Cassian could see.
idk, something like that. It would basically give us a heads up that this is going to be another jump and we should be looking out for change.
You could also mention something like Cassian’s voice braking or squeaking in the first section, because I’m guessing he’s a younger teen. Then by the Second section his voice could have evened out and become deep. You could mention that when he asks whats wrong, and she jumps and tries to hide her tears because she knows it him.
Example:
“How’s Birdie today?” he spun her around, and she laughed. Cassian grinned “Look at you fly!” His voice shot up at the word “fly” and broke with a squeaking crack. Lilitu howled with laughter. “Don’t you go laughing,” said Cassian sternly, shaking his finger at his little brother. “This voice is the mark of a man.”
“How’s it going, Birdie?”
Sef jumped. She would know that voice in an instant. After three years, Cassian’s voice had evened out and deepened to a rich tone that she loved. His voice made her feel safe. It was the way a father’s voice should sound.
idk. Just some ideas that I’ve found useful. I just wrote these on the fly, so do what you like with them, or toss them. Just some ideas.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
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