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Where exactly is the link again? I seem to remember it was on an external document or something rather than being posted directly on KP.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Okay, well, I am reading! *Shoves all the motivation your way* I will give you some comments and some in-depth thoughts! Hopefully these are what you’re looking for.
Comments (as I’m going through) –
– Characters are very easy to picture, and not very easy to forget. XD So you’re good in that area.
– Prose flows smoothly and there are some nice descriptions, like the flower in Chapter 1. Little things like that.
– You describe Lilitu’s subconscious motives in Chapter 2. (The part about striving to always be good enough. His other thoughts are fine.) Usually characters don’t know what their subconscious motives are until they have experienced a good chunk of the story. So maybe this could be changed. It’s up to you.
– In Chapter 7, Eloy’s powers could be explained in a more natural way.
– I totally understood Sef’s panic in Chapter 8. I can have a very physical reaction to something like an injection, and a brand is a million times worse. So good job writing the tension there.
– I like Aubrielle, and she is my favorite character. She acts like she knows what she’s doing, which is oldest-sibling coded in a good way.
– I also like Marcurious. I can tell you also like him. XD
– Although Marcurious has a motive, he is also very reactive to the tournament. I think it would be more fun to read if Marcurious went in with a goal, with real determination, and tried his best to defeat the dragon. His motive would come off stronger, and his sassy personality would come out more.
– I liked how Liv and Marcurious were obviously traveling in opposite directions and were going to bump into each other. That was funny. XD
– “Marcurious, Prince of Erstonia, had done the impossible. And the irresponsible.” Favorite line. :p
– Liv: “Lilitu is the only one for me.” Liv, five seconds later: “This nameless stranger is the only one for me.” The love at first sight is very strong, but you gauge what you want. I have a feeling it is an easy thing to tweak.
– “Livia wasn’t dead.” Love the transition.
– I’m not sure what happened at the end of Chapter 27. It says Livia used those powers, but the mixture of water and fire felt like it’s supposed to be an Ottoline thing.
– Finished the section!
In-depth thoughts –
The pacing seems fine, you don’t need to worry. 👍 I understand how it feels when you write something and you don’t know what it looks like to a reader. You’re doing fine. Your style is smooth and easy to read.
Your racial worldbuilding makes sense, too. I remember how much it has worried you in the past, and now it feels fleshed out and relevant. The world magic seems to come in later on in the book, and I really like that, because it’s more of a natural progression.
The abuse is a little heavy-handed so far, but maybe that’s just because this is the first half (or so). 😅 Lilitu and Sef are in more of a reactive plot because of things done to them. Sef has bad things done to her, and doesn’t do things herself to fix her situation. I would love it if they had more agency. I’m not sure how to do that with the Payne oppression (it makes sense to have some reactive plot), but I thought I would mention it.
My favorite plotline is the Livia and Aubrielle journey, it feels well paced. I am curious to know how the girls are going to travel with Marcurious when their destinations are different.
All in all, well done Sara!! *Gives you chocolate for your efforts*
#ProtectAdolinKholin
*exhale*
Snap doodle.
Just finished reading through all your chapters… man, I dont even know what to say…
Must read moreeeeee. WRITE WRITE WRITE!
Eloy is my favorite… Aubrielle is probably second. And, since he hasn’t done anything yet that I can see, Cassian is also a fav.
Liviaaaa, you be lusting, girlie…chillllll… you don’t even know that guy… XD XD
whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper
junior, double, triple whopperOmc thank you so much girl, that means a lot…you’re gonna make me cryyyy
Ahhh thank youuuu 😭😭💜💜💜💜💜
Your critique was EXACTLY what I was looking for, so thank you!!!
–Characters are very easy to picture, and not very easy to forget. XD So you’re good in that area.
YAYYYY!!! That’s one of the things I was worried about, and I’m so happy with how this draft is flowing compared to other ones…all the characters seem wayyy more distinct in my mind now (not sure if it’s the new draft, or the fact that I’ve been working on them for a year lol) but thank you! That’s really reassuring!
– Prose flows smoothly and there are some nice descriptions, like the flower in Chapter 1. Little things like that.
Awww thank you so much!!! I’m glad!
– You describe Lilitu’s subconscious motives in Chapter 2. (The part about striving to always be good enough. His other thoughts are fine.) Usually characters don’t know what their subconscious motives are until they have experienced a good chunk of the story. So maybe this could be changed. It’s up to you.
Yeah, this has been mentioned by several other people…I need to edit that chapter a bit, and I’m gonna make a comment on my manuscript so I can come back to it later!
– In Chapter 7, Eloy’s powers could be explained in a more natural way.
Yeah…I had a nagging feeling that was the case…I always feel like I’m really bad at describing powers *cries* if you have any ideas for how to describe it, I’d love them lol
– I totally understood Sef’s panic in Chapter 8. I can have a very physical reaction to something like an injection, and a brand is a million times worse. So good job writing the tension there.
Thanks!! On scenes like that I struggle with writing them well while not being too graphic with them, all the while still conveying the characters emotions. So that’s really reassuring <33
– I like Aubrielle, and she is my favorite character. She acts like she knows what she’s doing, which is oldest-sibling coded in a good way.
Okay, everyone seems to like Aubrielle…didn’t expect that! 😂😂😂 but I kind of understand, honestly, she’s pretty fun and I like her personality (though she does need to be developed wayyy more, I kinda just threw her together XD)
– I also like Marcurious. I can tell you also like him. XD
AHHH YESSSS MARKY BOYYYY ( @esther-c your nickname stuck lol, no going back now!!! hahaha)
– Although Marcurious has a motive, he is also very reactive to the tournament. I think it would be more fun to read if Marcurious went in with a goal, with real determination, and tried his best to defeat the dragon. His motive would come off stronger, and his sassy personality would come out more.
I’ll work on that!!! I did write that scene a while ago and decided it would fit with this draft, so it probably does need a lot of revising.
– I liked how Liv and Marcurious were obviously traveling in opposite directions and were going to bump into each other. That was funny. XD
Yayyyyy hahaha
I love it when people say my writing’s funny….because I always worry that it’s cringy lol
– “Marcurious, Prince of Erstonia, had done the impossible. And the irresponsible.” Favorite line. :p
GASPETH.
YAYYYYYY
– Liv: “Lilitu is the only one for me.” Liv, five seconds later: “This nameless stranger is the only one for me.” The love at first sight is very strong, but you gauge what you want. I have a feeling it is an easy thing to tweak.
Soooooo
I know it is a little bit extreme, but I realized something about Liv. Her character arc deals a lot with love. Since she’s moved around so much, she’s never really felt loved by a lot of people and she’s felt isolated. So her character arc is constantly desiring love, and then realizing that only the Great One can truly fill that spot in her heart.
I’m going to make it a little less drastic so it flows better, but there is a reason why she jumps into that so quickly!
– “Livia wasn’t dead.” Love the transition.
Aw thank you!
– I’m not sure what happened at the end of Chapter 27. It says Livia used those powers, but the mixture of water and fire felt like it’s supposed to be an Ottoline thing.
Yeah… *coughs* that chapter is really, REALLY chaotic and very sloppy.
It was one of those really stubborn scenes, and I just wanted to slap something on the page so I could edit it later and so I would stop procrastinating.
SOOOO
I came up with this worldbuilding thing where the pure races can combine powers with others. This is how Livia and Aubrielle escaped the Pythonos in Chapter 9. I need to do a better job of writing that though…anyways, normally you would never want to combine “minds” with someone else that’s not your race, because you could get seriously injured or even killed. But Livia was desperate and the Pythonos were coming, so she combined powers with Marcurious, Aubrielle, Xandro, and Ottoline (and she didn’t know Ottoline was unstable and half of each…).
I’m developing the way the powers work a little more, and I have a theory that water and fire together can do crazy insane things…but at the cost of the flames and water burning the two partners.
Anyway, the fire burned Livia and currently she’s unconscious in the desert waiting for someone to save her lol I need to fix it *cries*
The pacing seems fine, you don’t need to worry. 👍 I understand how it feels when you write something and you don’t know what it looks like to a reader. You’re doing fine. Your style is smooth and easy to read.
Thank you!
Your racial worldbuilding makes sense, too. I remember how much it has worried you in the past, and now it feels fleshed out and relevant. The world magic seems to come in later on in the book, and I really like that, because it’s more of a natural progression.
*breathes a sigh of relief* yayyyyy
The abuse is a little heavy-handed so far, but maybe that’s just because this is the first half (or so). 😅 Lilitu and Sef are in more of a reactive plot because of things done to them. Sef has bad things done to her, and doesn’t do things herself to fix her situation. I would love it if they had more agency. I’m not sure how to do that with the Payne oppression (it makes sense to have some reactive plot), but I thought I would mention it.
Okay, yeah, I’m struggling with this part *cries*
Things are really going to start to get moving with Lilitu and Sef in a minute here, once Iver goes to Lir…and then once that happens I can come back and edit!
My favorite plotline is the Livia and Aubrielle journey, it feels well paced. I am curious to know how the girls are going to travel with Marcurious when their destinations are different.
Oh yay! I was worried it was unrealistic hahaha
Everyone who’s read it really likes them, which was a surprise, but I’m glad!
All in all, well done Sara!! *Gives you chocolate for your efforts*
Thank you so much, Whaley…you’re the best girl!!!! *gives you ice cream and fuzzy socks for your help*
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Just finished reading through all your chapters… man, I dont even know what to say…
Must read moreeeeee. WRITE WRITE WRITE!
Aw girlie thank you so much… <33
Eloy is my favorite… Aubrielle is probably second. And, since he hasn’t done anything yet that I can see, Cassian is also a fav.
AWWWWW
Why Eloy thoughhhh he kinda just drops off the face of the earth and isn’t relevant to the plot *cries* so you won’t be able to see him very much after a while hahaha
Liviaaaa, you be lusting, girlie…chillllll… you don’t even know that guy… XD XD
I KNOWWWWWWWW
AHHHH that’s the most accurate thing anyone’s ever said about her hahaha
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
AHHH YESSSS MARKY BOYYYY ( @esther-c your nickname stuck lol, no going back now!!! hahaha)
This makes me so happy 🤭🤣
Oh my word, reading through everyone’s comments…. aghhhh!!! I need to seriously start reading it, I’ve just been so busyyy 😭
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Why Eloy thoughhhh he kinda just drops off the face of the earth and isn’t relevant to the plot *cries* so you won’t be able to see him very much after a while hahaha
NoOoOo! 🥺 Too bad!! Idk he’s just funny to me lol.
I KNOWWWWWWWW
AHHHH that’s the most accurate thing anyone’s ever said about her hahaha
Lolol
whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper
junior, double, triple whopperYaayyy I’m glad that’s what you needed!! Awesome! <3 I was so worried for a second that it wasn’t.
you’re gonna make me cryyyy
Aw, don’t cry, I like critiquing and I thought it was a fun way to spend my time. :]
I’ll think about the things you mentioned and are struggling with, and if there’s something you need to brainstorm with others, let me know!
#ProtectAdolinKholin
@savannah_grace2009 I’ve been catching up!
Very good so far, although this confused me a bit:
“Passing through Azer land,” the woman swung the tip of the flames towards them. Livia inhaled sharply as the heat collided with the moisture on her cheek, sizzling and popping loudly. “Drinking from Azer waters.”
I mean I understand they have to have some water in order to live, but didn’t you say somewhere else that Azers don’t like water? Or did I completely misunderstand and that’s just a Ottoline/Naami thing?
also lol Livia is so lovestruck….
“You scared me!”
“I get that a lot,” Marcurious shrugged, sitting down in the sand beside her, so close their knees brushed. Liv’s side tingled, warming as if she sat beside glowing embers.
“Th-thanks for saving me,” Liv drew abstract shapes with her finger in the cold sand.
“Ahhh…there it is,” Marcurious nodded with approval.
“Sorry,” Liv giggled. “I was too busy—”
“Staring at me? I know. I get that a lot too.”
Liv blushed, smiling dumbly.
They sat in silence, watching the stars.
“So what’s it like in Erstonia?” Liv whispered, needing to hear his voice again.
“It’s overrated, honestly. All my people care about is entertainment.”Marcurious gestured to his left eye, and it was then that Livia noticed the scar that traced over it. Livia winced. “They used you?”
Marcurious nodded. “My father did.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
This section reminds me a little of a conversation I wrote between Huntress and Sniper (the main couple of my most recent WIP). It’s so funny how we have some of the same ideas.
How much time passed since Sef got taken by the way? Considering Ottoline sees Neveah in prison, but last Sef saw her mom she was still free.
She felt a small trickle of urine trickle down the inside of her leg
Repeated word is a little annoying. Can’t blame ya though, Sef.
And next to the Master, stood a great dragon, each of his seven heads nearly brushing the towering stone ceiling.
I think someone else already mentioned that six is a better number symbolizing evil than seven, which is usually used for perfection, but I also remember the devil dragon of Revelation did have seven heads too, so it’s up to you whether you wanna keep it or not.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Girl you should legit be an editor hahahaha you’ve always been sooooo good with critiques!!!
Thank you so muchhhhh
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
I mean I understand they have to have some water in order to live, but didn’t you say somewhere else that Azers don’t like water? Or did I completely misunderstand and that’s just a Ottoline/Naami thing?
So I’m not completely sure about that XDXD
Mainly, they just are very possessive of their lands and don’t want trespassers XD especially AQUINO trespassers. Also, they need water to live, so they drink it, but they tend to not like swimming (in rare cases, some do though)
The aversion to water is mainly just an Otto/Naami thing, because everything is so extreme for her, and it’s like one triggers/burns the other, if that makes sense!
How much time passed since Sef got taken by the way? Considering Ottoline sees Neveah in prison, but last Sef saw her mom she was still free.
Like three to six months I think
I’m not really sure, but definitely several months!
This section reminds me a little of a conversation I wrote between Huntress and Sniper (the main couple of my most recent WIP). It’s so funny how we have some of the same ideas.
Agh yesss lol
I love that scene, it’s so funnyyyy
It’s probably so cringy but it makes me happy so I’m keeping it hahahaha
Repeated word is a little annoying. Can’t blame ya though, Sef.
OMC THANK YOU SO MUCH
I didn’t even notice that…I will go change that right now!
I think someone else already mentioned that six is a better number symbolizing evil than seven, which is usually used for perfection, but I also remember the devil dragon of Revelation did have seven heads too, so it’s up to you whether you wanna keep it or not.
I was kinda basing it off the dragon in Revelation.
Also, even though seven is used in the Bible as “God’s number”, to me, it seems more evil than six…
Six doesn’t fit at all in my opinion, idk, it just doesn’t give evil vibes (even though I know six is used a lot as a symbol for evil…idk, I’m weird lol)
And I don’t like even numbers lol
like five isn’t enough and nine is too many…seven is just right lol
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
I have made it to the 26th chapter of your WIP. Having read so much now, I can tell you have put a lot of thought into your world-building. You’ve got a variety of cultures, locations, and races. I can tell you’ve put thought into the history as well.
However, I have also gotten far enough to determine something else. Due to some things such as the romance, I don’t think am in the target audience for your story. I am no longer going to read this. This does not mean your story is bad, it just means that it’s not for me and I think others will be able to give you better feedback than I can. Thank you for inviting me to read this. I hope the rest of the progress on your book goes well.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
The aversion to water is mainly just an Otto/Naami thing, because everything is so extreme for her, and it’s like one triggers/burns the other, if that makes sense!
Ahhh. Makes sense.
I was kinda basing it off the dragon in Revelation.
In that case, it makes sense.
I love that scene, it’s so funnyyyy
It’s probably so cringy but it makes me happy so I’m keeping it hahahaha
yessss I get like this too, I decide a scene is cringey, but I like it too much to remove it.
Like three to six months I think
I’m not really sure, but definitely several months!
Okay. Makes sense.
What are they gonna do to Sef’s little sis?
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
However, I have also gotten far enough to determine something else. Due to some things such as the romance, I don’t think am in the target audience for your story. I am no longer going to read this. This does not mean your story is bad, it just means that it’s not for me and I think others will be able to give you better feedback than I can. Thank you for inviting me to read this. I hope the rest of the progress on your book goes well.
Okay, I understand!!!
Thank you for reading it!!!!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
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