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I kind of have the opposite problem: my style has shifted to be a very strict 3rd-person limited POV, which means all information has to come out very naturally and it takes me way too long to explain things.
Honestly, me too lol
I think what happened is I overcorrected XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oooooo So, so good!! I LOVE the name Cassian!! Oh man, this is so good! I can already envision this going so, so good. Oh man, I love it!
Really?? thank you so much! Honestly I get a little mad at my story sometimes because it’s not as good as I wanted it to be XD
Ok, the killing the tree thing was a little strange. Explanation please!!! But I guess we’ll get to that later.
Okay…this is an idea I’ve been playing with for a while. So it might make it into the finished book, it might not. I might end up changing it depending on how much it doesn’t make sense…but we’ll see XD
So in my story the trees are intelligent, thinking beings, and are often used as Messengers of the Great One (God). So since Azazel killed the tree, he essentially committed murder, in order to provide for his family. It’s obvious he regrets it after he does it, so he is forgiven.
Also in the beginning I was kind of thinking that the trees would in some sort of confusing way, represent the Holy Spirit since it’s an allegory, and they bring messages to the people. Before you burn me at the stake for committing heresy by suggesting that the Holy Spirit can be killed…that’s not what I believe at all! The trees can be killed because that’s a form of suppressing the truth that the Holy Spirit tries to tell us. Killing the tree represents when we don’t want to listen to the Holy Spirit’s correction, and we ignore Him and consciously ignore Him.
I’m not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever, but I’ve been experimenting and it’s just an idea.
Also, I would like to know a little more about this sickness. why is it dangerous? what is it? what causes it? what cures it, etc. etc. etc.
I suppose since I wrote it, you expect me to know 😳 heh…heh…heh….
I’m just going to brain dump my ideas here (you asked for it…)
So the sickness represents the hard times in our life that bring us to the pivotal moment when we either have to choose to follow God, or turn to the world to satisfy our needs.
My thinking was that it wasn’t as severe as Kratos made it out to be…Kratos is cruel and wanted nothing to do with the Paynes so he exaggerated it a little. It depends on how strong the child’s immune system is. Since Paynes are weak (as they don’t have much food to eat, or clean water to drink), they often die from this sickness, but recovery is possible. It is called Dierdre’s Curse but I really, really hate that name so it’s just a placeholder.
I wish I had more details…sorry! I kind of develop stuff like that as it happens…I didn’t have a clue what it was the moment I made this plot. I make a sketch of the plot and then fill in details as I write it. That way I know where I’m going but still have fun with the details! (I kind of combine Plotting and Pantsing…if you read the KP articles you know) I need a plot or else I get sooo lost and confuse myself and everyone who reads it…but pantsing is what makes it fun because I’m free to change details as needed!
Sorry that turned into a ramble xD
I love how you introduced Cassian’s character. I mean, man, I liked him from the firs paragraph.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ah, that makes more sense about the trees. It’s an interesting idea. I’m excited to see how it develops.
The sickness also makes sense too!
I would like to know more about the Paynes as well. Like, why are they outcast, what is the race mixing thing, etc. etc. If that gets explained later then you can just leave it and let me find out.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I love how you introduced Cassian’s character. I mean, man, I liked him from the firs paragraph.
Oops…I was going to quote you but forgot….lol
I would like to know more about the Paynes as well. Like, why are they outcast, what is the race mixing thing, etc. etc. If that gets explained later then you can just leave it and let me find out.
Okay so…the Paynes are half breeds when one parent is Andromedan (Aquino, Azer, Estrello, Pitt, Pythonos…you’ll find out about these branches of Andromedans later), and one is human.
They’ve always been outcasts, but even moreso with the takeover of the Pythonos.
The Pythonos have taken over Andromeda, and have essentially brainwashed most of the Andromedan races into thinking that they are the rightful rulers. They’ve basically abolished Christianity, except for the Paynes. The Paynes have strong faith because of everything they went through, so the Pythonos convince everyone that the Paynes are to blame for everything.
I can’t really give away details…because it would spoil it XD you’ll have to find out later!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok, this is starting to come together! I’m really liking this!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Just read the first part and Stars! It’s great!
I’m kinda jealous.It was interesting, because all my charries were for whatever reason reading it too. And their opinions were all very interesting and could get them in huge trouble in that world.
"You need French Toast."
Alright, sorry this is late, but the prologue was really good! I found it intriguing, and after I finished it, I wanted to read more. The only thing was that the room that the Pythanos is sitting in could be described a bit more (like specifically what it looks like). The description of the atmosphere was great though.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Aww, really?!?! But girl, your writing’s AMAZING!!!
Thanks though!!! <3
Hi! I don’t think we’ve met before…
I’m Sara, a chocolate consuming, emotionally unstable, sleep deprived, algebra loving, public school attending sophomore (in highschool)! (I mean technically I’m a sophomore since school’s out for the summer so I’m officially graduated from 9th grade…oh well XD
The only thing was that the room that the Pythanos is sitting in could be described a bit more (like specifically what it looks like).
Yeah…I kinda got a little lazy with my descriptions XD I will work on that!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thank you so much <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Nice to meet you, thank for the introduction!
I’m Shadow, and besides writing, I love to draw, bake, sew, embroider, read, and go for hikes (I love cats). Congrats on finishing your first year of high school, I hope it went well!!
Yeah…I kinda got a little lazy with my descriptions XD I will work on that!!!
I feel that XD
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Okay, just read the first and second chapter, and they were awesome!! As I was reading it, I was curious to learn more about the world and the backgrounds of each character. This already feels like a book I would love to read and learn more about the story, characters, world, etc. The theme/moral for the story is great too. Oh, and the names for each characters are so unique!! Overall, your book is really good so far!!
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
(EDIT: this took longer than I thought, so I only got through he prologue. I’ll do chapter 1 tomorrow and chapter 2 on Wednesday.)
Alright, here’s some feedback. I’m just reading through and commenting as I go. As a warning for anyone else reading this, there may be spoilers in what I say here, since I’m familiar with much of this story already, so read at your own risk if you don’t want spoilers.
So, prologue…
It was a dark night-clouds moving from the west blotted out any light from the twin moons, and tendrils of fog curled around the two lone figures drifting through the streets of Lir.
Sevyrn held the small bundle against her chest, shielding the young child from the bitter cold. She strained to hear the sound of his shallow breathing, but nothing could be heard above the wind’s mournful cries. She tried to ignore how still her son was in her arms, how weak and frail he was. Instead, she focused on placing one foot in front of the other, towards help.
I think your descriptions are very good. The detail about the twin moons is something I never realized before, so that’s interesting.
One thing to consider is that your first line is very important in any story. There are a number of things it can and/or should do, such as hook the reader, set the tone, set expectations, point to the theme, etc. (I have a whole list somewhere that I can try to find if you want.) You’re definitely doing many of those, but just something to be aware of if you haven’t thought about it before. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as it is, it really evokes a certain mood, and has really strong imagery.
They first noticed something was wrong the morning before, when the child refused to eat. He lay on his back in his crib, unblinking eyes staring at the ceiling, his small body racked with chills and his skin damp with sweat.
Sevyrn had waited, hoping it was just an illness that would pass, but the child grew progressively worse.
They had waited for cover of darkness, when all of Lir was asleep, before daring to venture to the Estrello district where they might find a doctor.
These three paragraphs should all be in the same tense. (I’m not sure what the technical name for it is, but it’s where you use “had.”) The first of these is just using normal past tense. It should be “They had first noticed something was wrong…”
Sevyrn’s pulse beat wildly in her ears. What if they were refused help? Paynes were hated by the people, despised and treated like dogs. It would be a miracle if even one willing doctor in this great city would be willing to serve a Payne for a fair price.
One of the most interesting changes you made this draft is that these two characters are now Paynes rather than Pythonos. I have some more comments about this a bit later on, but I think that this change was a really good idea. I had always found it weird that the Pythonos were described as being completely evil, but then we saw them trying to save their child, which seems like a good thing to do. This works much better.
Please save my son, he tried to pray, but instead of peace, all he felt was anger.
How long will You stay silent? He wondered, shaking his head. Can’t You see that we’re falling apart?
This sort of insight to these characters’ heads was a really good change as well. Before, we weren’t really able to sympathize with them at all, since they were already Pythonos at this point.
Even before he opened the door, he smelled it, and almost choked.
“Haven’t they heard of a bath?” he whispered, trying not to breathe the air through his nose. However, the idea of the foul odor traveling through his mouth almost made him gag. Bracing himself, he opened the door.
Okay, this is one thing I found a bit odd. The Pythonos used to be the race with a supernatural stench attached to them, and I thought that was a really interesting and cool feature. Why did you transfer this aspect to the Paynes? To me, this would suggest that there is actually something wrong about the Paynes, which I know is not what you intend at all.
“He has Dierdre’s Curse,” Kratos handed the child back to its mother. “You might as well take him home and make him comfortable, as I’m not about to waste my time trying to revive a Payne. He’s too far gone to waste any treatment on him.” he fought back a smirk at the horror that came into the woman’s eyes. “I don’t suspect he’ll last until morning.”
“Curse you, Kratos!” the man hissed, reaching out as if to grab Kratos by the throat. But Kratos only laughed, sending a surge of light directly into the man’s eyes.
One consequence of making Kaden and Sevryn more sympathetic, is that Kratos now seems entirely unsympathetic. This may not be a problem, since, as far as I know, he is not a major character at all.
I do have to wonder why the other Andromedan races would hate Paynes so much. You said that the Pythonos have basically brainwashed everyone into hating them, but it doesn’t seem to me like an average person could be this absolutely cruel and remorseless to other people. We are seeing this from Kratos’ POV, and we don’t see any hint of pity or anything. Obviously, Kratos could for whatever reason be particularly hateful of Paynes, but then he is no longer a representation of the average person’s view of Paynes. Alternatively, you could make it so that he does have some amount of pity for them that he simply represses. Or you could switch this scene to be from someone else’s POV, so we don’t see his inner thoughts at all and only his outer treatment of them.
Another question, later on Kaden refers to the Pythonos as “the resistance.” Does this mean that they aren’t even in power yet? In that case, how did they already manage to turn the other races against the Paynes?
He was a mere human—shunned and hated by many. Sevyrn knew the day that they married, that if they had children someday, they would be Paynes, the mixing of the two races-Andromedan and Human.
I really like the culture worldbuilding you have here, and so, as a worldbuilding nerd, I have a bunch of questions and comments about this that most people probably would just ignore.
So, my first question is, what happens when you mix two Andromedan races together? Unless there is some cultural reason similar to the hatred for Paynes, these mixes should be fairly common, and even then, I would assume that some of them exist. Unless for whatever reason, the races override each other or something and the offspring is always one or the other and not a mix.
And with Payne children, the title passed to the parents as well.
I’m probably thinking about it too much, but that doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. It does make sense that the parents of a Payne would be put in the same social status but saying that the title of Payne passes to them as well seems a bit odd, unless you are using the term Payne in two separate senses (a racial sense and a social sense.) Just a quibble of mine. It bothers me a bit, but most people probably wouldn’t think anything of it.
“Yes, Sevryn. We’re going to join the resistance. The Pythonos.”
So, like I said before, does this mean that the Pythonos have yet to take over?
“The price?” the man shook his head. “It’sss just a trifle, really.” he paused. “Join me. I will make you my right hand man, and give you everything you could ever want. In exchange for your fealty. You mussst take an oath to ssserve me until death.”
This may be something that is answered later, but why does the Master Pythonos want Kaden to be is second in command? If that’s a spoiler, don’t answer, but I just wanted to make sure that there was ana answer for it.
A sudden euphoria took over Jraldath, his heart racing. He was a Pythonos.
“I am looking forward to you and your wife joining my ranksss,” the Master hissed, nodding as Jraldath bowed at his feet. “I have big plansss for you, young one,” he laughed, the sound filling the room.
But Jraldath scarcely noticed.
“Yesss, Massster,” he said, his voice now indistinguishable from the dark man on the throne.
I think this is one of the best changes you made this draft. That anyone can become a Pythonos makes so much sense! (Am I right in assuming that this is the only way new Pythonos are made?) From a thematic and moral point of view, this works much better than having them be a separate natural race.
Jraldath eyed his son with contempt.
“He’sss an ugly one,” he remarked, looking at Selena.
Had her eyes always been that color? He wondered. Her eyes were completely black, like endless voids staring right through him.
It had been hardly a full hour since they had sworn fealty to the Master. Already Jraldath could scarcely remember why they had joined, and neither could he remember what life was like without serving his Master.
He looked down his nose at the motionless infant that Selena held. Now her arms held him as far away from her body as possible, as if she didn’t want to touch him.
“Yesss,” she said, her voice like a snake’s. “He won’t live until morning,” she spat. “We should do away with him now; end his misssery.”
Like I mentioned before, it had always seemed weird to me why the pure evil Pythonos would care about saving their son. Changing them to start out not as Pythonos fixed that problem perfectly and added this tragic irony: they don’t want their son now, even though it’s the reason they became Pythonos. I assume the other Pythonos knew that this would happen? Do they even have the ability to heal him?
I’m not sure what your plan is, but I just had a thought/suggestion. You may have already thought of this, but I just thought, what if God healed the child in the morning? It would provide an answer to Jraldath and Selena’s impatience with Him and highlight their mistake. Like I said, this may be exactly what you have planned, but I just wanted to mention it.
Jraldath placed the child at the water’s edge and looked upon his son’s face one last time. And then, before the last of his humanity prevailed, he turned and walked away, leaving the child in fate’s hands.
As a final thought, this detail about “the last of his humanity,” indicates that Pythonos are not 100% evil, which is interesting to note.
I really like this prologue. I think that it makes for a strong introduction into this world, introduces your main villains well, and provides the backstory to one of your main characters.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksGoodness! Cloaked Mystery is ON IT! It helps that there is more background to work off of knowing the other version of the story, but man! This is like professional editing! AWESOME JOB!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I want to help a little bit more since you appreciated my help before! 😋 So I mostly had the same thoughts as Jonas. The greatest enjoyment I got from the prologue was the twist from ‘we’re doing this to save the baby’ to ‘what’s this baby doing here?’ That was great.
I only have a couple extra notes.
Please, Jesus, save my son, he begged, referring to the Great One in the human tongue.
You should think about how strong of an allegory you want. Once you say Jesus, all readers will know this is a Christian allegory, and that will be your transparency level for the rest of the story.
If you want it to be fully transparent then – *thumbs up* But if you want it to be more fantastical and vague, I would remove references to Christ, and the more obvious references to Christian tradition. This is totally up to you.
“Yes, Sevryn. We’re going to join the resistance. The Pythonos.”
Do Kaden and Sevryn know how the change will affect them? If I was going to give myself to the Pythonos and I knew how it would change my values (my capability for violence and cruelty), I wouldn’t trust myself to take care of a baby after the change. I would find some way to protect the baby from my new identity before the change.
Now. If the baby was about to die and I didn’t have time to prepare, that might change things XD If that is the case here, mentioning the urgency would help. And if the couple believed they could pushed past the evil and still love their son, that might help your allegory. People can’t force themselves to be good forever.
“Everything is a mountain”
Wow…this is a lot to think about and really helpful! Thank you!!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as it is, it really evokes a certain mood, and has really strong imagery.
Okay good XD
Yeah, the first line of the book is always the hardest because that’s how the readers decide whether or not to keep reading!
These three paragraphs should all be in the same tense. (I’m not sure what the technical name for it is, but it’s where you use “had.”) The first of these is just using normal past tense. It should be “They had first noticed something was wrong…”
Oh yeah…that makes sense!
One of the most interesting changes you made this draft is that these two characters are now Paynes rather than Pythonos. I have some more comments about this a bit later on, but I think that this change was a really good idea. I had always found it weird that the Pythonos were described as being completely evil, but then we saw them trying to save their child, which seems like a good thing to do. This works much better.
Okay that makes me feel a lot better…especially after the other guy (nicknamed Puddleglum by @ellette-giselle 🤣 said he didn’t think it worked at all!!!)
Okay, this is one thing I found a bit odd. The Pythonos used to be the race with a supernatural stench attached to them, and I thought that was a really interesting and cool feature. Why did you transfer this aspect to the Paynes? To me, this would suggest that there is actually something wrong about the Paynes, which I know is not what you intend at all.
That’s a good point.
My original thought process was that since their Paynes and homeless, they would naturally not smell the greatest.
But I have a better solution to this… (that I just came up with now…lol)
Because of their spiritual decay as they slowly drifted away from the Great One and became more and more open to the idea of abandoning their faith, they would start to take on characteristics of Pythonos without actually becoming one entirely.
One consequence of making Kaden and Sevryn more sympathetic, is that Kratos now seems entirely unsympathetic.
Question…why is this a problem?
It honestly makes more sense now that he is unsympathetic (in my opinion) because before, he refused to help them even though they were farm more powerful then he was. Before, with the characters being Pythonos, it would have made more sense for Kratos to help them because he was afraid of them. Now he just despises Paynes and refuses to help them, so this scene works a little smoother.
Another question, later on Kaden refers to the Pythonos as “the resistance.” Does this mean that they aren’t even in power yet? In that case, how did they already manage to turn the other races against the Paynes?
The resistance has already been started. The Pythonos aren’t fully in power, but they are on the brink of overthrowing the government.
The Pythonos don’t have to be in a position of authority to spread their lies, just like how Satan can still cause so much damage without having the ultimate authority. Pythonos are constantly using their lies/dark magic to build hatred against Paynes. Building hatred isn’t that hard to do because since Paynes often have genetic mutations like deformations, and humans are hated already, Paynes were already seen as outcasts. They weren’t hated and many still had compassion, but the Pythonos just built off that, as well as blaming Paynes for a great deal of the nations problems.
So, my first question is, what happens when you mix two Andromedan races together? Unless there is some cultural reason similar to the hatred for Paynes, these mixes should be fairly common, and even then, I would assume that some of them exist. Unless for whatever reason, the races override each other or something and the offspring is always one or the other and not a mix.
The offspring is like you said…always one or the other, not a mix. It’s completely random which race of Andromedan the child is.
I’m probably thinking about it too much, but that doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. It does make sense that the parents of a Payne would be put in the same social status but saying that the title of Payne passes to them as well seems a bit odd, unless you are using the term Payne in two separate senses (a racial sense and a social sense.) Just a quibble of mine. It bothers me a bit, but most people probably wouldn’t think anything of it.
I meant that the parents would be put in the same social status, so that they would be viewed as Paynes, without having any of the Paynes’ genetics.
So, like I said before, does this mean that the Pythonos have yet to take over?
Yep!
This may be something that is answered later, but why does the Master Pythonos want Kaden to be is second in command? If that’s a spoiler, don’t answer, but I just wanted to make sure that there was ana answer for it.
Satan tries to make the Darkness appear desireable, just as he convinced Eve in the Garden that the fruit would give her more power and knowledge.
The Master was just trying to make joining him seem even better, as well as the fact that he can see the potential in Kaden to become a very evil Pythonos.
Am I right in assuming that this is the only way new Pythonos are made?
(Thank you for the encouragement on the changes!!! It means a lot!)
Yes! Though, there was always the original Pythonos (the Master) that started the whole thing, he’s the only exception.
Like I said above, if someone renounces their faith in the Great One, they take on some characteristics of the Pythonos. The characteristics depend on the person. Some acquire the completely black eyes, some have the smell, some have dry flaky gray areas of skin, etc. The end outcome is almost always submission to the Pythonos because the person has already built up enough hatred towards the Great One that they normally don’t want to return to Him.
Does that make sense?
I assume the other Pythonos knew that this would happen? Do they even have the ability to heal him?
Yes, the others knew that this would happen, though Kaden and Sevyrn didn’t know about them becoming entirely evil. Pythonos do have the ability to heal their son, but the Master knew that they wouldn’t care about him enough to actually have him heal their son.
what if God healed the child in the morning?
That’s literally exactly what happens 😂😂
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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