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I agree!!!
WHATTTTT
twenty seven!!!!
that’s crazy!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Yay, another section! I’ll read it after Christmas, cuz that’s probably when I’ll have time.
If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.
#wewantourhatback
@savannah_grace2009 Yeah, I know! It was crazy, I would only be able to do like four drafts before I’m like “Eh, let’s just publish this already” lol.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Ok, I read the part, and I think it’s a good introduction to Lilitu. I don’t know if you want critiques, so try I’ll keep it at a minimum.
First of all, I don’t know if you had planned for Lilitu to have any more lasting injuries than some cuts and bruises, but from the level of beating he’s just received, he’s likely to have some cracked or broken ribs (which could damage internal organs), and/or a concussion. And if he was knocked out/unconscious for long enough for Cassian to find him, that’s bad. A beating this bad would probably hospitalize someone.
(disclaimer: I don’t know much about injuries and I get squeamish looking stuff like this up, so someone who knows more than me can correct me or provide more information. This is all by my limited knowledge)
(btw is Lilitu’s blood blue?)
It’s a bit unclear why the Aquinos didn’t kill Lilitu, since they seemed to want to. Did they assume he’d just die there?
The last couple of paragraphs seem like they’re telling us a bit too much about Lilitu. It’s ok to do a bit of that, but also give the reader a change to see some things for themselves. Show through his actions how Lilitu strives to be good enough. Show how he’s a bit jealous of Cassian. Readers are smart and can pick up on things.
I promise this is the last thing. I like the opening line of the chapter, it’s a good hook and it makes me want to read the rest. You might want to take the emphasis off ‘not’, though, because that sort of makes it read as if the end of the last chapter had said something about Lilitu being dead. Just a little thing.
This is, of course, all my opinion, and you are free to disregard as you wish.
Sorry, this turned into a bit more than intended. Hope that all made sense.
If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.
#wewantourhatback
First of all, I don’t know if you had planned for Lilitu to have any more lasting injuries than some cuts and bruises, but from the level of beating he’s just received, he’s likely to have some cracked or broken ribs (which could damage internal organs), and/or a concussion. And if he was knocked out/unconscious for long enough for Cassian to find him, that’s bad. A beating this bad would probably hospitalize someone.
Yeahhh….he does have a concussion, and he’s in pretty rough shape. (I talk about it a little more in the next chapter)
I know it’s not that accurate and is probably melodramatic lol! Thanks for the tips! I’m just getting back into writing again so I probably won’t edit this chapter too much (I’ll keep it in mind to change later though!) so I won’t change it right now. Thanks for the critiques!
btw is Lilitu’s blood blue?
Yep, lol
He’s part Aquino, so he does have blue blood.
It’s a bit unclear why the Aquinos didn’t kill Lilitu, since they seemed to want to. Did they assume he’d just die there?
Yeah, pretty much lol
The last couple of paragraphs seem like they’re telling us a bit too much about Lilitu. It’s ok to do a bit of that, but also give the reader a change to see some things for themselves. Show through his actions how Lilitu strives to be good enough. Show how he’s a bit jealous of Cassian. Readers are smart and can pick up on things.
Okay thanks!!!!
This chapter wasn’t really edited so most of this is kind of a rough draft, I just wanted to see if it had potential or if there were any serious problems.
Thank you and I’ll keep this in mind!!! <3
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@ellette-giselle @jonas (let me know if I’m tagging you too much, I know you’re probably busy!!!!) this goes for anyone else too, please let me know if you’d like me to stop tagging you lol @highscribeofaetherium @grcr @anyone-else
Here’s a second half of the Lilitu chapter:
(Again, this is unedited so this won’t be the finished product, this is just a rough draft lol!)
Hot water and antiseptic seared the edges of Lilitu’s various cuts and bruises, and he sucked in air through his teeth.
“Mani, it hurts,” he whined, resisting the urge to cradle his pounding head in his hands.
Indie looked down at her son, her hazel eyes burning with frustration. She blew a strand of dark hair from her forehead and pursed her chapped lips.
“Lilitu, I’m being as gentle as I can, but you’re going to have to sit still. The sooner I clean all the gravel and dirt out of your cuts, the sooner I can bandage them, and the sooner they’ll heal.” she let out a sigh. “I wish you’d stop fighting.”
For a brief moment, Lilitu thought he caught sight of tears welling up in Indie’s eyes, but she blinked them away.
“I can’t lose you.” The annoyance dissolved into sadness.
“I know,” Lilitu whispered, looking down and letting the antiseptic burn.
The room was silent, save for the sound of Indie wringing out the washcloth, and Lilitu’s muffled gasps as he tried his best to keep still.
He was seated in a wooden rocking chair, facing the glowing fireplace where warm embers danced in the dim light.
“I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said softly.
“I know.” With gentle fingers, his mother lifted his chin and made him look at her. Her eyes now held nothing but compassion, her love evident in the way she looked at him, her smile, and the way she cradled his cheek in her soft hands. “You know I love you, right?” Lilitu looked at his mani, and though she hadn’t carried him in her womb, hadn’t taught him to walk and talk, hadn’t heard him say his first words, she was more of a mother to him than the woman who bore him.
And he could think of no other woman he’d rather call mahnith.
“Yes, mani,” he smiled at her, although the motion tugged at a long scrape below his left eye.
“Good. Don’t forget it,” she ruffled his hair with her free hand and reached for a piece of dry cloth with the other.
“Time goes by so fast,” she remarked. “It seems like only yesterday that Azazel brought you home.” She wound the cloth tightly around a scrape on his arm, and Lilitu noticed the pain was already diminishing. “And look at you, nearly a man…” she shook her head, looking at him with pride. “I couldn’t be more proud to call you my son.”
The words affected Lilitu greatly, more than he was willing to let on. She was proud of him.
“If Azazel was here, I know he would say the same,” Indie took a deep breath.
“I—I wish I could hear him say it,” Lilitu’s voice cracked, and tears pooled in his watery gray eyes.
“Me too,” Indie’s voice broke. “He would be very proud. I know he would.”
Not more than a year ago, Azazel had been conscripted into the Pythonos army, taken by force.
The loss had been devastating…for Indie and Lilitu’s brothers, Cassian and Eloy, and Lilitu had lost a father for the second time in his life.
And every day he asked himself the same question…would he be proud of me?
Lilitu watched the dying fire in the hearth in silence.
Finally, Indie finished with his cuts and bruises.
“Goodnight, Lilitu,” she planted a kiss on his forehead, smiled down at him, and left the room.
“Goodnight, Mani,” he whispered.
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Not at all. Tag me whenever you want.
This is a really good chapter. Well balanced dialogue, not cheesy on the emotions, but enough to make you feel them. Well done.
(I’m really hoping for more Eloy in this draft. *hint hint*)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Okay great!!! hahaha!
Really??? That makes me really happy!!!! Thank you!!!! <3
Speaking of Eloy, I just wrote a funny Eloy scene (it’s kind of cheesy I think, but I’m going to edit it later.) I’ll post it in a little bit!!!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Wonderful! Tag me when you do!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I will!!!
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@ellette-giselle @anyone-else
Next chapter!!!
What am I doing?
Frustration built up in Lilitu’s chest until he wanted to scream.
But he couldn’t scream….or else Adar would find him.
Cass isn’t going to come bail you out this time, he pressed his lips together in a thin line. You have to figure it out yourself.
He tried to find a comfortable position, pressed between the boxes and the brick wall, tried to slow his breathing so it didn’t sound like the panting of a wild dog, but as time passed, it became quickly apparent that neither was possible.
He shifted the loaf of bread in his arms, trying to protect it from being crushed by his body.
His only option now, was to stay as still as possible and pray that the Azers didn’t find him.
If they find me, they’ll report me to the Pythonos. There’s no more second chances.
He fought the sudden urge to punch something. Or someone.
Why am I risking my life for a loaf of bread?
He appraised the pastry, cradled in his arms like a newborn infant. It wasn’t even the best loaf out there….he shook his head.
This is dumb.
He was seventeen, a man, much too old to be running around Lir like a common crook…but desperate times called for desperate measures. And if this wasn’t desperate, than he didn’t know what was.
Voices drifted through the marketplace, familiar voices that made the walls close in even tighter.
“Where is the little rat?”
“Did you see his foot? He can’t have gotten far. We’ll find him. We’ll find him and make him pay.”
Hours later, it was apparent that the Azers were much better at empty threats than making good on their promises, for while they were occupied with explosive fits of rage which resulted in the burning of their merchandise, Lilitu was tucked safely away in his hiding place.
When Lilitu finally dared to crawl out from behind the boxes, it was well after dark, and the market was eerily quiet.
Stretching out his limbs, he hissed between his teeth as pins and needles jabbed at his nerves, and he bit his lip to keep from crying out.
He rubbed his club foot until the pain subsided long enough for him to put weight on it.
It ached, but he was used to the constant dull pain.
“Lilitu!”
Lilitu looked around, and saw Livia—perhaps the only Aquino ever to walk Andromeda that Lilitu didn’t hate—walking towards him, her horse Xandro close behind her. Her blue hair billowed out behind her in the slight breeze and her piercing blue eyes appraised the situation before Lilitu had time to explain.
“Stealing again, are we?” She nodded towards the bread Lilitu still held in his arms.
“You know it,” he laughed bitterly.
Thunder rumbled overhead, and a mist reached Lilitu’s face, borne on the wind.
Xandro stepped around Liv and snorted in his ear.
“Hey, boy,” Lilitu scratched under his azure mane. He’d always been fond of Xandro, the smell of grain and hay and his clean coat always seemed to calm Lilitu’s emotions.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“What?” He looked up, startled to find Liv had closed the distance between the two of them, leaving only inches between the two of them. He felt his cheeks grew hot as he realized how close they really were. As he realized how beautiful she was…her flawless blue skin and deep blue eyes—
He stopped himself.
As breathtaking as Livia was, she wasn’t Sef. And that was all that mattered.
Playing with the moisture in the air, pulling it back and forth between her hands, Liv smiled at him. “Steal. My family’s rich…they’d help.”
“You better not say that too loudly,” Lilitu reminded her, looking around as if the buildings surrounding them had ears. Livia’s family, one of the wealthiest Aquinos in Lir, were secretly Payne sympathizers. If they were found out…Lilitu shuddered. There was no telling what the Pythonos could and certainly would do to them.
But Livia’s gaze pierced right through him, as she stared into his eyes. Lilitu looked down at the ground, uncomfortable. Why was she looking at him like that?
“Please let us help,” she said, compassion softening her features.
He took a step backwards. “I-It’s fine.” His pride flared again. I don’t need anyone.
“It’s not.” she shook her head, seeing right through his facade. “Your family is practically starving, and you’re stealing from Azers-”
“Don’t remind me,” Lilitu cut her off, glaring at her, trying to ignore the hurt that flashed into her eyes. She started picking at something in Xandro’s mane, looking away. But Lilitu couldn’t stop. “Just because you’re so rich doesn’t mean we want your stupid money!” Liv flinched. Shut up! Lilitu warned himself, but the words slipped out before he could clamp his lips shut. “I don’t need any help,” he snapped, whirling on his heel and leaving her alone.
When the cloud of anger cleared, guilt settled over Lilitu in its place.
It was obvious that Livia cared about him, and more than just a friend. And there was nothing wrong with Livia, with her striking looks as beautiful as her heart. She was always trying to help out no matter the cost, and now was no different.
But she wasn’t Sef.
And although Lilitu hated to admit it, every time he talked to Livia, or any other girl for that matter, the comparison was automatic.
It wasn’t Livia’s fault that Lilitu’s heart refused to let go of the only girl that had ever been able to make his walls fall down.
So why was he being so rude to her? To everyone?
He was tired of every little thing setting him off.
Why couldn’t he be more like Cassian?
Cassian would’ve gratefully accepted any help he could have gotten.
Why was it so hard?
Why was it that the harder Lilitu tried to be good enough, he always fell short?
His temper was like a monster inside of him, constantly rearing its ugly head…he hated it.
He hated himself.
The monster was quiet for now….but when it stirred, there was no stopping it.
Lilitu kicked a rock with his good foot, trying to relieve the pressure building up in his chest. But all it did was stub his toe.
**
Lilitu stood at the edge of the Gostall River, trying—and failing— not to gag.The smell was especially bad tonight.
It was always worse during the warmer months, and now it was the middle of summer.
Though, the smell wasn’t what bothered him. It was the fact that he would have to wade across. Barefoot. And with his balancing skills—or lack thereof, at any moment he might lose his footing and become submerged in the brook, which was more pungent than any sewage.
In a way, the brook was sewage, as the Aquinos upstream coped with their unprovoked hatred of the Paynes by dumping their refuse into the stream, which coincidentally ran directly through the slums.
It wasn’t fair.
Nothing was fair.
Lilitu felt the anger rising again. He hated the Pythonos, as much as he feared them, the wraiths cloaked in black, striking down all who dared resist.
The water lapped at Lilitu’s ankles as he edged closer to the rancid, foul, river.
Everything in him told him that his foot should not belong in something that smelled worse than Cassian’s socks, but he knew that standing there at the edge, lamenting the task before him, wasn’t going to teleport him across. And so Lilitu steeled his will, held his breath, rolled up his trousers past his knees, and plunged his foot into the murky waters. Don’t think about the texture, don’t think about the smell, Lilitu warned himself. And definitely don’t think about that unidentified brown…thing…floating over there.
With a cry, he winced in pain as a stone jabbed his foot, causing him to stumble. It was sheer luck that he managed to stay upright. He sucked in a breath between his teeth and continued on.
The water only came up to his knees, but with only one good foot, the current was strong enough to sweep him away if he was not careful. He precariously balanced on rocks that could give way at a moment’s notice, and several times he almost fell.
Finally his torture ceased and he climbed up onto the opposite bank, feeling quite dirty and grimy. His twisted foot throbbed with pain sharper than a knife, and he sat down on a flat rock to rest it. The sound of the Falls roared in his ears.
Distinctly he felt the pain in his foot diminish, and so he pulled himself to his feet.
He winced as his bad foot shot pain up his calf.
Most of the time, Lilitu was able to walk normally, save for a gait that stiffened in the cold, or when he had been walking or running too much.
If it weren’t for his pani…
He shook his head.
He knew he needed to forgive his birth parents for abandoning him…and besides, he had a new family now.
But why did he still carry such a seed of bitterness in his heart?
And another nagging question continued to rear it’s head…
Why did he miss Sef so much?
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
OH! Ellette, you’re gonna be so happy… ( @theducktator and @grcr might also want to know this)
I have a recent development…
Cass is no longer going to be playing with Sef’s feelings.
He’s officially a nice guy again hahaha
Since Lilitu and Sef are separated for a good chunk of the book, there’s no opportunity for this to happen. Cass is still going to be the “perfect child” that Lilitu compares himself to, but he’s not going to be betraying anyone or leading Sef on.
Sef never catches feelings for Cass, only Lilitu.
you’re welcome lol!
(yes, my plot has changed a lot…)
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Ah. That is very good news!
also, do still tag me!! I still am reading your story, I just don’t usually have a lot to say though cuz I’m a bad editor. But I am still reading. 😊
whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper
junior, double, triple whopperYESSSSS!!!
Okay sounds good!!!!! Are you still writing your story? you should resend me the link, I’ve always loved your story! <3
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
Oh good, I’m glad Cass isn’t playing her. That was just horrible before.
So, since Cass is the perfect child (in Lilitu’s mind, I’d really like to see him fail in areas. Maybe in a way that Lilitu doesn’t even notice but the reader does. Ya know? Just my thoughts)
I liked this chapter a lot. Good job. One thing:
Liv had closed the distance between the two of them, leaving only inches between the two of them
Try switching that phrase up so you only use it twice in this sentence. Otherwise this is a great chapter.
But you promised an Eloy scene……. I’m still waiting! 😉
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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