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Oh, and as for why I changed the ending instead of them abandoning Lilitu…
There are a couple reasons why I did that. Maybe they’re not good reasons lol but I’m going to leave it, at least for now so I can play with it. I think it will make the story make a little bit more sense in the future so I’m just going to leave it for now.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Before you said that the master wanted to make Jaden his second in command to sweeten the deal. I’m saying that if that’s still the reason, I feel like you should portray Kaden as more hesitant initially, because as it is, it doesn’t really feel like he needed that incentive.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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That’s not the reason anymore I guess 😂 I actually forgot I said that…a lot has changed lol
That makes sense though, I understand what you’re saying!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@anyone-who-is-interested
Chapter 1
Strong hands grabbed at her shoulders, trying to rip her away.
But Sef wouldn’t let go.
Eyes scrunched shut, tears leaking from the corners, she clung to her father like he was the only thing keeping her life together.
In a way, he was.
And now he was leaving.
“Let go, Sef,” her mother said sternly. The bitterness in her mother’s voice make Sef flinch, and her small fingers curled around the folds in her father’s shirt even tighter, begging him to stay.
Stay.
Sef looked up, her emerald eyes glittering with unshed tears.
“Pani,” she whimpered, her lower lip trembling, “Don’t go, please!” Her voice was small, pleading, yet every word shook with emotion so powerful that for a sudden moment dampened her pani’s eyes..
But just as quickly, he looked away, and she saw the coldness and hardness in his face.
And in that instant she knew.
Her father didn’t love her.
He didn’t love her mother, either.
The four years of her life that she’d known him as her father, her pani….everything was a lie.
She flinched as though she’d been slapped, and she let go, letting her mother’s arms envelop her.
And then her father was gone.
***
The silence closed in around Neveah, pressing in and strangling her.
She tossed and turned, pulling the blankets up to her chin as if to shield her body from the inescapable pain.
It was useless.
The vacant space next to her felt like a vacancy in her heart.
Because it was.
Nico’s absence left a hole in her heart…a hole that could never be filled.
He left you.
He didn’t love you.
He promised. He promised to be your husband. To love and cherish you forever.
But he didn’t mean it.
Neveah curled into herself as sobs shook her small frame, trembling under the crushing weight of grief.
He’d left her, and he’d left Sef, too.
He’d only had the chance to be a father for four years. Sef was nearing her fifth birthday; how could Nico find anything more precious than his little girl?
How could he find anything better than us?
Neveah clenched her fists, and as angry and hurt as she was, she couldn’t deny the pain, the way that she still loved him. The way that her heart refused to let go even though her mind had moved on when Nico walked out of the door and out of her life.
And no matter how much she wanted to slap him, scream at him, pound on his chest with her fists, all she really wanted was for Nico to slip his arms around her, whispering into her ear, I love you, I love you.
And the knowledge that he would never say those words to her again, that he was somewhere in Lir saying those words to another woman at this very moment ripped another sob from her gut.
The tears fell faster.
Trying to pray, she closed her eyes, but no words would come. She longed for the whisper of comfort, but all she felt was her aching heart.
As quickly as they began, her tears subsided, and in their place was left another pain, though this one was somehow much worse.
She felt numb, cold and empty. Gone was the joy that the Great One had promised her, gone was the peace.
She imagined herself having to get out of bed the next morning, and even that seemed like such a chore.
Why do I feel this way? What’s wrong with me?
“Mani?” the door opened a crack.
Neveah wiped her tears. “What is it, baby?” She tried to warm her voice with a flicker of emotion, hating how dead and monotone she sounded.
“I’m scared,” Sef’s eyes were wide, her hair falling loose about her shoulders as she stood in the hallway, silhouetted against the dim light. “I-I had a bad dream.”
Without another word, Sef ran across the room, crawling in next to Neveah.
Neveah’s heart burned as she felt how bad Sef was shaking.
She never used to have nightmares before Nico and I started fighting.
She clenched her teeth. I hope you’re happy, she stared up at the ceiling again, seething.
Sef reached for Neveah’s hand, reminding Neveah that she had no time to be angry, no time to pity her situation when she had a daughter to care for.
“Do you want to sleep here tonight?” She stroked Sef’s soft hair.
Sef nodded. There was a moment of silence. “I miss Pani.”.
“I miss him too,” Neveah’s breath caught in her throat. Not now. Keep it together. “But we have each other….as long as we stick together, it’s going to be okay.”
She willed herself to believe those words, praying that Sef believed them too.
Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to imagine, just for a moment, that it was Nico’s hand in hers, that it was Nico laying next to her instead of her daughter.
And then she slept.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oooh, I like it!! My only critique is the first half of the chapter…. It was great until I found out Sef was only 4 at this point. It just felt a little too complex to be coming from a 4 year old, ya know? Maybe simplify it somehow? Keep the same emotions that Sef is feeling, but see if you can bring it down to a 4 year old’s level. Not writing in baby talk, but just simplifying the concepts to how Sef would have understood them at that time. Does that make sense? 😅
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I don’t know how a four year old thinks hahaha
honestly I had really deep thoughts for a little kid and I have always thought really complex, so it seems realistic to me XDXD
I will work on it!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’m not 100% sure either 🤣
Ok that makes sense! 😉 Yeah, I could always take a snippet of it and write it how I would interpret a four year old thinking through that if you wanted an example. (i don’t know if that’s weird or not 😂)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Honestly…
I have an idea….
ignore that first chapter lol
I HAVE A PLAN *maniacal laughter*
WHY DO I CHANGE IT SO MUCHHHH lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333😂🤣
Oy, the life of a writerrr 💀
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
don’t be afraid to keep it though! I liked it!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Okay hahahaha
I’m just playing around with things at the moment, I’ll let you know what I decide!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333(tagging some other peoples too) @ellette-giselle @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @grcr @anyone-else
Okay….
I have come to a decision lol
I’m keeping the prologue the same, but I’m tweaking a few things with the beginning.
Here’s the new first chapter (it opens when Sef is sixteen years old) Don’t worry, I’m going to edit it and provide more information about Andromeda (I only wrote it yesterday) but I want to hear your thoughts (or anyone else reading this) if it has potential or if I should just scrap the whole thing AGAIN 😭😭😭😂
Chapter 1– A Voice
Sef stood on the hilltop, overlooking the great city, taking in the sights and smells as if she were starving, all the while knowing that she could never go back.
She was a misfit, a disgrace, a half-breed.
A Payne.
And now Paynes weren’t welcome anywhere but the Wrallethom Heights, the large district on the outskirts that they had called home ever since the Pythonos rose to power.
Vividly Sef remembered that awful morning, when the Pythonos had burst into the house she shared with her mother, demanding that they pack their things and report to Wrallethom Heights immediately to be relocated.
The Pythonos had taken everything from them, only allowing them to bring what they could carry, and forcing as many as five families into a house built for one. The rest of their belongings were burned.
She’d lost her best friend Lilitu in the churning masses of people, and she’d never seen him again. The last she’d seen of him was the day before the Pythonos invaded the streets, the day that they’d walked along the Brook for hours, talking and laughing.
Even now, Sef still replayed their conversation constantly, reliving every word he said to her, remembering his voice—the memory alone still giving her butterflies.
She would never forget the way that he abruptly stopped, reaching for her hand, something he hadn’t done since they were little.
“I can’t pretend any longer, Sef. All this time…all this time I’ve been telling myself that you’re like a sister, like you’re my best friend, when you’re not.” Sef remembered how her heart had lurched into double-time, pounding against her ribcage. She swallowed hard, hoping that her palm wasn’t sweaty in Lilitu’s hand. “You were never just a friend to me. And I’m done hiding it. I’ve loved you since the day I met you, when we were kids.”
And then she was saying the words she’d said to him a million times in her dreams…. “I love you too.”
The memories to follow were still alive and vibrant, feelings that she vowed never to forget as long as she lived. The way Lilitu looked into her eyes, reaching for her other hand, slowly bringing his face closer to hers until she could feel his soft breath feathering her cheek. And then…his lips were against hers.
Her first kiss. Though it was brief and only for a moment, the memory was more precious than any of Sef’s possessions.
And now, now she hadn’t seen him for months…for all she knew he had been brutally murdered in the raids, and she’d give anything to have him back in her arms, kissing her again.
Could it really have been a year ago that things were so different? Sef wondered. Joy and laughter were foreign commodities, only a faint memory when contrasted with the oppression they faced now.
A small breeze tugged strands of light brown hair hair from her braid, and her skirt caught the wind.
“Lir is a city of life,” her father’s voice rang in her ears, “bustling with noise, with light, color. Never forget that we were once a part of that, Sef. Never forget who we were. Who we are.”
The memory brought a pang to her heart as she remembered how she had felt so safe, so secure wherever her Pani was. It had been-she closed her eyes, counting off each summer in her mind.
Eight years.
It had been eight long years since her father had gone to work that fateful morning, never to return. No one had seen him since, and no one knew what had happened to him…though Sef and her mother could easily imagine the possibilities.
He could have been taken by Pythonos, sent to a work camp, or even forced to serve in the Pythonos’ troops.
Sef had only been eight years old—she was sixteen now—and time had done nothing to ease the grief in her heart. She needed her Pani, more than she needed life itself.
Because that safety, that security she had felt in her Pani’s arms, was but a scene from a distant past. And now that he was gone, nothing would ever be the same again.
She shivered as she remembered a night, hardly more than a fortnight ago when her mani had not come back after work. Neveah had stumbled into the house two mornings later, covered with bruises and reeking of Pythonos. Sef dared not ask, for it was as if by her mother speaking the words, they became reality.
A reality that she was too terrified to face.
Ever since that night, her mother had not been the same.
Neveah had been too tired to get out of bed, complaining of an upset stomach, and migraines.
Sef had come out here to escape, to lose herself in the breeze that tugged at her skirt and filled her lungs. To forget the Pythonos, to even forget her sick mother.
She plucked a flower from the ground, the only splash of color in the sea of waving grasses.
She hadn’t seen a flower in a long time. Absentmindedly tracing a violet petal, she marveled at the beauty that still existed even now in this dark world.
Every distinct vein of life within the leaves was a sharp contrast with her heart, which felt cold and dead and void. Tucking her head behind her ear, she pictured her own reflection, and bit her lip. She never felt beautiful anymore. She was a shell of a being, a creature who knew nothing but hunger and poverty. At least, that’s what the Pythonos screamed in her ears all day, every day, that she was ugly, worthless, useless, a disgrace.
Sef wasn’t sure what she believed anymore.
At one time, Sef could remember believing in a god who created the world, a god who loved her and who created her…
She clutched the flower to her chest, closing her eyes.
What god would allow the Pythonos to take over, what god would allow her life to be turned upside-down like this?
Even her mother’s strong faith had shattered.
They never prayed before meals anymore…they never spoke of the Great One, never read the Word anymore.
And the thing that bothered Sef the most, was that she was just fine with that.
***
Neveah opened her eyes to a blurred figure standing over her. Wincing against the bright light, she tried to focus, but the room morphed into a swirling blur of colors and light that she could only begin to grasp at. Bile seared the edges of her throat.“What is it?” she sighed, blinking hard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Sef took a step backwards. “I just wanted to leave this here for you,” she held out a single violet.
“It’s pretty,” Neveah closed her eyes as beads of sweat formed on her brow, trying desperately to keep the nausea at bay.
“Mani?” Sef asked hesitantly. “Are you alright?”
Neveah let out another sigh. “I’m fine.”
She shoved every lingering thought out of her mind. She was fine. It was just a migraine. Nothing was wrong. She was fine.
She wanted to retreat deep within herself…to sleep, the only escape from the cursed migraines. The light….even with her eyes closed, the tendrils of light prodded her sensitive eyes, making her want to scream.
“Please, just-” she flinched at the loudness of her own voice, “just close the curtains. I need to sleep.”
She felt Sef’s lips brush against her forehead, and then her eyes fluttered closed.
I’m not looking for a detailed critique as much as just trying to see if you think it has potential as a first chapter or if you liked it the way I had before. Just general thoughts I guess lol
Again, it’s not really edited so I will be going over it again to make it flow better. I just had to get it all out on the page because I haven’t written in a while lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333OH and I need some chapter title ideas for this section as well!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I like this. It has good potential as a start. I think it really gets the reader into the plot. It’ll hook a lot more people.
I say keep it
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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