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Thanks!!!! (:
I like being a sneaky time-traveller. (Huh, apparently we Canadians spell this word with two ‘l’s. Good to know.)
Ohhh that’s interesting!!!
Since I’ll be leaving KP for a bit, I won’t be asking for any more critiques but I’ll leave you the link in case you or anyone else wants to read it for funzies. XD
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
https://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Bwahahaha you guys aren’t going to believe what just happened
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
SARA ACTUALLY WROTE FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
ISN’T THAT CRAZY?!?!
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Anyone want to critique this??? I edited the prologue…AGAIN…bwahahaha
I feel too guilty to tag people (idk why…that’s just me) but I’m still going to tag some people…lol
@rae @jonas (not sure if you are still on here a lot but I’m ALIVE in case you were wonderingg!) @highscribeofaetherium @thearcaneaxiom (not sure if you’re still here either but…) @raxforge (I know we like just met but I’m still going to randomly tag you….XD because why not? If you don’t want to give critiques that’s totally fineee) @whalekeeper @ellette-giselle @grcr (HI JULIAAA I’M BACK!) @theducktator @theshadow (anyone-else-I-forgot)Prologue
Rolling clouds blotted out any sight of the twin moons, and tendrils of fog floated in on a frigid breeze, curling up and around the only two lone figures in the street.
Had a man been so unfortunate as to look out upon the street through the frosty panes as the two walked by, the sight would have turned his blood to ice.
Their faces were concealed with dark hoods and obscured by the mist, heavy cloaks fluttering behind them as they moved, lithe and silent, along the dimly lit streets. Yet every step was marked with purpose, with determination, and—all the more terrifying—desperation.
Sevyrn held the small bundle against her chest, shielding the young child from the bitter cold, holding him as if she held him just a little tighter, she was grasping his very soul, binding him to this world for a moment longer.
Panic laced every thought, bled into every movement.
What if they couldn’t make it in time?
What if the cold sapped the life from her son’s very bones?
What if they were turned away?
What if, what if-
Straining again to hear the sound of his shallow breathing, Sevryn placed her ear a little closer to his chest, but to no avail. Every wisp of a breath, every trace of life was swept away by the wind’s mournful cries.
Her husband Kaden walked at a brisk pace next to her, but she couldn’t look at him, couldn’t think, couldn’t speak…
Not when everything was so terribly wrong, not when her only son, her firstborn, was thin and frail and weak, frighteningly light and stiff as a plank in her arms.
I can’t lose him.
Please, she sent a prayer up to the heavens above, hoping that someone, anyone, would hear her.
Are You even there? She tried to hear the familiar whispering that used to quiet her soul.
But she hardly heard Him at all anymore.
And that terrified her, somehow even more than the still form in her arms…the absence of Someone that she had never experienced before. A gaping void that had once been filled with love and light and joy, but now was so horribly empty.
The sensation made her want to scream, cry out in agony…
She shuddered, though this time it wasn’t from the cold.
Only two days ago, life had been so different…she blinked back the sudden wetness in her eyes as the scene played over and over again in her mind’s eye, no matter how she was screaming inside to make it stop.
The house was quiet…too quiet.
She should have checked on him earlier, should have known, should have-
But it was too late.
Her Lilitu, her precious child, her sweet boy, lay on his back in his crib, every limb shaking with the slightest of tremors. His eyes, his slate gray eyes that she never grew tired of staring into, her eyes that used to dance with laughter as he brought her flowers or made up songs or toddled into the kitchen to ask for another cookie, were now completely jet black, like a reptile’s. They stared at her, but he was not looking at her, but through her.
And her own screams replayed in her mind, screaming for her husband, for her son, from the sudden terror that jolted throughout every nerve over and over again….
Kaden had tried to be rational, to calm her down and make her wait, telling her that it was an illness that would pass, but even as his words were reassuring her, speaking peace over her heart, and as much as she wanted to believe him, his eyes told a different story.
Because what illness could cause Lilitu’s eyes to become like a snakes, unblinking and horrifying like bottomless pools of dark waters?
A day passed, and Lilitu was no longer trembling, but seizing, convulsing, screaming things in a tongue that grated Sevyrn’s ears, and in between fits, any sign of life was undetectable, save for a faint breath that could easily be mistaken for a breeze or drowned out by the sound of her own.
Finally she could wait no longer, and neither could Kaden.
They had waited for cover of darkness, when all of Lir was asleep, before daring to venture to the Estrello district where they might find a doctor.
But Sevyrn couldn’t escape the fear, the all consuming terror that even a doctor’s best efforts might be in vain.
The faint memory of Lilitu’s laughter echoed in her ears, fueling her determination. She would not rest until she had Lilitu back, Lilitu as he was, and nothing less.
No, even now Sevyrn would not give up. With one arm, she drew her cloak more snugly about her narrow shoulders.
Her son would live. She gritted her teeth. He would.
Kaden held the lantern higher, straining to see through the haze that blanketed the town.
“Not much farther now,” he muttered, more for himself than for Sevyrn. Just a few blocks more…a few blocks until they found answers, answers that could bring hope…hope or devestation.
That is, if they weren’t turned down at the door.
He knew well what his son was, what he and Sevyrn were as well.
They were Paynes, half-breeds, not associated with by any doctor, and certainly not an Estrello.
But he had to try.
If Lilitu died…he banished that thought from his mind, instantly. He couldn’t afford to even think of that.
Please save my son, he tried to pray, but instead of peace, all he felt was anger.
How long will You stay silent? He wondered, shaking his head, indignant. Can’t You see that we’re falling apart?
And the nagging question that Kaden never could quite escape, that haunted every breath reared its ugly head once again.
What kind of God would allow this to happen?
Kratos awoke to his wife shaking him awake.
“What is it?” he mumbled tiredly.
“It’s those cursed Paynes,” Odessa muttered, anger flashing in her violet eyes.
“Send them away,” Kratos snapped, turning over in bed, as if that was the end of it.
Odessa shook her head, throwing up her hands in exasperation. “What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the last twenty minutes? They simply won’t leave!” she paused. “It’s their son.”
Kratos sat up, sighing deeply and summoning a beam of light from the stars to illuminate the room, light pouring from his hands like a river as he slipped out of bed, throwing on a robe and scratching at his gray beard, willing his eyes to stay open.
Though he was a doctor, and well accustomed to late-night calls, they never seemed to get any easier.
Padding to the front door, he shuddered at the cold draft that nipped at his bulbous nose, and by some power that was beyond him, he forced his feet to keep moving, closer to the door.
Even before he saw them, he smelled it, and almost choked.
“Haven’t they heard of a bath?” he whispered, trying not to breathe the air through his nose. However, the idea of the foul odor traveling through his mouth almost made him gag.
Bracing himself, he opened the door.
Two Paynes stood before him- a man and a woman.
The woman’s azure hair spilled out from under her hood like a river, and the light illuminated her blue skin. Wide-eyed and wary, she eyed Kratos’ glowing hands with suspicion.
Kratos frowned. An Aquino. It was a pity she’d married a human…she could have been one of the most upstanding in society…but no.
She’d thrown it all away for love.
“What do you want?” Kratos said tersely, taking shallow breaths—anything to avoid the smell. The Paynes were too poor to waste precious time or meager savings on personal hygiene, Kratos noted with disgust.
If they’re too poor to take care of themselves, then why have they come to me? Kratos almost laughed at their stupidity. Everyone knew his services were not free, far from it—Kratos was well known for extortion and using the misfortunes of others for his profit.
“It’s our son,” the man said.
A look of disgust was etched into the lines on Kratos’s face as the woman held a small child out to him, hesitantly, as if she didn’t want to let him go.
“Well, I don’t have all night! Hand him over,” Kratos snatched the child from his mother’s arms, and she glared at him.
He surveyed the child’s still form, calling more light down from the stars to shine on his face. The child looked about four or five years of age, but his form was so emaciated that he was much lighter and smaller than he should have been.
Why have children if you’re going to starve them to death? Kratos shook his head in indignation.
Kratos felt an odd chill at the boy’s unblinking eyes—the way they seemed to stare right through him, and he tore his own eyes away as nausea crept up his body.
He knew that glazed expression; he would recognize it anywhere. He shuddered.
“Well?” the Payne demanded, noting Kratos’s reaction and drawing his wife closer to him.
“He has Dierdre’s Curse,” Kratos bit his lip as he handed the child back to its mother, brushing his hands off on his robe in disgust. “You might as well take him home and make him comfortable, as I’m not about to waste my time trying to revive a Payne. He’s too far gone to waste any treatment on him.” he shrugged. “I don’t suspect he’ll last until morning.”
The woman gasped, horror clouding her eyes, and flinching as if she’d been struck.
“No!” she wailed.
“Curse you, Kratos!” the man hissed, reaching out as if to grab Kratos by the throat. But Kratos was quicker. In mere seconds, he sent a surge of light directly into the man’s eyes.
The man collapsed to the ground, clutching his face and writhing in agony.
“There’s nothing I can do,” Kratos tilted his head to the side and shrugging.
The man spat at Kratos’ feet, recovering and pulling himself to his feet, protectively gripping his wife by the shoulder and stalking away into the night. Kratos curled his lip in disgust as he watched the two depart.
“Good riddance,” he muttered under his breath.
***
Kaden pulled Sevyrn close to him, feeling each shuddering sob against his body.
He felt like joining her—weeping for their firstborn son, their precious Lilitu, who would never reach manhood.
But he had to be strong.
Be strong for both of them.
Sevyrn held Lilitu in her arms, cradling him gently as her hysterical tears rained upon his pale face.
“What are we going to do?”
What were they going to do? Kaden buried his head in his hands, the unanswered question pulsating in his mind.
“We will not give up.” The words sounded pathetic, cliche, and weak, but it was all he could think to say…
Because he would never give up.
No matter the cost.
“Where will we go?” Sevyrn asked, looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child.
Her question rang out into the night, and for the first time in his life, Kaden was at a loss for words.
He looked at his child, his vision blurred with forming tears.
The boy was still breathing.
Kaden clung to that hope. Every breath whispered that his son was still alive….maybe Kratos was wrong…but he knew it was futile.
Deep in his bones, he knew Kratos was right. It would be a miracle if his son lived to see the sunrise.
Please, Father, save my son, he begged, referring to the Great One in the human tongue.
But in his heart, he felt nothing but bitterness. The Great One wasn’t going to do anything. He’d watched as the Paynes struggled to survive, watched the Pythonos grow in numbers, and He’d done nothing.
So why did Kaden feel obligated to ask the Great One for help?
He scoffed. Stop playing games with me. Stop being cruel!
He fed his grief to the monstrous anger inside of him to divert him from the pain.
Anything to keep from hurting.
Kratos. The name alone filled Kaden with so much hate that he thought he might explode.
And yet…a part of him knew that there was no one to blame but himself.
He watched Sevyrn pull moisture from the air and cover their son in a blanket of raindrops, a futile effort to reduce his fever, her blue skin haloed by an ethereal glow as the power surged through her.
Kaden clenched his fists. Sevyrn would have been better off if she had never met him.
He was a mere human—shunned and hated by many. Sevyrn knew the day that they married that if they had children someday, that the child would be a Payne, the mixing of the two races-Andromedan and Human.
“I don’t care about that, Kaden,” she’d whispered to him, taking his face in her hands and kissing him. Maybe it was the feeling of her lips on his, the passion and desire that swept him away and clouded his mind that made him forget…or maybe it was her words to follow that erased every rational thought: “I love you, Kaden. I don’t care what they say, what they call me. I want you, you and no one else.”
He had married her, throwing caution to the wind, and for many years, they lived happily. They were young, in love, and for a time it seemed that being Paynes wasn’t so horrible.
But that was before the Pythonos had overrun Lir, making threats against the Paynes and taking over the workplace, oppressing them and forcing them to work for less than half of a decent wage.
That was before their world had turned upside-down, before the name Payne became more than a disgrace and became a condemnation.
It was his own fault that he could not save his son, for in the eyes of the Andromedans, his human blood had defiled Sevyrn forever.
Why? He wanted to scream at her. Why did you choose me? Why me when you could have had everything you wanted? Because of me, our son is going to die!
He was tired of feeling so small, so insignificant, so helpless.
Maybe it was time to feel powerful for a change.
Maybe it was time to finally accept the truth—
The Great One didn’t care about them.
He never had. He never would.
Maybe it was finally time to cut ties to the God who had done nothing for him.
Breathing deeply, Kaden closed his eyes to shut out the spinning world.
Was he really considering this?
How could he even think of going to them for help?
But there was nothing else he could do.
This was the only option.
His thoughts spun faster and faster, warring within him until he could take it no longer.
Something inside him snapped.
“We’re going to someone who will actually help us, Sevyrn,” he finally said, his voice firm and resolute. He turned away, his hands balled up at his sides, trembling with anger. “We’ve prayed. We’ve waited for the Great One to deliver us, but where has that gotten us?” he shook his head, beginning to pace. “I’m tired of waiting for Him to do something. No, it’s time to take matters into our own hands.”
“You mean-” Sevyrn looked up, eyes wide.
“Yes, Sevyrn. We’re going to join the Master. The Pythonos.”
***
“What is it you asssk?”
The man on the throne had a certain presence about him that Kaden couldn’t place. But whatever it was, Kaden knew that the man—no, somehow he was more than a mere man— was far more powerful than his mind could ever comprehend.
His knees shook. His mind wanted more, but his flesh quaked with fear.
Yet something about this room, the presence itself, felt like home.
You belong here.
The voice in his mind was not his own.
Kaden quickly glanced behind him, feeling sure that something was watching him, feeling sure that someone had spoken the words aloud.
Yet no one was there.
Finish it.
The voice in his head was compelling, and before he knew what he was saying, the words tumbled out from between his lips.
“We’ve come to seek your help,” he bowed his head. “Our son is very sick, and we were turned away when we came to Kratos, the doctor.”
“How tragic,” the Pythonos mused, his cold eyes resting on Kaden. The hair on his neck stood up. The Pythonos’ forked tongue flicked in and out between his pale lips, and the sight was so unnerving that Kaden’s resolve nearly crumbled. But the Pythonos’ voice rooted his feet to the ground as he spoke again. “What do you suggessst I do?”
Sevyrn spoke up, chin lifted in defiance. “We will join your ranks, if you will cast a spell of protection over our son, and heal him of the sickness.”
The Pythonos laughed, and Kaden had the sudden urge to grab Sevyrn and run as far away as he could. But he stood his ground.
“Getting right to the demandsss are we?” he raised an eyebrow. Sevyrn didn’t so much as flinch, but stared the Pythonos in the eyes, waiting. “I think that can be arranged,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “For a price.”
“I’ll do anything,” Sevyrn said, firmly.
Kaden didn’t like this. He didn’t like the Pythonos, didn’t like the stone walls that seemed to close in around him, and he certainly didn’t like the seven headed dragon that was chained in the far corner.
And then an image flashed before his eyes, if only for a brief moment—Lilitu, smiling, laughing, running, jumping…
A harsh contrast to the creature he had become.
As Kaden looked at his son, his firstborn, the stone walls and the Pythonos and even the dragon faded away.
“What-what do you want?” Kaden swallowed hard, refusing to cower.
“It’sss just a trifle, really.” he paused, narrowing his eyes. “Join me. I will make you my right hand man, and give you everything you could ever want, in exchange for your fealty. You mussst take an oath to ssserve me until death.”
You could be powerful, the voice was a mere whisper, but it had never been clearer.
Already Kaden felt his will crumbling. Finally, he could have a chance to provide for Sevyrn. They could be happy.
No more oppression.
No more poverty.
No more empty stomachs, no empty pockets and no more parched throats.
For the first time in his life, Kaden was presented with an opportunity to call the shots.
You could be powerful.
“I’ll do it,” Kaden heard himself saying.
The Pythonos looked to Sevyrn.
“I will as well.”
“Then we have come to an agreement,” a sinister grin made his face all the more terrifying, but Kaden couldn’t turn back now. “Let the ceremony begin.”
***
“Do you ssswear to ssserve the Massster, as long as you shall live?” a hooded Pythonos held a twisted blade out to Kaden. The room was lit with torches, ominous shadows flickering against the cold stone walls.
Kaden took a breath, and looked at Sevyrn. Though her eyes were filled with misgivings, she glanced at her son in her arms, and nodded, resolute.
“I do,” Kaden bowed his head, taking the knife. He stepped past the Pythonos and approached the large throne. Something about the Master filled his very bones with a fear that made him want to claw at the walls that imprisoned him, searching for a way of escape. But he stayed his fears and held his arms up before the throne. In his peripheral, he saw Sevyrn do the same, placing her son into the Pythonos’s waiting arms.
With shaking hands, he dug the blade into the tender flesh of his palm, wincing as it laid open the skin.
“I give myself to you, my lord.” He and his wife’s voices blended together, filling the chilling silence.
He let the blood fall on the stone at his Master’s feet, and then it was over. He was one of them now.
“I name you Jraldath Farripper, my second in command, and your wife, Selena Farripper.”
A sudden euphoria took over Jraldath, his heart racing. He was a Pythonos.
“I am looking forward to you and your wife joining my ranksss,” the Master hissed, nodding as Jraldath bowed at his feet. “I have big plansss for you, young one,” he laughed, the sound filling the room.
But Jraldath scarcely noticed.
“Yesss, Massster,” he nodded, his voice now indistinguishable from the rest of them.
***
Jraldath eyed his son with contempt.
“He’sss an ugly one,” he remarked, shrugging and, looking into Selena’s eyes.
Had her eyes always been that color? He wondered. They were completely black, like endless voids staring right through him. Her hair, once a shining azure, was fading to a dull gray, and her skin was strikingly pale when it had been a bright blue a mere two hours ago.
It had been hardly a full hour since they had sworn fealty to the Master, and Jraldath could scarcely remember why they had joined, and neither could he remember what life was like without serving his Master.
“Mani!” Lilitu held out a wilted flower, his gray eyes restored and the child he once was, replaced.
The Master had followed through with his promise, healing his son and restoring him with a mere wave of his hand.
But as far as Jraldath was concerned, his son was even of less worth to him now.
Selena’s lip curled as she glared at the child—no, he wasn’t even fit to be called a child.
She bent down and struck her son across the face, so hard that he tumbled to the ground.
For the first time, fear flashed in Lilitu’s eyes, tears welling up.
“Don’t ssstart crying,” Selena hissed. “Or I’ll ssslap you again, brat. Get out of my sssight.”
Lilitu pressed a hand to his cheek, looking up at his mother, bewildered, as if he couldn’t process what had just happened.
“I’m s-sorry—”
Selena didn’t let him finish.
She kicked him in the ribs, and he screamed, curling into himself.
Jraldath didn’t blame her. As far as he was concerned, the child was a nuisance and wasn’t even fit to live.
His son was useless…and he had no wish to keep him.
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Much better then the first one!!! I like it so much!!
I’m always rewriting my prologues too. Just something about beginnings ya know.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Omc really?!?! That makes me so happy <3 thank you for reading it, it means a lot to me!
I agree, the beginning HAS to be perfect!!! hahahah I’m such a perfectionist!
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
Yep, I’m still here lol! Good to hear from you.
only two lone figures in the street.
You don’t need “only” and “lone”. I would probably keep “lone”. That one sounds better to me.
Yet every step was marked with purpose, with determination, and—all the more terrifying—desperation.
I’m gonna be a real stickler here, but I don’t think you need “yet”. “Yet” implies that the following sentence is in contrast to the proceeding one, but it’s not really. I think you can cut “yet” without hurting the rest of the sentence.
Sevyrn held the small bundle against her chest, shielding the young child from the bitter cold, holding him as if she held him just a little tighter, she was grasping his very soul, binding him to this world for a moment longer.
You’ve got variations of the same word three times in this sentence, two of them within the same clause. I think you could just cut “she held him just a little tighter” and make it “holding him as if she was grasping his very soul”. You could also replace “holding” with “clinging to” or something like that. That last part is a really good line btw!
Only two days ago, life had been so different…she blinked back the sudden wetness in her eyes as the scene played over and over again in her mind’s eye, no matter how she was screaming inside to make it stop.
The house was quiet…too quiet.
She should have checked on him earlier, should have known, should have-
But it was too late.
Her Lilitu, her precious child, her sweet boy, lay on his back in his crib, every limb shaking with the slightest of tremors. His eyes, his slate gray eyes that she never grew tired of staring into, her eyes that used to dance with laughter as he brought her flowers or made up songs or toddled into the kitchen to ask for another cookie, were now completely jet black, like a reptile’s. They stared at her, but he was not looking at her, but through her.
And her own screams replayed in her mind, screaming for her husband, for her son, from the sudden terror that jolted throughout every nerve over and over again….
Kaden had tried to be rational, to calm her down and make her wait, telling her that it was an illness that would pass, but even as his words were reassuring her, speaking peace over her heart, and as much as she wanted to believe him, his eyes told a different story.
Because what illness could cause Lilitu’s eyes to become like a snakes, unblinking and horrifying like bottomless pools of dark waters?
A day passed, and Lilitu was no longer trembling, but seizing, convulsing, screaming things in a tongue that grated Sevyrn’s ears, and in between fits, any sign of life was undetectable, save for a faint breath that could easily be mistaken for a breeze or drowned out by the sound of her own.
Finally she could wait no longer, and neither could Kaden.
They had waited for cover of darkness, when all of Lir was asleep, before daring to venture to the Estrello district where they might find a doctor.
Personally, I’m not sure if you need to tell us this at this point. So far, the way that you’ve built tension and interest by not revealing too much has been very effective. The information is also fairly guessable (at least from my perspective as someone who has read this several times), so for the most part it’s just confirming the answers the reader may have already guessed and killing some of their curiosity about what’s happening. The detail about the child’s eyes is disconcerting and raises more questions, but you could probably bring that detail up without this big expository paragraph.
They were Paynes, half-breeds, not associated with by any doctor, and certainly not an Estrello.
This is sort of implying that it’s only doctors who don’t associate with Paynes.
But Kratos was quicker. In mere seconds, he sent a surge of light directly into the man’s eyes.
I think you should find something other than “In mere seconds”. If it took him multiple seconds to do it, that’s actually not that fast. You might be able to just cut it out entirely, since you already told us he was faster in the previous sentence.
Please, Father, save my son, he begged, referring to the Great One in the human tongue.
Again, I’m going to be a stickler, but I don’t think you need that last clause. It sounds a bit awkward to me, and furthermore, at this point, the reader is not well enough acquainted with this world to even notice the two different terms.
“What-what do you want?” Kaden swallowed hard, refusing to cower.
“It’sss just a trifle, really.” he paused, narrowing his eyes. “Join me. I will make you my right hand man, and give you everything you could ever want, in exchange for your fealty. You mussst take an oath to ssserve me until death.”
I think I asked before why he insisted on this, and you said that it was to sweeten the deal for Kaden. Personally, I feel like you should show Kaden as having more hesitation if this is going to work. To me, it seems like they have already made up their minds to become Pythonos. Sure, they’re scared, but to me, it still doesn’t convey a sense that they might not go through with it.
Overall, I liked the changes. I do think it should go a bit further. The end felt a bit abrupt. I think that going up to Lilitu actually being abandoned like in previous drafts would be a bit better of an ending.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI think this is really good! You have some really nice prose.
The sensation made her want to scream, cry out in agony…
You don’t really need an ellipsis here. A period would work better.
“It’s those cursed Paynes,” Odessa muttered, anger flashing in her violet eyes.
This makes it sound like Kaden and Sevryn have tried to get help before, but when Kratos opens the door, he doesn’t recognize them, so I assume he hadn’t seen them before. If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have known who ‘those’ meant. Maybe try ‘some of those’?
“Where will we go?” Sevyrn asked, looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child.
This line is really good.
“We’ve come to seek your help,” he bowed his head. “Our son is very sick, and we were turned away when we came to Kratos, the doctor.”
Saying Kratos’ name here seems unnecessary. Do the Pythonos really care/need to know who the doctor was? It might flow better without it. I’m not sure, tho, it might be fine.
Other thank those things, I mostly agree with what Jonas pointed out. But overall, it’s very good.
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
Yay, another section! 😆 It looks good! I don’t have too much to say about, but I thought Jonas’s critiques were good.
INTP 🧡 Homeschooler 🧡 WIP: The Color of Hope
Oh my goodness you guys are so good!!!!
I actually have noticed a couple of the things you’ve said before but for some reason I forgot to change them… *facepalm* I’ll go fix them now before I forget again lol!
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
I think I asked before why he insisted on this, and you said that it was to sweeten the deal for Kaden. Personally, I feel like you should show Kaden as having more hesitation if this is going to work. To me, it seems like they have already made up their minds to become Pythonos. Sure, they’re scared, but to me, it still doesn’t convey a sense that they might not go through with it
Wait I’m confused….
The voices in Kaden’s head compel him to join even if he doesn’t want to at first, so Kaden really didn’t have that much of a resistance once he started listening to the voice in his head. They kind of already have made up their minds to become Pythonos, in a sense; if they hadn’t, they wouldn’t be there in the first place.
Idk, maybe I’m just confused on what you mean haha!
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
@highscribe
I think this is really good! You have some really nice prose.
Thank you so much!
I corrected the things you suggested and you’re right, I think it will flow a lot better! Thank you so much, you have been very helpful! <3
"Hair. Mouth. Cheese of yak. Come, Sintar, bRiNg a MeLoN."
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