NEW and IMPROVED WIP!!!!!

[Sara]

@highscribeofaetherium @ellette-giselle

Yeah…oops!

I fixed that in the platform I write on (it’s called Reedsy), thank you for catching that!

@ellette

The reason that I accidently changed that to Selena is because I changed that section a LOT. I just came up with the idea to have their names be changed recently, because when you turn to evil, you become a new person, just like Kaden and Sevryn.

@jonas

I’ll give you some feedback in a few days. We have a big party going on at our house tomorrow

Fun fun! No worries!

there’s a lot of changes from the original version that I would like to comment on.

OH NO WHAT ELSE IS WRONG WITH IT 😬

now I’m scared xD

jk jk I’m sure whatever you have to say will be very helpful, as always! 🤣🤣

But for now, I’ll just say, this is really good!

Thank you!!! I’ve had mixed feedback from various sources…so I don’t know what to think of this first scene. I personally am happy with it (obviously there’s ALWAYS room for improvement), because it’s my first real allegory that I *think* I incorporated fairly well…but I am also not sure it makes ANY sense whatsoever. So anyone’s feedback is most appreciated!!

The published author I have coaching me on writing Christian fantasy said that it makes sense and I did well with it, and my Mom freaked out and said I blew her mind 🤣 (not sure what that means but oh well), and my Dad said I had good descriptions (he says the same thing every time xD), but another writing coach (the same one that keeps giving me depressing advice) said I need to change it and implied he didn’t like it…I just feel like my writing can’t be good enough for him!! (he also doesn’t like fantasy at ALL and doesn’t understand why I like writing it, so I don’t think his advice is the best advice to take!)

Well that was long…sorry XD

Thanks for helping me!

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Ellette Giselle]

@savannah_grace2009

I think it has a really good start! I just can’t wait to see where it’s going.

Yeah, maybe take Puddleglum *clears throat* I mean, that other writing coach, with a grain of salt. Scratch that, maybe a pillar of salt. lol. However, I will say that there is something to be learned from everyone. So, try to see the gold in the sand on what he’s saying. It might be something about dialogue, or description, or something like that, and you’ll have to weed it out of a lot of other stuff that isn’t important. so, throw away the chaff but keep the grain. That’s what I’d say.

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Cloaked Mystery]

@savannah_grace2009

OH NO WHAT ELSE IS WRONG WITH IT 😬

now I’m scared xD

jk jk I’m sure whatever you have to say will be very helpful, as always! 🤣🤣

I have mostly positive things to say actually lol! The way I phrased that did sound a bit scary, sorry! 😅

🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books

[Sara]

@jonas

I have mostly positive things to say actually lol! The way I phrased that did sound a bit scary, sorry!

You’re good…I also tend to overthink a lot and assume the worst in situations 😂

I’m excited to hear your thoughts!

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Sara]

@ellette-giselle

Yeah, maybe take Puddleglum *clears throat* I mean, that other writing coach, with a grain of salt. Scratch that, maybe a pillar of salt. lol.

🤣

 However, I will say that there is something to be learned from everyone. So, try to see the gold in the sand on what he’s saying. It might be something about dialogue, or description, or something like that, and you’ll have to weed it out of a lot of other stuff that isn’t important. so, throw away the chaff but keep the grain. That’s what I’d say.

Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to do, and that’s also why I’m trying to get feedback from multiple sources to see if they see the same problems he does.

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Ellette Giselle]

@savannah_grace2009

Do you have any more besides the prologue written? I would love to read more and give some feedback?

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Sara]

@ellette-giselle

Yes, I do!  (I have about 36K words) However, I’m in the middle of a big  revision, so the chapters won’t really make sense. Though I do have the next chapter that I *think* should be done.

Chapter 1

Strong hands grabbed her shoulders, trying to rip her away.

But Sef wouldn’t let go.

Eyes scrunched shut, tears leaking from the corners, she clung to her father like he was the only thing keeping her life together.

In a way, he was.

And now he was leaving.

“Let go, Sef,” her mother said. The bitterness in her mother’s voice make Sef flinch, and her small fingers curled around the folds in her father’s shirt even tighter, begging him to stay. Stay.

Sef looked up, tears making her emerald eyes appear multifaceted.

“Pani,” she whimpered, “Don’t go, please!”

Her father wouldn’t meet her eyes. And in that instant she knew.

Her father didn’t love her.

He didn’t love her mother, either.

The four years of her life that she’d known him as her father, her pani….everything was a lie.

The realization numbed her emotions, and she stumbled back into her mother’s arms as the searing blade pierced her very soul.

And then her father was gone.

***

The silence closed in around her.

The vacant space next to her felt like a vacancy in her heart. A hole that could never be filled.

Because it was.

Never before had she felt so alone.

He left you.

He didn’t love you.

He promised. He promised to be your husband. To love and cherish you forever.

But he didn’t mean it.

Neveah curled into herself as sobs shook her small frame.

All she wanted was for Nico to slip his arms around her, whispering into her ear, I love you, I love you.

But now she knew it was all lies.

The tears fell faster. She pulled the blankets up to her chin. Tried not to notice how wrong the darkness felt without Nico’s soft breaths lulling her to sleep.

Trying to pray, she closed her eyes, but no words would come. She longed for the whisper of comfort, but all she felt was her aching heart.

I can’t do this on my own, her lips formed the inaudible words. Please help me…I don’t know what to do anymore!

“Mani?” the door opened a crack.

Neveah wiped her tears. She wouldn’t let Sef see her like this. She had to be strong.

“I’m scared,” Sef’s eyes were wide, her hair falling loose about her shoulders.

The bed shifted as Sef crawled in next to Neveah.

Sef.

She fought back a strangled sob. Sef was only four years old. No girl should have to grow up without her father.

What if I can’t raise her on my own?

 

Neveah turned to face her daughter. “Do you want to sleep here tonight?” She stroked her hair.

Sef nodded. “I miss Pani,” she sniffled.

“I miss him too,” Neveah’s breath caught in her throat as she turned to face the ceiling. “But we have each other….as long as we stick together, it’s going to be okay.”

She willed herself to believe those words, praying that Sef believed them too.

Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to imagine, just for a moment, that it was Nico’s hand in hers, that it was Nico laying next to her, instead of her daughter.

And then she slept.

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Sara]

I have one more chapter after this one that is ready for critiques, and then I have to continue working on revisions until it’s ready for more detailed critiques.

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Ellette Giselle]

Oooo, this is getting good. I’m not sure if there’s a lot of critique I can give, because again, it’s just getting itself off the ground, and it seems really smooth. (way smoother then my first chapter! I think you’re in your element writing fantasy!)

Of course, I would love to know more about these characters, what time period they live in, (or their culture emulates), who they are, why Nico left, where is the baby from the prologue, who are the two different groups here. I know you have hinted at it a little in the prologue, but I’d still like more back story and more info. I tend to be a little more like Tolkine in writing, as in, I have a backstory for everyone, and most of the time, %60 percent of the backstory never actually gets into the real story but you can feel it’s there. Ya-know. all that to say, i LOVE backstory and will probably keep nagging for it. lol.

(By the way, I love the names Nico and Kaden, and so far you have given them to two not so good characters. Grrrrrr. You had just not better do that to any of my pet names. lol) But I’m guessing all the above info will come as the story builds.

But yeah, I think it’s really smooth and you definitely got me intrigued and excited for the next part you want to share!!

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Ellette Giselle]

@savannah_grace2009

 

Oooo, this is getting good. I’m not sure if there’s a lot of critique I can give, because again, it’s just getting itself off the ground, and it seems really smooth. (way smoother then my first chapter! I think you’re in your element writing fantasy!)

Of course, I would love to know more about these characters, what time period they live in, (or their culture emulates), who they are, why Nico left, where is the baby from the prologue, who are the two different groups here. I know you have hinted at it a little in the prologue, but I’d still like more back story and more info. I tend to be a little more like Tolkine in writing, as in, I have a backstory for everyone, and most of the time, %60 percent of the backstory never actually gets into the real story but you can feel it’s there. Ya-know. all that to say, i LOVE backstory and will probably keep nagging for it. lol.

(By the way, I love the names Nico and Kaden, and so far you have given them to two not so good characters. Grrrrrr. You had just not better do that to any of my pet names. lol) But I’m guessing all the above info will come as the story builds.

But yeah, I think it’s really smooth and you definitely got me intrigued and excited for the next part you want to share!!

You said you have another chapter?…………… hint hint!

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Sara]

@ellette-giselle

why Nico left, where is the baby from the prologue, who are the two different groups here. I know you have hinted at it a little in the prologue, but I’d still like more back story and more info. I tend to be a little more like Tolkine in writing, as in, I have a backstory for everyone, and most of the time, %60 percent of the backstory never actually gets into the real story but you can feel it’s there. Ya-know. all that to say, i LOVE backstory and will probably keep nagging for it. lol.

I LOVE backstory too! However…I have a bad habit of info dumping backstory in the first chapter xD  so I tried not to do that! I think the intrigue is *hopefully* going to be what keeps the readers going…as well as love for the story!

As for why Nico left…would you like a spoiler?

As for the child….I’m posting the next chapter, don’t worry!! XD

 I’m not sure if there’s a lot of critique I can give, because again, it’s just getting itself off the ground, and it seems really smooth

Well that’s good! I have issues with first chapters…I’ve rewritten the beginning countless times (@jonas, @highscribeofaetherium @esther-c @grcr …you guys know!!! lol) but I think I’m FINALLY going to keep this one!!!

I think you’re in your element writing fantasy!

Thank you!!! That makes me super happy! I’ve always loved it, and loved writing it <3

 

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Sara]

@jonas sorry, I was going to wait for you to post the next ones….but since @ellette-giselle wants to look at the next one, and there shouldn’t be any more after this for a while, it shouldn’t be too panic inducing…lol

Chapter 2

Found

Cassian’s bare feet flew over the verdant carpet, effortlessly leaping over sticks and stones in his path.

In his small hands he held a branch, and he wielded it high as he pretended to gallop through the trees.

He was going to save his princess from the clutches of an evil king, before it was too late! He swung the blade back and forth, decapitating invisible warriors left and right. No, there was nothing that could stop him from rescuing a damsel in distress!

Finally he tired, and so he leaned against a tree to rest, digging some berries out of his pocket and cramming them into his mouth, wiping away the rich juice that spilled down his jaw.

He missed the days when his father would play castle with him. They would have tournaments and sword fights! His father even promised to make him wooden armor when they could find enough money.

But now money was tight, and Mani and Pani were always working. Cassian was always hungry, and he was much too thin for the ten year old boy he was.

His legs itched to run again, and so he got up and resumed his quest.

He approached the Farnbron Brook, and was about to find a good place to cross, when he saw a small discarded bundle along the water’s edge.

What could that be? He wondered. He hesitantly approached it, gripping the stick tightly in his hands as if to defend himself.

He knelt down beside it, and gasped, his eyes wider than saucers.

Somebody had left a child here! And he was sick!

Cassian lifted the child easily and looked around.

“Hello? Anybody? You left your child! Don’t you want him?” The echo of his small voice was his only reply.

There was no one.

Cassian didn’t know much about small children, but he knew that this one needed food and shelter, and it certainly couldn’t stay out here. What if the wolves came?

He tightened his grip on the boy and started towards home.

***

“Forgive me, my friend!” Azazel hefted the ax high and brought it down with a grunt. The metal blade sliced through the wood with a sickening thud.

Blood poured from the tree, and Azazel watched with eyes blurred with tears as the pulsing of the wood slowed to a stop.

He had killed an innocent tree. He had killed a messenger of the Great One.

“Oh, Great One, forgive me,” he knelt, placing a hand over the wood, his tears mixing with the tree’s blood. “I couldn’t watch my children starve one by one,” he shook his head, as if trying to justify his actions.

He closed his eyes as the guilt swept over him like a crashing wave.

“My child, you are forgiven,” A soothing voice echoed in his mind. He turned around and started as he saw a tree standing behind him. Her boughs were laden with ripe fruit, and her branches swayed gently in the breeze.

“But-”

“You are forgiven,” the tree whispered, and then she was gone.

Wiping away tears, Azazel began to chop the wood, focusing on the hope that he might earn enough agates to provide a meal for his family tonight.

“Pani!” a familiar voice drifted through the clearing. “Pani!”

“Cassian?” Azazel banished all trace of emotion from his voice. He had to put up the facade of being in control, at least for now.

Cassian was carefully tiptoeing around fallen trees, holding something wrapped in blankets.

“Shh, Pani, he’s sleeping,” Cassian put a finger to his lips.

“What did you find, Cass?” Azazel narrowed his eyes in alarm.

“It’s a boy!” Cass’s eyes were wide. “I found him by the Brook!” He held out the child to Azazel. “He’s sleeping,” he lowered his voice.

“You found him?” Azazel searched Cassian’s eyes, incredulous.

“Yes! We have to take him home, I couldn’t just leave him there! The wolves would get him!”

Azazel looked at the boy, and saw that he was a Payne, maybe about four or five. His cheekbones were sharp, and he was too light.

He was abandoned, he realized. His parents were likely too poor to take care of him. “He’s sick,” he realized, feeling an odd chill at the child’s unblinking eyes. “Let’s take him home and see if we can help him get better,” he smiled at Cass. “How would you like to have a new little brother?”

“Really, Pani?” Cassian jumped up and down with excitement. “Can I hold him?” he begged, “Please?” Azazel obliged him, and Cassian’s smile was so bright that Azazel didn’t have the heart to tell him that the child likely wouldn’t live much longer. “Are you sure his parents aren’t going to come looking for him?” Cass wanted to know.

Azazel sighed, shaking his head. “No, Cass. No one is going to look for him.”

Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333

[Ellette Giselle]

@savannah_grace2009

No!!! nononono!! No spoilers!!! Spoilers are not allowed. N.O. They are illegal!!!!

 

Yay!! Can’t wait for the next chapter.

 

However…I have a bad habit of info dumping backstory in the first chapter

Why does that sound so familiar…….. *looks over the last 20 first chapters I’ve written in the past year* Oh… that’s why. lol.

 

 

 

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Ellette Giselle]

@savannah_grace2009

 

Oooooo So, so good!! I LOVE the name Cassian!! Oh man, this is so good! I can already envision this going so, so good. Oh man, I love it!

Ok, the killing the tree thing was a little strange. Explanation please!!! But I guess we’ll get to that later.

Also, I would like to know a little more about this sickness. why is it dangerous? what is it? what causes it? what cures it, etc. etc. etc.

I love how you introduced Cassian’s character. I mean, man, I liked him from the firs paragraph.

Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God

[Cloaked Mystery]

@savannah_grace2009

lol, no problem! I should have plenty of time Monday morning.

However…I have a bad habit of info dumping backstory in the first chapter

I used to have that problem as well (seems to be a common plague, especially for fantasy writers), but now I kind of have the opposite problem: my style has shifted to be a very strict 3rd-person limited POV, which means all information has to come out very naturally and it takes me way too long to explain things.

🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books

[Author]

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