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you need people to believe in you, even if you can’t sometimes. I have low self-esteem sometimes and I need my mom to put me back on track. If we tell ourselves we are worth nothing, that’s going to have mental consequences later down the road.
Yes yes yes! That’s exactly what I was going for!
As someone who completely relates to Sef (like her mental struggle) I have thought multiple times of my “guy best friend” who always believed in me when I couldn’t.
Like, he’d always listen and tell me that I couldn’t think bad thoughts about myself because they were lies from the Devil! And when I’d say stuff like “I’m just trying to finish my stupid story” he’d look at me and say “it’s not stupid.”
I wasn’t saying that you should “believe in yourself” the way you believe in God. It’s self worth, like if you don’t believe you have worth or that you can do it, you need people to believe that you can or else you’ll spiral out of control.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I think I’m going to keep it the same for now, and then change it if I feel like it XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thank you for reading them!!!!!!!!!!!!! That means a lot <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok, that makes more sense. It just didn’t come across like that to me when I read it.
Maybe you could reword it, but yeah. I didn’t find the base concept cringe at all.
Yes, I would completely agree there.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@savannah_grace2009 @everyone else in this discussion
Sorry if I offended you. I didn’t mean it that way.
I don’t mind that the scene’s there, and I appreciate that it wasn’t graphic at all. I’ve seen worse. (do you know how GRAPHIC high school anatomy books–CHRISTIAN high school anatomy books–can be in the reproduction chapter??? UGH!) My brother and I have come up with some rather PG-13-rated stuff ourselves (although I refrain from anything remotely close to Sef’s mom’s incident).
I also agree that age ratings are REALLY skewed these days (and I’m willing to believe that the book you’re referring to is that bad. I hate it when that happens, it’s horrible).
I’m just saying that if I had picked up your fully written, published book and read it through, I might’ve felt a little iffy about the mention of a character’s mother getting straight-up assaulted by a drunken enemy, even off-screen, knowing that a 14-year-old wrote this for 14-year-olds.
I think the trigger warning was a really good idea. Personally, (you don’t have to take this advice, but it’s what I think about doing when I write stories with violence or dark concepts) I would put an actual trigger warning in the beginning of the book saying, “This story contains dark aspects such as torture and abuse [add whatever else happens in there too]. The darkness is there to show how the Light shines through, and it is not portrayed graphically.” or something like that, so someone isn’t jumpscared by such a concept appearing out of nowhere.
I don’t think you should’ve felt bad for posting the scene, and I’m sorry if I made you think that.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
No no no! You didn’t offend me! I just felt bad for posting it XD
And you’re good I wasn’t upset or offended at all…I just you know, felt bad, and I’m sorry if that scene made you uncomfortable :/
I’m just saying that if I had picked up your fully written, published book and read it through, I might’ve felt a little iffy about the mention of a character’s mother getting straight-up assaulted by a drunken enemy, even off-screen, knowing that a 14-year-old wrote this for 14-year-olds.
Ooof yeah…
so does that mean I should delete that?
I would put an actual trigger warning in the beginning of the book
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and I’m willing to sacrifice my plans and my novel for the sake of my readers.
Yeah that’s a good idea!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@savannah_grace2009 no, I don’t think you should delete it, per se, especially since it’s so important to the story, but it would be a good idea to clarify with a trigger warning in the beginning, like I said. Or have it happen long before the story starts or something.
I will admit something similar is in one of my WIPs, but I never make any mention of it besides the character admitting he “made a terrible decision, and the fallout is now catching up with him.”
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Yeah I’ll think about doing something like that.
Again, sorry if that scene made you uncomfortable (or anyone else!)! <3
And thanks for reading my stuff!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Chapter 12
A Law
The sight that greeted Lilitu was like a cold slap in the face.
In front of the church stood three Pythonos, each with a dark horse by their side.
Jraldath, Selena, and Rrath.
A chill went down Lilitu’s spine. Unfortunately, the trio’s reputation preceded them—and it was covered with the blood of innocent victims.
The bells had rung, the signal for everyone to meet in front of the church at the center of town. Normally they were rung for emergencies, or town gatherings.
Never in Lilitu’s wildest dreams would he have expected Pythonos.
“What are they doing here?” he looked up at Cassian. Cassian’s lips were pressed in a tight line, and his jaw was set. He looked down at Lilitu, shaking his head.
“I don’t know.”
Next to him, his brother Eloy was opening and closing his fists, his blue eyes cold and hard as ice.
“We have gathered you all here today,” Selena said, tossing her hood back, and defiantly looking over the crowd, “to essstablish a new law.”
Murmurs swept through the crowd.
A new law?
Anger swept over Lilitu. Didn’t they have enough laws already? Paynes were banned from almost all the other districts, save for Penokweop Square—the Pitt district, and Pleoffirthub Hills, the Aquino district. Paynes couldn’t get decent jobs, had a limit on how much food they could purchase, and the list of things they could and could not do went on and on.
Rrath raised himself to full height, the left corner of his mouth tilted upwards in a cold smile. “Every young child born a Payne, under the age of two, is the property of the Pythonos. You may either hand them over to usss, or we will take them by force. Pythonosss will be making routine checks every two monthsss.” At this, cries of outrage were shouted, obscenities were yelled, and cries of anguish echoed, all mingling together in quite the commotion.
If you notify us of anyone who keepsss their child and hidesss them, and turn them in to the Pythonosss, you will receive two hundred sapphiresss,” Jraldath added, raising his voice to be heard above the protests of the crowd. Two hundred sapphires? Lilitu felt his blood go cold as he saw greed flash in the eyes of the Paynes around him. He could hardly think of a single person who would turn down two hundred sapphires. Two hundred sapphires alone could feed a family for almost four months, an impossible offer to turn down.
“This law will become effective in one week,” Selena said. “Good day.”
Lilitu wanted to laugh. Good day? How could it be a good day when the Pythonos were going to steal the little children? Good day? Far from it. He shook his head in disgust.
The threesome mounted their horses and galloped away, leaving the Paynes stunned and horrified.
“I will never give up my children!”
“Mani, I’m scared!”
“The Great One help us all.”
Lilitu glanced around, with a look of horror.
This can’t be real.
They can’t do this…can they?
And everyone was thinking the same question-
What was to be done?
***
Time seemed to stand still at the Pythonos’ proclamation.No.
Sef didn’t even know she was shaking, didn’t know she was crying until she felt arms around her, pulling her close.
She leaned into the embrace, letting herself believe, for the briefest of moments, that it was her father that had come back for her, to hold her so tightly that everything would be alright.
But when she looked up, it wasn’t her father.
It was Cassian.
He said nothing, but the compassion in his eyes made more tears slip out of her eyes.
It was like…like he knew everything.
She closed her eyes.
Will it ever end?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Do you have any other thoughts on the chapters you’ve read?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333hey, I know you read the first couple chapters! I’d love to hear your thoughts/critiques on the recent chapters if you have any! But if you’re busy I totally get it, summer can be soooo hectic!
Instead of digging through all these posts, you can use this link to view the whole novel (what I’ve revised so far)
https://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Interesting plot turn! Looks like Sef and her mom are gonna have a forbidden child…… Interesting. I don’t have much to say yet. I would like to see how some of this starts panning out. I’m definitely intrigued enough to keep reading!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Chapter 13
Decay
“Sssef! I’m not paying you to ssstand there doing nothing,” the Pythonos’s voice carried, snapping her back to attention.
“Yes sir,” she lowered her head, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment as her fellow workers all looked up from their work.
Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she turned back to the pile of trash. If she met the quota for the day, she could make enough agates to feed her mahnith.
Sef’s stomach growled as she dug her aching hands into the pile, sorting plastics and wood from scrap metal. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had three meals a day. She hardly ever ate anymore. All the food went to her mother, who was now almost nine months along. Of course, Sef never let her mahnith know that she wasn’t eating. If she did, then her mahnith wouldn’t except the extra food, and Sef couldn’t lose her mahnith.
One day at a time.
Every day she relied on those words to get her through the day, and even that was hardly enough to force herself to get out of bed every morning.
It felt like all the weight she’d been carrying alone for the past seven months was finally taking it’s toll.
Love filled her heart for her mani and unborn sibling, and for the Great One, but most days she was so tired she could hardly think straight.
How long can I go on like this?
But Sef already knew the answer.
As long as I have to.
***
Lilitu watched Sef, concerned.
The light had gone from her eyes, and he never saw her smile anymore.
He tried to convince himself that it was just his imagination, but he knew her too well.
Something was wrong.
But whenever he tried to talk alone with her, she’d put up a wall…and when Sef put up a wall, it was more impenetrable than any stronghold.
“Stop staring before he calls you out too,” Eloy smacked his arm, making Lilitu jump.
Reluctantly, he tore his eyes from Sef, and focused on his work, a blush creeping into his cheeks.
Eloy snickered.
“Shut. Up.”
“She’s looking this way!” Eloy whispered in his ear.
“She is?!” Lilitu frantically looked up, disappointed to see that Sef was not, in fact, looking in his direction. Rather, she was focused on work, something that Lilitu should be focusing on right now. He glared at Eloy, punching him in the shoulder.
Eloy laughed. “You’re adorable.”
***
Sef opened her eyes to the sound of the bells.
Dread settled in her stomach like a cold stone.
The Pythonos were back.
Everyone gathered in the town square.
The uneasiness was contagious.
Sef edged closer to Neveah, protectively, staring down the Pythonos as if daring them to so much as lay a hand on her mother.
Jraldath, Selena, and Rrath stood at the front.
“It has come to our attention that several of you have not been abiding by the lawsss,” Selena said, her serpentine eyes sweeping over the crowd.
Sef glared at her. She hated Selena with everything in her. She hated all of them.
“At thisss very moment, patrols are going door to door in sssearch of anyone illegally harboring our property.”
Since when is a child their property?
This is madness.
“If we find anyone, or anything, ressst asssured they will be punished,” Rrath assured them.
Neveah flinched, as if the mere sound of Rrath’s voice brought back the memory of unspeakable horrors.
Sef squeezed her mother’s hand.
I’m here.
Murmurs swept through the crowd, and Sef could feel the fear radiating from every Payne as if it were a torrent, carrying them all faster and faster to the edge of falling apart.
And then everything was silent….deadly silent, as if the whole world was watching-waiting…
A scream split the world in two.
It was the anguished cry of a mother being torn from her child.
And there was nothing anyone could do…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thanks so much for tagging me!! Sorry I haven’t been keeping up, summer has been a little crazy XD. Thank you for the link to the chapters too, that’s so nice! I’ll try to catch up as soon as possible.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
You’re good!!!! Haha thanks for wanting to read it!!!
@everyone
Thanks for reading this because it keeps me from slacking off when people are expecting new chapters XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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