- This topic has 59 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 8 hours, 51 minutes ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’m not going to tag anyone because that would be super annoying to be tagged TWICE!
BUT! Here is my new and improved novel…
I shall post the first chapter (it’s actually a prologue but whatever).
Feel free to contrast this with the first page of the old cringy page for my WIP and see the IMPROVEMENT! OH MY GOODNESS!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Prologue
It was a dark night-clouds moving from the west blotted out any light from the twin moons, and tendrils of fog curled around the two lone figures drifting through the streets of Lir.
Sevyrn held the small bundle against her chest, shielding the young child from the bitter cold. She strained to hear the sound of his shallow breathing, but nothing could be heard above the wind’s mournful cries. She tried to ignore how still her son was in her arms, how weak and frail he was. Instead, she focused on placing one foot in front of the other, towards help.
Please, she sent a prayer up to the heavens above, hoping that someone, anyone, would hear her.
Are you even there? She tried to hear the familiar whispering that used to quiet her soul.
But she hardly heard Him at all anymore.
They first noticed something was wrong the morning before, when the child refused to eat. He lay on his back in his crib, unblinking eyes staring at the ceiling, his small body racked with chills and his skin damp with sweat.
Sevyrn had waited, hoping it was just an illness that would pass, but the child grew progressively worse.
They had waited for cover of darkness, when all of Lir was asleep, before daring to venture to the Estrello district where they might find a doctor.
Sevyrn’s pulse beat wildly in her ears. What if they were refused help? Paynes were hated by the people, despised and treated like dogs. It would be a miracle if even one willing doctor in this great city would be willing to serve a Payne for a fair price.
But Sevyrn would not give up. With one arm, she drew her cloak more snugly about her narrow shoulders.
Her son would live. She gritted her teeth. He would.
Kaden held the lantern higher, straining to see through the mist that blanketed the town.
“Not much farther now,” he said, more for himself than for Sevyrn. Just a few blocks more…and their son could have a significantly higher chance of survival. That is, if they weren’t turned away at the door.
If his son died…he banished that thought from his mind, instantly. He couldn’t afford to even think of that.
Please save my son, he tried to pray, but instead of peace, all he felt was anger.
How long will You stay silent? He wondered, shaking his head. Can’t You see that we’re falling apart?
The two trudged on in silence, nerves frayed too thin to formulate their thoughts into words.
***
Kratos awoke to his wife shaking him awake.
“What is it?”
“It’s those cursed Paynes,” Odessa muttered, anger flashing in her violet eyes.
“Send them away,” Kratos mumbled, turning over in bed.
Odessa shook her head. “What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the last twenty minutes? They simply won’t leave!” she paused. “It’s their son.”
Kratos sat up, giving a great sigh, summoning a beam of light from the stars to illuminate the room, light pouring from his hands like a river. He slipped out of bed and padded to the front door, shivering against the draft.
Even before he opened the door, he smelled it, and almost choked.
“Haven’t they heard of a bath?” he whispered, trying not to breathe the air through his nose. However, the idea of the foul odor traveling through his mouth almost made him gag. Bracing himself, he opened the door.
Two Paynes stood before him- a man and a woman.
The woman’s azure hair spilled down like a river, and the light illuminated her blue skin. Her eyes looked warily at Kratos’ glowing hands.
Kratos frowned. An Aquino. It was a pity she’d married a human…she could have been one of the most upstanding in society…but no. She’d thrown it all away for love.
“What do you want?” Kratos said tersely, trying to breathe through the stench.
“It’s our son,” the man said.
A look of disgust was written on Kratos’s face as the woman held a small child out to him, hesitantly, as if she didn’t want to let him go
“Well, I don’t have all night! Hand him over,” Kratos snatched the child from his mother’s arms, ignoring the fear in her eyes.
He surveyed the child’s still form, calling more light to shine on his face. The child looked about four or five years of age, but his form was so emaciated that he was much lighter and smaller than he should have been.
Every breath came in rasps, and the boy’s face was flushed, his eyes unnervingly staring at Kratos, as if looking right through him.
Kratos felt dread settle over him when he realized what disease the child had.
“Well?” the Payne demanded, drawing the woman closer to him.
“He has Dierdre’s Curse,” Kratos handed the child back to its mother. “You might as well take him home and make him comfortable, as I’m not about to waste my time trying to revive a Payne. He’s too far gone to waste any treatment on him.” he fought back a smirk at the horror that came into the woman’s eyes. “I don’t suspect he’ll last until morning.”
“Curse you, Kratos!” the man hissed, reaching out as if to grab Kratos by the throat. But Kratos only laughed, sending a surge of light directly into the man’s eyes.
The man collapsed to the ground, clutching his face and crying out in anger and pain, as his wife let out a cry, covering her mouth with shaking hands.
The Payne sprang to his feet, gripping the door frame for balance, every inch of his face filled with loathing.
“There’s nothing I can do,” Kratos said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
The man spat at Kratos’ feet, and grabbed his wife by the shoulder, stalking away into the night. Kratos curled his lip in disgust as he watched the two depart.
“Good riddance,” he muttered under his breath.
***
Kaden pulled Sevyrn close to him, feeling her shuddering sobs against his body.
He felt like joining her—weeping for his firstborn son that would never reach manhood.
But he had to be strong.
Be strong for both of them.
Selena held the child in her arms, cradling him gently as her tears rained upon his pale face.
“What are we going to do?” Sevyrn wept.
What were they going to do? Kaden buried his head in his hands, the unanswered question pulsating in his mind.
They could not return home—for giving up now seemed to make their loss more acute.
“We will not give up,” Kaden echoed his thoughts.
“Where will we go?” Selena looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child, and the sight of his wife breaking broke something inside of him.
Kaden looked at his child, his vision blurred with forming tears.
He was still breathing, but it was labored and his pulse was weak.
Kaden clung to that hope. He was still alive….maybe Kratos was wrong…but he knew it was futile.
His heart sank. Kratos was right. It would be a miracle if his son lived to see the sunrise.
Please, Jesus, save my son, he begged, referring to the Great One in the human tongue.
But in his heart, he felt nothing but bitterness. The Great One wasn’t going to do anything. He’d watched as the Paynes struggled to survive, watched the Pythonos grow in numbers, and He’d done nothing.
So why did Kaden feel obligated to ask the Great One for help?
He scoffed. Stop playing games with me. Stop being cruel!
He fed his grief to the monstrous anger inside of him to divert him from the pain that could stab like a knife.
Anything to keep from hurting.
Kratos. The name, the sight of the callous doctor forever burned into his mind, filled Kaden with so much hate that he thought he might explode.
And yet…a part of him knew that he was to blame.
Sevyrn would have been better off if she had never met him.
He was a mere human—shunned and hated by many. Sevyrn knew the day that they married, that if they had children someday, they would be Paynes, the mixing of the two races-Andromedan and Human.
And with Payne children, the title passed to the parents as well.
It was his fault that he could not save his son, for in the eyes of the Andromedans, his human blood had defiled Sevyrn forever.
Why? He wanted to scream at her. Why did you choose me? Why me when you could have had everything you wanted? Because of me, our son is going to die!
He was tired of feeling so small, so insignificant, so helpless.
Maybe it was time to feel powerful for a change…an idea began to take shape in his mind-
“We’re going to someone who will actually help us, Sevryn,” he finally said. He turned away, his hands balled up at his sides, trembling with anger. “We’ve prayed. We’ve waited for the Great One to deliver us, but where has that gotten us?” he shook his head, beginning to pace. “I’m tired of waiting for Him to do something. No, it’s time to take matters into our own hands.”
“You mean-” Sevryn looked up, eyes wide.
“Yes, Sevryn. We’re going to join the resistance. The Pythonos.”
***
“What is it you asssk?”The man on the throne had a certain presence about him that Kaden couldn’t place. But whatever it was, Kaden knew that he was more powerful than his mind could ever comprehend.
His knees shook, for reasons unknown to him. His mind wanted more, but his flesh quaked with fear.
“We’ve come to seek your help,” he bowed his head. “Our son is very sick, and we were turned away by doctors.”
“How tragic,” the Pythonos mused, his cold eyes resting on Kaden. The hair on his neck stood up. Finally he spoke again. “What do you suggessst I do?”
Sevryn spoke up, chin lifted with the defiance of a mother protecting her child. “We will join your ranks, if you will cast a spell of protection over our son, and heal him of the sickness.”
The Pythonos laughed, and Kaden had the sudden urge to grab Sevryn and run as far away as he could. But he stood his ground.
“Getting right to the demandsss are we?” he raised an eyebrow. Sevryn didn’t so much as flinch, but stared the Pythonos in the eyes, waiting. “I think that can be arranged,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “For a price.”
“I’ll do anything,” Sevryn said at the same time that Kaden asked, “What is the price?”
He didn’t like this. He didn’t like the Pythonos, didn’t like the stone walls that seemed to close in around him, and he certainly didn’t like the seven headed dragon that was chained in the far corner.
“The price?” the man shook his head. “It’sss just a trifle, really.” he paused. “Join me. I will make you my right hand man, and give you everything you could ever want. In exchange for your fealty. You mussst take an oath to ssserve me until death.”
You could be powerful.
Already Kaden felt his will crumbling. Finally, he could have a chance to provide for Sevryn. They could be happy.
You could be powerful.
“I’ll do it,” Kaden heard himself saying, a reflex.
The Pythonos looked to Sevryn.
“I will as well.”
“Then we have come to an agreement,” a sinister grin made his face all the more terrifying. “Let the ceremony begin.”
****
“Do you ssswear to ssserve the Massster, as long as you shall live?” a hooded Pythonos held a twisted blade out to Kaden. The room was lit with torches, ominous shadows flickering across the stone walls.
Kaden took a breath, and looked at Sevryn. Though her eyes were filled with misgivings, she glanced at her son in her arms, and nodded.
“I do,” Kaden bowed his head, taking the knife. He stepped past the Pythonos and approached the large throne. Something about the Master filled his very bones with a fear that made him want to claw at the walls that imprisoned him, searching for a way of escape. But he stayed his fears and held his arms up before the throne. In his peripheral, he saw Sevryn do the same, placing her son on the ground for a brief moment.
With shaking hands, he dug the blade into the tender flesh of his palm, wincing as it laid open the skin.
“I give myself to you, my lord.” He and his wife’s voices blended together, filling the chilling silence.
He let the blood fall on the stone at his Master’s feet, and then it was over. He was one of them now.
“I name you Jraldath Farripper, my second in command, and your wife, Selena Farripper.”
A sudden euphoria took over Jraldath, his heart racing. He was a Pythonos.
“I am looking forward to you and your wife joining my ranksss,” the Master hissed, nodding as Jraldath bowed at his feet. “I have big plansss for you, young one,” he laughed, the sound filling the room.
But Jraldath scarcely noticed.
“Yesss, Massster,” he said, his voice now indistinguishable from the dark man on the throne.
***
Jraldath eyed his son with contempt.
“He’sss an ugly one,” he remarked, looking at Selena.
Had her eyes always been that color? He wondered. Her eyes were completely black, like endless voids staring right through him.
It had been hardly a full hour since they had sworn fealty to the Master. Already Jraldath could scarcely remember why they had joined, and neither could he remember what life was like without serving his Master.
He looked down his nose at the motionless infant that Selena held. Now her arms held him as far away from her body as possible, as if she didn’t want to touch him.
“Yesss,” she said, her voice like a snake’s. “He won’t live until morning,” she spat.“We should do away with him now; end his misssery.”
The Master had made arrangements to heal the child before the night was over, but Jraldath couldn’t understand why.
His son was useless…and he had no wish to keep him.
“I’ll take him to the Farnbron Brook,” Jraldath took the child from Selena. “It will be a ssswift death.” he laughed, now a harsh rasp at the back of his throat. “Better than sssuffering.”
“Take him,” Selena turned away. “He’ll only be a hindrance. No one wantsss a child in the ressssistance.”
Jraldath placed the child at the water’s edge and looked upon his son’s face one last time. And then, before the last of his humanity prevailed, he turned and walked away, leaving the child in fate’s hands.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The Chat Chat’s being weird…so I’ll just tell you here!
Hey dont worry about it! I always enjoy reading them 🙂
You read all those?!?!?
Lol! I know, it may just be a stage I’m going through, but at the moment I’m done.
That’s okay! Please, please, let me know when you get it published!
I get it if you’re not comfortable sharing this, but would you mind if either I gave you my email or you gave me yours so we can talk sometimes? Again, no pressure xD
Of course!! 😀
I’ve been praying a lot, and God has really worked in my life! He has helped me write for Him, and I’m really happy with where my allegory is going! I’ve had so many rough patches, but He carried me through every single one 💗💗
Also…
if you haven’t heard…
Jraldath is Lilitu’s dad…
and Hanna is half Pythonos…
hehe
AND HOW IS MY POOR BABY HUGO?!?!?!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333You read all those?!?!?
Pretty much all that came through 😀
That’s okay! Please, please, let me know when you get it published!
Dont worry! Ill let everyone know (:
I get it if you’re not comfortable sharing this, but would you mind if either I gave you my email or you gave me yours so we can talk sometimes? Again, no pressure xD
Would it be alright if we did it through Pinterest?
Jraldath is Lilitu’s dad…
and Hanna is half Pythonos…
Wait… what???? Thats a good plot twist!
AND HOW IS MY POOR BABY HUGO?!?!?!
Two words. Not good.
Poor Hugo it seems like everything bad happens to him…
"Would you kindly...?"
Ooh yay!! This is already sounding awesome! I’m so excited!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Pretty much all that came through
And all this time I thought that you never saw them lol 😳 oops my bad 🤣
Would it be alright if we did it through Pinterest?
I tried messaging you once…but my account is weird…it won’t let me message people because of my age. It used to…but then Pinterest got updated! I can make a fake account so that it will finally let me do normal stuff xD I’m fine with that, I’d just have to make a different one.
Wait… what???? Thats a good plot twist!
Thanks lol!
Poor Hugo it seems like everything bad happens to him…
NOOOO *gives him a hug and some hot cocoa and popcorn and cookies and pumpkin cream cheese muffin and a blanket*
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oh wait it said that it won’t let me message you because of your message settings 😭😭
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333This is the one to my old account…idk if it will work or not xD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Do you have any thoughts on the Prologue?
A little background information…
this is an allegory of spiritual warfare and the lies that we believe about ourselves, and how that affects our lives.
I’m not going to info dump everything right now cuz that would be a LOT! But I will answer any questions as you have them!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I really like the changes you’ve made to the prologue!
One typo I noticed, it should be Sevryn here:
“Where will we go?” Selena looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child, and the sight of his wife breaking broke something inside of him.
The pen is mightier than the sword… but I still want a sword.
Oh man! I must say creepy!
Goodness, it sure is good though. I really don’t like the decision the parents made. I mean, there’s just no excuse.
I’m excited to find out what happens to the child, though I have some educated guesses. Is this all you have written so far?
I did notice that you changed the wife’s name before they joined the “Master” here was the part.
Kaden pulled Sevyrn close to him, feeling her shuddering sobs against his body.
He felt like joining her—weeping for his firstborn son that would never reach manhood.
But he had to be strong.
Be strong for both of them.
Selena held the child in her arms, cradling him gently as her tears rained upon his pale face.
“What are we going to do?” Sevyrn wept.
What were they going to do? Kaden buried his head in his hands, the unanswered question pulsating in his mind.
They could not return home—for giving up now seemed to make their loss more acute.
“We will not give up,” Kaden echoed his thoughts.
“Where will we go?” Selena looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child, and the sight of his wife breaking broke something inside of him.
Oh man! I must say creepy!
Goodness, it sure is good though. I really don’t like the decision the parents made. I mean, there’s just no excuse.
I’m excited to find out what happens to the child, though I have some educated guesses. Is this all you have written so far?
I did notice that you changed the wife’s name before they joined the “Master” here was the part.
Kaden pulled Sevyrn close to him, feeling her shuddering sobs against his body.
He felt like joining her—weeping for his firstborn son that would never reach manhood.
But he had to be strong.
Be strong for both of them.
Selena held the child in her arms, cradling him gently as her tears rained upon his pale face.
“What are we going to do?” Sevyrn wept.
What were they going to do? Kaden buried his head in his hands, the unanswered question pulsating in his mind.
They could not return home—for giving up now seemed to make their loss more acute.
“We will not give up,” Kaden echoed his thoughts.
“Where will we go?” Selena looked up at him with the brokenness of a small child, and the sight of his wife breaking broke something inside of him.
Found it!
I’ll give you some feedback in a few days. We have a big party going on at our house tomorrow (and I’m working this afternoon) so I’m pretty busy, and I want to give this a good amount of time—there’s a lot of changes from the original version that I would like to comment on.
But for now, I’ll just say, this is really good!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.