- This topic has 336 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 3 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’m caught up too. I don’t have any feedback right now, just a question:
Is Marcurious somehow allergic to Azers? And if Ottoline was a full Azer would he have died?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOkay, so in his “list of accomplishments” it says that he managed to offend the entire branch of Azers (he’s really good at offending people), and their all out to get revenge. So he’s scared the Ottoline heard about what he did.
Usually when he says, well, I’m dead, that’s just his catch phrase, so he normally doesn’t die, but comes very, very close. Hopefully that makes sense?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oh, okay. I think you could definitely make that clearer. So the point of the Pythonos doing that was to torture Ottoline by making her watch him in pain? And his reaction was caused by the experiments they were doing on him and not by Ottoline’s presence?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOh, sorry. I guess I didn’t make that clear.
No, the Pythonos just injected Marcurious with a poison to take away his powers (not permanently, just as long as he recieves the medication), and they made Ottoline watch so that she would fear them, but also because they don’t like to wait so they wanted her ready to take his place to experiment on her next.
His reaction was fear of Ottoline, because since he offended the Azers and is on the run from them and Pythonos, he was scared that she would have heard about what she did and get revenge. Does that make sense?
(I’m terrible at explaining my stories, lol)
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The order of events makes it confusing. First he says ‘uh oh’ when he realizes she’s part Azer, then he says “well, I’m dead.” Then he has a violent reaction to something.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYea, that makes sense. I think the fact that we don’t even know what he did to offend them and that Ottoline is only part Azer makes that kind of convoluted, so you definitely want to explain it more.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Booksokay, i’ll keep that in mind.
In the past two years he had:
- Managed to offend the entire branch of Azers. Let’s just say it involved some dirty words, nearly poisoning their president with a bit of Blue Death leaves (how was he supposed to know they were poisonous?), and a bomb. He was now on the run from blood thirsty Azers bent on revenge. Not a good combination. He preferred to think that it made life more exciting.
Does that make it any clearer? I added some things on the paragraph.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Okay, yikes! Poison!?! A bomb?!?
Although, would that really be the top of his concerns when he sees Ottoline? Both of them are in prison and she’s only part-Azer, so it doesn’t quite seem logical that he would be legitimately worried about her trying to get revenge. It’s a funny reaction, but it relies a lot on the reader connecting all the dots.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYeah, I didn’t think about it much. I assumed that Ottoline was there simply to scare Marcurious, and to scare her by witnessing his pain. It is a bit of a weird moment though because he assumes that Ottoline was there to torture him, but then we see him just being tortured from her perspective. It’s not that this scene is inconsistent, we just don’t know what’s going through Marcurious’s mind when it would be most helpful. He either needs to say something, or we need to switch back to his prespective to help clear that up. Perhaps he might make some sassy remark about why Ottoline was there, and she would seem confused, and one of the Pythonos would just laugh and one way or another, it would become clear that Marcurious’s pain is purely from them. Thanks for catching that Jonas!
Thinking about that scene a little more, I did also actually have some thoughts on the Traitor. Does he let that title float around, or is it the informal gossip term used by most when Pythonos aren’t around? Also, why is he here? This seems like something beneath him if he’s really the icon and/or mastermind of the Pythonos. Unless Marcurious as a prince or whatever other reason actually calls his particular attention, and that could be cool to play with to create intrigue, why is he here, you can get people to wonder. And one more thing, it might be good to mention how Ottoline knows who he even is. Does he show his face in public often? Are there pictures of him? Does he bare a highly distinctive scar or mark of some kind?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Just out of curiosity, is UNIT an acronym?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksAlso, I have some more thought about what I was talking about earlier.
So, with Marcurious’ concern that Ottoline will want revenge, maybe you could put that in later, the next time they see each other. It seems odd that Marcurious, while he is suffering from the effects of poison and surrounded by his captors, is worried that a fellow prisoner might attack him. He doesn’t even have to notice her, given the state he’s in, let alone that she’s part Azer. Then you could have him notice later when they aren’t in such a stressful environment. I just think the joke doesn’t work the best in this scene. Whenever you end up doing it, you should also remind the reader why he would be afraid of Azers, because I didn’t remember that and I was super confused.
Hopefully I’m not beating a dead horse. My previous thoughts were kind of scattered, so I’m just reiterating everything more concisely.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksAlthough, would that really be the top of his concerns when he sees Ottoline? Both of them are in prison and she’s only part-Azer, so it doesn’t quite seem logical that he would be legitimately worried about her trying to get revenge. It’s a funny reaction, but it relies a lot on the reader connecting all the dots.
Yeah, normally that would be the case, but since he’s kind of delirious and he’s just an interesting person in general, I thought it would be “funny” to have that his main concern as he could be on the brink of death…
Okay, yikes! Poison!?! A bomb?!?
Marcurious is a naughty, naughty boy.
I assumed that Ottoline was there simply to scare Marcurious, and to scare her by witnessing his pain.
Though that wasn’t the main goal of the Pythonos, that did end up happening. The Pythonos just wanted to scare Ottoline and didn’t expect Marcurious to be scared of her.
Thinking about that scene a little more, I did also actually have some thoughts on the Traitor. Does he let that title float around, or is it the informal gossip term used by most when Pythonos aren’t around? Also, why is he here? This seems like something beneath him if he’s really the icon and/or mastermind of the Pythonos. Unless Marcurious as a prince or whatever other reason actually calls his particular attention, and that could be cool to play with to create intrigue, why is he here, you can get people to wonder. And one more thing, it might be good to mention how Ottoline knows who he even is. Does he show his face in public often? Are there pictures of him? Does he bare a highly distinctive scar or mark of some kind?
Well, the Traitor normally specializes in the UNIT and has virtually nothing to do with the prison block, so he’s like the lead scientist. Good idea about the scars, I might use that, because since he doesn’t go to the prison block, like you said, how would she know? And yeah, I was kind of going for that he goes around to make sure his guards are doing their jobs, so he would be a common face to see there.
And I’ll work on making it more obvious. It’s only my first draft…so it’s definitely not perfect… lol
Jonas, good question, the UNIT is not an acronym. I was kind of using it as a temporary title, but it seemed to fit so I left it. If you guys have any ideas for a better name…I’m open to suggestions!
Guys…just when I think I finally wrote a decent chapter, you guys find all these plot holes! 😂
But that’s good…I probably wouldn’t be the writer I am right now if it wasn’t for you guys finding all these problems I’ve overlooked. Thank you!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333So, with Marcurious’ concern that Ottoline will want revenge, maybe you could put that in later, the next time they see each other. It seems odd that Marcurious, while he is suffering from the effects of poison and surrounded by his captors, is worried that a fellow prisoner might attack him. He doesn’t even have to notice her, given the state he’s in, let alone that she’s part Azer. Then you could have him notice later when they aren’t in such a stressful environment. I just think the joke doesn’t work the best in this scene. Whenever you end up doing it, you should also remind the reader why he would be afraid of Azers, because I didn’t remember that and I was super confused.
I don’t really think he’s afraid she’ll attack him as much as he’s worried about that she knows what he did? I’m not sure if thats the same thing to you but it’s different in my head for some reason. Idk. 🤷♀️
You are probably right that it doesn’t work the best, but for some reason I like it there, so at least for now, I’m probably going to leave it, but I’ll definitely provide more information there and when they see each other next in a less stressful environment. I know I’m being confusing, but idk, I like that scene for some reason. I might end up changing it later though. Who knows? lol.
Thanks for helping me!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333GUYS….thoughts on this book cover??? I made it last night and idk if I love it or hate it….
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Is this better?
“Scared you?” The boy smirked. His voice was weak, and his hands trembled a bit, but he lifted his chin, and wet his lips with the determination of a warrior, shaking his mess of black hair out of his eyes. His eyes fell on Ottoline. “That’s low,” he looked at the Traitor. “You’re going to have a girl kill me?” Ottoline raised an eyebrow. She could barely land a punch without her knuckles aching, what made him think she was capable of killing a boy twice her height? “Look, I had no idea those Blue Death leaves were Blue Death, I never meant to try to assassinate your president-” Before Ottoline had time to ask the boy what in Andromeda he was talking about, the Traitor cut him off.
I know it’s not perfect, but hopefully it clarifys things a bit?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.