Home Page āŗ Forums āŗ Fiction Writing āŗ Critiques āŗ Novel Critique Requests āŗ My Work In Progress
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September 12, 2023 at 11:46 pm #156269
Yes, Rishona does represent Eve in the prologue.
Right, she represents Eve, but is she literally Eve? Is Earth here the same Earth we know, and therefore the story of Adam and Eve is really just a translation of Rishonaās story?
And I do agree that I use flowery language excessively. I love your ideas, because you have helped me realize things about myself I never have before!
Lol, Iām happy to help! Those are good pros to have, I hope Iām not making it sound like there not, Iām just saying that you can keep refining your writers voice, and tame that language to create even better pros, which is true for everyone, even the greats. Itās always really cool when we become more aware of the different aspects of ourselves, thatās when we can become better people with intension.
Wowww I love this! And it fits so well with my story, too! I get it now what you meant by āmelodramaticā.
Thanksš Iām glad you like it, the concept is all yours though. I personally have struggled with my own writing being melodramatic for a long time, and I think Iāve greatly improved since, but Iām still far from perfect. I think itās a skill that just comes with time.
Thanks, Iāll fix that š
Is this better?
It still says worldš But yes, I think thatās a really big improvement! You still kept a lot of your original style and vibe, but cleaning it up a bit. Great job. Now again, donāt take my word as any real authority, I am simply opinionated as Iāve mentioned, so it would be good to continue getting thoughts from other readers and fellow writers.
Canāt wait to see your opinions on the next chapters!!!
Hopefully I can take a look at them tomorrow, I have been busy, and havenāt been able to be on as much.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
September 13, 2023 at 10:45 am #156276Right, she represents Eve, but is she literally Eve? Is Earth here the same Earth we know, and therefore the story of Adam and Eve is really just a translation of Rishonaās story?
Well I think that Rishona is literally Eve in my story, and Earth is the same earth we know but I think what I was going for is that thereās no Adam and Eve because Rishonaās story is all they know? I donāt know! The more I think about it the more I confuse myself! I think I just have to write more to figure everything out because this is a fairly new story and Iāve never written an allegory before.
Hopefully I can take a look at them tomorrow, I have been busy, and havenāt been able to be on as much.
Itās okay, Iāve been busy as well with school sports and stuff like that!
It still says worldš
Okay I actually fixed it for real this time!
And thank you again for all your help. š
Ā
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333September 13, 2023 at 11:50 am #156302@savannah_grace2009 @thearcaneaxiom
Just watching from afar and thought Iād chip in.
I think from reading some of Savannahās work, it is heavily parallel to the stories of the Bible, but you canāt really guess something like that as the reader, because unless the writer clarifies their intent, an Eve-Allegory and an Alternate-Eve are essentially the same thing in function.
The story Savannah is writing obviously has major elements that arenāt from the Bible, and the world seems different enough structure-wise that it doesnāt strike me as an alternate Earth. It looks more like a whole different fantastical planet entirely. So I would guess it is an Eve-Allegory myself, as a reader ā but maybe it isnāt. Maybe this is, worldbuilding-wise, meant to be Twisted Earth.
Iām just saying unless Savannah wants to explore that possibility, I donāt think it necessarily has to make a difference.
Actually, the writer doesnāt even have to decide if they donāt want to. Itās something you could leave to the readerās imagination.
(If youāve read His Dark Materials, ArcaneAxiom, the Adam and Eve in that story are what strike me as being portrayed purposefully as an alternate reality)
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
September 13, 2023 at 11:58 am #156305What I think @thearcaneaxiom is asking you:
Which of these two is Rishona?
1. Inspired by Eve, but is actually a different person, in a different fantastical world. Not actually Eve, just a shadow of Eve.
2. Actually Eve. In a twisted version of Earth, where some details of reality have been changed.
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
September 13, 2023 at 11:59 am #156307Hopefully that made sense š
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
September 13, 2023 at 2:47 pm #156324Okay thanks Whaley! And yes number 1 is Rishona.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333September 13, 2023 at 2:51 pm #156325September 15, 2023 at 6:55 pm #156522Hereās my WIP if youāre interested! And donāt feel pressured to read it if youāre busy (or just donāt want to!, I understand that life gets complicated and busy!
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Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333September 15, 2023 at 7:31 pm #156532From what I read so far, its really good! I will be checking it out from time to time (Dont worry, its not that I dont like it, I love it! But I am working on my WIP a bunch right now, 54 pages! š ) Thank you for sharing it!!
September 15, 2023 at 7:51 pm #156535And of course donāt feel bad if you donāt have time to read it, I get it, and glad youāre working on your WIP so much! And great work, 54 pages is a lot! I remember how happy I was when I hit 50 pages šĀ Idk how many pages mine is since Iām using a platform called Reedsy and it doesnāt have pages (kind of weird, i know), but I have 13,000 words at the moment.
Yeah, sorry i think i tagged you more than once here, sorry if i did, I wasnāt trying to nag you about it, lol!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333September 15, 2023 at 8:00 pm #156536Donāt worry about it! Thank you for tagging me š
September 16, 2023 at 3:15 pm #156572@whalekeeper @savannah_grace2009
Yeah, as you said Whale, it definitely works, Iām just trying to figure out what the actual structure is in relation to reality, as real places such as earth are mentioned. Your answers Sara are still throwing me off because āI think that Rishona is literally Eve in my story, and Earth is the same earth we know but I think what I was going for is that thereās no Adam and Eve because Rishonaās story is all they know?ā is a very different response to āInspired by Eve, but is actually a different person, in a different fantastical world. Not actually Eve, just a shadow of Eve.ā unless it was a decision you made just then, because Iām being too nagging about itš If it isnāt Eve, my question then is still, what is earth in this case, the same earth, or is it really a completely different place called earth for the sake of familiarity? But it is true that this can go unexplained, sometimes that better, I would just be going against my nature if I didnāt at least ask.
I havenāt read His Dark Materials, though Iāve watched the movie The Golden Compass. The overall story as I understand thoughĀ is a inherent mockery of religion as a whole though, so it makes sense that if Adam and Eve are mentioned, it would be shown in a very alternate storyline.
Ok, so I just read the first and second chapter. I enjoyed these, and I liked the concepts and themes your alluding to. So in the original description of the Pythonos, you said they served the Great One, but it did seem be be purely past tense. So was it specifically the event of the Fall that all the Pythonos fell into a state of pure evil? The first chapter intrigued me though, because you seemed to be alluding to the idea that the Pythonos could feel real emotions, and they wanted good things, like family and companionship, one of the most objectively good things there is. So is there going to be redemption for the Pythonos? Is the pure evil front they show just that? A mask to hide deeply buried hurt and desire? So it looks like your gearing up for the discussion of what is good and evil, and what is moral agency, would that be right? Because if so, Iām on on board! These are themes that really intrigue me, and Iām liking how your handling it so far.
As far as the second chapter goes, I found it interesting that you depicted the tree as breathing and seemingly pulsing with blood, is that to be taken literally? If so, that would be a fun concept, is there any more specifics about that idea youāve figured out?
I donāt think I have much in the way of criticisms right now, thereās a lot of good intrigue, and Iām curious as to what happens with this Moses type character.
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Ā
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
September 16, 2023 at 6:27 pm #156579Sorry, iām not good at explaining things, especially my stories! All I know is that Earth is the same Earth, and I think that Adam and Eve donāt exist either in āstoriesā or anything. I think that Iām trying to make this story for the secular world to speak truth (i think sometimes if the world knows that somethings from the Bible, they wonāt want to even try to read it, so Iām trying to āsneakā truth past the barriers of their mind, so to speak.
In the Bible, it says that Satan fell from heaven because of greed: he wanted to be like God. Thatās the same theme Iām going for: the Pythonos, especially Jordan, but mainly Pythonos in general are to represent Satan and his angels of darkness in my allegory. So no, thereās no redemption. Also, another theme in my story is that magic is always bad, because itās not from God, itās from Satan, because often people are decieved into thinking that magic is good, not bad. I know it can be portrayed as good and still be a story for God, but thatās just not what Iām going for.
And the second chapterā¦yes, in Andromeda, the trees are alive, living āintelligentā creatures. It is considered evil and cruel to deliberately kill one, which is why it was such a big deal. They are kind of representing angels of light, but not totally. Just a shadow, if you will. And they will bleed if killed. So Iām not sure if I need to do a better job of explaining this in my story?
And Lilitu has the same backstory as Moses, but Iām not sure if heās going to lead his people out of captivityā¦yet. Iām more of a āpantserā than a āplotterā, if you will, so thatās why I might not have any plans for the future set in stone.
Thanks for the help! And sorry my answers are confusing. Like I said, I donāt always have everything figured out, and Iām also terrible at explaining my stories. My family can vouch for that. Haha!
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Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333September 16, 2023 at 6:51 pm #156585About the Golden Compass ā the movie is not good at all in adapting the book. It tried to follow the plot too tightly, without capturing the essence of the story. But I digress.
The book takes an anti-Christian position, but its points are actually extremely valid when it comes to looking back at what the āchurchā has been, how those in the āchurchā have used their influence wrongly, and how one can twist what was meant to be good and promote many untruths. The author is certainly not defending the Christian view ā he is an atheist, and the story paints its version of God as a fake ā but the book is fascinating to read from my perspective, due to what it is trying to call out, and it is one of my favorites.
I personally donāt think it is wrong to enjoy a book that is from a non-Christian perspective, because art is a product of a life perspective or an era of time ā a microcosm, if you will. Many can view it from the outside, and all agree that it is authentic to whatever it is meant to encapsulate. Itās like reading about Celtic gods, or an ancient poem praising a hero for killing a million men. You may not agree with all the views in the story, but as long as you understand it is a product of something, thereās no reason notĀ to appreciate it for what it is.
For example, I donāt completely agree with everything Brandon Sanderson writes. But his books are amazingly written and have earned another fan.
Anyway, that was a needless ramble, but I felt I wanted to write it down for anyone to see XD
- This reply was modified 8 months ago by Whaley.
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
September 16, 2023 at 7:04 pm #156587Heeeyy I agree with you, our stories are so hard to explain XD
I found your allegories very easy to followā¦ I donāt know if that was your intention, but thatās how it read XD If I showed your prologue to a non-Christian friend, they would recognize it as the Creation and Fall story. I have no idea how they would react, though. It would probably depend on how willing they would be to read on for the ācoolā fantasy elements.
ā¦Iām pretty sure Iāve said this before, but I STILL love Lilituās name. Like, itās adorable. Every time I read it. XD
Also, Iām curious. What are your full thoughts on magic? Iām purposefully going to not reply much, because Iāve gotten into heated discussions about this before XD But just some questions, if you arenāt too sensitive about it.
Do you think Biblical\real magic and modern\fictional magic are the same? Yes or no, why do you think so? What qualifies as magic, and what doesnāt?
KaPeefers 'til we're old and gray...
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