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I have fixed the “connecting” issues on Reedsy, just not on KP.
I’m deleting the chapter where Sef and Lilitu are in the woods. Or at least for now, lol. I’m filling in the gaps a lot right now and fixing some stuff up.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok, awesome! I’ll take a look then!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I just read chapter 10. I think Marcurious is a really cool character. There’s two main things I wonder: where does he get all his confidence? And what is he afraid of? You don’t have to answer these right now, but I think they’re definitely things worth exploring in the story, especially the second. So far whenever we see him, he is completely self-assured, so I’m very curious what situations would actually scare him.
Also, having the list of his accomplishments formatted as an actual bullet list seems a bit strange, although it does really build on his character by showing that he thinks in that way. I’m not really sure whether it works well or not, but it’s worth considering.
Anyway, I’m kind of rambling. Hopefully all that makes sense.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksWell, I haven’t totally developed his character yet, but I know that he gets a lot of his confidence from relying on himself and that he can basically do anything he wants in Erstonia, so he’s kind of entitled. To be honest, I’m not sure what would really scare him, except the Pythonos. He’s not scared of them at the moment, but he will be. hehe.
Yeah, I thought I’d do something “weird” for a change with the bullet points. I tried formatting it in a paragraph, but it seemed like a lot of ramblings and it was really hard to follow, so I thought I’d experiment.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Well, I haven’t totally developed his character yet
Like I said, that’s fine. I just think these are good things to be thinking about.
he gets a lot of his confidence from relying on himself and that he can basically do anything he wants in Erstonia, so he’s kind of entitled.
I do find it a bit unlikely that his confidence would come from entitlement. Sure, at his home I can see that it would, if he can do whatever he wants, but would that really extend to being hunted, shot, captured, and imprisoned by the living incarnations of evil? I’m actually inclined to think the opposite would be the case, that a powerful entitled young man would be absolutely lost and panicked in such a dangerous situation as this. In a lot of stories we do see this play out, where someone who’s had whatever they want all their life suddenly finds themself completely lost and impotent and they have a complete breakdown. I’m not saying you should do this for Marcurious—it would completely change him as a character, and I like him the way he is—but I don’t find that explanation for how he became so confident entirely satisfactory.
By the way, is his ability to turn into an animal an ability that entire race has (I don’t remember at this point) or is it a power unique to him? Also, did the Pythonos steal it entirely or just suppress it?
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📚 Appreciator of BooksSo I just read up to chapter 10, and it definitely has removed the issue of plot jumps. It still is jumping from so many POVs that it’s hard to connect with the characters on a deeper level yet, but once you start cycling back to Lilitu and Sef and whoever else, I think it should be fine.
I like Marcurious’s character as well. I agree with @jonas ‘s assessment on exploring his deeper nature of confidence, however I think you don’t need to get into that immediately. The explanation you gave I think can work though, but perhaps you could add a little more? He might have a sense of entitlement, but he may have also had a sense of rebellion from a young age, and has often hid in the woods, challenging the largest and scariest of frogs, and has taught himself a sense of adventurousness and stubbornness through that, then coupled with his entitlement, I think that could work.
Another way could be that his father has forced him into dangerous challenges with the intent of quickening his sons maturity, skill, and growth. It would work, but would cause his son to despise him, and perhaps see his father as the ultimate challenge that needs to be overcome or something like that.
Psychology is an interest of mine, but I’m no expert, so these ideas may be more or less realistic. In the end, I think it works fine as it is for now, but still definitely worth thinking about.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Another way could be that his father has forced him into dangerous challenges with the intent of quickening his sons maturity, skill, and growth. It would work, but would cause his son to despise him, and perhaps see his father as the ultimate challenge that needs to be overcome or something like that.
That would actually make a lot of sense as to why Marcurious doesn’t miss his family when he runs away, and maybe even be part of the reason he runs away in the first place!
He might have a sense of entitlement, but he may have also had a sense of rebellion from a young age, and has often hid in the woods, challenging the largest and scariest of frogs, and has taught himself a sense of adventurousness and stubbornness through that, then coupled with his entitlement, I think that could work.
The largest and scariest of frogs…..haha!!!!! That’s hilarious…but I think I could actually use that, lol.
It still is jumping from so many POVs that it’s hard to connect with the characters on a deeper level yet, but once you start cycling back to Lilitu and Sef and whoever else, I think it should be fine.
Okay, great! I’m gonna definitely circle back to Lilitu and Sef, and *******SPOILET ALERT**** Marcurious is going to break Neveah and Ottoline out of prison. Somehow. haha!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Well…you have great points!
I think that Marcurious is an interesting one, because he’s just used to having his way and getting himself out of trouble that he doesn’t see this as any different. He sees himself as a “god” of sorts, and sees the Pythonos as just another challenge that he can overcome.
By the way, is his ability to turn into an animal an ability that entire race has (I don’t remember at this point) or is it a power unique to him? Also, did the Pythonos steal it entirely or just suppress it?
So Marcurious is another race (besides Azers, Estrellos, Aquinos, Ptts, Pythonos, and Payne) called Erstonians. They have their own monarchy and are powerful shapeshifters. They live on a continent called Erstonia (so creative, I know, lol jk) to the north east of Andromeda.
The Pythonos didn’t steal his power, but cast a spell that would suppress it so he couldn’t use it for more than a couple seconds.
In a lot of stories we do see this play out, where someone who’s had whatever they want all their life suddenly finds themself completely lost and impotent and they have a complete breakdown.
I kind of see that a little cliche to be honest, since like you said, it’s a SUPER common character arc. And I guess it will be Marcurious a little bit, after he spends a week in the UNIT, hehe.
If you check out the link I posted earlier, I’ve added some more chapters. Tell me what you think! (Sorry if I’m bugging you by asking you to read EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER, but you seem to have an eye for problems and plot holes, so I really appreciate your advice. Feel free to tell me when it gets old, lol.)
For anyone who’s interested, I MADE IT TO 20K words!!!!! YAY!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Marcurious now has a catch phrase, lol.
Well, I’m dead.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I kind of see that a little cliche to be honest, since like you said, it’s a SUPER common character arc.
it may be common, it may even be cliche, but I would say that’s because it’s realistic. Someone who’s had it easy will breakdown in bad situations more than someone who’s had a harder life. Again, I’m not saying you should use it, but I think you should realize that that a character like Marcurious would have a tendency toward such a character arc, so it’s important that there be an aspect of Marcurious’s personality that saves him from that. Hopefully I’m not sounding pushy—I just think it’s important.
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📚 Appreciator of Booksyeah, I do agree with you it is realistic, I’m just experimenting with Marcurious a bit. But you’re right, Marcurious does end up having a sort of breakdown later.
The more I think about it, I guess that character arc is Marcurious a little bit, after he spends a week in the UNIT, hehe (insert evil laughter and horrible smells. bwahaha!). His “resilience” to fear just seems to be stronger than most. And no, you’re not being too pushy. It’s got me thinking more about Marcurious’s character.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333If you check out the link I posted earlier, I’ve added some more chapters. Tell me what you think! (Sorry if I’m bugging you by asking you to read EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER, but you seem to have an eye for problems and plot holes, so I really appreciate your advice. Feel free to tell me when it gets old, lol.)
I might have a chance to read it today, we’ll see, the past few days have been busy, and today will be as well, but we’ll see!
For anyone who’s interested, I MADE IT TO 20K words!!!!! YAY!!!
Congratulations!!! 🎉
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
yeah, if you don’t get to it that’s totally fine!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Alright, so I finally got a chance to catch up again.
I actually don’t have too many comments on the latest 3 chapters as far as critiques go other than maybe Neveah’s part. I’m all for her having sudden resolve of vengeance, feeling intense emotions of anger and hatred, but it also felt perhaps a bit too sudden. Right now would be too disorienting for her to making any committed resolve. I think it would be good to make her feel grief first for a time, then as she tries to ponder, she finds herself transfixed upon the monstrosity of the Pythonos, how could they be so cruel? She would think of her daughters being taken away, and that monstrosity and injustice would be all she could think about anymore, and that would be when she resolves. Or at least something like that. I also don’t think this needs to take a serious long period of time, maybe just within the single chapter you already have for her, just maybe work on the flow of that scene a little more.
Other than that, I’m enjoying what you have so far. I’m curious to see what happens with Ottoline and Marcurious later on, and it was about time to check in on how Lilitu was doing. Great job!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Okay, I’ll work on that.
Thank you! 🙂
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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