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They’re going great, and I’ve been getting so much great feedback on my story! How about you?
That’s awesome! ❤
I just thought since you’re new, you might need someone to bounce off of if you’re overwhelmed 😅 So please, let me know if you are?
I’m doing good! I draw, and I sketched my hero in a few poses today. Really enjoyed that!
“Everything is a mountain”
Actually, that would be great! If you want to add critiques or anything, let me know.
Over the course of last night and today, I wrote this chapter explaining how Sef ends up with Iver, etc. I’m not sure whether to add another one about that or not. Because I want to explain that Iver is abusive (the beginning of Chapter 6: Hiding) but i don’t want to get into graphic detail about it, so I like the flashback method. Let me know what you guys think!
Here’s the next chapter (It comes after Stolen):
An Orphan
Repulsive.
That was the only word Sef found eligible to describe the man on the other side of the threshold. His beard was shaggy, his hair hidden by a ball cap, his eyes narrowed into slits. His clothing was torn, his face was smeared with grime, a cigarette protruded from the left corner of his mouth, and his breath reeked of alcohol. His large paunch of a stomach hung over his belt buckle. The man was hideous, Sef decided.
And he expected her to go home with him.
“Come along, girlie,” he drawled. “I’ll get you started scrubbing the floors.”
She shifted her pack from one shoulder to the other. Truth be told, she was terrified.
“She could stay with us…” Indie protested, desperate. Sef looked from Lilitu, to Indie, to Azazel, to Cassian and Eloy. All five had the same uncertain concerned look in their eyes.
“No, I won’t trouble you with her,” he gave Sef a look of disdain. “An’ besides, I’ve got a court statement right here.” He procured a crumpled piece of paper. Sef caught a glimpse of the crooked black stamp of the Pythonos. The very look of it made her skin crawl.
“You took this to the Pythonos?” Azazel stood up quickly as the chair legs screeched in protest. “What on Andromeda possessed you to do that?” The six stood there, incredulous.
“You can’t argue with the Pythonos,” Iver shrugged, displaying his missing teeth in a grotesque expression that resembled a smile. “Unless, of course, you want to disappear.”
“Give me that!” Azazel demanded and snatched the paper from the man’s hand. As his eyes scanned the paper, his eyes grew wider and wider with horror, and his face was flushed with anger as he thrust the paper back at the man. An uncomfortable silence settled among them.
“Well?” Indie raised an eyebrow.
“He’s right,” Azazel muttered. “It’s approved. By Jraldath himself.”
***
“Can’t you walk any faster?” Iver sneered.
“I’m sorry,” Sef whispered.
“You will be,” Iver replied coldly. The icy tone gave Sef goosebumps. She said nothing, and stared at the cracks in the dirty sidewalk, dragging her feet. “You trying to ruin your shoes?” he said harshly, “I ain’t buying you new ones. You think I care if you have to go barefoot?” He gave a harsh laugh.
Sef stopped dragging her feet.
“Don’t worry, we’re almost there,” he commented.
“I wasn’t worried,” Sef muttered. She was hoping that they would keep on walking forever. She did not want to live with this “Iver” who claimed to be her cousin. The longer it took them to reach his place, the better.
“What was that?” Iver stopped walking and glowered at her. Sef flinched. She dared not look at him. She stifled a cry as he smacked her ear with the palm of his hand with a blow that left her ears ringing. She had never been struck before.“The sooner you learn not to talk back, the better.” he growled.
Sef nodded, petrified. He grabbed her arm tightly and began to drag her faster.
Her backpack straps dug into her shoulders at a force that pins and needles stabbed her arms.
Suddenly Iver turned sharply to the left and dragged her down a dark alley.
Panic made her heart leap into her throat. A dark alley was never a good sign.
But then he stopped in front of a barred door and let go of her arm.
“Welcome to your new home,” he grinned, plunging his hand in his dirty jeans pocket, pulling out some keys and jangling them in the locks.
The door creaked open ominously. The scent of liquor hit Sef full force and apprehension churned her stomach.
“Well are you deaf as well as dumb?” He shoved her through the doorway. “Go unpack and get to work. You’re scrubbing all the floors. There’s a bucket in the corner and a rag inside it. You’ll want to go to the well to get the water, unless you want the floors stinking like sewage from the Farnbron Brook.” Clean the floors? Sef wrinkled her nose as the smell of filth, alcohol, and the unmistakable unpleasant odor of mold hit her again.
“Down the hall, to your left, and down the stairs,” he instructed her. “Then the floors. I’ll be back at about midnight. I’ve got some….business….to attend to.” He shoved her forward a few steps. With every stride, the smell worsened horribly.
Bile rose up in her throat as she fought the urge to gag. That smell would stay with her for the rest of her life.
Does it need to be longer? More details? Or is it fine? HELP ME, lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Yeah, great job! Don’t feel pressured to step out of your boundaries to write about the details that you don’t feel comfortable with. This is a heavy topic. It was Cassian that took her back originally right? Perhaps you could focus a little more on her relationship with him in the beginning, perhaps his brotherly protectiveness becoming apparent, but failing, perhaps being quickly overpowered from Iver, but the contract form the Pythonos would shake him out of the stupor, and he would accept the hopelessness like the rest of them, letting Sef to be taken, then you could cash in on Sef’s original declaration of hatred of him, letting that either soften from his attempt, or increase from his failure, allowing for more dynamics and character arcs to develop? At least that’s one way to do it. I just think you should build on Sef’s relationship with Cassian a little more since they had that moment of him saving her, and her despising him for it. Perhaps you have plans for that later though. Either way, I think this is good set up just to show where Sef is without needing to get into the specifics.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
That makes sense. Good advice!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333So based off of the language that you were going to help me create, can you help me devise a word in Andromedan for “Mother”? That would be most appreciated, haha. I am not good at creating languages, so I’m stumped, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ahh, yes, mother and father are unique when it comes to the words in a language. The rule of thumb here is very simple, and comes in the form of a question, what can a baby babble? You actually find that the words for Mother and Father in almost every language follows this rule. And the idea of maternal sounds and paternal sounds also seem universal, where m is a universal. Even further than that, in most of these cases, mama with the vowels played with is usually present. You got mama, mami, mima, but also umm, matti, ima, Eomma, or ma, mi, me, ect. It’s intersting that this seems to be so, even with languages that are completely unrelated, pointing towards the idea of how language develops in the mind of a child. So find something along those lines. If you want a more mature version, like mother is to mom or mama, then simply take the name, and modify it with less babble sounds, but likely keep the same overall essence. Like lets say we use something like mani, then make it more mature, perhaps something like mahnith.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Okay, I’m using mani/mahnith. Thanks!
@sarafini
I know you asked me to tag you, so here’s the “thread” about my current WIP! If you read through all the comments (a daunting task, and don’t do it unless you REALLY WANT TO), you will find exerpts from my novel that I have revised and/or have replaced other chapters.
Sorry this is so chaotic, but if you can make sense of it, and enjoy it or have anything to add, please let me know!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
So far I like it but the very 1st part of the prologue has a lot of telling instead of showing. I think you could take out the descriptions of the 7 races and explain them later as the story goes. An example:
Telling: There were Azers, strong willed and with a passion as extreme as the fire that could explode from their hands at a moments notice. They appeared human, save for their bergundy skin, orange hair and yellow eyes.
Showing (I’m using a normal random name so bare with me): Tony’s eyes burned with a passion no one could explain. His hands burned as a lightning bolt of fire exploaded from his hands. He grimaced as the fire spread. He had gotten out of hand again. Sometimes he just had to hold onto his opinions. Others did the same in his race, Azer.
That’s just an example. I only read the 1st part of the prologue. I’m intrigued. Got to go teach my sister tho.
@sarafini
I forgot to mention that most of the things that you’ll find wrong with this thread have already been mentioned by others and have been either fixed or the chapters deleted and replaced.
I deleted the paragraphs about the races, and fixed multiple other problems. Maybe I need to make a new thread for the new and improved WIP, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@savannah_grace2009
What you could do is make a google doc and post the chapters in there instead and update them, to make it easier for everybody to see the changes and the general order of the story.🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThat’s a great idea! The problem is, on my google account I have, it’s my school account and the docs I make can’t be shared with anyone else that has a non school account. I will, however now post the link to my “reedsy” account, (it’s like google docs, but no one can edit or comment.
h ttps://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ Copy and paste and delete the space between h and t
@sarafini @thearcaneaxiom (I think that’s everyone that has been interested in this so far? Feel free to tag anyone I missed)
To see updates, click on the link. I’ll update chapters as I finish them 🙂
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOkay, I’m using mani/mahnith. Thanks!
Your welcome!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Here’s the link to my WIP.
https://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ
If you have any critiques, please reply to this thread and tag me! Thanks for being interested in this! 🙂
Do you think I’ve fixed most of the problems we’ve discussed? Anything I need to work on in the “new” chapters?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333You definitely fixed a lot. Though I still think you got to connect the chapters a bit more, like how did Lilitu and Sef end up in the woods and why are they being hunted, as well as their relationship. You’ve might have already done this though, and simply not posted it on KP, have you done it on reedsy already, I’ll have to check.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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