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Okay, now I understand the plot so far. I agree with @thearcaneaxiom that this chapter feels like a jump. One thing to consider might be to actually not show what happens to Neveah until later in the story, instead of following her. That way you could linearly follow Sef and Lillitu up through this chapter. Cutting to Neveah and Ottoline after Sef and Lillitu jump off the cliff could be a great way to add tension. Always cut when your audience most wants to know what happens next. *evil grin*
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThink of it like your giving your readers a plate with a cheeseburger, but when they reach out to grab it, you pull it away, and throw a burrito at them. Sure burrito’s are great, but the readers were excited for that cheeseburger, and maybe a burrito is better served pushed towards them on a plate, instead of thrown at their face. I hope that makes any sense😂
I love that explanation, lol.
Okay, I’ll work on it! This critique has been so helpful! And no, it doesn’t feel too harsh. Thank you for being honest about what I need to fix. Also, I know I need to make this clearer (I don’t explain it in the story at all, just my thought process when I wrote this) but Sef and Lilitu had previous dealings with the Pythonos. Pythonos can use magic, and so Sef and Lilitu felt like they had to hurry before they got too close. I agree though, drama is always better. And now explaining it, it feels really….lame.
I honestly think you should do three or more chapters here, to properly connect the dots of the story. You want a continuous narrative the readers can follow, and they can see how the events from before lead to and are effecting the events now, and how that is bringing them slowly towards some narrative destination, even if they don’t know what that destination is.
UGH. More work. Just kidding, lol😂 Great points! I will let you know once I finish the “extra chapters”, though it might be a while.
I also have changed a lot in my manuscript in the days since I posted this. I made it sort of clear that Lilitu and Sef know each other, and I added another segment on the bottom of the 4th chapter to show Sef’s reaction to the kidnapping. So it’s kind of funny because I’ll change something in my manuscript and then you’ll comment that it needs to be changed but I’ve already sort of changed it so I get past and present mixed up, haha. (hopefully that makes sense?)
I had no idea this chapter needed so much work! Thanks @jonas , @highscribeofaetherium, and @thearcaneaxiom for helping me fix my errors!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Here’s Sef’s reaction:
Chapter 4: Stolen
***revisal, the new segment at the end****
“Hush,” Cassian squeezed her tighter. Sef sobbed into his shoulder.
“I hate you!” she yelled in his ear. At that moment, she really believed it.
“Yes, I know,” he smiled sadly, knowingly. Sef soon got tired of crying and struggling and so she relaxed into his arms and let him carry her. She didn’t care where they were going. Her mother and her sister were gone and that was all she had.
Sef closed her eyes and the gentle motion lulled her into a sound sleep.
Hours later, Sef’s eyes fluttered open to reveal an unfamiliar ceiling. She was lying on a hard mattress with gray sheets. The air smelled like wet dirt. For a moment she didn’t recognize where she was…until she spotted the vibrant purple and orange floral rug on the dirt floor. Why am I at Lilitu’s house? she wondered, blinking the sleep from her eyes.
And then she remembered. The Pythonos. Her mother was gone. The thought stabbed her like a dagger. Her mother was dead. Gone.
She pulled the sheets up to her chin, feeling the pillow against her cheek, numb to the world.
She’s gone…didn’t she want me? Didn’t she want to be with me? Mother, she screamed inside her head, as if her mother would answer, as if it would change this horrible life she was now forced to live, why would you leave me here alone, now I have to go on without you and I don’t know if I can handle that because I’m not strong enough and I want to make you proud and I miss you and I’ll miss you and Hanna every day of my life and I’m not brave enough and without you my heart has a giant hole in it that nobody else can fill and can’t you see you’re hurting me every second you’re gone? Her eyes filled with tears. Doesn’t anybody see me? Does anybody love me, she wondered. All her questions were unanswered. And then she had a chilling thought. Where would she stay? Her father…she had never known him, nor anything of him, besides that he was human. When Neveah spoke of him, her eyes got that distant, faraway look, the look of great love, want, and grief.
Sef did not know where her father was, or even if he was alive or dead. But she could only assume that he was dead. She imagined that he loved her mother…she had to, because the opposite would be too much for her to bear. It was better to believe he was dead than to hope he was alive and that he did not love her or her mother, or even Hanna who would have to grow up fatherless…if she was still alive. Sef could only imagine what the Pythonos had done to her mother and sister already. That thought brought a wave of hopelessness crashing over her. She let it pummel her, beat her, bruise her, because she was too tired to fight anymore. She had come to terms with her defeat, her surrender.
She knew her grandparents were rich Pitts that were from the city, but she knew that they would not want her. Nobody wanted a Payne like her.
And so that left her with no immediate family who would take her in. She was officially an orphan. Orphan. The word echoed inside her head. It was a terrible word, she decided. A word that she never dreamed would apply to her.
“Sef?” she was startled by a soft voice whispered in her ear. She looked up. It was Indie, Lilitu’s mother. Her hazel eyes were red from tears, her silky black hair tied in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. She sat down on the edge of the bed. “I am so sorry,” she whispered. “I loved your mother. We all did.” Sef knew those words were meant to help her, but they set hot coals of anger alight in her soul. Hearing how wonderful her mother was wasn’t going to fix the fact that she would never see her again. But then she caught sight of Indie’s lower lip trembling. She’s being serious, Sef realized with a pang of sadness.
Indie stretched her arms out and swept Sef into a firm embrace against her side. And then Sef could not keep her emotions bottled up anymore. She took a few shuddering breaths, and then fresh tears sprung to her eyes as she cried.
“I know, I know,” Indie soothed her, rubbing her back in a comforting motion. Indie did not know, Sef realized as she bit her lip, tasting the bitter salt of her own tears. She would never know. Her mother had not been taken by the Pythonos.
“Where-where will I stay?” Sef forced the question out in between her sobs. “No one wants me,” she said bitterly.
“That’s not true,” Indie hugged her tighter and stroked her hair. “I do,” she smiled wryly.
“No you don’t,” Sef’s lip trembled. “You’re lying.”
“I am not.” Indie reassured her. “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I want you. We want you.”
The genuineness of those words began to heal Sef’s broken heart. Her eyes swollen with grief, she rested her head against Indie’s shoulder and let herself imagine, just for a moment, that Indie was her mother. She let herself dare to hope that everything would be alright.
But it was only a matter of time before her heart would break again.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333One thing to consider might be to actually not show what happens to Neveah until later in the story, instead of following her. That way you could linearly follow Sef and Lillitu up through this chapter. Cutting to Neveah and Ottoline after Sef and Lillitu jump off the cliff could be a great way to add tension. Always cut when your audience most wants to know what happens next. *evil grin*
Okay, its funny that you mention that because like two days ago I deleted the chapter from Neveah’s POV. *gasp!*
Don’t worry-I replaced it with a brand new chapter with Ottoline’s POV instead, which is posted somewhere in this thread (you don’t have to read it, but it’s here somewhere if you want to). So I’ll probably rearrange the chapters a bit, after the feedback I’m getting.
Thanks!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Don’t worry-I replaced it with a brand new chapter with Ottoline’s POV instead, which is posted somewhere in this thread (you don’t have to read it, but it’s here somewhere if you want to).
I think I did see that actually, I just didn’t know where it fit in.
The revised Sef chapter definitely helps bridge the gap. One question: I probably just missed it, but who is Cassian, and where does he go after Sef ended up at Lillitu’s house?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksCassian is Lilitu’s older brother. (I’m pretty sure it’s in there somewhere? idk, now I’m second guessing myself, haha)
I don’t know, I probably should know, but I don’t know where Cassian is, lol. I guess he just wasn’t in the scene? He’s old enough to work, so probably doing that or stealing something to feed his family. Characters are hard to keep track of, haha!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@savannah_grace2009
Oh okay. It probably was mentioned, but it’s been a while since I read that part. Why was he at Sef’s house? Did he know that Neveah and Hanna were being kidnapped?🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksWell, Sef wasn’t at her house when Neveah and Hanna were kidnapped. They were leaving the slums, and were walking down the path. It was a whole “group” thing, if that makes sense.
Sef saw them being taken when she was on her way back from the well.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I love that explanation, lol.
Okay, I’ll work on it! This critique has been so helpful! And no, it doesn’t feel too harsh. Thank you for being honest about what I need to fix. Also, I know I need to make this clearer (I don’t explain it in the story at all, just my thought process when I wrote this) but Sef and Lilitu had previous dealings with the Pythonos. Pythonos can use magic, and so Sef and Lilitu felt like they had to hurry before they got too close. I agree though, drama is always better. And now explaining it, it feels really….lame.
I’m glad that we’re able to help! On them having previous dealings, that can actually work, but the readers haven’t seen those previous dealings, so you need to show that somewhere. We’ve seen the Pythonos on many other occasions, but not in any that make it so that they are that much of an immediate threat when your on the run like that. I still think the odor is still better though, because it seems to have become a trademark of the Pythonos almost. The smell of death is when you know that they’re here, and there’s no choice but to run.
UGH. More work. Just kidding, lol😂 Great points! I will let you know once I finish the “extra chapters”, though it might be a while.
I also have changed a lot in my manuscript in the days since I posted this. I made it sort of clear that Lilitu and Sef know each other, and I added another segment on the bottom of the 4th chapter to show Sef’s reaction to the kidnapping. So it’s kind of funny because I’ll change something in my manuscript and then you’ll comment that it needs to be changed but I’ve already sort of changed it so I get past and present mixed up, haha. (hopefully that makes sense?)
Lol, yeah, that is the way of writing. You write a bit, then mean critics come over and tell you to go back and try again, do more, same thing but better😂
I like the addition to chapter 4, it already sets up new intrigue and promises with the reader, setting them on a path to follow Sef’s new life as a foster child.
Great work with everything!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Well, Sef wasn’t at her house when Neveah and Hanna were kidnapped. They were leaving the slums, and were walking down the path. It was a whole “group” thing, if that makes sense.
Oh. I guess I missed that. I really need to read more carefully lol!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOn them having previous dealings, that can actually work, but the readers haven’t seen those previous dealings, so you need to show that somewhere. We’ve seen the Pythonos on many other occasions, but not in any that make it so that they are that much of an immediate threat when your on the run like that. I still think the odor is still better though, because it seems to have become a trademark of the Pythonos almost. The smell of death is when you know that they’re here, and there’s no choice but to run.
I agree with you. I just kind of threw that ending together, haha. And thinking back, the “cliff jumping” scene is a bit cliche. So I might change it, but idk. Once I write the chapters in between it will clear things up a bit I think.
I like the addition to chapter 4, it already sets up new intrigue and promises with the reader, setting them on a path to follow Sef’s new life as a foster child.
Great work with everything!
Thanks, I never knew how hard writing can be! It’s a rollercoaster…sometimes you get depressed because you can’t figure out one sentence and then you get excited because you wrote something “good”. Writing is hard….but it’s a good challenge!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oh. I guess I missed that. I really need to read more carefully lol!
No worries!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thanks, I never knew how hard writing can be! It’s a rollercoaster…sometimes you get depressed because you can’t figure out one sentence and then you get excited because you wrote something “good”. Writing is hard….but it’s a good challenge!
That’s very true! It’s a skill that takes a lot of time to develop, taking in a lot of different ideas from pros, plot, character, and bringing those different ideas into something cohesive is a challenge, but it’s worth it in the end!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@thearcanceaxiom
That’s very true! It’s a skill that takes a lot of time to develop, taking in a lot of different ideas from pros, plot, character, and bringing those different ideas into something cohesive is a challenge, but it’s worth it in the end!
I have a cousin that’s older than me, and he once read my work and said “I bet I could write a book, it can’t be that hard!” I was appalled. How dare he, haha. We started working together on a dystopia. We got 7 pages in, and he told me that he found it boring and had better things to do! Easy, huh?
You really have to stick with it, and actually like writing, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I have a cousin that’s older than me, and he once read my work and said “I bet I could write a book, it can’t be that hard!” I was appalled. How dare he, haha. We started working together on a dystopia. We got 7 pages in, and he told me that he found it boring and had better things to do! Easy, huh?
You really have to stick with it, and actually like writing, lol.
Too true. Personally I really enjoy writing, and consider myself decent, but I happen to be really bad at simply getting it down, dealing with writers block far too often to be practical, but I make it work as a side hobby at least.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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