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@grcr @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @trailblazer @anyone-else
Here’s the 6th chapter! I haven’t posted new ones in a while so I thought I should post my favorite chapter!!!! 😁 It’s really sad but also a little
romantic .Any feedback would be appreciated!Chapter 6: Hiding
Triggers: Abuse, a punch
“Sef!”
Sef heard the door crash open upstairs and began to panic. It was late, and the odds that Iver had not been drinking were next to impossible. She knew she should answer, she knew that hiding would only make him worse, but she was paralyzed with the cold hands of fear.
“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Iver mocked her. His speech was slurred, his voice dangerously low. Sef fought back a sob. He had only to come down the stairs, to look under the bed…and he would find her.
She closed her eyes and curled into a fetal position in the dirt under the bed.
“I’m going to count to five,” Iver growled. “One,” the sound of glass breaking reached the trembling girl under the bed. She covered her ears, willing to blot out the sounds, and the world, which had not been kind to her. Bile rose up into her throat. He had definitely been drinking, and not just a little. Her whole body convulsed with fear until she was sure he could hear her from the floor above her. Iver swore and something else shattered, evading Sef’s hands covering her ears. She knew that she would be the one cleaning the mess up the next morning. “Two,” a door slammed. “I’m going to find you, you know,” he whispered in a singsong voice that was meant to coax Sef out of hiding, but Sef couldn’t have done so even if she wanted to with all her limbs a quivering mess and frozen in fear. “Three,” Sef heard his heavy boots as he descended the steps.
“Please, no,” she whimpered.
“Four,” Sef dared to open one eye and stifled a scream as she found Iver’s cruel grin inches from her face. “Five,” Iver caught her wrist and dragged her out from underneath the bed. Sef squeezed her eyes shut as Iver shook her by the shoulders until her teeth knocked against each other with surprising force and her neck got whiplash. She felt urine trickle down her leg as Iver continued to shake her violently. “I told you to come out,” he screamed at her, and he cursed again. Sef forced a quick nod, but it was too late. As if in slow motion, she saw Iver pull back his fist to swing.
***
Sef sat up and screamed.
For a moment she forgot where she was. As she glanced around like a frightened doe, the chilly night air, the sounds of the forest, and the flames that danced against the darkness snapped her back to reality.
In an instant, Lilitu was at her side.
“What is it? Are you alright?”
Sef numbly nodded. But she was lying.
Lilitu ignored her like the angel he was and cradled her shaking form against his body.
“He can’t hurt you anymore,” his voice was low and he tucked a strand of her soft green hair behind her ear. “I promise I won’t let him hurt you again.” Sef took in a shaky breath. They had grown up so fast…it seemed like only yesterday that her and Lilitu played hide and seek under the cedars around the slums. In a blink of an eye, they were both fifteen, and now their lives seemed so different. She used to see the good in everything, yet now everything was tainted with fear, with pain. Lilitu had changed as well. The immature boy that used to stick out his tongue out at her was now holding her in his arms. Tears pricked her eyes as she wondered how he could be so good to her when others could be so cruel.
Sef stared into the crackling fire with eyes filled with fear. Against her will, tears fell down her face.
“It’s okay to cry,” Lilitu told her, rocking her as if she was a small child. “I’m here.” The words stirred up a feeling in her stomach like the warmth of the fire.
“You should really go back to sleep,” she forced the words out between her chattering teeth. “I’m okay-”
“No!” Lilitu’s voice was sharper than he intended and he felt Sef flinch. “It’s okay to not be okay,” he reassured her. He wished that he could make Sef believe it.
The two stared into the fire until Sef fell asleep, and even then, Lilitu still held her. It was times like these when he hated himself for not holding her before when she needed him most. He somehow blamed himself for the way she had been treated, and he hadn’t noticed. Even when her arms had been wrapped in bandages, he hadn’t bothered to wonder if Sef was lying about how she got the cuts. Somehow, he should have known, he thought. He should have cared more, been better for her.
He gently laid Sef’s head back on the ground and covered her with the blankets that she had thrown off during her dreams. He tossed another log onto the fire before crawling back to his makeshift bed and drifting into sleep. He would need it for the days to come.
When Lilitu opened his eyes, Sef was already up, skinning a rabbit for breakfast.
The sun was barely over the tops of the mountains, and the vibrant colors were breathtaking.
“You’re up early,” he remarked as he uncurled his limbs and stretched. Slipping on his shoes, and grasping his staff firmly in his hand, he stood up and poked the fire with a stick.
“I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep,” her haunted eyes revealed the pain left from years ago. Her eyes shifted to the ugly scar on her forearm and back to Lilitu again.
“Nightmares?”
Sef shook her head. “No, I was just thinking…about before…” Lilitu nodded.
“You don’t have to be afraid of him anymore,” he told her. Yes I do, thought Sef. Iver haunted her dreams, her thoughts, her mind. Although she was miles away from him, she could never really get away from him. He was always there, like a demon possessing her soul. Even Lilitu’s lopsided grin that once had brought her peace and reassurance began to look like Iver’s horrible toothless smile.
Even though Sef knew she was safe (or at least safer than before); Lilitu only reminded her every waking moment-but with Iver haunting her dreams, and the Pythonos’ thirst for their blood, she had a hard time believing it.
She returned to cleaning the fresh meat, which was still steaming against the frigid morning air. Although it was summer, the Folgerian Mountains were never kind to travelers.
Once satisfied with her task, she began to cut the meat into slivers and transfixed the pieces with a sharp point of a stick, leaning them up against some large stones and propping them over the fire to cook.
She sank back down on her makeshift bed that was really just a blanket over the hard ground and watched the meat sizzle as the flames singed the edges.
She heard Lilitu limp away, twigs snapping beneath his boots and the blunt end of his cane jabbing the ground. He was likely going to scout around the edges of the cliffs to be sure the Pythonos weren’t catching up with them. They knew for a fact that they were being hunted by the Pythonos, and that they would be fools to assume that they could shake their pursuers by hiding out in the Folgerian mountains for a few days. Though the diversion Lilitu had set back in Lir had thrown them, they had not given up so easily. Some days Lilitu could see the faint traces of magic that they left behind them, or some days, when the wind was blowing in their direction, even smell the pungent odor of Death.
They knew they could not hide in the mountains long, but after weeks of hiding, and the near-death experience on the Great Folgerian Lake, they were exhausted and worn out and decided to rest for the night. A night turned into two, and two turned into three as they tried to get the courage to press on. Sef and Lilitu both knew they needed to get to Folgeria before the Pythonos did, but the idea of relaxation in the mountains, seemingly safe from harm was awfully appealing.
Sef turned the strips of meat over the fire, bent over at the waist in a vain attempt to quell her hunger. Just thinking of food made her mouth water, let alone seeing meat dangle over the fire before her very eyes. When she lived with Iver, she was fed even less than she was after she had run away with Lilitu.
Thinking of Iver was fuel for the fire of her anger against the Pythonos. If they never took Hanna, then her mother would still be here and she wouldn’t have had to live with her abusive cousin.
She smiled wryly as she remembered how Cassian had carried her all those years ago, gently, tenderly, like an older brother would. For a moment, she had thought it might be alright…but when Iver showed up, claiming to have custody over the orphaned girl, she realized that her nightmare was only beginning.
Two years, she thought, two years she had lived with Iver, too afraid to tell anyone of the pain she suffered, until one day she did something she should have done a long time ago. Run away. Now she was fifteen, and she was getting older and stronger, but not braver, she regretted. She knew she would never be as brave as Lilitu.
Just then Lilitu limped at an amazing speed into the clearing, a wild look on his face, icy blue eyes wide with fear. “We have to go,” his voice was hard as steel. “Now.”
“Pythonos?” Sef’s heart beat faster and faster. Lilitu nodded grimly. Their eyes locked for a moment, exchanging unspoken words.
“Pythonos,” he repeated. Sef’s hand trailed down to the blankets, but Lilitu caught her wrist and transfixed her gaze with his breathtaking blue eyes.
“I can’t run,” he grasped both her hands. “They’ll catch me, but there’s still time for you…save yourself.” Sef narrowed her eyes. Was he serious? She began to laugh.
“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! I’m not leaving you!” At her words, Lilitu sighed.
“It was worth a shot,” he groaned. “So, what’s our strategy?” Sef’s mind was racing too quickly to take notice of his sarcastic comment.
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because you usually have a plan in these situations!” he threw his arms out and wrinkles appeared on his brow. A vein bulged on the side of his neck.
Exasperated, exhausted, and with fear running in her veins, she whipped her head around, desperate. And then she saw the steep edge of the cliff ten paces ahead. It was suicidal, but it was better to die trying to escape than to be captured by the Pythonos. And then she saw the water below…the beautiful Folgerian Sea…the hope that they might survive.
“Okay, you’re gonna hate me for this,” Sef groaned.
“Hate you? Never,” Lilitu gave a wry smile.
“Don’t be sarcastic,” Sef snapped, grabbing his hand and dragging him over to the edge. When he saw the steep drop, and then the water below, his eyes widened and his face blanched.
“You don’t mean…” he glanced at Sef, worriedly.
“Yes, I do,” Sef took a deep breath. “Try not to scream,” she whispered, squeezing Lilitu’s hand, and then she jumped, bidding the world farewell.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok, I’m finally gonna get through the rest of your chapters:
I enjoyed chapter 3. It functions as a proper first chapter (Lilitu is the real main character, right?), all the previous ones seemed more like a series of prologues. This is fine, The Way of Kings, the first book of the Stormlight Archives by Brandon Sanderson did something similar, but his books are massive, and it’s a planned 10 book series, so the set up had to be heavy. So if we’re just meeting the first character now, ignoring the part where we meet him as a baby, then could there be a way to rearrange a few of the chapters before that, so that the information in them is found more spread out in the book? Unless of course, you do intend for this to be something as grand a scale as the Stormlight archive. Even then though, the amount of set up I feel might be unnecessary. Perhaps you could remove the first chapter as you said you might, relabel the second chapter as a prologue, and relabel the prologue as perhaps a prelude? I still really like the first chapter, but perhaps it could be edited, and then put to the side for now, but that’s all up to you.
On the 4th chapter, I realize you still switch perspectives. Are you going to return to any of them, or are you going to continue switching, and there will be multiple main characters? Anyways, I like it. I at first wrongfully assumed that Hanna and Neveah where Lilitu’s sisters, so could there perhaps be a way to better imply that in the 3rd chapter?
Finally I’m up to date now on the fifth. I found this one interesting, but I’m having issues with Ottoline’s character. How does she know her own name? If she was kidnapped as a baby, then raised in a bed for 11 years by people who hated names, and therefore would likely referred to by her name, then how did she remember. Also, how does she know so much? Even being there for 11 years, would the Pythonos really tell her all of that? And my final problem is her overall behavior. If she has been raised on a bed for 11 years ever since she was a baby, then it’s odd that she can speak properly, I would think if anything, she would speak in broken words. She would also be very untrusting, likely never to speak to anyone, even her own room mates. Could it be better if she perhaps said a few broken words, but remained silent when asked anything? What if Neveah tried speaking to her, and her words touched at something deep within Ottoline’s memories, causing her to be more open, and might convey bits and pieces, giving information, but allowing a lot more intrigue, instead of saying everything all at once? Neveah probably would never realize who Ottoline is for a while, but would find kinship in her, but Ottoline would slowly piece it together, the voice too familiar, yet too distant to properly decipher until she finally realizes. Or perhaps Neveah does indeed figure it out first, but what if it was through the gloating of a Pythonos who might be aware of the relationship, mocking Neveah for not recognizing her own sister. There’s a lot of ways you could do this, even some more akin to the path your currently taking, but that’s my two cents on that.
Overall, I’m enjoying it all, and I’m finally ready for whenever you wish to continue posting!
Now, on Andromedan. Thanks for collecting all of that. It will be very helpful for this next step, allow me to organize it all.
On Jordan, what kind of evil are you looking for? More serpentine, or more barbarian, or something else? Perhaps something like Jraldath, or Ssirek to make use of the hiss effect you’ve been using for the pythonos, it would make sense that would make it’s way into their language and names if that’s just how they talk, or perhaps something like Rrath, pronounced like wrath, but with a r trill to sound foreign at least to English ears.
All the consonants you gave:
t l n m r k s p sh b f v z d j g w th
Vowels:
let’s just say it’s English vowels for now.
Ok, so that’s all the sounds you have used so far, is there any others you would like to add? Perhaps one or two non-english sounds to sound less like English to someone that doesn’t speak English, or do you want to stick with that? It’s totally fine if you don’t want to add any non-English, because that’s putting pressure both on you and your readers to pronounce it right, which can be a headache. I’ll link an IPA chart for you to explore different sounds in case your interested anyways:
h ttps://www.ipachart.com/ (copy and delete the space before the h)
Now if that is all said and done, the next step would be to work out basic grammar structure. Do you want it to be like English, Subject Verb Object ex: Sam sees snake, or something different, like Verb Object Subject, ex: Sees snake Sam. Maybe you could sound like Yoda with Object Subject Verb, ex: Snake Sam sees, or any other variation. There’s ways you can break the boundaries of the system as well, some languages have no grammar structure, instead relying on implication, or prefixs/sufixs, or other types of ways to indicate the Subject of focus, the action the Subject is taking, and the Object that is being acted upon. So please feel free to be creative in how information could be transferred, this is a different planet after all.
Alright, so on the magic spells, they all work. Where did you get them from? Are they literal translations from different languages like Latin, because they are reminiscent of that. Mal de immunos calumangan in latin on google translate says bad for the imune system, but I’m assuming that’s not a perfect translation.
Anyways, you should be able to use any of these for swear words. Scisto for example makes sense to be used in this way. “Would you just Scist your big mouth for one moment!” An insulting way to tell someone to stop talking, or something like “Is there anything moving in that Scist brain of yours?” A way to suggest someone is so stupid that there’s nothing going on in their head, it might as well be Scisto.
Dissaros could be a swear word in ways that are particularly offensive, like “He can Dissar away for all I care!” suggesting that the subject in question to be not even worth considering as human or alive, as it can be effected by the spell.
Thanks for your patience with me! I hope this is a good kickoff to get started. Oh, and excuse my potty mouth😂
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Ahh man, I literally just barely missed the next chapter reveal. I guess I’ll have to read it tomorrow🙃
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I think I missed some of the chapters, but I read this one anyway. Needless to say, I didn’t really know what was going on, but I enjoyed it regardless!
One thing that could be improved is right at the end. They decide to jump off the cliff super quickly, but it seems like they still have a bit of time. Most people aren’t going to do something that drastic until all other options are gone. Reading it, I didn’t feel much urgency. Sure Lilitu said the Pythonos were coming, but we can’t see them coming, so they must still be a few minutes away. An easy way to fix that would be to show some sign that they actually are coming, like if the characters can hear them.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI am unsure if I missed a chapter or not. Are we just tossed in with Lilitiu and Sef, or did I miss something important? Anyway, I thought the chapter was great! This line:
They knew for a fact that they were being hunted by the Pythonos,
Feels a bit clunky. But other than that, great!
Signature is limited to 100 characters? That seems awfully unjust. We refuse to be bound by these ru
Thanks for your patience with me! I hope this is a good kickoff to get started. Oh, and excuse my potty mouth😂
Haha! I love this because I can have my characters “swear” in the book without saying actual swear words. I can avoid people thinking the words in their head, and because the made up words have no meaning in reality, I think it the safest option. Thanks a bunch!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I have thought about what you said about the problems with Ottoline’s character, and have decided on a few new things about her history. I was thinking that instead of just the “laboratory”, that they take the Paynes to a work camp to build tools and new technology. Then if they become sick, or get out of line, then the Pythonos punish them by sending them to the UNIT, where they conduct experiments. I redid the 5th chapter, because even before you gave me that advice, I really hated that chapter for some reason. Also, about her knowing her name….when the Pythonos take them to the work camps, they give the children to a “foster parent” that will teach them how to talk and how to do the work and raise them. The foster parents give them a name if they do not already have one.
A backstory: Ottoline has lived in the work camps her whole life until one day she gets sent to the UNIT as punishment for a crime she did not commit, and it is there that she meets Neveah, who has only just arrived (though that’s not in this chapter yet). So they start talking and they keep each other company. My idea is that Neveah and Ottoline are not sisters by blood, but they are sisters in the sense that they care for each other and love each other.
So here’s my revisions to the 5th chapter (notice my use of the “swear words” you helped me develop, haha)
Chapter 5:
“Please, no!” Ottoline whimpered. “I’m sorry,” she stood there trembling, waiting for the slap to come.
“Sssorry?” Jraldath scoffed as a wicked grin stretched across his face. “I don’t think you are,” his voice dropped lower, and Ottoline squeezed her eyes closed.
“You-you c-c-can d-do anything, anything you want to-to me, j-just don’t hurt Windy, he d-didn’t do it, it was-it was m-my fault!” she fought to get the words out between her shaking lips.
“Is that an invitation?” he laughed harshly as he shoved her to the concrete floor. Ottoline said nothing. “Is there anything moving in that ssscist brain of yoursss?” He swore and spat on the girl at his feet. “Oh,” he mocked her, “I forgot. You’re a Payne. Worthlesss, ugly ssstupid girl!” he screamed at her. Ottoline froze. She had heard it all before, and although the words had lost their sting long ago, she knew that every word he was saying about her was true. Every word. And she deserved every slap, every punch, everything Jradath was going to do to her.
“Leave her alone,” she heard Windy scream from across the room. “It was my fault!” Don’t be stupid, Windy, thought Ottoline. It’s only going to make it worse….
Jradlrath laughed again, the sound sending chills through Ottoline. “Then the girl hasss lied. Boy, you’ve only made it worssse for her.” He yanked Ottoline to her feet. If it wasn’t for his claw-like fingers digging into her collarbone and the back of her shoulders, she would have fallen instantly. Her trembling legs could not support her own weight. He removed something from his cloak and stepped behind her. Ottoline didn’t need to see what it was to know instantly. Shackles. He wrenched her hands behind her back and she winced as Jraldath tightened them excessively. As they cut into her wrists, crimson tears dripped down her hands onto the floor.
“Please,” Windy sobbed. “Take me instead, not Ottoline…”
“Ssscist your mouth, boy,” Jraldath growled and began to drag Ottoline across the room.
“Where are you taking her,” Windy sniffled. His voice was weaker, the fire in him gone.
“Ssshe’s going,” Jraldath smirked, “to the UNIT.”
At his words, several gasps filled the room as the horrified prisoners reeled with shock.
“No! He wouldn’t-”
“She’s only a child!”
“Please, have mercy!”
“May the Great One help her…”
But their words had no affect on her fate; their pity wouldn’t make things any better. Ottoline turned to look over her shoulder to see Windy being held back by the prisoners as he fought them. The look in his eyes was one of panic, of anger.
“Ottoline!” he called after her, tears and snot running down his ruddy cheeks.
“Goodbye, Windy,” she whispered, fighting back tears of her own. Jraldath dragged her to the door of the prison yard, punched in code, and then the door swung open. Ottoline took one last look at the room that had been her home for so many years, before the door slammed shut in her face. She shuddered. She was alone with Jraldath, and that was not a pleasant thought.
He dragged her down a damp and dark hallway, dimly lit from the bare light bulbs on the low ceiling. Cell doors lined the walls, each one labeled a different name. Ottoline’s had been P-29813. As they drew farther away from her cell, the numbers grew smaller and smaller. Ottoline kept her head low and showed no sign of emotion. She was going to miss Windy. Although it was his fault she found herself in this predicament, she felt no resentment. She knew that she could handle whatever Jraldath was going to do to her. What she could not handle was the thought of Windy suffering such pain.
She had learned the art of keeping a face of stone, of being silent and never, under any circumstances, resisting the Pythonos. Windy was new to the compound, and there was no time for learning when Jraldath came to take him away. So Ottoline had taken the blame to save him. She hoped that Windy would not blame himself, but judging by the look in his eyes, that was almost inevitable.
A sudden draft tousled her tangled strawberry blonde hair, and Jraldath’s coat rippled in the breeze. Ottoline could tell that they were moving toward the Outside. She had never been Outside in her life, except for maybe once or twice. As far as she could remember, the faint lights above had been her sun, the concrete ceiling her sky.
And with Windy by her side, that was enough.
She could remember the day that the door flew open and a boy was shoved into the cell. He had been crying, his nose was bloody, and a smudge of dirt showed on his left cheek. When the door closed again, she had gone over to Windy, taken him by the hand, and lifted him up with the tenderness of an older sister. Wiping away the dirt and grime from his cheek, she said, “Don’t cry. It’s not so bad here, once you get past the work, and we can be friends. I’m Ottoline.”
“Windy,” he sniffled. Ottoline turned to the other prisoners that had gathered in a semicircle around them. “That’s my ‘mother’, Zahra,” she pointed at a woman hunched over in the corner. “Zahra’s not really my mother,” she explained, “but when I was brought here as a baby, the Pythonos gave me to her so I could learn to do things for myself.” Windy nodded as the tears subsided. “That’s Rayne, and Brayan. They don’t bite,” she gestured at the group before her. She looked into Windy’s violet eyes. “We’re going to be good friends,” she told him,
And they were.
Now the life she knew was left behind within minutes.
She fought to control her trembling body as she was jostled down the stairwell. The frightening grip Jraldath had on her shoulder kept her from tumbling head over heels, however painful it was.
Finally the stairs were over. As Jraldath opened the floor to the stairwell, he looked at Ottoline with a petrifying glare. “Welcome to your new home,” he growled with a wolfish grin. Ottoline shuddered as a new smell hit her full force. Pythonos. This place reeked of them…which meant….Oh, no. There would have to be hundreds down here for them to produce such a pungent odor. And where there were Pythonos…death and pain were soon to follow.
As Jraldath shoved her across the threshold, Ottoline got the feeling she was walking into a living hell, a place of torment, and horrors that would await her.
Little did she know how dead right she was.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I like the revisal. Do you think that the Paynes of the labor camp would use names still, but perhaps only in hushed tones especially around Pythonos?
Anyway, I it is a good introduction to Ottoline’s character. An issue that I’m beginning to see now however is that it still feels like there’s no continuity of characters. Who do the readers connect to? Once they get to know one set of characters, they brought to a new set. Prospective change isn’t a bad thing, and if it’s constant prospective change, that might simply be your way of writing, but it might be a good idea to give a few extra chapters in a row to whoever your intending to be the main character/s. Like if Lilitu is a main prospective, then give him just one more chapter, before moving on to the next prospective, that way the audience knows that this is going to be a prominent character to be followed in the story.
I like the use of Scist. Fantasy swears are an interesting topic. What makes real swears powerful is the power we give them. There is nothing inherently bad about the sounds your making, but there is negative energy through connotation you give it, so when it comes to fantasy swear words, if they catch on enough, and become used as a swear, they might develop that connotation, and become a genuine swear. This is greatly disengaged though, because everyone present knows that it is purely meant to imitate for believability, not intended to be a genuine offence towards anything else given an energy of present reality, and therefore doesn’t develop the same effect.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Do you think that the Paynes of the labor camp would use names still, but perhaps only in hushed tones especially around Pythonos?
Yeah I think so.
An issue that I’m beginning to see now however is that it still feels like there’s no continuity of characters. Who do the readers connect to? Once they get to know one set of characters, they brought to a new set. Prospective change isn’t a bad thing, and if it’s constant prospective change, that might simply be your way of writing,ut it might be a good idea to give a few extra chapters in a row to whoever your intending to be the main character/s. Like if Lilitu is a main prospective, then give him just one more chapter, before moving on to the next prospective, that way the audience knows that this is going to be a prominent character to be followed in the story.
Okay, that makes sense. I’ll work on that!
What are your thoughts on the 7th chapter if you have read it?
Thanks for your help!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Hey, Sara! How are things going? How are you? <3
“Everything is a mountain”
They’re going great, and I’ve been getting so much great feedback on my story? How about you?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’m putting more thought into the 4th chapter. Then I’m going to make it so Lilitu gets 2 chapters. What do you think of the revisal?
Chapter 4: A theif
“Git your grubby fingers off that bread!” Lilitu froze. He looked longingly at the loaf of bread which might as well have been a bar of gold, before turning to face the enraged Azer. He turned to face the man, leaning on his cane for support, subconsciously tucking his twisted foot behind his leg.
“I wasn’t stealing it, mister,” he stammered. “I was…inspecting it, for quality before I bought it!” Lilitu’s stomach knotted. He knew better than anyone he was no good at lying. The man strode closer, towering over the boy.
“Don’t you lie to me, Payne,” he spat on the ground, narrowly missing Lilitu’s dirty feet.
“Alright, I was stealing!” Lilitu puffed out his chest. He would not let the man know how scared he really was. “It’s only because my family is starving. Paynes have to eat too, you know.” Before Lilitu could get his bearings, he was sprawled on the ground gasping for breath. He pressed a hand to his cheek where the man had slapped him, wincing, and looked over in despair as his staff skittered away on the sidewalk.
“No backtalk, boy,” the man kicked him in the ribs for good measure. “Not to me.” Lilitu fought to catch his breath as the air rushed out of his lungs. He pulled himself up to his feet, his chest screaming in pain.
“I’m sorry sir-” he wheezed, clutching his side.
“Sorry doesn’t fix it,” the Azer stuck a flaming palm in Lilitu’s face. Although the heat was intense, Lilitu didn’t back down.
“If you were my boy, I would whip you good,” the Azer’s voice was dangerously low and threatening.
“If I were your son, I would have all the bread I could want and wouldn’t need to be stealing,” Lilitu said, lifting his chin and looking into the bright orange eyes in front of him. He couldn’t help himself. The moment the words came out, he knew it was a mistake.
“You little rat!” the Azer screamed as a ball of fire shot from his hands and engulfed Lilitu’s precious cane. Lilitu burned with anger as his only method of transportation burned before his eyes. The Azer must have seen the horrified look on Lilitu’s face because he chuckled in satisfaction, and the flame burned hotter in his palm as hot air singed Lilitu’s nose. He slowly stood up, fighting the urge to cry out in pain as half his weight was placed on his bad foot. He placed two agate stones in the man’s palm, praying that the Azer wouldn’t comment on his three missing fingers. The flames vanished, and the man’s greedy fingers closed around the coins.
“Just because you were stealing from me, you get a half loaf.” The Azer’s orange eyes glittered with greed.
Lilitu sighed, defeated. The coins were all he had. Azazel had told him to only use them as an emergency, but Lilitu and his family were starving, and if that wasn’t an emergency, he didn’t know what was.
“Like I said, we’re starving,” he pleaded, tears of desperation pricking his eyes. He forced them back into his eyes. He knew never to show emotion when he was treated this way, especially by Azers. They could easily lose their tempers as this one had, and the consequence had been the loss of one of the only thing that Lilitu needed to survive.
“As if I care,” the man turned up his nose. “Get out of here before I change my mind!” Lilitu didn’t need to be told twice. He took half of the loaf of precious bread, and began to turn away. But the final half loaf of bread caught his eye again, glittering and glowing with the promise of a full stomach that Lilitu had not the pleasure of experiencing since the Pythonos took over. His right hand itched in his pocket, pulled to the forbidden bread like a magnet to iron.
He did the logical thing. When the Azer wasn’t looking, he simply snatched the other half and stuffed it down his shirt, tucking it into his waistband of his jeans.
He limped down a dark alley, every step in agony, and braced his back against a wall to rest.
“Hey,” a voice spoke from next to him. He let out a screech before he had time to stifle it. He whirled around to see a girl his height leaning against the wall beside him.
“Liv!” He glared at her. “Don’t scare me like that!”
“I’m fine, thanks for asking,” she raised an eyebrow. “Has it really taken you this long to learn that I frequently pop up here and there?” she shrugged, and flipped her waist long midnight blue hair over her shoulder. She gestured to Lilitu’s bulging waist band. “You grow a tumor, or is that stolen?” He scoffed.
“It’s bread.” He reached down his shirt and removed it to show to Liv. “I stole it from Adar.” Livia winced.
“I’m assuming that didn’t go as planned, given the bruises, the blisters, and the barbequed hair.” he grimaced.
“He burned my staff.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” he frowned.
“Well, look on the bright side,” she shrugged again, “you can always steal a new one.”
“Next time,” Lilitu fingered the charred hair on his scalp, “It might be my face.”
“I wish you’d let me help you,” her face softened. “My father has money; he wouldn’t even notice if it….mysteriously disappeared.” Lilitu shook his head.
“That would be putting you in danger. What if you got caught? No, I have to do it myself. It’s almost too dangerous for you to even talk to me.”
“Livia!” the faint cry interrupted their thoughts.
“That’s Mother,” she frowned. “I better go.” she turned around to face him again. “Think about my offer.” and with that, she was gone.
Lilitu shook his head. Liv had been trying to force her money on him ever since they met. Her father was a filthy rich Aquino that lived in the city. It was likely true that he wouldn’t miss a couple sapphires, but what if Liv was caught associating with him? Either her family would accuse Lilitu of stealing the money, or Liv would be in big trouble. And what if her family took it to the Pythonos? He shuddered. He might disappear like so many others before, and he couldn’t risk that.
Liv was such a good friend, he realized. She never thought of herself.
He stretched out his twisted foot. It was proof that Aquino blood ran in his veins….the foot was completely blue, and he had a series of cerulean birthmarks, and a blue streak in his dark black hair.
He wished that he had known his real parents…instead they left him to survive the cruel world on his own. He would have died were it not for Azazel. Their choice affected him to this day.
He looked up at the setting sun, and decided that he had better put his stolen bread to good use and fill his family’s stomachs.
He painstakingly eased up to his feet, and began the painful limp home.
He could only hope he didn’t run into any more Azers on his way.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I like the new character you introduced in chapter 4. I don’t think you shared a chapter 7 yet, but I started chapter 6, but it seemed like there was some kind of gap, where the characters are somewhere different without explanation. Is that intentional?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Oh, sorry, it is chapter 6!
Well, two years have passed, and Sef has been abused, so that changes her personality a little bit. They both get older and more mature. What do you mean by different, like personality?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok, I finished it, and it did mention that they were older, so it’s clear that a lot has changed, but this is still a similar issue with the one I posed earlier. We might be starting to follow the same characters now, but your darting around there own stories too much. The last we saw of Lilitu was the boy limping home, then finds out that people he knew were taken by the Pythonos. You hop to Sef’s prospective, to show this particular event, then you follow Neveah and Ottoline’s prospective to show where they went. So this is a lot going on, but still manageable, however, when we go back to Sef and Lilitu, the readers are suddenly disoriented, because your telling them that Sef and Lilitu are suddenly in the forest together, suddenly on the run from the Pythonos, then midway, we realize this is many years later. A jump like this isn’t only disorienting, but completely tosses out the promises you gave the readers earlier. The readers are going to expect to see both Lilitu’s and Sef’s reactions to the loss. They will also now be expecting to see Neveah’s and Ottoline’s experience in the Unit. You set these things as promises you would pay off in the next chapter, but instead, you completely skip over it all, jumping into a completely different scenario in both time and space and no one was given any indication that it was going to happen.
Think of it like your giving your readers a plate with a cheeseburger, but when they reach out to grab it, you pull it away, and throw a burrito at them. Sure burrito’s are great, but the readers were excited for that cheeseburger, and maybe a burrito is better served pushed towards them on a plate, instead of thrown at their face. I hope that makes any sense😂
Both @jonas and @highscribeofaetherium indicated that they thought they missed a chapter or two after reading that one, because it is such a drastic jump. You want to get on with the story, when they are older, which is reasonable, but perhaps you could add at the very bottom least one chapter in-between, that follows the events following the kidnapping, and what lead to Sef being taken, and what lead to her and Lilitu’s relationship (it was never even indicated that they had known one another until this chapter), and what lead to them suddenly being pushed to hiding. I honestly think you should do three or more chapters here, to properly connect the dots of the story. You want a continuous narrative the readers can follow, and they can see how the events from before lead to and are effecting the events now, and how that is bringing them slowly towards some narrative destination, even if they don’t know what that destination is.
I hope none of this feels too harsh. The chapter itself works great on its own, it just feels very out of place (in the end, this could be intentional on your part, wanting to confuse the readers to make sudden moments of clarity and payoff, but that’s really hard to do right without simply making the readers feeling nothing but confusion or feel ripped off). I do second Jonas’s thoughts though, that perhaps you should indicate the severity of the moment better before they jump off the cliff, perhaps with the Pythonos visibly behind them, or a hard push of odor washing over them, indicating that they were moments behind or something. Otherwise Sef might of tried taking a few more moments to think about other options.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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