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@savannah_grace
Ok! Got it!
A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.
@trailblazer @thearcaneaxiom @acancello @anyone-else-interested:)
if you’re interested, here’s some of my writing if you wanted to give me feedback 🙂 if you don’t want to that’s okay, its just I’m trying to get beta readers to critique what I have so far before I move on to any other chapters.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I have just read the prologue, and yes, it is very much just the events of the fall, but still intriguing. I’m curious, since this is referred to as Earth and Andromeda, are these not just allegorically, but literally the events of Adam and Eve, just called by different names, then upon being written, oral tradition shifted it too much already to what we recognize today? Or perhaps this is a completely different time entirely, where perhaps it is a time repeats itself kind of story. This version of the fall happens, along with other biblical events and such, then finally it all goes back to paradise, and it starts with Adam and Eve this time, or something like that? Or is it simply an parallel reality of Earth, where there isn’t Adam and Eve, just this version of the fall. Or is this not Earth and Andromeda at all, just approximations of those to connect to the readers or something?
Now, if it is ok with you, I’ll move on to criticisms.
The 7 races felt like a classic elemental system, which is fine, but you also info dumped it. I would suggest talking about the unique aspects of each later, and spread out as we meet each race. It can be all at once, but you can hide it better, perhaps through a character explaining it to another ignorant character, with more dialogue in-between or something, but the first option would be the safest.
Now the narrative itself was interesting. If this was any other story, it would feel very shallow and lazy. This of course was intentional on your part, because you were trying to convey that Rishona has never felt simple basic negative emotions, so the simplest nudges had easy influence over her, like a storm easily nocking over a tree with no deep roots, because it never needed them before. The issue I have with this is that it still comes off as melodramatic, which is usually bad, but should be good in this case, but because of bad just by association. This I think seems like a very fun writing challenge, dealing with such a character, and I think you handled it well, but I think there could be more ways you could tweak it to feel less melo, and more like she is akin to an innocent child faced by temptation, if that makes sense.
Those are my thoughts for now, forgive my over analysis. It is fun writing so far, and I’ll try to continue reading through the next few chapters and give my thoughts over time.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
okay i’m gonna attempt to quote, something I’ve never done before so bear with me if this doesn’t make sense at all:
[quote quote=156094] I’m curious, since this is referred to as Earth and Andromeda, are these not just allegorically, but literally the events of Adam and Eve, just called by different names, then upon being written, oral tradition shifted it too much already to what we recognize today? Or perhaps this is a completely different time entirely, where perhaps it is a time repeats itself kind of story. This version of the fall happens, along with other biblical events and such, then finally it all goes back to paradise, and it starts with Adam and Eve this time, or something like that? Or is it simply an parallel reality of Earth, where there isn’t Adam and Eve, just this version of the fall. Or is this not Earth and Andromeda at all, just approximations of those to connect to the readers or something? .[/quote]
Oh wow I never thought about it like that! I was just thinking that the prologue would be how the world of Andromeda took a turn and how evil was let into the world. No, Earth and Andromeda don’t represent Adam and Eve, they’re just two different worlds. I’m not sure if that answered your question, but I think that’s what you were trying to ask?
[quote quote=156094] The 7 races felt like a classic elemental system, which is fine, but you also info dumped it. I would suggest talking about the unique aspects of each later, and spread out as we meet each race. It can be all at once, but you can hide it better, perhaps through a character explaining it to another ignorant character, with more dialogue in-between or something, but the first option would be the safest. [/quote]
Okay, I totally agree with you that I info dumped it! I wasn’t sure how to imply that the people in this world are very different from humans without doing that, but I think if I spread it out as we meet each race like you said it will for sure go a lot smoother!
[quote quote=156094] If this was any other story, it would feel very shallow and lazy. This of course was intentional on your part, because you were trying to convey that Rishona has never felt simple basic negative emotions, so the simplest nudges had easy influence over her, like a storm easily nocking over a tree with no deep roots, because it never needed them before. The issue I have with this is that it still comes off as melodramatic, which is usually bad, but should be good in this case, but because of bad just by association. This I think seems like a very fun writing challenge, dealing with such a character, and I think you handled it well, but I think there could be more ways you could tweak it to feel less melo, and more like she is akin to an innocent child faced by temptation, if that makes sense. Those are my thoughts for now, forgive my over analysis. It is fun writing so far, and I’ll try to continue reading through the next few chapters and give my thoughts over time.[/quote]
I think I know what you meant by the melodramatic parts, but to make sure I’m clear on what you mean can you give me an example in my story/a scene where I did this (sorry, I’m kind of a “visual” learner) so I don’t “fix” the wrong thing?
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this helpful feedback! Finally I get someone to help me fix the problems haha! I feel like i’m talking with an actual editor, lol! I am so excited for your critiques in the next chapters!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333um apparently i did something wrong, hope this still makes sense? sorry, this was my first time quoting someone…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The way I usually quote is to copy the section you’re quoting. Paste it in as a separate paragraph and hit the quote symbol (next to the italics symbol.)
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI should have done that but I saw other KP users quoting people with “green lines”, I know I sound like a little kid, haha but idk how else to explain it! So I clicked ‘quote’ and you can see what happened 🤦♀️
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The process I described would also give you green lines.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books@cloakedmystery
really???? i’m gonna try it…
The process I described would also give you green lines.
i hope it works lol
*me casually making a fool out of myself on KP but oh well its ok 😂*
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@jonas sorry got your tag wrong
how did i forget that, i knew it was @jonas !??!? sorry i’m tired. Which is weird since it’s not even 9 yet where i live!
THE QUOTE THINGY…IT WORKED!!! THANK YOU!!!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by .
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@thearcaneaxiom : I’m sorry I made that look so confusing!
thanks @jonas for helping me!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333No worries about the quotes, it’s legible!
Oh wow I never thought about it like that! I was just thinking that the prologue would be how the world of Andromeda took a turn and how evil was let into the world. No, Earth and Andromeda don’t represent Adam and Eve, they’re just two different worlds. I’m not sure if that answered your question, but I think that’s what you were trying to ask?
Oh, sorry, I didn’t entirely mean it that way, though that would also be a potential narrative that could be intriguing. I’m talking about the events themselves, like Rishona isn’t only an allegory for Eve, but is literally Eve, then the story turned from what you presented into what is now recognized as the book of Genesis. If Rishona isn’t Eve, then what does that mean of Earth, as Adam and Eve were the characters of the fall on Earth, so do those events still take place?
Okay, I totally agree with you that I info dumped it! I wasn’t sure how to imply that the people in this world are very different from humans without doing that, but I think if I spread it out as we meet each race like you said it will for sure go a lot smoother!
From what you’ve explained, it should be pretty easy to imply, even show directly. There isn’t really a need to tell the readers anything here. Just have a scene where a character that can influence water, well, just influence some water, then maybe have someone say, ‘ohhh, your an Aquinos!’. Your readers will get the idea very fast from that sort of thing, no infodump required.
I think I know what you meant by the melodramatic parts, but to make sure I’m clear on what you mean can you give me an example in my story/a scene where I did this (sorry, I’m kind of a “visual” learner) so I don’t “fix” the wrong thing?
Hmmm, the first major example is simply when Rishona experiences anger for the first time:
“Ahh, yes, I suppose you wouldn’t know,” he said airily. Rishona bristled at his mocking tone. Her stomach clenched, and her blood boiled hot in her veins, her heart beating faster and faster. What was this emotion, she wondered. She had never felt this way before. Never before could she recall such tension. This was Anger, though she did not know it at the time.
It’s really hard when it comes to things being melodramatic, because those can be some of our favorite parts where we try to express our pros at their height. One problem I think that often causes things to be melodramatic, and is apparent here, is timing and word choice. Rishona gets really upset really fast, and this is also conveyed in very flowery language. You clearly prefer more flowery and dramatic pros, which is great, however, you got to know when and when not to use it. In this scene, you make it clear that it is meant to feel dramatic, using phrases like ‘blood boiled hot in her veins’, but the readers aren’t going to feel that, because they haven’t been given a reason to justify any level of anger in Rishona, other than the stranger making evasive answers to her questions. This might leave someone frustrated, but not to the point that blood begins to boil. Now again, the issue here is that Rishona is an unique case. How do you write a character that easily bends to negativity because of lack of experience without making them feel melodramatic.
If this were me, I would cut out some of the flowery language, because though it can be good for a dramatic scene, it should be held off a bit, I still might keep a little here and there though. You do want to present the sudden spike of anger still, but perhaps another way is to show what she’s thinking, instead of telling us how angry she is. (That’s another thing to be aware of, show don’t tell can actually tie to this.)
Here’s how I might do it:
“Ahh, yes, I suppose you wouldn’t know,” he said airily. The dismissive comment triggered something within Rishona. I hate you. She suddenly thought. The idea piercing her mind. What was that? She stopped, surprised by herself. Hate? What does that word even mean? It sounded dark, yet passionate to her…
Now, this is almost a complete rewrite, but that’s because that’s how I would write something like that. You seem to like more flowery language, which is awesome, so absolutely use that to your heart’s content, simply keep refining it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this helpful feedback! Finally I get someone to help me fix the problems haha! I feel like i’m talking with an actual editor, lol! I am so excited for your critiques in the next chapters!
Your welcome! I am happy to give my thoughts on almost anything. Just please don’t take my word as any genuine authority. I am still a learning writer myself, and have simply become very opinionated about it, allowing me to at least give the appearance of good editing. I could very well be delusional, and the rewrite I did of that one paragraph may even be more melodramatic than before. Either way, your the writer, and this is your story, so while it’s useful to have good editing, just remember that you have final say. (Btw, if I’m being an editor, I might as well point out that you said world instead of word when Rishona said Magick.)
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
No worries! Making my display name different from my tag was sure to mess some people up.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYes, Rishona does represent Eve in the prologue. And I do agree that I use flowery language excessively. I love your ideas, because you have helped me realize things about myself I never have before!
And about the paragraph you wrote….
“Ahh, yes, I suppose you wouldn’t know,” he said airily. The dismissive comment triggered something within Rishona. I hate you. She suddenly thought. The idea piercing her mind. What was that? She stopped, surprised by herself. Hate? What does that word even mean? It sounded dark, yet passionate to her…
Wowww I love this! And it fits so well with my story, too! I get it now what you meant by “melodramatic”.
(Btw, if I’m being an editor, I might as well point out that you said world instead of word when Rishona said Magick.)
Thanks, I’ll fix that 🙂
Can’t wait to see your opinions on the next chapters!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333“What is magick?” She tested out the foreign world, mulling it over in her mind.
“Ahh, yes, I suppose you wouldn’t know,” he said airily. Rishona bristled at his mocking tone. Her stomach clenched, and she ground her teeth as her jaw hardened defiantly. What was this emotion, she wondered. She had never felt this way before. Never before could she recall such rigidness of her body, such tension in her muscles, such lack of self control…
“I am your queen!” she said coldly. “Have you no respect?”
Is this better?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333 -
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