- This topic has 336 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 3 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Yeah, I agree. Though if you told me a month ago to start over, I’d be horrified, lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@jonas @thearcaneaxiom @anyone-else
So here’s the first chapter of my revisions to the Andromeda book…ready for critiquing!
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
Newborn light sifted between the windows, piercing the darkness.
Through the smudged glass, Sef could see the Andromedan sunrise, she could see the indigo trees dancing as the wind pushed them to and fro.
The morning was beautiful, and it called Sef to join its frolicking.
And oh, how she wanted to. She longed to dash outside and shed the confines of the small run down house she lived in, and she wanted to run, she wanted to feel the cool morning dew under her feet, she wanted to fly over the fresh green grass, she wanted to run and run and never stop.
Instead, Sef quietly climbed out of bed. She felt the cool floorboards under her bare feet as she tiptoed down the hall to her mother’s room. Easing the door open a crack, she peered through the darkness.
Neveah was still asleep. Her verdant skin had faded in pigment, giving her the appearance of a faint green shadow against the stark white of the cotton pillows. Her green hair was tangled and covered the pillow like a blanket of its own, and she had the covers pulled up to her chin.
Though her face displayed utter restfulness and peace, Sef was not fooled. If anyone was to look closer, they would see the faint wrinkles on Neveah’s forehead, the droplets of sweat adorning her cheeks, the way her eyebrows pushed together as if pondering some deep problem.
Sef quietly pulled the door closed, worry striking a searing flame in the pit of her stomach. She was worried about her mother.
For weeks now, Neveah had been too tired to get out of bed until the late hours of the morning, which was alarming enough, considering that Neveah always awoke before sunrise; she used to be awake when all of Andromeda had still been under the cover of darkness. And then there was her mother’s eyes-now they always seemed tired and sad, even when she was smiling. Her voice always sounded tired, weak, even.
Neveah would lay in bed in a dark room for most of the day, asking Sef to read to her from their small collection of old books held together with duck tape, to sing to her.
It was up to Sef to clean the house now, sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, even cooking the meals. Of course, Sef didn’t mind at all helping her mother. But whenever she drew the broom across the floor, it reminded her of her mother’s absence, of the fact that Neveah was not well enough to even perform a task such as this.
And what bothered her the most was that Neveah continued to claim that all was well. That she was not sick, that she was “fit as a fiddle”.
This not only made Sef worry more, but a faint trace of anger burned in her heart as well. Did her mother really think that by withholding the truth, that Sef would worry less? Neveah was all Sef had. Sef had no father, no relatives, and no siblings. If her mother was sick, or going to die, Sef deserved to know; no, she needed to know.
Now Sef went to the cupboards, and removed a large pot, cringing at the clattering sound it made.
No matter how hard she tried to be silent, her touch was always too hard-or soft, her movements all at the wrong time.
She went to the sink and filled the pot with water, internally groaning at the loud noise the running water made. She tried to adjust the flow so only a few drops could come out of the faucet at a time, but that only made the noise worse, and so she could only hope that her mother would not be disturbed.
She reached for the sack of oats in the corner that was sitting upon the chipping counter, and emptied them into the pot. Then she went over to he stove and twisted the knob, placing the pot on the burner.
They would have a solid breakfast of oatmeal this morning. The only thing that would make it better, Sef knew, would be fresh milk, but if she thought they could afford milk, she was sorely mistaken. Between Neveah’s few agates she earned from her work at the factory and Sef’s odd jobs in Lir, they barely had enough to make ends meet. Even so, the ends always seemed to fall short. The “ends” were fraying, slowly, and Sef wasn’t sure how long they could last like this.
But she wouldn’t let herself be concerned with such things. Not with her mother sick. She had enough on her mind.
The oatmeal in the pot began to boil, and Sef knew it would only be a few moments before breakfast was ready. She stirred the pot in a clockwise motion, so the oatmeal would not scorch.
Finally, the oatmeal came to a rolling boil, Sef moved to the cupboard and removed two bowls, one for herself, and one for Neveah.
Carefully ladling the piping hot oatmeal into the bowls, she made sure to put equal amounts in both bowls.
“Good morning, Sef,” Sef nearly jumped out of her skin as her mother’s voice spoke from behind her. Sef whirled around in surprise. Neveah smiled, and leaned on the edge of the counter for a moment.
“What are you doing up?” Sef asked, confused. “I was going to bring your breakfast to you, like normal.”
Neveah shook her head. “I thought I’d eat breakfast with you today, my love.”
“Alright,” Sef tilted her head to the side, taking a bowl in each hand and carefully walking to the table, eyes fixed on her precious cargo so as not to spill even a drop. They couldn’t afford to waste anything. Finally, Sef sat down across from Neveah at the wooden table, and slid Neveah’s bowl across the table to her.
The table was rough, splintery, and had clearly seen better days, but Sef was just grateful they didn’t have to eat on the ground. They were fortunate compared to some.
The table always held a special place in Sef’s mind. It reminded her of her father, who had been gone for two months. He had said that he was going to find a better job, perhaps he would be able to earn more money to support his wife and child across the Godede Waters, in the country of Rippak. He promised to be back in two weeks time, but he had never returned.
And the table reminded her of him, for he had carved his signature into the tabletop. Your father was good with his hands, Neveah would say, and her eyes would get that faraway look, as if looking into an imaginary sunset, He could mold the wood like clay, he could sing the wood into whatever he desired.
Sef used to run her fingers across the carving, carefully tracing every looping letter as if doing so would bring him back across the ocean from all those miles away.
Of course it never did.
Neveah smiled and stretched her thin hands across the table. Sef smiled back and slipped her hands in her mothers’. They both bowed their heads and closed their eyes.
“Father,” Neveah began, “Thank you for blessing us with this meal. Please grant us peace, and when we sin in secret, let that be brought to the light. We love you, O Great One.”
“Honor and glory forever,” Sef finished.
“Honor and glory forever,” repeated Neveah.
They began to eat in silence. And Sef enjoyed every moment of it. It had been weeks since Neveah had felt well enough to get up this early, it had too long since they had shared a meal together.
Too long.
How she had missed her mother. It was like she had been hungry for her mother’s presence so long she didn’t realize how hungry she was until she tasted food.
“You didn’t have to get up, you know,” Sef kept her eyes on the rough surface of the table. “You could have rested a while.”
“Sef,” Neveah put her hand over Sef’s, and made Sef look at her. “I’m not an invalid. You don’t have to treat me like one.” she smiled.
“I’m sorry,” Sef mumbled.
“Don’t apologize,” her mother lifted her chin. “I wanted to thank you for helping me around the house.”
“You’re welcome,” Sef said, and then looked back at the table.
“No,” Neveah said sternly, gently cupping her chin. Sef looked into Neveah’s piercing green eyes again. “I am not sick. Don’t worry about me.” And she smiled again. This time, Sef noticed, this time the smile looked real. Still, though, Neveah’s eyes seemed cloudy, tired.
“But-” Sef began.
“Do you trust me?” Neveah said. Sef nodded. “I have something to tell you.” Sef’s stomach knotted. “But I have to know-can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret to protect me, to protect the ones you love?”
“I swear it,” Sef breathed. Her mind was racing, desperately trying to find what the secret could possibly be.
“Do you promise?” Neveah said. Sef nodded. Neveah sighed, and her face caught the light, giving her a look of rapture. “I am not sick…but you are right when you think that I have been different.” she paused and looked at Sef, and this time her smile was one of pure joy.
Gone was the sickly appearance, the weak look in her eyes, not once did her voice waver. “I have been tired, yes. Because I am going to have a child.” She laughed, and the music filled the whole room. “You, Sef, are going to be an older sister.”
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Seems like a strong first chapter. I don’t have any feedback apart from that.
So this would be Sef and Lillitu’s book, correct? Imagining it, this structure should work really well! At the end of this one, you should have a epilogue with Neveah as a teaser for the next one.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThanks! I was actually really happy with this scene, I think it’s one of my best.
Yes, it would be Sef and Lilitu’s book. I have four chapters of that one so far, but I didn’t want to spam you guys, lol.
Yeah, I was planning to do either Neveah or Ottoline for the “teaser”, though Neveah’s would make more sense.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I didn’t want to spam you guys, lol.
Yeah, thanks. If you scatter the rest throughout the week, I should have time to read them, but yeah, four appearing at once would be panic inducing, lol.
Yeah, I was planning to do either Neveah or Ottoline for the “teaser”, though Neveah’s would make more sense.
You could do both in it, but it probably should have Neveah, because the reader will care more about finding out what happened to her, than hearing about Ottoline, who they’ve never seen before.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Booksfour appearing at once would be panic inducing, lol.
Inserts “panik” meme
lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Should I post the next one later today, or wait until tomorrow?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I wouldn’t mind, but I probably wouldn’t be able to read it today. I also am not sure if anyone else has gotten a chance to read Ch 1 yet.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI agree with Jonas, this is a really great start! It’s a much more hopeful beginning too, while there may be uncertainty. I don’t have much to say either, other than the fact that “fit as a fiddle” is an English idiom, and would be very unlikely to be seen elsewhere, but that can very easily be fixed or even ignored. You can say something similar with the oats and milk, but that can be more easily shrugged off, being simply an aspect of the world being similar to Earth. Those are just worldbuilding points though, narrative-wise, it’s really well done!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Should I post the next one later today, or wait until tomorrow?
I’m good with whatever you decide!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Here’s chapter 2, if you can’t read it today, that’s fine.
Chapter 2: Euphoria
Sef’s hands flew to her mouth to stifle a scream.
She wanted to sing, scream, cry, dance for joy.
Her mother was not sick. And she was going to have a little brother or sister!
“Really?” Sef squeaked, smiling so hard her cheeks ached, and tears of joy threatened to spill down her cheeks. A new baby! Neveah was smiling too.
“Yes, really,” she laughed. And then her face grew serious. “You must never tell anyone.” Sef nodded. “You know what will happen if the Pythonos find out,” her voice dropped to a whisper, and Sef nodded quickly. “You must never tell anyone,” Neveah repeated. “Not even Lilitu, not even Indie, or Cassian or Azazel, or Eloy. No one. Our very lives depend on it.” Sef blinked rapidly. She felt so grown up, being trusted with a secret, but more than that, she felt a sense of fear. Fear that she was not ready, that she was not ready to keep the secret. That she would let her mother down. As if reading her thoughts, Neveah continued, “I trust you. You’re a big girl now.”
“Are you still going to be so tired?” Sef asked. But now, even if Neveah was to stay in bed all day and never come out, Sef knew that it would not matter. She would clean the whole house without complaining, she didn’t care now how much work she would have to do. She now was reassured that her mother would be fine, more than fine, because she was carrying a child. The very thought gave Sef goosebumps.
“Yes, a little,” Neveah said, “though the first months are always the hardest. I think I’ll be able to be up and about earlier now. I do hate being in bed all day, doing nothing. It feels like I’m a bird in a cage, looking out, longing to be free…”
Sef suddenly stood up and reached for the broom.
“What are you doing?” asked Neveah, tilting her head to the side.
“We have to tidy the house for the new baby!” Sef explained, furiously sweeping. And then Neveah began to laugh. “What?” Sef asked, her cheeks flushing as she paused mid stroke.
“The baby’s not coming for another seven months, and besides, what’s the baby going to care if our floors are a little dusty?” Neveah laughed again.
“Oh,” Sef laughed at herself. “I’m just so excited now!” She bounced on the balls of her feet, not able to stay in one spot for too long with such potent emotion coursing through her veins.
“Me, too,” Neveah said, “Our house will be whole, complete,” and then part of the joy seemed to face from her features. “Well, almost.”
Sef knew what she meant. Ever since her father left, the house was too empty, too quiet. Her father’s absence left an unfillable hole in both their hearts…a hole only a person could fill. How can a single man mean so much to us? Sef wondered.
Sef went to her mother and wrapped her arms around her, leaning her head on her shoulder.
“I miss him too,” she whispered. Neveah reached up and covered Sef’s hand with her own.
“Thank you,” she said, closing her eyes and slowly swaying back and forth on the chair. And then she sniffed a little. “I keep thinking he’ll come back,” her voice sounded strained, “Sometimes I forget he’s gone. I’ll come home expecting to see him; I’ll expect him to walk in the door with that impish grin on his face.” And then tears were falling down her face. Sef could feel Neveah’s shuddering breaths against her. “I told him to stay, ‘Nico,’ I told him, ‘Nico, please stay, what if something happens, it’s not safe.’ I was right.” Her voice broke. “And every day I miss him, every day I remember that it was my fault; I could have made him stay.”
For a moment, the room was silent except for Neveah’s faint sobs.
“Maybe he’ll still come back,” Sef said. “When he comes home, he’ll see his new child, and then he’ll be sorry he missed it all.”
But they both knew that the world was more likely to stop turning on its axis than her father to walk through the doorway. Somehow, they both knew that he was gone.
And so Sef sat next to her mother, and together they let the tears fall.
They cried for the loss of the person that made their world complete. They cried tears of joy for the new life inside Neveah. Tears of joy, tears of grief spilled down their cheeks, mixing together to make a beautiful harmony, the most bittersweet of bittersweet moments.
***
Sef walked down the street. She lifted her steps higher, she seemed to bounce from one foot to the other, not able to contain herself.
It was all she could do not to run up to every person, shake them by the shoulders, and scream, we’re going to have a new baby!
Instead, she kept walking. She wanted to tell everyone, no, she needed to tell someone. She needed to tell someone, or she would burst from the sheer euphoria of it all. But instead of telling someone, Sef knew she would need a better outlet. An outlet that would not result in the Pythonos stealing the baby the moment it came out of the womb.
What I need, Sef knew, is a run.
Unfortunately, a run was not on her list of priorities for the day. She had to get to the sorting bins to try to earn some more agates. With a baby on the way, they had to scrap up any extra money they could find. Maybe if she worked for about five hours, she might get enough agates to buy two days’ worth of bread. Every saved agate was worth a million, especially when they lived in such uncertain times.
As the humans say on Earth, Neveah would remind Sef, a penny saved is a penny earned.
Sef would have wholeheartedly agreed with the saying, had she known what a penny was.
She wondered if Lilitu would be at the sorting piles, but it was likely he wouldn’t be. His twisted foot made it hard for him to navigate the treacherous piles of trash, and you couldn’t be clumsy around the piles. One wrong move, and you’d have a piece of glass speared through the foot.
She wondered what he was doing right now.
Sef hoped that he wasn’t getting himself into trouble, as he always did.
But she knew he likely was.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I haven’t read it yet, but what I immediately thought is, do these have to be separate chapters? It looks like both are Sef chapters, and neither is particularly long, so I don’t see any specific reason to separate them. Like I said, I haven’t read it yet, so maybe there is one.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI like this chapter as well! So for some reason I thought that the Andromedans were not aware of Earth, but if they are, and even know some random facts about it’s current modern day, including some sayings, then Fit as a Fiddle could become a common saying there.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I was thinking the same thing actually. They’re both pretty short, so perhaps you could add a chapter break, but even that isn’t necessary. I know why you did it, in order to have the chapter end on a good emotional climax, so I’d say you can do it either way, but it can still function as one whole scene.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I like this chapter as well!
Thanks!
Yeah, I just wanted the chapter to end on an emotional climax. I kind of wanted short chapter breaks, because I don’t like it how in books some authors make like 40 page long chapters. I kind of like it in two different chapters for some reason.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.