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Did your mentor give you any suggestions? Because I think that it’s not good to only give negative feedback without any positive feedback or suggestions on how to fix the negative feedback.
That’s what gets a little frustrating with him. He finds flaws, and he tells me what they are but never tells me exactly how to fix them. If he does, it’s more of a command. “Don’t word it like this, don’t say this…etc.”
So yeah, I guess all your characters are in pretty depressing situations: Neveah’s storyline opens with her being kidnapped, Sef’s story opens with her mother being kidnapped and herself ending up in abuse, Lilitu’s story opens with him being beaten and heavily focuses on Sef’s story, Ottoline’s story opens with her being in the UNIT, and Marcurious’ story begins with him being captured and taken to the UNIT. What I’m wondering is is there a way to start out the story so that they aren’t like this?
I’ve been thinking about this. What if I replaced Sef’s abuse with the desire to know a loving and kind father? She wants to be loved by him and feels abandoned by him. The reason I had her be abused is to show that God (or in this case, the Great One) can heal broken hearts and he has perfect love. This can still happen if her main conflict is missing her father. This would present the message that a father figure is important for every child to have. That way she still has a little conflict but it’s not as severe as being abused and won’t be as heavy.
I can probably think of more but I have to go get ready for church soon.
Don’t get discouraged! I want to say that no matter how flaws it has, I think that the idea for your story is good, so even if you have to change it a thousand times, you should keep at it!
Thank you! That means a lot, XD
You’ve reminded me that I need to pray about my story more. For a while I’d pray that God would give me the words He wants me to say, and that helped me a lot. But when I stop praying every time I write, I find myself running into walls left and right. So thank you!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333The reason I had her be abused is to show that God (or in this case, the Great One) can heal broken hearts and he has perfect love. This can still happen if her main conflict is missing her father. This would present the message that a father figure is important for every child to have. That way she still has a little conflict but it’s not as severe as being abused and won’t be as heavy.
That could work. And Ottoline still fills the abuse slot, kind of, even though it’s a bit different.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now. As for what your mentor has said, I don’t agree with all of what he said, but I don’t disagree either. He could have been a little kinder, and perhaps given more positive feedback and advice along with what he said, but he did make some good pointers. Some of the things he pointed out are similar to what I’ve been trying to convey, saying that it would be nice for there to be more of a central focus both in plot and character for the readers to latch onto more quickly, without too much hoping around. Even if it’s all relevant, it needs to feel relevant to the readers current perception of the story, otherwise it will be jarring. That being said, I would argue that this is an easy fix, and that there are still some promises that are being made with intrigue, the readers just need to see a little progress, and sure, a hero.
As for the writing being depressing, I guess I could see that, each of the characters dealing with really heavy situations right now. But for me at least, it isn’t so much about the situations as it is about how the characters react to the situations. Jonas referenced Stormlight Archive already, but I would actually instead reference another Sanderson series, Mistborn. The lives of most of the characters are incredibly depressing. However one of these characters, Kelsier, has an outlook on life. Even though he’s gone through betrayal and intense merciless, insanity inducing labor, then looking at the atrocities of mankind, seeing the literal dark and ashen sky brought about by a hateful tyrant, even with all of this, he makes one choice, he smiles. If he were to stop smiling, that means he let the Lord Ruler and the nobility win, giving them that victory by giving up, so he doesn’t. Being depressing in a story isn’t a bad quality I would argue, though it can be heavy, which Mistborn is very much so. There is hope shown not through the physical world, but through the characters choices to have hope, which is what gives a victory in the end all the better. It makes sense to me that the story would be depressing in the beginning, because that’s the sorry state of the world, a world these characters have to deal with. (By the way, despite the story being sad, I wouldn’t call it depressing, but that may only be because I’ve read some very depressing literature, so I don’t know😅) So the question is, how do the characters deal with it? I’d say that a good portion, though not all (which is good), do have a positive outlook, Marcurious I would say is a good example. You could definitely be more positive, but you could also be more negative, I’d say that it’s fine as it is, as long as there is both progress and hope present.
I second what Jonas and HighScribe have said. Take a break, pray, ect. Know that the greatest authors have faced rejection after rejection, revisal upon revisal, until they have created something wonderful. Brandon Sanderson I believe wrote 13 books before he finally was happy enough to publish. Also, don’t be discouraged by such statistics either, thinking that you’ll never get to such a level. There’s a famous graph that applies to any subject, measuring confidence, where you learn a little, and you feel good (graph rising), until you reach a point where you see just an inkling to what you really have to be able to do, and it feels vast and untouchable (graph drops rapidly), but when you step forward anyways, taking things bit by bit (graph slowly rises), you will look back and realize that you have climbed a mountain (graph begins to plateau at the knowledge level you wanted).
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Thank you! That’s just what I needed, lol
You and Jonas and HighScribe have been so helpful in my writing journey! I owe you guys one, lol
(If I get it published, I’m sending you guys signed copies!)
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@thearcaneaxiom @jonas @highscribeofaetherium
I’m thinking of doing something drastic.
What if I split my original book idea into three books? Like one for Sef and Lilitu, one for Marcurious, Neveah, and Ottoline, and a third one of how the three reunite?
That way, there won’t be so much jumping around in perspectives, and I’ll have a way to develop each character and focus more on each specific plot.
Here’s a new blurb for my idea for the first book:
Sef has nothing.
No father. No mother. No home to call her own.
She mourns the life that could have been. She mourns her fallen world.
But mourning won’t eliminate the Pythonos.
They’re oppressive tyrants. They steal the little children away, reducing them to no more than failed experiments in the dreaded laboratory, known as the UNIT. The name Pythonos is feared, whispered in dark alleyways, a name that means death.
The Pythonos have stolen Sef’s mother and sister, Hanna, leaving her to live with Iver, an abusive drunk that neglects her, squandering his few agates on one more sip of alcohol.
She’s shunned by her peers, simply because she’s a Payne, a mutated race formed by the coupling of humans and Andromedans.
Paynes are worthless. Or so everyone says. They aren’t allowed to go to school, get decent jobs, or associate with other races. They’re isolated, living in small slums on the outskirts of the big cities.
It didn’t use to be this way. But ever since the Pythonos took over Andromeda, this is the life all Paynes know, all Paynes have come to accept as normal.
Suddenly, Sef makes a shocking discovery about herself, her race, and all of Andromeda that changes everything.
It’s up to her to save Andromeda. To save her mother, her sister. To save the Paynes.
But what if she can’t do it alone?.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333That could actually work really well. It might be a good way to start out at least. After writing them, you could sprinkle the POVs together if you wanted to.
Not to keep bringing this topic up, but that’s how Brandon Sanderson writes the Stormlight Archive: he writes each character’s POVs as a full novel and then mixes them together.
Just an idea. Three books would work too, but it would add some variety to mix them together.
Whatever you end up doing, I think that focusing on a single character group is probably a helpful way to write it.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI second everything Jonas said.
Signature is limited to 100 characters? That seems awfully unjust. We refuse to be bound by these ru
Thank you! That’s just what I needed, lol
You and Jonas and HighScribe have been so helpful in my writing journey! I owe you guys one, lol
(If I get it published, I’m sending you guys signed copies!)
I’m glad we could offer some support! I look forward to someday holding a copy!
I’m thinking of doing something drastic.
What if I split my original book idea into three books? Like one for Sef and Lilitu, one for Marcurious, Neveah, and Ottoline, and a third one of how the three reunite?
That way, there won’t be so much jumping around in perspectives, and I’ll have a way to develop each character and focus more on each specific plot.
Sure! I think that would help a lot in terms of following a line of plot. Me and Jonas (I know that’s not correct grammar) seem to be really bad at diversity of author examples, but I once again mention Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archive, which does this in a way. Each book there is a different single focus main character, but all the other lead characters still are present with their own perspective chapters. So if you want to go down the route of splitting the story up into separate books, you could do that in a variety of ways where all the characters are present, but only one or two are focused on, whereas the others may have occasional prospective chapters or none. Or the other characters may be completely out of the way, unmentioned until their book, until the third where they meet up as you mentioned.
Whatever direction you go with that, I think it would simplify things in a good way, both for the readers, but also for you, being able to have more focus on a linear plotline, where you can better master your skills in narrative.
As for the blurb, I like it. The only thing I would say is that it’s probably a little too detailed for a blurb, but that’s trivial, so I wouldn’t worry about changing it until it’s actually relevant for publishing.
Whatever you do, just always remember why you write. Take criticisms, but don’t let them control you.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@jonas @thearcaneaxiom @highscribeofaetherium
So with my revision of my WIP, I’m changing things a little. I’m thinking of writing it in first person now. I started writing yesterday, but now I’m stuck! How should I continue?
Also, is there anything I could improve on?
(Am I changing things too much?)
Chapter 1
The world is a dark place.
And I am in the middle of it.
I stand in the shadows, my back pressed up against the brick wall. My heartbeat roars in my ears. My legs are trembling from exertion, and every fiber of my body wants to collapse to my knees from exhaustion.
I take shallow, steady breaths. I can’t breathe too loudly or they’ll hear me. They’ll take me away and I won’t see my mother again.
Footsteps echo, against the walls of the nearby buildings. They’re slow, deliberate…and they’re getting louder. They’re coming.
I dare not look up. Maybe if I close my eyes, they won’t find me. Maybe they’ll forget. I never stole anything, I’ll just tell them I never stole the bread, that it was someone else, that I don’t know what they’re talking about…but I’ve never been a good liar. When I lie, my heart pounds a mile a minute, I blink really fast, my legs tense to run, and my stomach might as well be a swirling, churning sea.
“Where’d that little rat go?” I hear angry voices right around the corner. My heart skips a beat. “When I get my hands on her, she’s going to know a lot worse pain than hunger.” Don’t move. Don’t even breathe…
“She’s probably long gone,” another voice says, “I wouldn’t waste my time on a Payne.”
“Stupid Paynes,” the other voice says. Except, instead of “stupid”, he said a word I’m not allowed to say. “Their race can just dissar away for all I care.” If my mother heard me saying the word, dissar, she’d wash my mouth out with soap. Actually, soap is too expensive to waste it on punishing filthy language, so she’d probably dunk my head in the even filthier Farnbron Brook. I shudder at the thought of taking a bath in that smelly, dirty, water.
I hear their footsteps getting quieter. But I can’t relax. Not yet. As much as I want to be able to breathe normally, I have to be sure they’re gone. They’ve tricked me before. I’m not going to let them trick me again.
Not when I have a little sister that’s starving.
I wait there for at least an hour, until the sun disappears behind the rooftops, shrouding my hiding place in more dark shadows, until amber tendrils paint the peachy sky. Then, only then do I dare to slide down and sit on my backside at the base of the wall. I lean against the wall, every muscle crying out in agony. My chest heaves with the new freedom, greedily sucking in the air. I can breathe.
I reach for the loaf of bread on the ground next to me. I pull myself to my feet.
The distant smell of warm food makes my mouth water. I hear the noises of chair scraping against the floor, of silverware clinking against fine china coming from the open window directly above me. The noises of a family eating a fancy dinner together in a nice house, something I will never get to experience.
Stretching my sore back, I tiptoe out of the alleyway on silent feet, carrying the loaf of bread. I feel conspicuous, large loaf of bread in hand, carried by a girl wearing rags. If that doesn’t arouse suspicions, I don’t know what will. Everyone knows a girl like me could never afford such a treasure. Especially not a Payne.
A whole loaf of bread. I let a brief smile cross my face. Even Lilitu wouldn’t dare steal from an Azer, especially not one in the market square, in plain sight.
My chest tightens as I remember how close I came to being caught. Too close. That can’t happen again. How stupid was I? I could have been taken away, never seen again. My mahnith would be waiting for me, sitting by the window for hours. How long would it have taken her to realize I wasn’t coming back? I shiver at the thought.
I walk briskly along the side of a building, keeping to the shadows. I walk quickly, but not too quickly, so as not to look more suspicious than I know I already do. My muscle memory takes over. I walk silently like a cat, unseen, blending with the rest of the world. I’m invisible.
“Sef!” I almost jump out of my skin when a familiar voice calls my name. I whirl around to see Lilitu waving at me on opposite sides of the street.
“Lilitu,” I hiss between my teeth, still recovering from the surprise, “don’t do that!”
He flashes his smile at me that never fails to make my heart melt, and limps across the street to join me, sweeping his coal black hair out of his steely blue eyes. He falls in step with me. “Why are you so….on edge?” he gently punches me in the shoulder. I flinch before I can stop myself.
“I am not ‘on edge’,” I make air quotes with my fingers.
“Right, and you bought that loaf of bread,” he says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow, gesturing to the precious parcel with his cane. I take a deep breath.
“Fine,” I drop my voice to a whisper and lean towards him. “I stole it.” Lilitu laughs.
“No, duh,” he scoffs. “We both know you don’t have more than five agates to your name, let alone a jade. Even if you had one, you need at least two jades to buy a loaf of bread.” I frown. Like he has room to talk. He continues, “Who’d you steal it from?” laughter dances in his eyes, making me crack a smile.
“Adar,” I mumble.
“I’m sorry?” Lilitu steps in front of me, holding out his arms and wooden cane to block my path. I duck underneath his outstretched cane and continue on. “I thought-” he starts to laugh. “I thought I just heard you say you stole it from Adar.”
“I did,” I try to hide my pride, but I can’t help but hold my head a little higher.
“No. Way.” he stares at the bread in my hand, incredulous. “If he caught you…” concern fills his eyes. Gosh, he’s cute when he’s worried. I quickly shove that thought miles away, embarrased. Quit it. Thank goodness he can’t read my mind.
“But he didn’t,” I say, “And now Mahnith, Hanna, and I will have dinner. Thank you,” I bow with a dramatic flourish, “Thank you, Adar for your contribution. The Paynes will not starve tonight.”
“You’re weird,” he glances sideways at me.
“So are you,” I say flatly.
“That’s fair,” he smiles, his perfectly white teeth contrasting with the shadows.
We continue in silence, save for our bare feet against the coarse dirt and the irregular thump of his cane.
It’s a half hour walk from the suburbs to the slums. With every block you walk, the houses get shabbier and shabbier.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333This is indeed a big change. You may be changing a bit too much, while change is good, you can halt your progress completely by making to many revisions (*says as if I wasn’t the most guilty of this exact thing). However, first person can help more with experiential writing, which I think is more your style anyways. I think it helped bring a little more emotion into the scene as well, so if as long as you personally like it more, then I say go for it.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I haven’t had time to read it yet, but one thought that immediately comes to mind is, if you’re still doing multiple POVs, is first person perspective the best option? I’ve never read a first person novel with multiple POVs, but that’s not to say they don’t exist. I’m mainly wondering if you had a specific reason for changing it. Each type of narration has its advantages and disadvantages, so it’s definitely important to think about.
As a disclaimer, I prefer 3rd person to 1st person, so I’m a bit biased here. Do whatever you think works best.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI’ve never read a first person novel with multiple POVs, but that’s not to say they don’t exist.
Oh, that’s funny! I’ve read WAY more first person novels with multiple POV’s. i’ve read more of those than third person POV’s.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333This is indeed a big change. You may be changing a bit too much, while change is good, you can halt your progress completely by making to many revisions (*says as if I wasn’t the most guilty of this exact thing). However, first person can help more with experiential writing, which I think is more your style anyways. I think it helped bring a little more emotion into the scene as well, so if as long as you personally like it more, then I say go for it.
I’m experimenting with it for now. Some days I like first person better, and some days I like third.
Yeah, I do make too many revisions, lol. Glad I’m not the only one XD
I really don’t know why I excited to change it, I just was playing around with it a bit. Both “persons” have their advantages and disadvantages for sure!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@jonas @thearcaneaxiom @highscribeofaetherium
*sighs* Okay, I changed my mind again.
I’m not doing first person (you’re welcome, Jonas, lol).
But I am in a sense, starting over.
Before you freak out, let me explain.
I’m still keeping the original beginning (Elysium, Pythonos, A Swift Death, A Thief, Gone, Stolen, and An Orphan). So basically the first seven chapters will say the same. However, I’m doing my new idea that I’ve talked about a little, where I divide the original idea into two books. So the first book will be just about Sef and Lilitu and the second will be about Marcurious, Ottoline, and Neveah. The two books will be part of a series. It would actually solve a lot of problems. I’d get to develop each character more, and there wouldn’t be near as much jumping around between POV’s.
I’m taking the time to outline (for once), and it’s going fairly well. Google Docs really does work really well for outlining! I’m using both Plot Points and the Three Act structure for plotting. I haven’t done plot points yet but have been working on the 3 Act structure for a week or so. Plotting is harder than it sounds, especially for a “pantser” like me, lol. But I’m trying. XD
Thanks for supporting me and listening to me rant about my WIP, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Alright, I think that’s fine. I think that the prospective split up into multiple books is ultimately the better call.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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