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Okay, I’ll work on the idea about the horses.
EXU…I kind of like that. We’ll see though. Imagine if I did do EU…and someone from Europe read that, they’d be like “Europe’s not like that at all!” jk.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Here’s a little snippet from the next chapter from Liv’s POV:
Chapter 17
“I’ll race you to the brook,” Jyran smiled crookedly over his shoulder, barely giving Livia a chance to agree before giving his mount Irwin a gentle squeeze with his calves and galloping away in a cloud of dirt.
Liv tucked a strand of her azure hair behind her ear, and glared at Jyran with a look that would have made anyone shrink back.
“Go, Xandro,” she called to her stallion. “We’ll make him think twice before he challenges us to a race again, won’t we?” She patted his turquoise blue hide and mane.
Xandro snorted in response, stamping his hoof, the color of sapphires, against the rock before tearing away after Jyran with such speed that Liv fought back a smile of joy as horse and girl became one, flying over the plains.
They were flying. Liv leaned forward, giving Xandro his head, rising slightly in her stirrups, urging him on faster, faster, faster. And faster he went, until trees flashed by in a blur, until no ordinary horse could have even come close to his speed. She could feel Xandro’s joy emanating from his very being. He loved running nearly as much as she, and more than running, Xandro loved to win, another reason that he and Liv got along so well.
Yet still they could not seem to gain on Irwin and Jyron, and the telltale steam that rose up from the Farnbron Brook approached rapidly. As of now, they had a not-so-pleasant view of Irwin’s backside.
Liv frowned, narrowing her eyes. Xandro was holding out on her.
“Faster, Xandro,” Liv whispered. Xandro’s ears twitched in annoyance. He continued to hold his pace, which was already like a lightning bolt, however it was not fast enough to gain on their competition. I am not losing to Jyron, Liv huffed, and dug her heels into Xandro’s side.
“I know you can go faster than this boy,” Liv struggled to get the words from her mouth to Xandro’s ears as the wind swept them away on it’s chilling current. The hoof beats struck a pleasant rhythm in her mind, each one the sound of pure joy. This is where she wanted to be.
And then the sound of gunshot, followed an animal screaming in agony shattered her concentration. She looked up just in time to see Irwin go down and Jyron leap off with inhuman agility. Irwin screamed again and fell hard on his left side, causing puffs of dirt to fly up around him, leaving skid marks in the dirt, now wet from his blood.
Fear burned its path through her heart.
“Hurry,” she whispered, and Xandro trotted over to the fallen horse. Sliding off Xandro’s back, she ran over to where Jyron knelt beside his companion. His face was pale.
“What happened?” she sank to her knees beside him. Xandro followed behind, nuzzling Irwin’s nose as if in comfort. He held his muzzle there, puffing in, and out, in and out in a soothing rhythm. Liv knew when a horse did that, it was saying, I’m here. It’s alright.
“Are you okay?” she looked Jyron up and down for any signs of injury, and to her relief, the worst was a scratch on his cheek from landing in some brambles.
Dazed, Jyron replied,
“I’m fine,” he feverishly searched Irwin’s body for the wound, and Liv saw how scared he was. His hands were trembling, and his eyes showed faint traces of tears. “You’re gonna be okay, boy, just hang on…”
At the exact moment Liv saw the bullet hole in Irwin’s flank, Jyron recoiled as he saw it too. “No!”
With gentle fingers, Liv carefully probed the area of the hole. Every time her fingers came within an inch, Irwin writhed and kicked in agony. Blue blood streamed from Irwin’s flank and trickled onto the ground.
“First-” Liv said weakly, “we have to stop the bleeding.” Jyron clamped a hand down over the wound. Irwin’s hoarse and labored breathing made Liv want to panic.
And then she saw the Pythonos ominously watching them like a hawk from the shadows. His cloak fluttered like a kite in the wind. A pistol was in his hand, and his green eyes flickered with evil, studying their every move.
She caught her breath. “Jyron,” She hissed, grabbing his arm and glancing with wide eyes towards the Pythonos. Jyron bit his lip, then focused his attention back on Irwin. She knew he was trying to hide his fear, as was she. Xandro snorted and held his head high, taking a defensive stance in front of the three, pawing the ground and daring the Pythonos to try to pass him.
Liv’s mind was racing, faster than Xandro had ever galloped. The Pythonos shot Irwin and now he’s going to shoot us too! Liv realized. Why did we decide to go out on the flats today of all days? Another question found it’s way into her mind. Why did the Pythonos shoot an Aquino’s horse? They never interfere…they’ll be sorry when Father finds out…
“Hello, children,” the Pythonos called in a razor sharp voice that made Liv shudder. She flashed a worried glance at Jyron and Irwin. Irwin seemed to be losing strength quickly. Xandro stamped his foot and tore clods of dirt with his sharp hooves, neighing loudly.
Liv’s heart leapt into her throat as the Pythonos advanced towards them.
“What do we do?” she whispered, tugging frantically at Jyron’s sleeve.
“I-I don’t know,” Jyron’s voice was panicked.
“Should I go ask him what he wants?” she kept her voice low. The telltale smell of the Pythonos made her want to retch and vomit, but she kept her nerve. Jyron shook his head.
“I’ll go, you stay with Irwin.” He stood up, wiped his bloody palms on his pants, leaving dark sapphire smears on his breeches. He touched Xandro on the neck, and together they walked forward to meet the Pythonos.
Liv nodded, flipping her braid over her shoulder and replaced Jyron’s hands over the bullet hole. The bleeding had slowed, but not stopped all together. She could only hope that Irwin had not already lost too much blood. Even if he hadn’t, that still didn’t answer the question of how they were going to get him back to Lir. They were either going to have to leave Irwin behind to get help or hope that someone would come and find them.
“I know how much you mean to Jyron,” Liv said to the horse to keep her thoughts off of the impending smell of death. She stroked his indigo mane with her free hand. “Please, keep fighting,” she kept her voice low and soothing. Or at least she tried to, knowing that Irwin could sense her fear and the danger they were all in. “Don’t die, it would kill Jyron,” she paused. “And me,” she whispered. Irwin was like a brother to her. She had known him ever since she met Jyron, and had even ridden him several times. Though she would always have a special bond with Xandro, she couldn’t imagine living without Irwin, or Jyron on the back of any other horse.
Irwin gazed up at her with his intelligent eyes the color of the sky, and showed the white of his eyes. She hated to be the negative one, she hated to even think of it, but she couldn’t be sure of how long Irwin would last. He was a fighter, but the odds seemed to have been pitted against them. Mother was right, Liv’s heart sank, I should never have ridden this far from Lir…
She could just see the pain in Irwin’s eyes, and the sadness brought tears to her eyes.
“I know it hurts,” she sniffed, “but we’ll get you out of here, I promise, we’ll get you home.”
The blood was warm and sticky against her hand, blue liquid seeping out between her fingers. Not as much as before, but still way more than there should have been…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I know it’s a little rough, but it’s my first draft so definitely far from perfect, lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333You keep asking, though, why it is the “unit” and how is it the definition of the word. I tend to be lazy and not overthink it. Correct me if I’m wrong but does it really matter why it’s called that? If so, why does it matter?
If you use an already existing word, people will naturally expect that there is some sort of explanation for why it is called that. The name is meant to describe what it is. When the Pythonos built it, I wouldn’t think they chose that name just because they liked how it sounded.
It is just a “unit” so to speak of the prison.
The only problem with that explanation is that being a unit of something implies that there are other units, so why is this particular one called that? I did mention a possible explanation for why the prisoners might call it that, although I’m not sure it would account for why the Pythonos do.
I’m not sure how (or why) I would ever include why it’s called that in my book.
You wouldn’t necessarily. It’s kind of strange, but I think that sometimes there are details that it is important to know, regardless of whether it comes up in the book.
I think the name causes a sense of curiosity in the readers to find out what it is and why it is so important.
That’s good, but if the reader is supposed to be curious, then shouldn’t their curiosity be satisfied eventually? If the reader is wondering why it has this name, but it never becomes apparent, then their curiosity isn’t satisfied.
Maybe this is the source of the confusion. When I say that there should be a reason for it’s name, I’m taking about an in-universe reason. If someone asked the Pythonos about the name, they should be able to give a specific reason, and not just “it sounded cool.”
Are you perhaps thinking out-of-universe? The reason that you, the author, picked the name could very well be because it sounded cool and that can be a viable reason, but there should be an in-universe reason too.
To clarify what I’ve been saying about the name: if someone asked you “why did the Pythonos name it the UNIT?” You should be able to answer. Theoretically, the answer to that could still be “it sounded cool,” but the Pythonos don’t seem like the type to name it for that reason.
Hopefully that clarifies what I’ve been saying.
Sorry, those were just nagging questions in my head, lol.
That’s perfectly fine, You should ask them if they’re bothering you! The whole point of this is to help you write this story. I’m not doing you any good if you don’t understand what I’m saying!
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📚 Appreciator of BooksThe chapter looks good 👍🏻
The only thing to think about is whether this is essential, considering Liv’s position as a less important than the others. I’m not saying it is or isn’t, I don’t think I know enough to judge, but just something to think about. You probably want to keep Liv’s story as concise as possible, so anything that isn’t absolutely necessary probably shouldn’t be in it.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI did mention a possible explanation for why the prisoners might call it that, although I’m not sure it would account for why the Pythonos do.
There are other “units”, this is just the main one and the most important one.
Okay though, that would be hilarious if that actually happened, if Marcurious asked Jraldath why it’s called the UNIT and he says “because it sounded cool”…it’s like in the LEGO movie where the wizard recites a prophecy and then proceeds to say, “All this is true because……it rhymes.” (however it’s more likely that Jraldath would simply either slap Marcurious or say that it’s his worst nightmare)
I found this definition as an example:
part of an institution such as a hospital having a special function.
So I think that applies to this the most.
The answer to the hypothetical question of why its called that would be that it is a “unit” of the complex. There are several units per se, however this one is the only one referred to as such because the Pythonos hate giving unnecessary information to prisoners and because they hate creativity so they like boring names, and it is its own “unit”. Is that answer satisfactory or do I need more?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Okay, yeah. That definitely works.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksSo I guess that chapter by itself doesn’t seem necessary, but the Pythonos is going to kidnap her and Jyron and use them as hostages so that their father will provide military forces and supplies to start a war against the Paynes.
Does that make sense?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333So I guess that chapter by itself doesn’t seem necessary, but the Pythonos is going to kidnap her and Jyron and use them as hostages so that their father will provide military forces and supplies to start a war against the Paynes.
Okay, it’s definitely essential then.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI thought I’d just mention that the thing about the name being an acronym is that suggests that it is actually English, and not Andromedan. Using the word Unit is fine, because we know that in the world, it’s just called something that means the same thing, but to acknowledge the individual letters in the story makes it unavoidable. There are simple ways around this, and even feel free to ignore this, but the language nerd inside of me couldn’t hold it in.
So in my WIP, Liv has a horse named Xandro. I was thinking that all the races have horses that are intelligent and match the “color scheme” and have the same powers. For example: Liv in an Aquino, she has blue hair, eyes, skin, clothes, and has the power to manipulate water. Xandro has a blue coat, eyes, hooves, mane and tail and has a special bond with Liv.
So is it too cliche to have the horses be able to telepathically communicate with their owners? Or should I go ahead? As of now, the horses can understand situations, have feelings, and understand lanugages, but can’t speak, however they can communicate with other horses.
I think that’s cool. I wouldn’t worry about it being too cliche, but you could build on it a little more so if feels more unique.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I thought I’d just mention that the thing about the name being an acronym is that suggests that it is actually English, and not Andromedan.
Yeah, good point. I think she’s going with a non-acronym though.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksOkay. You ever get that feeling where you want to grab your laptop and delete everything you’ve ever written and chuck it across the room?
yeah. That’s the mood I’m in.
I got an email today from a mentor that read my writing. He gives good advice…but often leaves me with a feeling of hopelessness for my WIP. Right now, I just really need some encouragement. lol.
Also, I know I’m free to take and ignore criticism. Do you guys agree with what he said?
What I will say might sting a bit, but I believe that you are mature enough to evaluate objectively. I don’t see a direction the story is heading. I see a series of vignettes that sometimes connect and sometimes do not. I understand a lot of modern writers will break up chapters to give the reader the chance to stay connected with each scene and the characters, but this is not happening here. I don’t see a theme or plot structure. There is no central character except the Pythonos. And they are evil. But what is their purpose? There is no one central “good guy” that the reader can follow. You need to establish someone the reader can identify with early on in your story. Yes, you can have other characters who come and go or maybe a couple of central characters for the reader to follow, but get them in early. Frankly after three or four chapters, I was depressed. All I see is bad things happening with no relief and no hint of relief. A reader can only sustain so much bad news until he shuts down. You can paint in a lot of bad and evil, but you have got to give the reader a “hero” to sustain him.
Sorry, that was really long. It’s just….my writing style is depressing. How do I fix that? How can I put releif in my story? Is this story totally hopeless or is there some way to fix it? I’m not sure if I just need to write more so he’ll see where it’s all going, because it very much does connect (I do have it all planned out to some extent in my head), but do I need to have it clearer?
Sorry, I’m just having a “hate my writing, hate writing in general” moment XD
Thanks you guys for supporting me this far, though! i really appreciate it.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Hmmm… I see what you mean. If I’m understanding correctly, the issue is that all of the characters are in super hard and depressing situations? My immediate thought is to just have at least one character who isn’t. Now that I think about it, most stories I’ve read don’t have more than one character like that, because is is pretty heavy and the reader can only take so much. That said, you might be able to do more than one, I just can’t think of any examples.
So yeah, I guess all your characters are in pretty depressing situations: Neveah’s storyline opens with her being kidnapped, Sef’s story opens with her mother being kidnapped and herself ending up in abuse, Lilitu’s story opens with him being beaten and heavily focuses on Sef’s story, Ottoline’s story opens with her being in the UNIT, and Marcurious’ story begins with him being captured and taken to the UNIT. What I’m wondering is is there a way to start out the story so that they aren’t like this?
What if you begin with Marcurious being captured and breaking them out fairly early? That way Ottoline and Neveah don’t have to be in the UNIT, but you can refer to it in flashbacks. Then with Sef and Lilitu, you could start out with them on the run, and use flashbacks to show what happened before? The main thing is to stagger it so that they aren’t all in said situations at the same time.
I think one of the reasons you have them all go through these things is that many of them are supposed to be traumatized. That makes me think of something in the Stormlight Archive (which I won’t spoil, since I know you’re going to read it soon.) In SA, of the three characters you first meet, only one is going through a situation similar to what you’re doing, but as you delve into the other characters’ backstories you find that many of them have traumatic pasts. All that so say, you could also try something like that: have some characters that have already been through trauma, and done that are in the middle of it.
Did your mentor give you any suggestions? Because I think that it’s not good to only give negative feedback without any positive feedback or suggestions on how to fix the negative feedback.
Also, I know I’m free to take and ignore criticism. Do you guys agree with what he said?
I guess I didn’t answer this. I agree somewhat, but I don’t think it’s worth you getting frustrated and wanting to give up. I couldn’t identify it earlier, but I now realize that all the bad things that were happening to the characters did feel a bit stifling.
Don’t get discouraged! I want to say that no matter how flaws it has, I think that the idea for your story is good, so even if you have to change it a thousand times, you should keep at it!
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI pretty much agree with what Jonas said. And I would also say to just take a break. Do something else, get your mind off it, and don’t let it drag you down. And pray about it. That’s the best thing you can possibly do right now.
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