Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Short Story Critiques › My short story
- This topic has 22 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 1 week ago by The Ducktator.
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 23, 2024 at 7:01 am #181330
To all you who read and commented…
Thank you for the feedback! And I have started the novella version. I’ll update you when it’s finished (which could be anywhere from this week to next year…you never know).
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully đ)June 23, 2024 at 8:56 am #181331Youâre welcome! Yay, thatâs great!
A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.
June 23, 2024 at 9:32 am #181333I LOVE THAT SO MUCH!
Your writing is amazing!!! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333June 30, 2024 at 1:26 pm #181800This is the second and true ending to Secret Shame. I apologize for any typos and grammatical mistakes, I haven’t edited it much and don’t really intend to, since this part will never be published.
Estelle stood upon the tips of her toes, stroking her long, Realn festival braid. Her turquoise eyes scanned the crowd, looking for a singular young man she hoped was here.
It had been many years now since she had been to Banor, but not much seemed to have changed. The Ward festivals were still as lively and colorful as ever, the wind was still strong and cold, and the trees were still beautiful and unique. Next to her, only a couple paces away, two Realn warriors matched their hands to each other, the crowd cheering them on as they Realn arm wrestled. Palm to palm, hands clasped together, they both strove to throw the other one onto the hard-packed ground. With a roar, the taller one of the two threw the other down. A smile passing across both warriorâs faces, the winner helped the loser up, and they grasped each otherâs wrists in sign of friendship.
As the next pair of muscled warriors stepped into the ring of bystanders, Estelle looked again for the young man. But her heart sunk as she realized that the odds of him being here was low, let alone of finding him in this vast crowd. At the same, she couldnât just give up. She had been searching for him for so long, and she hoped today was the day sheâd know if everything would be okay, or if it would never be. Minutes ticked by, as her heart sunk lower and lower.
Glancing back at the arm wrestler ring, her heart seemed to jump in her throat. Two men, only in their twenties or so, stood facing each other. They were of about the same height and build, looking both athletic and strong. One had black hair, pale skin and red eyes, both iris and sclera. The other had dark brown hair, with also pale skin but turquoise irisâs like Estelleâs and a normal white sclera.
âIâm not gonna let you win, Terry,â The red-eyed one growled playfully.
âFunny, I was about to say the same to you, Alpha.â
Both of them placed their left feet in front of their right, bent their elbows and placed their palms together. Both held a determined smile as they began trying to throw the other one down.
Estelle watched with pride. Her son Terry had grown into a handsome warrior, and he had finally found a friend. Plus, by the symbols and runes on his shirt, and the scars on Alphaâs forearm, she saw that they both belonged to the Realn Elites. And they had close to twenty missions already.
The two men struggled, both determined not to give in to the other. But with a sudden twist, Alpha sent Terry to the ground. He stood above his friend, crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side. A smile played on his lips.
âI won. Close, but still not close enough.â
Terry smiled in reply, and Alpha helped him up. They exchanged a couple comments that Estelle couldnât hear, until Terry exclaimed, looking around âWhereâs Jaz?â
Alpha looked around with Terry, before groaning. âThat silly dragon! I bet sheâs still trying to eat that stone figurine! Iâll go fetch her. Iâll be right back.â
Terry nodded as Alpha walked off. Moving to the outskirts of the crowd as another two tested their strength.
Estelle walked up to him, tapping him on the shoulder. âTerry?â
Terry spun around, immediately recognizing her. The smile on his face faded. âMother,â he said coldly. âWhat is it you want? Last I heard, you had left Banor.â
âI came back to find you.â
âSo you found me. Now you can get out of my life again.â
âI will, but I justâŚI just wanted to ask for your forgiveness. I have been forgiven by God, and I have forgiven myself. I wanted to ask for yours.â
Terry pulled her off to the side, where they most likely wouldnât be overheard. âJust like that?! Do you realize I only have one friend? One! One person who will always stick by me, and do you know why? Because no matter where I go, everyone says âoh, look, thatâs Terry, the son of a fornicator!â
âI know, Terry, and Iâm sorry.â Estelleâs gaze dropped to the ground.
âSorry doesnât fix things. I never got the chance to have a ânormalâ life with ânormalâ friends and people who would stick by me, because of you!â
Two pairs of turquoise eyes met each other, one filled with anger, another filling with water. Before either could speak, Alpha called to Terry, telling him he had found Jaz. Sure enough, a small viridian green dragon was perched on his shoulder, her tale wrapped loosely around his neck.
âIâll be there in a minute, Alpha,â Terry replied, breaking his gaze with Estelle.
Estelle, with tears beginning to fall down her cheeks, spoke quietly as Terryâs gaze once again came back to her. âI didnât expect you just too suddenly forgive me as soon as you saw me butââ
âI will never forgive you,â Terry declared, a bit of spit flying from his mouth as he did so.
More tears fell down Estelleâs face. âThank you, Terry. Itâs good to know.â With that, they parted ways, Estelle to go away and enjoy the Banorian forest and Terry to meet back up with Alpha.
âHey, who was that?â Alpha inquired as the two walked through the crowds at the festival.
âNo one.â
âWoah, lighten up! Iâm the one whoâs allowed to be grumpy. You sure that was no one?â
Terry sighed, scratching Jazâs chin as she jumped to his shoulder. âFine. It was my mother, okay? Self-explanatory?â
Alpha nodded, unwrapping Jazâs tail that still was around his neck. âSelf-explanatory.â
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully đ)June 30, 2024 at 1:27 pm #181801@highscribeofaetherium @grcr @theshadow I posted it ^^^
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by RAE. Reason: tag
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully đ)June 30, 2024 at 6:19 pm #181812Aww that’s so sad đ
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333June 30, 2024 at 10:03 pm #181816WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME
Because I’m a writer.
Or it could be payback for your sad prologue and first chapter.
Jkjk
I will update you if Terry forgives Estelle, so you can be happy again (or maybe post a Tenz scene).
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully đ)July 11, 2024 at 4:19 pm #182504 -
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.