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@theducktator @theshadow @loopylin @whalekeeper @grcr @keilah-h @freed_and_redeemed @savannah_grace2009 @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @otherkppeoplewelcome
So i wrote most of this short story (titled Secret Shame) this morning. I think I might end up turning it into a novella of some kind just because I feel like it is kinda rushed. What are your opinions on it all?
Just a note, Tomoko is a Japanese name meaning something like ‘friend’
Secret Shame
A short story by Ruth A. Eisele
1924 words
Brunette waves flowed behind her in the slight breeze sweeping through the city streets. Her face was aimed towards the ground, her eyes tired. Tired of life. The dark circles were the proof of sleepless nights. The dead look the cause of years carrying her concealed shame.
Young, beautiful, innocent but so foolish.
Oh how she now longed that she could have told her past self not to! Or better yet that her younger self had resisted the temptation!
She zipped up her jacket against the cold of the night, plodding along with slow, dragging steps. The light from dimmed street lamps vaguely illuminated her path as she went on, passing no one but the few zips and speeders still out in this region of the city. Most everyone was in bed, but she had personal business.
She had always dreamed of a successful life. Marrying some cute guy and settling to have a prosperous family on her home planet Banor. Her child self never could have dreamed of the temptation that she would befall her in her teens. The thing that destroyed her life. She left her home town, jumping from city to city and job to job, but the truth always caught up with her. Finally, two years ago she settled on a separate planet. Somewhere where she changed her name and got a stable job. But while those around her talked and interacted with her and life went on as if nothing had happened on the outside, the inside was being consumed by a black abyss of disgrace and dishonor. An abyss she couldn’t escape. All she could do was stare longingly at the trees and sunshine above. Longingly gaze at the outside world and wonder what to be happy feels like again. For all feelings had left, except shame and self-hatred.
Every day she tried to pick up all the pieces of her life, tried to hide all that was going on in her mind under a fake mask of “fine”. No one knew the truth. And that made her heart bleed. But she still didn’t have the courage to tell them.
Tomoko, kind Tomoko had so many times told her she was a quiet, good person, but he never knew. Every day he’d smile and greet her when she came to work, and always bid her farewell. It was his nature to be so kind to everyone, but if he knew of her sin, would he still be that way? No, he’d shun her like everyone else.
What was the point of living when she was torn to pieces when no one knew, yet how could she live somewhere where everyone knew, for she’d have no job, no money, no home?
I can’t keep going on like this.
She stopped at the front of a tall building. Pulling a key chip out of her pocket, she entered. The building was recently abandoned, due for repairs after a couple major water pipes burst, leaving the interior with serious water damage. The power was cut to the building, so she made her way in darkness to the stairs. One, two, three, four…thirteen, fourteen, fifteen flights of stairs. She stepped out onto the roof of the building, lifting her eyes to look out over the city. From her viewpoint atop the building, she gazed out at the beautiful lights, the city lit up in all her nocturnal glory. And beyond her the stars and the moons. Going to the railing overlooking the streets below, she gripped it as she gazed intently for what was like hours, studying every detail of the beautiful view.
This will be the last sight I will ever see.
Climbing up, she perched herself on the railing, ready to make that fatal push. She closed her eyes, ignoring the sound of something pounding against the stairs coming closer. Good-bye!
And over she fell.
But her fall was cut short as a hand grabbed her arm as she went over. “Estelle! Don’t!”
Estelle, dangling by her arm, looked above her to see a familiar face lit by moonlight. “Tomoko?”
Tomoko, his hair a mess, his chest heaving, and his eyes pleading, nodded, pulling Estelle up. He then leaned over, his hands gripping his knees, taking in huge breaths. “I was…worried I wouldn’t…make it…in time…with my heart.”
Estelle watched him, water forming in her eyes. Tomoko had run all this way, despite his condition, just to stop her.
“I…couldn’t sleep…so I checked my messages…and saw yours,” He explained.
“Why? Why stop me? My life is honorless, useless! I don’t want to live like this anymore!”
Tomoko straightened himself, controlling his breathing. “I came to…stop you so that I could tell you that you don’t have to live like this, and you don’t have to die. I came to tell you that I don’t know what you did, but God does. And God says there is forgiveness, hope still. It doesn’t matter what you did back then, what matters is what you will do now. You can jump, and end your life without actually knowing what God’s hope and forgiveness is. I’m too weak to stop you now. Or you can stay a little longer with the living and try to find out.”
Tears started to roll down Estelle’s face. “But…but I…God can’t…”
“I’m going to stop you right there. Listen, Estelle, the more you study people, the more you realize we are all the same is some ways. And one of those ways is that we never can understand God’s forgiveness or accept it really exists even a little bit, until we actually experience it. And even then, it’s like one snowflake in an entire white sparkly field, yet even then, that snowflake changes our lives forever and leaves us in awe. That’s how great God’s forgiveness is. Please, Estelle, give God the chance to show you His forgiveness.” Tomoko coughed, grabbing at his chest.
Estelle paused. She wanted to die. She didn’t want to live another day but…there was no way Tomoko would make it all the way down the stairs by himself. His heart or lungs would give out before then. Did she really want to kill herself and be responsible for his death too? No. She took his arm, pulling it over her shoulders. “Let’s get you home. I’m guessing you have a zip at the door?”
Tomoko nodded, a slight smile crossing his face.
Estelle helped her friend down the flights of stairs and to his zip. As he stood on it and took hold of the handle, Estelle told him she would walk home. Tomoko gave her a worried glance. “I better see you tomorrow at work, Estelle.”
Estelle hesitated, but she answered, “You will, Tomoko.” Mostly out of concern for his health.
Tomoko nodded, bid her farewell and twisted the handle of his zip. Estelle stared after him, before turning around and walking home, thinking about what Tomoko had done.
When she got home, she slammed the door behind her, falling against it and crying. She was angry at herself for telling Tomoko she’d be at work tomorrow, angry at Tomoko for risking his health to stop her, and most of all at God for compelling Tomoko to check his messages before morning.
“It doesn’t matter what you did back then, what matters is what you will do now.”
Tomoko’s words rang in her mind. “Oh, be quiet!” She yelled, before breaking out into more sobs.
Later that morning, she awoke from her sleep, washed, dawned her makeup, and left for work like she promised. Tomoko acted the same as always. Smiling, greeting, and helping where he could. The only difference was he didn’t laugh as much as usual and after work, he sprinted to catch up with Estelle.
“I wish I could walk around as much as you!” he puffed, coming up to her side.
“You shouldn’t be walking next to me.”
“Don’t worry, I promise to turn around when I’ve gone too far. So, will you be here tomorrow?”
“Maybe. No promises this time, Tomoko.”
“Hm. You know I will tell people what you’re going to do if it means it will save your life.”
“Doing that will only make me do it sooner.”
Tomoko was silent for a moment, before saying, “What you do is up to you. It’s out of my control. Just please, Estelle, let God help you.”
With that, Tomoko turned around and made his way to his zip.
The next day…
Estelle threw a piece of fluffy bread into the water, watching the golden fish rush to the surface after it. Her watch buzzed on her wrist. Tapping the screen, a hologram showed a message from Tomoko.
Hey, are you still around?
Yeah
How are you doing?
Fine how about you
Having a couple health issues, but I’m good.
Will I see you tomorrow at Service?
No
She didn’t get a reply for a few minutes, but finally he answered:
What about the day after tomorrow, will you be back at work?
No promises
Please be there, Estelle.
Estelle didn’t reply, she simply tossed another piece of bread to the fish. Their scales glistened in the light of the three suns overhead as they came to the surface again for the treat, causing ripples that became rings of light. Beautiful water flowers with delicate white and pink petals with pointed tips, their massive leaves floating on the surface, were like a natural frame to the fish. Estelle took a picture of the beautiful scene, before getting up, throwing the remainder of her bread into the water and walking home with a sigh.
Whatever prompted Estelle to take down her dusty book of God’s Word and flip through the pages, she didn’t really know. Maybe it was that Tomoko’s text yesterday asking if she would be at Service had put it on her mind. Even stranger was no matter where she turned, the page seemed to always mention forgiveness and how great God was.
“…to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins…”[1]
“In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.”[2]
“For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.”[3]
“Turn yourself to me, and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain, and forgive all my sins. …
Keep my soul, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.[4]”
Estelle burst into tears, the droplets of water falling upon the pages of the book in her hands. “God,” She sobbed. “Forgive me of what I’ve done, and…and help me forgive myself. Help me. Guide me, because for now on, I’m yours.” She cried for a few more minutes, a strange peace filling her heart.
Early next morning, her watch buzzed once more. Tomoko had texted her again.
Will you be at work today?
When she didn’t reply immediately, he texted again.
Are you still around?
Estelle sent him the picture she took of the fish pond a couple days ago, before texting back,
Life is beautiful.
And God’s forgiveness is sweet.
[1] Acts 26:18a NKJV
[2] Ephesians 1:7 NKJV
[3] Psalm 86:5 NKJV
[4] Psalm 25:16-18, 20 NKJV"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)I apologize if I missed any italicized words.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Beautiful 💖😭
It’s short but sweet, and I def think you could turn it into a novella and dive into it even more and explain even more with a novella.
But even as a short story, it is beautiful💖💖
#BeardedSteveRogersIsSuperior
That… that really was beautiful! ❤️❤️❤️ Brought me to tears.
I think it’s really good and I like it how it is, but a novella wouldn’t be bad either!
Flaz: *yawns* Did the sun just come up? In the west?
That is so beautiful! So raw and real and yet redemptive! I love it!
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Very nice, and I think it would work very well as a novella! The only thing I’m confused about is that it apparently takes place in a sci-fi world (since you mentioned other planets), but the setting seemed to be normal.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksI really like it, you did a really nice job!
Although I would bring up the same thing as Jonas, about the setting and stuff.
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
So, Estelle has a Bible, but this seems to take place in the same universe as all/most of your stories. So is your sci-fi universe supposed to be the same as our universe?
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
It is set in my sci-fi galaxy, which in that world is the same as our universe, but at the same time, I don’t believe in life on that planets or in other galaxies. Sorry, it’s confusing, but once you figure it out, it makes sense.
The reason I didn’t go into much of the sci-fi stuff is for one, I don’t like to focus too much on that element, and for two, it’s not part of Estelle’s character to be techy. As proven in that she prefers to walk rather than use a zip or something like Tomoko.
In most my writing, I like to use a sci-fi setting, but prefer to not go too deeply into it. The only time I can think of when I go sorta deep into tech is with Igua, and Igua is set in Ancient Wond.
So, basically it’s all just because of my style.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Beautiful! It would make a great novella.
The squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual this winter. I've already lost 3 relatives.
Ok 👍 makes sense. Yeah, I didn’t take it to mean you actually believed in extraterrestrial life.
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
That makes sense. I do think it would be better to either have more sci-fi elements or not mention them at all. As it is, it’s just enough to be confusing. I would imagine that if you did write this into a novella, it would fix the problem, since you would have more time for it to become clear.
Is a zip a real thing or is it an instance of a sci-fi element?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksIf a zip is a real thing, I don’t know about it. A zip is like a type of speeder, but only meant for one person. Most speeders in my writing are built for two or more.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Okay. I’ve never heard of those before.
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📚 Appreciator of BooksGreat job!!! Your story felt so authentic and real, it was amazing!!! You could definitely turn it into a novella but I really like it too as a short story too, so either option would work well.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
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