My first short story contest entree! Critiques appreciated

[Liberty]

@esther

So, this is my first story contest ever… It’s flash fiction (no more than 1200 words).

This story is a scene from Thorn, my future Wip.

Please tell me what you think! Advice, feedback, or anything you want to say about this written story. Thanks you all!

 

Here goes:

 

2/19/2024

A Thorn Reborn

 

Thornbriar stood at the edge of the cliff. The crisp Februarius air blew through his golden mane and tail.

Brightening the somewhat pale sky, the golden sun streamed beams of light all about. Staring up at its shining light, Thornbriar found his thoughts wandering to and fro.

All you need to do is ask Him.
Thornbriar started, his heart beating fast.

Starshine had said that. Ask Him…ask Him…Thornbriar… Her voice echoed again and again inside the walls of his mind. Could he never escape them? Just as he could never escape the Being who chased him? He’d lived all his life without one thought about the King, yet circumstance by circumstance had brought him closer and closer to the realization that the King truly existed. He’d been chased to the ends of the land. His entire life of who he was had been shattered moment by moment. Who was he now? Just a shell of a horse? What was this intense longing that was swelling within him? Such a desire for something that he could tell was there, but couldn’t grasp a hold of? And yet, the resentment that lay inside of him, growled at him to throw away such hopeful thoughts.

Doubts, fear, anger, hope—Thornbriar could barely sift out all his thoughts. How could the King care for such low a creature as he?

Thornbriar dropped his head. “How could He care for me?

This is who you are. A monster and a dumb beast. The King’s voice rang loud and clear through his memory.

The vivid image of the Kodiak loomed before him. Its snarling visage and hideous, furry form cast a shadow in his mind.

Thornbriar closed his eyes, barely breathing. He could almost feel the pain again. Terror and fear. Defenseless and hopeless.

With a sudden toss of his head, he dashed back the emotions, which threatened to overpower him. His peace being shattered, Thornbriar walked back to the forest. The trees creaked and whined, seeming to sympathize with the lone horse. Having been stripped of their leaves and foliage in the winter months, the trees look like a skeleton forest.

As Thornbriar walked under a barren oak, there was a swooshing of wings, and Grace landed on its lowest branch. Facing each other, the lone horse and the lone falcon stared at each other. Thoughts unspoken passed between them.

Then, the still silence was broken.

“He’s calling for you, Thorn.” Grace’s voice was filled with tenderness.

Thornbriar looked away. Emotions threatened to burst out.

Grace flapped her wings as passion swelled within her breast. “What is holding you back from Him? He’s calling. Calling for you by your name. Can’t you hear Him?”

“I don’t believe I’ve ever tried to,” Thornbriar mumbled. “Would He even answer me?”

Grace croaked a sound that sounded like a laugh. “He’s the One who’s calling. It is you who must answer. All this time that I’ve been with you—what have you learned? He has created you, loves you—He’s caring for you this very moment!”

Thornbriar’s eyes began to water. The last barricade was beginning to melt within him.

Grace did not stop. “All these experiences that you have been through…do you think it’s all for nothing? Did the King not plan this very day? Did He not bring all these hardships into your life to bring you to Him? Has He not sent me to guide you?

Thornbriar could take it no longer. “Stop! Please,” he cried, tears flowing down his face. “Show me how! I want to be His. I want to have His hope in me. If you’d just…show me…” He tried to keep the tears back and calm himself.

“I can’t do this by myself,” he whispered.

Grace lifted her wings to the sky. “With the King, all things are possible. He has already made a way. The King is offering His gift to you, and He can help you hear His call.” The falcon bowed her head, her wings lifted upward.

Thornbriar lifted his face to the sky as well. Grace’s voice filled his mind. He closed his eyes. I will listen. This time, I will.

The wintery wind blew a fresh breeze through his mane, rippling it into the air. Thornbriar arched his neck, flowing with the breeze.

All you need to do is ask Him. Ask Him…ask Him…Thornbriar…

He bowed his head. I need You. Please, help me. Thornbriar could think of nothing else to say. He’d bent against the wind so many times, but this time he was not. This time he was flowing with it. Sunbriar.

That Voice! He knew that Voice. Such joy and peace flooded his entire being to its fullest.

“I’m here, my King,” he whispered, bowing his head. “I’ve run away from You so long, resisted Your call, and hated You. But, now I’m here.”

With a Love that worlds can not describe, the King called. Come to me, and I will give you rest.

This was it. This was the final moment. Everything, every moment, every circumstance in his life was meant to come to this. This final step. Thornbriar did not turn away.

“I am coming.” He snorted and stomped his hooves. “I am COMING!”

Thornbriar sprang over the edge. Gravity instantly took hold of him and pulled him downwards. To his surprise, the shrieking wind did not hurt as much as he had thought. On the contrary, it felt good. As he fell, it felt as if he was leaving himself behind and becoming a totally new creature. He was becoming a new creature.

urther down he fell, rolling over his back multiple times. The wind buffeted against his body, blowing him where it willed.

Suddenly, something happened. Something broke and loosened on his back. Thornbriar’s eyes opened wide. A weight was lifted off his back! The bundle which he had been born with started leaving! Thornbriar turned his head around to see what in the land was happening. It looked as if two great objects were unfurling.

Before Thornbriar knew what to think, two enormous wings spread out from his shoulders. They caught him up from falling and bore him upwards. Utterly shocked, he stared at them in wonderment. In unison, both wings beat through the air, carrying him higher and higher. Slowly, he realized that he was making the wings move. He was flying!

As if a curtain had been drawn away revealing his true identity within, Thornbriar knew who he was. He was a winged horse, a true son of the King. He was a Celestian. He was Sunbriar.

The End

 

My place beside you, My blood for yours, Till the Green Ember rises, Or the end of the world!

[Esther]

@liberty

ooh, that’s so exciting!! I’ve been wanting to try my hand at some contests this year as well.

So I read it through once, but I don’t have the time rn to give you some feedback. I’ll be sure to get to it later today though!

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Liberty]

@esther-c

 

Thanks! I’ll be looking forward to your feedback!

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by Liberty.

My place beside you, My blood for yours, Till the Green Ember rises, Or the end of the world!

[Esther]

@liberty

Alrighty, let’s do this.

I’m not in any way the most amazing writer or editor ever, so I recommend to take my advice with a grain of salt. 😉

Brightening the somewhat pale sky, the golden sun streamed beams of light all about

Ok, the first thing I noticed was the word ‘somewhat.’ In most cases, you can always cut this from narrative prose. And if ‘pale’ seems like not the right word, try to find another one that can describe what you’re picturing. Don’t be afraid to use metaphors or similes too. I like using them when I don’t feel like a one-word adjective is enough.

How could the King care for such low a creature as he?

Thornbriar dropped his head. “How could He care for me?

So my suggested wording of these two sentences would be:

Thornbriar dropped his head. How could the King care for such low a creature as he?

I took out that piece of dialogue because it felt repetitive after the previous line above it.

Thornbriar closed his eyes, barely breathing. He could almost feel the pain again.

Something about that first sentence feels off. Maybe change the description of ‘barely breathing.’ I don’t know, I feel like there’s a better way to describe that, but maybe that’s just what I would do for my writing and it won’t work for yours.

In the second sentence, just like the word ‘somewhat’, ‘almost’ can be cut most of the time.

With a sudden toss of his head, he dashed back the emotions, which threatened to overpower him. His peace being shattered, Thornbriar walked back to the forest.

My suggestion would be:

With a sudden toss of his head, he dashed back the emotions threatening to overpower him. His peace shattered, Thornbriar walked back to the forest.

I just feel like it flows better. And a little side note… Shortly after this sentence, you take a sentence or two to describe the forest. If you wanted, you could add a pice or two of description to the previous sentence, but that’s totally up to you.

Grace flapped her wings as passion swelled within her breast.

This right here took me out of Thornbriar’s POV. You suddenly switched from Thornbriar’s narrative to telling me what Grace is feeling. I would suggest either cutting that description of what she’s feeling, or finding another way to describe it without it sounding like you’re switching POVs.

Thornbriar’s eyes began to water.

I think it will flow better if you said instead:

Thornbriar’s eyes watered.

What I’ve learned from other writers, is that you shouldn’t use the words “begin” or “start” unless the character shortly stops that action. So for the most part, it’s unnecessary.

Again for smoother readability:

Grace did not stop. “All these experiences that you have been through…do you think it’s all for nothing? Did the King not plan this very day? Did He not bring all these hardships into your life to bring you to Him? Has He not sent me to guide you?”

For these sentences…

To his surprise, the shrieking wind did not hurt as much as he had thought. On the contrary, it felt good.

I suggest saying something more like this:

Instead of the shrieking wind biting against his flesh, it *insert description of the wind feeling nice*

Fantastic prose, am I right? Obviously you don’t have to do the exact same thing, but something along the same lines. 😉

And then a last note I wanted to add…

I noticed that you used forms of the verb “was” a lot. That’s normally a sign of telling. So what I would do would be to go back over and find where you used the words ‘was’ or ‘were’ and try to find ways you could show that action instead of telling it. Sometimes you need to keep ‘was’ (like in the last paragraph of the story) but be on the lookout for when you use it, and try to change it to showing. For example…

Instead of:

Then, the still silence was broken.

“He’s calling for you, Thorn.” Grace’s voice was filled with tenderness.

You could do:

Then, the still silence broke.

“He’s calling for you, Thorn.” Grace’s voice softened with tenderness. [or …dripped with tenderness. Idk, I feel like dripped (or softened) isn’t quite the right word, but I think you know what I mean.]

I hope that was helpful! I know I was being nitpicky, but I thought the pacing and the story itself was really good. I loved the theme!!

Oh, and just a formatting suggestion, any of the thoughts that Thornbriar was having or the words in his head, you should probably italicize them for easier readability. You might have them italicized wherever you wrote this originally, but I know when you copy and paste KP messes up the formatting.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. I thought the second sentence was really good in establishing who Thornbriar was. I knew he was a horse immediately, instead of getting confused later on. So great job with that!

Like I said earlier, take all this with a grain of salt. 😊 I am definitely no expert in writing. 😉  I hope I was able to help you some and good luck on the contest!! 😄💖

(And if anything that I said didn’t make sense, just ask and I’ll try to clarify. (: )

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Esther]

Oh good, it posted. KP was acting weird for a bit and I was afraid it hadn’t posted. 😬

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Liberty]

@esther-c

You pinpointed some great areas for me to work on.

 

With a sudden toss of his head, he dashed back the emotions threatening to overpower him. His peace shattered, and Thornbriar walked back to the forest.

I just feel like it flows better. And a little side note… Shortly after this sentence, you take a sentence or two to describe the forest. If you wanted, you could add a piece or two of description to the previous sentence, but that’s totally up to you.

I want to clarify. Do you mean to expound on his emotions?

 

Yeah, in Pages his thoughts were italicized. I’ll plan to double-check it next time.

 

Thanks for your amazing input!

 

My place beside you, My blood for yours, Till the Green Ember rises, Or the end of the world!

[Esther]

@liberty

Um, I don’t think so. I believe I was just pointing out some wording that I felt was a little awkward. My suggestion was a way to word it differently so that it would be smoother to read. As for the describing the forest, you could tap into his emotions a little bit then, but that wasn’t exactly what I was pointing out. I was just suggesting add a little bit of description to that sentence, but like I said, that’s just a personal opinion, so it’s completely up to you. (:

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Esther]

Oh and just to clarify, the words that I suggested should be taken out shouldn’t be taken out every time they’re in your prose. It’s just a good rule of thumb to follow, not some law. Just wanted to make that clear. 😊

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Esther]

Sometimes you gotta feel it out.

Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

[Author]

Posts