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Hi! I’m trying to write a book that I have had the idea for, for sooooo long. And every time I try to start it, I always find something wrong with it. Can you give me your feedback on this first rough draft? I’ts the first little bit of chapter one after the prologue and I personally think its to busy, but I really would like some other peoples feedback! Thank you!
Dishes clattered in the busy restaurant’s kitchen. Voices piled up,making a happy chattering noise. Waiters and waitresses, with flushed faces ran up and down the isles laying food and drinks down on the assigned tables. It was a typical Friday night in a popular restaurant. Tonight however, was different. My parents and my friend’s parents decided to meet at a restaurant to talk about life, politics and whatever else, saying they needed to catch up with each other because it has been a busy month. I can’t complain, Jean Walton is my best friend. As we waited for them my two older brothers began to arm wrestle and my parents were in deep conversation, leaving me alone to observe everyone around me.
First my mom and dad. Mom and dad were pretty average people, mom with red hair, no freckles, a small scar diagonally across her cheek, brown laughing eyes and hardly reached five feet. And dad with his blond hair and blue serious eyes, six foot three. His laugh though, was unique and rare. When he laughed it made you feel light hearted and want to laugh also. My two brothers. Scott who is sixteen and Sam who is fourteen. In my eyes were gross, like every other sister sees their older brothers, but I guess I could see how other girls would find them handsome. Both had blond hair and blue eyes and were very athletic looking. I was so absorbed in looking around that I almost didn’t hear Jean and her family walking to our table. But as Jean said “Hello!” Everyone in the restaurant heard her.
Sure! Would love to read it!
Dishes clattered in the busy restaurant’s kitchen. Voices piled up,making a happy chattering noise. Waiters and waitresses, with flushed faces ran up and down the isles laying food and drinks down on the assigned tables. It was a typical Friday night in a popular restaurant. Tonight however, was different. My parents and my friend’s parents decided to meet at a restaurant to talk about life, politics and whatever else, saying they needed to catch up with each other because it has been a busy month.
Until the sentence with “my”, I didn’t know it was first person. I would establish that pretty fast, because we only see what the narrator see’s and her thoughts/vision is really important. The opening scene for the resturant is great, but I would personally do it through her eyes. “I watch as dishes clatter around me ect. ect.” or “I turn to the side as a waitress wizes past me.”
I can’t complain, Jean Walton is my best friend.
I would call them the waltons instead of “my friends parents” earlier so we know who this is. we can assume, but it is nice to have it be clear.
As we waited for them my two older brothers began to arm wrestle and my parents were in deep conversation, leaving me alone to observe everyone around me.
I would really take some time to make this a bit more descriptive. There is a lot going on, but that isn’t a bad thing. The arm wrestling is a chance to describe the brothers. I find it hard to find places to describe, because later in the story, it has to be pared with another movement. “He brushed his brown hair aside” –now we know his hair is brown. It’s a little easier to do this early, and this is a good spot to have it. Even just a description of the arm wrestling is a chance for us to understand the brothers better. Who is winning? Is one grimacing? Does one look defeated? Is it all in good fun? Are they making a ruckus, causing you to have to tell them to quiet down?
I would describe the parents in deep conversation too. It doesn’t matter what they say, maybe you just do something like this– “My mom leans forwards, too deep in conversation to notice the clatter of the restaurant.” It’s just nice to have a visual of her and what makes her deep in conversation (the leaning forwards)
First my mom and dad. Mom and dad were pretty average people, mom with red hair, no freckles, a small scar diagonally across her cheek, brown laughing eyes and hardly reached five feet.
Idk how to do this differently, but there feels like a change of tense here. “Laughing” is present tense, and “reached” is past. I would separate it. A short description of the scar, her hair and eyes, then one sentences like this “She hardly grew to five feet.”
And dad with his blond hair and blue serious eyes, six foot three.
I know it depends on your writer voice, but usually people don’t start sentences with “and”. You could start it with “and then there’s dad,” It might sound a little more natural.
I think you might have switched tenses here. If you stick with past tense like the rest of it, it would be that he ‘had’ blond hair and serious eyes.
His laugh though, was unique and rare. When he laughed it made you feel light hearted and want to laugh also. My two brothers. Scott who is sixteen and Sam who is fourteen. In my eyes were gross, like every other sister sees their older brothers, but I guess I could see how other girls would find them handsome. Both had blond hair and blue eyes and were very athletic looking. I was so absorbed in looking around that I almost didn’t hear Jean and her family walking to our table. But as Jean said “Hello!” Everyone in the restaurant heard her.
Idk if you want grammer stuff, but it would be “they were gross”
As a rule of thumb most dialogue starts on a new line too. I hardly ever have anything before dialogue. There’s a couple things I would change about the ending here, but you don’t have to do everything, it’s just my way of writing.
I looked around the restaurant and observed the many people coming and going.
“Hello!” Jean said as her family approached our table.
her voice broke me out of my observation. With a voice like hers, the whole restaurant must have heard her.
Ok so mind my creative liberties I do apologize XD I think we should be broken out of her observation just as she was, so the “hello!” gets us understanding what it felt like without warning. I changed the everyone hearing in the restaurant thing because the sentence was going to be too short the way I split it, idk if she has a loud voice or not XD
Anyways, that was really long. I hope it was helpful and you don’t mind the lengthy advice, I like talking about writing. At the end of the day, take what you want and leave the rest, it’s your story 😀
I noticed switching between present tense and past tense sometimes, it’s ok to use one you’re not used too if it better suits your book. I feel like present tense is more personable in a way, so if you want to make the switch I say go for it. I use present tense only and it took awhile before I stopped writing ‘said’ completey.
Also, My writing voice is just really different than yours. I like how yours is written almost like a diary, like I’m being told the story of this girls life as she decided to write it down. It’s nice that way! So some of my advice might be off just because I’m not used to that voice.
You said you often find things you don’t like when writing rough drafts, I say don’t worry about it too much. For a long time I would just write scenes (y’know those little ideas of things that pop into your head? Like what if this person was injured? And what if they said this?). I have so many files of those. And hey, a couple of those scenes made it into my draft! I didn’t start writing from the beginning of my book until I had quite a lot of these, and the start was much easier because of it. I already knew how each character talked and had an idea of the interactions to come. Just write whatever you want too, even if it isn’t finished or sounds off, I’d just keep going with whatever feels fun.
へびは かっこいい です！
Thank you so much! That helps a lot. I think changing it through her eyes would make it a whole lot better. Also describing her family, is something I was struggling on, also writing who the Walton’s were. After I make some edits and add on i’ll post it again. You have helped so much! Thank you!! 😀
Also I might do another few scenes and compare them, the scene above might be to busy for the beginning. But we will see….. 🙂
I pretty much was thinking what @mineralizedwritings was, I just couldn’t say it as well as she does. XD
From this beginning, I can already get a feel for the personality of the POV character. (Who I’m assuming is Shauna 😉 ) If you share more, please tag me! I’d love to read more and hear more about your story!! 😀
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Thanks! I will defiantly tag you! As I told@mineralizedwritings , I might do another few scenes and compare them, the scene above might be to busy for the beginning. 😀
@esther-c @mineralizedwritings
Heres a new beginning to my book! Just let me know how you like it and if you see any errors. Thank you!
I ran down a row of almond trees. Their pink and white blossoms were open and each flower contributed to the sweet, woody perfumed air that was luxurious to breath in. Bark and sticks crunched under my bare feet and I let my medium long blond hair stream out behind me without a care. Birds flew overhead and the sun slipped behind some clouds making the temperature more comfortable. Up and down the rows I went, leaping, bounding and laughing until I was ready to drop down with fatigue. I staggered over to an almond tree that was bent into the shape of a seat that was covered in moss and fallen flower petals and sunk down on it breathing hard. Chickens crowed in the distance and I could hear a girl talking to someone. A girl who you could always hear before you saw her, my best friend, Jean Walton.
Nice! I would say it’s better, but the restaurant scene could have worked with some changes too.
I staggered over to an almond tree that was bent into the shape of a seat that was covered in moss and fallen flower petals and sunk down on it breathing hard.
I would make that sentence separated into two, it’s a little long.
へびは かっこいい です！
I really like it!! I get a feel for the characters even more than the other way you had it. (For me, getting a feel for the characters is really important. 🙂 ) I loved the description!! 😄 Great job!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c @mineralizedwritings
Thank you! Ill make that change and keep working on this one!
@esther-c @mineralizedwritings
I tweaked the first scene in my book and added a bit more! Do you like it? Anything I could add or take away? Any errors you see? If your board of reading basically the same thing you dont have to write back 😀 Thank you!
I ran down a row of almond trees. Their pink and white blossoms were open and each flower contributed to the sweet, woody perfumed air that was luxurious to breath in. Bark and sticks crunched under my bare feet and I let my medium long blond hair stream out behind me without a care. Birds flew overhead and the sun slipped behind some clouds making the temperature more comfortable. Up and down the rows I went, leaping, bounding and laughing until I was ready to drop down with fatigue. I staggered over to an almond tree that was bent into the shape of a seat that was covered in moss and fallen flower petals. Then sunk down on it breathing hard. I was happier than I had been all week. Today was the day the Walton family would be coming back from their year long trip to Europe, and their only daughter, Jean, was basically my only friend I have ever had. We met when we were four years old. My family had just moved into the neighborhood and the Walton family came up to our door to introduce themselves to us. I was very shy at first, but once Jean began talking I warmed right up and from that day on we were inseparable. It was a struggle for me to go back to school without her, I couldn’t seem to be friends with the other girls while Jean was gone, I was the odd one. I had a phone, but no social media on it. I usually didn’t follow the latest trend. I also wasn’t the type of girl to just walk up to people and start talking. So the whole year was just me by myself, feeling invisible. A few times some girls came up to me to talk, but never invited me to do anything else. A few times some boys asked me to play basketball with them, I reluctantly agreed and had the most fun I had ever had at school. But after a while I felt like I didn’t belong in their group anymore. But all that will change once Jean comes back.
🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑
I banged the screen door open, poured myself a cup of ice water and wandered throughout the house, trying to decide what to do while I waited for the Walton’s. No one in my family was home so I was on my own for entertainment. The kitchen was inviting. Sun streamed through the yellow curtain, making the white walls and light green tile blend perfectly together. I walked into the living room, where the walls were wallpapered in red with gold leaves. Mom hated that wall paper and every weekend since we moved here she says,
“Well Stanley, now it’s the weekend. We should look into tearing the wallpaper off a certain room in the house.”
I plopped onto the couch and popped a disk into the player and was comforted by the theme song of my favorite show and nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a voice behind me say,
“Shauna Sarah Smith! Thirteen years old and still watching kindergarten cartoons!”
I spun around completely confused and laughed when I saw who it was. A girl who you could always hear before you saw her, my best friend, Jean Walton.
I like that! There’s one thing I would change though.
I staggered over to an almond tree that was bent into the shape of a seat that was covered in moss and fallen flower petals. Then sunk down on it breathing hard.
This sentence seems a little clunky since you used two adjective clauses. (Or phrases. I forget which one.) And the next sentence seems like an afterthought. Maybe do something more like this:
I staggered over to an almond tree that was bent into the shape of a seat. Brushing aside the fallen flower petals, I collapsed into it, feeling the cool moss against my legs and back.
You don’t have to though. It’s just a suggestion to give you ideas. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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