Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › I’ve started my draft, would you guys keep reading this story?
- This topic has 238 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by MineralizedWritings.
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 9, 2024 at 11:41 pm #180779
@lightoverdarkness6 @freed_and_redeemed @whalekeeper @loopylin @theloonyone
Guys I have a snippet… I think this one might actually make it into the final cut XD
Also this is a comic outline. So you’ll see notes, sorry for the confusion. There’s some things that I can draw but can’t put into words so I have to use notes to myself for how I imagine it.
Lesli inhales, her breath catching on the slimy lining of her throat. She wipes her nose, breath rapidly speeding up. Lesli’s eyes grow wide.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this any longer.
Lesli sinks to the grounds of the mines, her backpack bringing her against the rocky wall. Tears stream down her face.
(Flashback to the argument where she decided to leave. This scene should be shown in panels, but narrated by future Lesli.)
Their voices echoed through the walls of the house. I couldn’t shut it out. I packed my bag, barely knowing what I was doing with myself I didn’t know where I was going, I…
(Lesli walks towards the door with her pack on, her face angry. Her parents are too busy arguing to notice her leaving until she’s already out the door. Her dad runs after her.)
“Lesli!”
I ran for the mines. If there was a way out…
“Lesli where are you going?”
“I’m leaving.”
“No! Lesli…”
“I love you and…”
(Lesli’s eyes grow wide)
“I don’t want you to go.”
out of this mess…
I would find it.
(Lesli looks for a long while, but turns to leave.)
Lesli gets up wearily, her head swimming.
“LES!”
Lesli turns around, as fast as her weary body will allow her.
“LES!” Tauren runs towards her, his backpack julting with each long stride. “Les… you can’t do this! I knew you’d come here and I knew you’d try to leave…”
Tauren reaches out, gripping Lesli’s hand tightly. Lesli closes her eyes, tears leaking out the sides and rolling down her cheeks.
“I’ll come with you!”
Lesli shakes her head, barely turning to look at Tauren. She avoids his gaze.
“But Lesli I love you and…” Tauren pauses to catch his breath. “I’m sorry… if I’ve hurt you.”
Lesli’s eyes widen. Her breath catches in her throat, unshed tears now flowing down her cheeks. She wipes her eyes, the dirt already on her face smearing further.
“You can’t do this alone. None of us can live life alone no matter how hard we try. I know you’re scared Lesli. You’re scared of being hurt again so you push people away.” Tauren squeezes her hand harder. “I’m not leaving you.”
Lesli wraps her arms around Tauren, her head pressing against the chest of his overalls. Tauren rests his hand on the back of Lesli’s head, stroking her hair gently. Lesli’s breathing picks up again, catching in her throat. “I love you too.”
Lesli closes her eyes, listening to the quiet beat of Tauren’s heart.
“You’re ok.” Tauren releases Lesli, wrapping her hand around his arm, and slowly guiding them out of the mines and into the outer reaches.
Lesli laughs, her smile shining bright.
“What?” Tauren laughs.
“We’re doing it. We’re leaving.” Lesli smiles, her white teeth contrasting with the dust of the mines smeared across her face.
“I always knew you’d do something crazy one day.” Tauren smiles. “I just never dreamed I’d be confident enough for us to do it together.”
Lesli smiles, her strength coming back to her as she wipes the last tear from her eye. She grabs Tauren’s hand, pulling him into the mines. Tauren runs by her side, taking one stride for every one of her two.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
June 9, 2024 at 11:42 pm #180780Oh and both of the arcs you are seeing here are deeeeefinetly not a reflection of the author lol
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
June 10, 2024 at 12:28 am #180781I want a Tauren
🎵It takes a long time to wait 🌻
June 10, 2024 at 10:20 am #180785I want a Tauren
Lol sorry ignore that I was so tired last night
Anyway, @mineralizedwritings
I really love it! The parallel between Lesli’s dad and Tauren is really well done. I can’t wait to see it illustrated!
🎵It takes a long time to wait 🌻
June 10, 2024 at 11:15 am #180789Oh and both of the arcs you are seeing here are deeeeefinetly not a reflection of the author lol
*Bombastic side eye*
Anyway, Tauren has such a safe and sweet personality. I would definitely trust him if I needed a protective guy on my side.
#ProtectAdolinKholin
June 10, 2024 at 12:28 pm #180795XD ok but like don’t we all? Tauren is the kind of guy I want in my life and that’s why I wrote him 😅
I’m so glad you like the parallel! I’m pretty proud of it 🙂
XD
Aww I’m glad! That’s what I hoped for him to be 😁
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
July 18, 2024 at 1:12 am #183084@whalekeeper @loopylin @freed_and_redeemed
I have another snippet! This scene is like my new comfort scene. It gives me warm fuzzies inside.
Tauren watches the water ripple, blurring his reflection into itself. A couple small fish flit through the water. Tauren takes off his shoes, dangling his feet in the water.
“It’s nice and cool.” He kicks his feet, sending splashes up into the air. “Come’on.”
Lesli sits down beside him, rolling up the cuffs of her overalls. “Oh, it is nice.” She stares down into the water. The slow current tugs at the bottom of the stream, dragging the tips of the plants downward. The water laps gently against their legs, aided by the afternoon breeze. Lesli shivers.
“What’re you going to do next?” Tauren rests his head in his hands.
“Hm?” Lesli looks up from the water.
“You’re apparently bent on not visiting your family, and you seem to have no interest in making new friends above the surface.”
“Oh.” Lesli pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “I can make some friends up here. But… you know I have a hard time with that.”
“Yeah. I’m telling ya, I know the girl next door is older than you, but she really seems nice.”
“I’ve already messed up with her.” Lesli sighs, kicking her feet against the current. She pulls at the stubby grass on the bank of the stream.
Tauren reaches his hands into the water, watching the current run overtop them. Another breeze whistles through the trees, sending his bangs back against his head. He combs his hair back to neaten it with his wet hands.
“What about you Tauren? You’ve got a whole life ahead of you.”
“Yeah, but I’m not 18 so I don’t have to make any big decisions.” Tauren smirks, turning to look at Lesli. “No no you’re right, I actually worry about it a lot.”
“Are you going to get maaaried??” Lesli leans over to Tauren, cocking her head to the side. She laughs.
“Maybe one day.” Tauren kicks his feet in the water. He brings his hands onto his lap to fidget with the hem of his shirt. “I’m not ready for that.”
Lesli smiles, watching Tauren fidget uncomfortably.
“I—” Tauren starts. “Nevermind.”
“Well—I’ve decided that 25 would be the perfect age to get married at. And that means that I would start dating the girl I would marry at 23, and I would need roughly a year of practice before that, so I have no use of dating until I am 22.”
“Wow, that’s quite the math equation.”
Tauren smiles sheepishly. “yeah…”
“So what happens to all the practice girls when you’re 22?”
“Oh!” Tauren furrows his eyebrows. “…I guess that would be kind of cruel, wouldn’t it. They would think I was serious but in reality… I’d just be taking notes.” Tauren laughs. “I suppose I could date earlier, but I picked 25 because I’d be well established. I guess it doesn’t really do me any good to stress out over useless plans.”
Lesli smiles. “There’s nothing wrong with daydreaming.”
Tauren leans back, laying down in the grass, his feet still in the water. “Well, now that I’ve shared a rather sizeable amount of embarrassing personal information, it’s your turn.”
“My turn?” Lesli laughs, rubbing a couple goosebumps on her arms. ”Oh goodness. What do you want to know?”
Tauren smiles wide. “Oh I dunno… how about something I don’t already know about you?”
“I was asked out last week after work.”
Tauren sits up bolt straight, staring at Lesli. “What really?”
“yeah.” Lesli smiles. “I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I said yes.”
“Who?”
“You know, the clerk who runs the office in the mining department.”
“Hm.” Tauren exclaims, keeping a straight face.
“I know I know, but I’m not waiting until I’m—30, or whatever you said.”
Tauren smiles. “Hey, I said 23… did I?”
“I’m just messing with you.”
Tauren sighs. “Well, I suppose I have no right to complain, I was just saying you should try to make some friends out here. Is he actually down to earth?”
“Yeah, it’s so crazy, I know you know I liked him but like… he’s totally out of my league. I was so shocked!” She covers her mouth. “I guess he took the hint.” Lesli pauses, feeling the hot sensation of blushing.
“Don’t sell yourself short.” Tauren forces a bittersweet smile. “Well, I suppose since your dad isn’t here, I’ll have to be the one to give you permission.” He laughs.
“Oh, come off it, I’m 18.” Lesli laughs, pulling her feet out of the water and standing up.
“I’m kidding I’m kidding. But don’t go getting a broken heart, I’ve had enough of Layson telling me his dating sorrows already.” Tauren stands up, stepping into his boots.
“Don’t worry, I’m responsible.” Lesli says, pulling her socks back on. She wipes her wet hands off in the grass.
Tauren stands, waiting for Lesli to lace her shoes. He presses his hard hat on, flicking on the light. The yellow glow illuminates fresh pollen in the air, blowing in small gusts with the wind. Tauren reaches down to pick up Lesli hard hat, getting to it just before her.
“You take good care of yourself.” Tauren flicks on the light.
“Isn’t that what your mom says?” Lesli laughs, looking up at Tauren as he gently places it on her head.
“You would be correct—” He laughs dryly. “–I guess It’s a family habit.”
Lesli smiles, still giddy with excitement from her announcement. “I’m going to get a good nights sleep tonight so I have plenty of energy for tomorrow.”
Tauren smiles. “You go do that. I’ll see you Tomorrow, Les.”
“Bye!” Lesli runs to Tauren, giving him a quick hug before skipping off into the forest.
“Bye.” Tauren watches as she runs off, slowly shaking his head. He laughs, the sound of her heavy boots clomping through the forest floor still echoing through his mind.
- This reply was modified 5 months ago by MineralizedWritings.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
August 9, 2024 at 12:13 pm #184349Oh my goodness it’s been ages since I’ve been on here (yes you were right. been busy with college prep actually :0) and I randomly popped on today to find this!! Thanks for the tag! I love reading your writing! <3 My favorite part of this scene is Lesli treating Tauren like a kid and him calling her “mom” lol. 🙂 Keep up the good work!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
August 9, 2024 at 12:15 pm #184350Oh my goodness hey!!!
Oh, good luck with that! Sounds like fun and uh stress… lol.
Aw thank you 🥰🥰
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
August 14, 2024 at 10:02 pm #184497@whalekeeper @loopylin @freed_and_redeemed @lightoverdarkness6 @anyone else
Guys do you want to read a really awkward scene
Btw I have had some social interaction almost this bad bc this is how my brain works XD I hope it pains you deeply
***
Tauren meanders around the side of the dance floor, watching as Lesli takes her turn with somebody else. He sticks his hands into his pockets, fidgeting with the lint collecting in the seams.
“Hi!”
Tauren turns to his side to see a medium height girl with long black hair. The lights of the ballroom shimmer against its sleek uniform surface. She smiles, glancing over at Tauren.
He’s Aleshia’s son, right? Cute! I can’t believe I haven’t talked to him yet.
“Hi.” Tauren smiles slightly, turning towards her.
“It’s so cold in here!” She laughs, rubbing her bare arms.
“Yeah.” Tauren says, looking out into the ballroom. He spots Lesli spinning in the opposite corner.
…I guess it’s my turn to say something…
Say something relatable. Isn’t that how she started the conversation?
“My feet hurt.”
“…” 0_0 “…Oh… why is that?”
Not the expected response…
But I’ll take it…
“Because I’m standing on them.”
“Yeah… no kidding.” She crosses her arms. “Maybe your shoes are the wrong size.”
Tauren grips the cuffs of his sleeves, bunching the fabric in his hands.
This doesn’t feel like it’s going well—
–what is it that mom asks when she’s starting a conversation?
“Do you have any plans for the weekend?” Tauren says, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.
“No, I mean… just this.” She shuffles back a step.
“Oh—”
“Yeah, it’s the weekend right now”
“—Yeah, right.” Tauren pulls at the curls hanging down the back of his neck.
This silence is unbearable– Tauren you’re sweating!—She’s done, she’s not trying to save this conversation—you need to leave you need to leave you need to leave—
“Well, it was nice to meet you. I gotta go find my partner.”
“Ah, ok. Nice to meet you too.” She laughs nervously, feigning a smile. Tauren turns quickly, running down the other side of the ballroom.
That was soooo bad!!!
“My feet hurt?” what was I thinking? That was such a weird thing to say.Tauren sighs, shaking his head.
Man, I just need to keep my mouth shut. She liked me before I started talking.
“There you are!” Lesli shouts, running over to Tauren. “You look tired.”
“Yeah.” Tauren laughs. He glances back, making sure the other girl isn’t looking at him.
“What?”
“I just—” Tauren bites his lip. “I just messed up really bad. So bad Lesli.” He shakes his head mournfully.
“What is it?” Lesli says, stepping closer to Tauren. “It’s ok, you can tell me.”
Tauren pulls at his curls again. “I-I dunno what I was thinking, I was talking to this girl over there—” He nods towards the main hall where they were standing. “And I was trying to relatable so I told her my feet hurt.”
Lesli laughs. “Really? I thought you were going to say something much worse.”
“She told me she was cold—Les!” Tauren grips her hands in his. “Was it that different?” He laughs, a smile breaks through his stiff face. Tauren blushes, covering his face in his hands.
Lesli nods. “Yeah, maybe she didn’t like that. Don’t worry about it, Why do your feet hurt?”
“Because I’m standing on them.”
“Is that why?” Lesli laughs, placing her hands on her hips. “Maybe your shoes are too small.”
“Every year I get taller my shoes get too small.” Tauren wiggles his toes through his shoes.
“Well, maybe there’s a benefit to being short every now and then. You want to go sit down or keep dancing?”
“Erm—” Tauren looks back at Lesli. “We can sit down.”
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
August 15, 2024 at 9:44 am #184505Aww Tauren😭😭 He’s so adorably awkward I just wanna give him a hug <3
And I can completely relate…I’ve had interactions like that before as well😂
And ahhhhh girlll the scene you posted before this one was sooooo cuteee, I literally melted🥰🥰
#HugRikerSquad
August 16, 2024 at 4:41 pm #184565Awww yess I made you melt! Or well, Tauren probably did XD
Thanks girl!"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
August 20, 2024 at 2:57 pm #184726@mineralizedwritings oof 😆 that was painfully relatable. Glad he has Lesli around to help him feel better about himself lol
🎵It takes a long time to wait 🌻
August 20, 2024 at 7:22 pm #184760XD painfully relatable is what I was going for! Yep, he needs his bestie.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.