Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › I’ve started my draft, would you guys keep reading this story?
- This topic has 238 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by MineralizedWritings.
-
AuthorPosts
-
January 15, 2023 at 8:12 pm #129240
I’m glad you like them! yeah… what happens to Layson… You might never find out XD As the plot gets more finished I want to have less and less of it out on the internet, in case I get published.
I believe it was already said, I didn’t emphasize it a lot though. Just some foreshadowing.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
February 19, 2023 at 11:39 pm #133788@felicity @lightoverdarkness6 @gwyndalf-the-wise @freedomwriter76 @godlyfantasy12 @theloonyone @loopylin @whalekeeper
@esther-c (HeY hEy!)jkjk XD
@thearcaneaxiom (here’s where I post chapters! You’ll be kinda lost if you start here, no pressure on reading the whole thing though, ik it’s a bit long)Ok next chapter! I have more than this written, just don’t wanna dump it all at once XD
“Public voting?” Desman bustles into the kitchen to refill his coffee mug. “They haven’t had one of those in forever.”
“I know!” Aleshia says with excitement. “I was really surprised when I heard about it.”
“Tauren! You might see Lesli there.” Aleshia says, looking through the open kitchen into the dining room.
“Hm?” Tauren furrows his eyebrows. “What?”
“There’s a voting on this upcoming Saturday.”
“What’s that?” Tauren asks walking towards the kitchen, with an empty plate.
“Oh! I forgot, only us old people have been to one.” Aleshia laughs. “Basically we all gather in the shopping district to vote over some matter. There’s going to be all sorts of fun.”
“Really? This Saturday?” Tauren smiles.
“Yep!”
“Nice.” Tauren navigates out of the kitchen, trying to stay out of the way. “Why has it been so long?”
“Hmm… I think they only have them if it’s something they consider a controversial issue. Otherwise, the representatives from each district vote.”
Desman nods in agreement, leaning against the counter.
“Cool!” Tauren says.
“You’re going to be busy then, helping stock the bake shop?”
“Oh my you are right.” Aleshia looks up at Desman. “I’m sure they’ll need help.”
Tauren smiles.
Haha that means I get to brag about mom’s bread next time I get a chance.
***
Keiryn watches from the background as Owen talks to the representative at the door. They talk in hushed voices, Owen keeping the door half shut behind him.
“Yes, we cannot share the details.” The representative barely talks above a whisper.
“Keiryn?” Owen turns back towards the inside of the house, motioning for Keiryn to join them.
The representative turns towards Keiryn, a friendly but serious look on his face.
“Hi, I think we’ve met before. I’m the professions district representative.” He talks in a formal tone, but with an edge of urgency.
“We’ve had all kinds of things happening this last week. Crazy really.” He laughs slightly, turning back towards Owen.
“One of the locks was broken, in fact the one your keys go to.” He glances over at Keiryn. “So I hear you have them?”
“Um yeah.” Keiryn pulls a thin chain out from around his neck. A small key dangles on the end, and he hands it to the representative.
“Ok, so here’s your new one.” He hands the chain back to him, with a brand-new shiny silver key.
“Thanks.”
“Sure thing.” He gives him a thumbs up before turning to Owen.
“You… said broken?!” Owen furrows his eyebrows.
“Yes. Broken.” He sighs, folding his arms. “The audacity.”
“Anyways, Thank you very much, I need to have a chat with your Dad real quick!” He turns towards Keiryn with a smile.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks!” Keiryn walks back into the house, shutting the door behind him.
Keiryn stays close to the door, pretending to be busy in the kitchen in case anyone came back inside to investigate.
“I was wondering, are you not at all concerned about Keiryn being the one to have the families’ keys?”
“Concerned? Not in the least!” Owen laughs. “What are you thinking?”
“Well… there seems to be an increasing amount of teenagers wanting to leave this place… and I mean I know he’s a great kid. I don’t doubt it. But you never really can know what they’re thinking y’know?”
“Well even so, he doesn’t know what district the key opens. I don’t even know that.”
“Y-yes… I just wonder if it’s means for concern.
“I uh… can reassure you I don’t think that is in the least bit on his mind right now.”
“Ok! Well thanks for easing my concern.” He looks down at the ground, fidgeting with the old key in his pocket.
“Thank you.” He nods curtly, then turns down the hall.
“Yep! See you around.” Owen walks back inside, shutting the door behind himself.
Keiryn keeps his eyes down, avoiding his father’s gaze.
“They say they’re concerned about you having the keys!” Owen laughs heartily.
“Oh- uh really?” Keiryn says, nervousness playing on his voice. “Why is that?”
“Well, you know some teenagers would snatch up that opportunity as soon as they could?”
“What, to leave?” Keiryn answers too fast.
“Y-yes in fact.” Owen looks over at Keiryn, surprised.
“Oh.”
“You know any kids like that? Just itching for a delicious taste of pain and suffering?” Owen scoffs.
Pain and suffering? I’m not used to Dad being the type to talk that way about the outside.
But to be fair, we never even talk about the outside to begin with.
“Uh…” Keiryn furrows his eyebrows, trying to appear deep in thought. “I dunno.”
I know myself, does that count?
Keiryn shifts nervously in front of the door to the cold room, his hand wringing the doorknob.
“Something bugging you?” Owen says mindlessly, barely looking up as he ties a garbage bag.
“-Oh!” Keiryn jolts, quickly making his way out of the kitchen, head down. “Just thinking about everything the representative said.”
That was true. I just heard more than he knows.
“Good stuff to think on. It’s a responsibility you know!”
“Yep.”
“It’s an honor our family was chosen.”
Keiryn cringes slightly.
And to think I could be the one to break that honor…
I can’t. I actually can’t.
Keiryn walks back to his room.
I went through such trouble to figure it out.
Keiryn sits down at his desk, pulling the thin chain back out from around his neck. The shiny silver key glints under the yellow lamplight. Resting his chin on his hand, he looks up at it.
I went through so much to find out what you open.
Memories of his many times with Lila flit through his mind.
We had so much fun! I don’t understand why it was fun, we were tired, getting dirty, and our muscles ached. But I loved doing it for some reason.
The thrill of not getting caught. Of being up late. I’m one of those ‘perfect’ kids, or anyways I tried. I suppose curiosity got the better of me.
Wasn’t there some old saying about curiosity killing…? I can’t remember.
Keiryn puts the chain back around his neck.
I don’t like to admit it, but I think at some point the fear of actually leaving took over, and I was just doing it for fun. It was an excuse to share a memory with somebody else… and I hope she feels the same way.
Keiryn puts his feet up on the desk, ignoring the papers strewn about.
Now would I get ‘burned’ or whatever they say about it if I simply peeked?
But my dad is right. Even if I did, I would still risk the honor of our family. We were chosen to keep something precious, and I was chosen by my dad.
Why was I trusted with a key? One out of only, what, like 7? One for each district?
To think I would just waste my knowledge too…
I’m probably the only one who knows what district their key opens.
And what good does that do for me?
***
“Oh, sorry!” Martha exclaims, hurrying through the hallway.
“Sorry!” Lesli exits her bedroom, nearly bumping into Martha.
“Keiryn is your water bottle large enough?” Martha calls into the living room.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Ok, good.” Martha looks over at Owen. “I feel like I’m forgetting something.”
“Hmm…” Owen looks around. “We’ve got enough food for everyone so… I think that’s it.”
Owen shoulders his bag, walking back into the hallway.
“Keiryn are you almost ready?”
“Yeah.” Keiryn stands by the door, fidgeting with the strap of his backpack.
“I’m coming!” Lesli walks into the living room with her old leather satchel.
“I haven’t seen that bag in a while!” Martha says.
“Yep.” Lesli smiles wryly. “It’s practical.”
She looks around the group, anxious to get started. Pulling open the top of her satchel, she takes a drink from her metal canteen. Scratches adorn the sides, and a large dent in the bottle shows its ware. Lesli wields it with pride.
“We ready?” Martha motions for Keiryn to open the door.
“Yep! Here we go.” Owen brings in the rear as they walk out the door.
“Woah, I’ve never seen the halls this crowded!” Martha exclaims with laugh.
Large groups of families traveling together swamp the hallways, and a noisy chatter fills the background.
“Keiryn you up for this walk?” Owen says, squeezing his shoulder.
“Yes! I’ve walked before, I’m fine.” Keiryn responds with slight annoyance, pulling away from his dad to lead the group.
“Oh of course we know you’ve walked before!” Owen laughs. “You’ve just never walked this far!”
Keiryn sighs.
Lesli looks left and right as they walk. Trying to not bump into the rest of the travelers, she sticks close to her mom. A wild smile cracks through Lesli’s usual disposition, she can barely help it.
“This is probably going to be the biggest thing all year!” She exclaims, turning to the side to face her mom.
“I’d think so! Unless you get married or-“
“Mom! Please I’m really done–”
“Oh, ok.” Martha sighs, but a smile manages through. “I’ll stop saying that.”
“Thanks.”
Keiryn shoots Lesli a sympathetic glance.
“Martha, you know the way there, right?”
“I do! I might use the map a little still though.” She pulls a map out of her bag.
“Good! That will make things easier.”
“It’s a right over here.” Martha points to a dark hallway leading out.
“Wow, spooky right?” Owen says, turning towards Keiryn.
“Hm? I suppose.”
Lesli looks around the dark passageway as they walk, the constant chatter of the professions district slowly fading. She loks down as she smooths out her dress, watching her feet slowly rise and fall.
“You’re going to fast for us Lesli!” Martha says, quickening her pace to come besides her.
“Oh! Oops.” Lesli stops, looking back at the others.
“Keiryn you’re so quiet compared to usual!” Martha exclaims.
“Oh, he’s been like that.” Owen pats Keiryn on the back. “Some teenager thing I suppose.”
Keiryn smiles faintly, his cheeks blushing.
“Well we should have something to make this interesting, we have a lot longer to go! Any suggestions?”
Martha and Owen look at both the kids, awaiting an answer.
Keiryn and Lesli look expectantly at the other, causing the adults to laugh.
***
“I think it’s a right here, let me check the map again.” Martha looks over the map with scrutiny.
Keiryn sinks against the wall next to Lesli, sitting on the cold floor while Owen and Martha try to decipher the best path.
“Mom, I really think It is a right.” Lesli says, stifling a yawn.
“Really? I’m just not so sure.”
Keiryn crosses his arms with a sigh. “It’s a right.”
All eyes turn to him.
“A hunch?” Owen laughs. “You seem very confident.”
Keiryn blushes, realizing his mistake. He looks over at Lesli, who looks concerned.
“Ok! It is a right. We got confused with some marker thing on the map that wasn’t important.” Owen looks over at Keiryn, who quickly looks at the floor.
“Ok! Up we go.”
Keiryn and Lesli slowly get up from the floor, Lesli smoothing out her dress again.
After turning right, they approach a busy intersection. The chatter from the professions district seems to be back, but this time with a rougher tone to it. Working men shout at each other from distances too long, and small groups of children along the edges are scolded by their teachers or parents.
“We’re almost there!” Martha says excitedly, turning back towards the group.
Lesli watches as they pass a small group of children being watched by a young man and women about her own age.
“Oh!” Lesli raises her voice. “Layson!!”
“HI!” Layson smiles wide, looking up from the child he was talking too.
“How are things going?”
Layson tries to ignore the small child, getting frustrated by his shift in attention.
“Alright…” He sighs. “Just watching these kids for a bit so their parents can talk.”
“Nice.”
Lesli glances around, giddy with excitement. People crowd the shopping district halls, making it hard to maneuver without getting in somebody’s way.
Wow! So many people are here!
“I’m going to go look for people.” She turns back to face her mom and the rest of the group.
“Ok, don’t get lost.”
“Don’t worry, I know my way around here.” Lesli takes off into the crowd, leaving Her mom, uncle, and Keiryn behind.
Pushing through the unfamiliar crowd, Lesli weaves her way towards the side wall of the hallway. Out of the way, she scans the crowds for familiar faces. Small families walk by, carrying their little ones or pulling them by the hand. The medium yellow lights illuminate the crowds with a warm homey glow. Lesli looks across the way at a small light green storefront.
The bakery!
Weaving through the throngs of people, she makes her way to the other side. She smiles at the familiar smell of freshly baked goods. A miner a couple years older than herself stands to the side, enjoying a blueberry muffin. He smiles at her sheepishly. She nods at him, returning the smile.
“Hello! Can I help you?”
Lesli turns her attention to the older woman behind the counter.
“Yes! Could I have a blueberry muffin please?” She points at one of the rows of muffins behind the glass.
“Sure thing.”
“You guys seem busy!” Lesli says, reaching into her satchel to retrieve some coins.
The women makes an exaggerated tired face. “You wouldn’t believe it. And Aleshia’s blueberry muffins keep going out, I can’t imagine how busy she must be trying to keep up.”
“Aleshia? Aleshia Faulkner?” Lesli says, beaming with pride.
“Why yes! You know her?”
“Yes! I’m friends with her son.”
“Really?!” She looks up, surprised.
“Yep!” Lesli takes the small cardboard treat box from the woman and slides her payment across the counter.
“Have you seen him?”
“I haven’t, but there is a group of miners over there, he might be with them.” She points a little wase down the hallway.
“Oh!” Lesli leans back to get a better look. “I’ll go check, thanks.”
“Your welcome. And you have a good rest of your day!”
“You too!” Lesli says, waving behind as she walks away.
Stuffing the muffin into her bag, she approaches the group of miners.
The previous miner she had seen by the bake shop pushes into the group and starts conversing with another worker nearby. Slinking nervously around the edges, she watches them talk.
Well they all look pretty identical from this distance.
She scans the group carefully, but they all wear the same blue overalls. Feeling her eyes on his back, the young man from the bake shop turns.
“Can I help you?” He says kindly, still holding the muffin in one hand.
“Oh, uh..” Lesli pauses suddenly made uneasy.
Ack. It’s weird not feeling like a part of that group anymore. I’m just some girl staring awkwardly.
“I’m looking for a friend of mine.”
“Well don’t think you’ll find them here.” He laughs slightly.
“Oh.” She glances around nervously before smoothing out her dress again.
“Do you know Tauren?” She asks, almost too quietly, right as the man turns back to his group.
“Oh what? Tauren?” He narrows his eyes slightly. “Which Tauren?”
“Faulkner?”
“Oh!” A look of surprise comes over his face. “You’re that girl!”
“Hm?”
“You worked in the mines… oh sorry I might be mixing you up with somebody else.”
“That’s me!” Lesli tries in vain to hide the smile cracking across her face.
I guess it feels good to be recognized.
“I worked 2nd shift until this last year.”
“Oh cool! I work in the morning.”
“I can tell!” Lesli says with a laugh, nodding at his brown shirt.
“Oh! Yeah.” He laughs nervously. “Well I think he’s just on the other side of this group here.”
Lesli’s gaze follows his hand over to the opposite side of the mass of workers.
“Thanks!”
“Yeah!”
Skipping around to the other side, she timidly approaches the group. Nearly a foot shorter than everyone there, she feels her stomach tighten. Loud voices erupt in conversation from the center of the group. Looking up, her eyes fall on a mass of brown curls.
“Hey!!” She shouts, tugging on Tauren’s arm.
All eyes turn towards her, the sole female voice in the group.
“Les!” Tauren turns around, a big smile on his face. “I knew you’d be here.”
Lesli beams, no longer feeling out of place in the group.
“…Lesli Mintz?” A miner across the group leans forward apprehensively.
“Yeah?”
“Oh! That is you. I wasn’t sure.”
“Yep. That’s me.”
“Tauren, I got a blueberry muffin if you want to split it with me.” Lesli says, looking up at Tauren.
“Oh thanks! You could’ve gotten a free one at my place.” Tauren says, gesturing down the hall towards the residential area.
“Yeah, I just wanted to buy something at a familiar shop. It was only after I had asked for it I realized your mom made it. Smells amazing by the way.”
Tauren smiles. “Her baking always does.”
“Yeah. Anyways, what’s the vote about?”
Tauren stiffens. “Oh. Maybe we should just wait and see. I happen to know some things about it I said I wouldn’t share. I think there going to spill the whole thing out for us to see in a bit though.”
“You know something about it? Like what?”
“Like, I know who.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Hmm… I suppose I was…” Tauren lowers his voice. “In a place I shouldn’t have been… you know.”
Lesli furrows her eyebrows.
Ah. By the trapdoor.
“Why did you go there?”
“Just for a peak. I dunno.” He pauses. “You’ll see. It’s not the most pleasant predicament. I’m not involved in it though. I just saw what happened.”
“Hm. Well ok then, let’s find a table and eat this muffin.”
“Sounds good.”
Lesli and Tauren weave their way through the central meeting area, finding a spot to sit on the floor.
“It’s a little cold, isn’t it?” Tauren rubs his hands together.
“Yeah.” Lesli digs in her bag for the muffin. “Winter should be over soon though.”
“I hope so.” He smiles. “What makes the seasons you think?”
Lesli furrows her eyebrows. “I don’t know. Perhaps the same force that make earthquakes?”
“Hmm. That would make sense.”
“Here.” Lesli hands Tauren half the muffin in the wrapper.
“Thanks.”
Tauren looks across the large room towards the stage, an old wooden platform, hardly used but on special occasions. Wood shows through the black paint in the most common standing areas, and a small stand comes forth from the center. Large groups of people sit on the floor, and a distant chatter roams throughout the room. Many faces of different faces are illuminated by the medium yellow lighting.
“It’s really good.” Lesli says, wrapping her handkerchief around her leftovers and stuffing it into her satchel.
“You should tell my mom if you see her.” Tauren glances behind them. “She’s somewhere around here, I’m sure.”
Both of them turn to look towards the stage as six representatives, dressed formally, climb the stairs, and stand in a row towards the back. Tauren watches as the mining district representative comes forth towards the stand and adjusts a large microphone, one of the only ones in the entire bunker.
“Greetings. I thank you all for attending. I am Philip Keaton, Mining district representative. As you may know, we have not had a public voting in a very long time. We have a matter to present today that will alter the future of how we deal with issues like the one we will speak of and felt it important for everyone to participate. Thank you again for coming.”
The representative takes a sip from his water glass, then walks slightly to the side of the stage. He motions for one of the bystanders close to the stage to join him. A young man approaches the stage edge, obviously nervous. He grips the rail tight as he climbs the short stairs, then comes to stand next to the representative. Pulling at a braid in his bangs nervously, his eyes dart around the large crowd.
“What! What happened?” Lesli whispers to Tauren. “Layson?”
Tauren nods, his face solemn.
“What did he do?” Lesli whispers, to herself.
“Here we have Layson Pembrick, one of our Miners. On This last Saturday, he was found in the back of the mines, near the site of our exit trapdoor. Awhile previous, the lock on the trapdoor had been broken. We all believe him to be the one who broke the lock, the question remains what to do about it.”
Layson visibly cringes as the representative continues.
“We have come to two conclusions. We throw him out of the bunker into the outside—”
The crowd gasps. Lesli looks over at Tauren, who’s eyes remain fixed on the stage.
“–That might as well be known as a death sentence, we do not know the outside conditions. Or, we could find a decent punishment to keep these things from happening again.”
“OUTSIDE!” A loud voice yells from the crowd, and the rest of the gathered people murmer among themselves.
“If you have any questions, you can come and ask one of us here. Layson refuses to give more information to us, but also does not deny it was him.”
The representative pauses, nodding at Layson. He exits the stage.
“And don’t go pepper the kid with questions, who knows why he did that, it doesn’t matter.” His voice turns slightly annoyed as he looks towards the rowdy section of the crowd.
“Ok! We’ll give you guys about one hour to think, discuss if you like but choose the option you think is right. The protocol chosen will likely stand the test of time, so choose wisely.”
He looks around at the crowd one last time. “You are dismissed, thank you again for attending.”
A loud murmur erupts from the groups sitting on the floor as people begin to stand.
“Wow.” Lesli looks over at Tauren. “I kind off don’t doubt it. He’s the type to do something brash like that.”
Tauren nods. “I would like to know what he was doing.”
“Same.” She looks over towards the edge of the stage. “I want to ask him.”
Tauren shrugs. “I bet he’s got a lot going through his head right now. Don’t get me wrong, I want to ask him too.”
So yeah… what do yall think?
HEHEHE
*rubs author hands together*
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
February 19, 2023 at 11:39 pm #133789February 20, 2023 at 1:30 pm #133811@esther-c (HeY hEy!)
jkjk XD
Lol XD
I’ll try to start reading from the beginning today. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
February 20, 2023 at 5:33 pm #133899Ooo, I think I know what the votes gonna be…
The setting is so fascinating!! I love reading about the halls and districts!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
February 20, 2023 at 6:36 pm #133909Thanks! Yeah, the shopping district is one of my favorite things to write.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
February 20, 2023 at 7:02 pm #133917And if you don’t feel like it np 😉
I just wanted to remind you it existed XD
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
February 20, 2023 at 8:47 pm #133941OOOOOO the sUsPenSe *joins you in the rubbing of hands*
*eagerly awaits the next snippet, if you choose to share another one*
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19February 20, 2023 at 10:40 pm #133956XDXD glad the suspense is getting you lol! That might have actually been the last one lol 😂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
February 21, 2023 at 2:38 pm #134022XD Suspense is great.
*sadness* Aw… but I understand. Good luck to drafting the rest of it! =)
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19May 26, 2024 at 11:40 pm #180086@lightoverdarkness6 (Are you alive?) @felicity (Busy with adult stuffs? XD I know you have little time but I wanted to tag anyways) @freed_and_redeemed @whalekeeper @loopylin @theloonyone (ik you might be busy, ignore if you like) @smiley (I think you joined after I was done with this topic, hopefully my writing is better now lol)
*Dusts off year old topic*
Phew, 34 pages back and I finally found it XD I’m going to have to copy this off because I’ve totally lost my first first draft! Good thing kp has a copy!
Anyways, thank you to those who did read this thread all those ages ago, I’m going to attempt to revive it with some newer writing bc why not. My new draft is about 28k, and it’s much better planned. Characters have changed roles and there’s a new inciting incident, it’s really different. Anyways, enjoy a snippet.
This is like uhhh chapter 27 or something.
A late night read
Tauren rubs his face across his sleeve. Sweat mixes with soot from the drill, creating a charcoal smear across his forehead. He pushes up his glasses before splashing up cold water from the utility sink. The other miners walk slowly about, tired from their long day. They slowly trickle out the door, leaving Tauren alone in his corner of the room. He rubs the soot from his face, savoring the burn of the cold water over his overheated skin.
“Aragh!” Tauren spits as some of the soot juice accidentally enters his mouth. He wipes the water out of his eyes, blinking to get a better view of his surroundings. He looks up slowly, his eyes focusing on the short blond to his side.
“Hey.” Tauren pushes down his glasses, finding them barely clean enough to see out of. “What’re you doin’ here?”
“Just came to check on you!” Lesli smiles, looking around at the familiar surroundings. “I went over to your house to hang out but your parents said you weren’t home yet. They were getting worried.”
“Worried?” Tauren wipes his face off on the towel beside the sink. “It’s just 10 minutes later.”
“Yeah.” Lesli stands on her tippy toes, plucking Tauren’s glasses off his face. She pushes her way in front of the sink, running the lenses under the cold water.
“I can do that–”
“–You weren’t going to though.”
Tauren stuffs his hands into his overall pockets. “Jus don’t be too nice to me or one of the guys here will start ragging on me about having a girlfriend.”
Lesli rubs soap onto the lenses. “Oh come on, they know who I am.”
“Yeah but they won’t recognize you with your bows and stuff.”
Lesli shrugs, reaching over to hand Tauren his glasses. “H-hey I can–”
Tauren rolls his eyes, letting Lesli place his glasses back on. “Gee, thanks mom.”
“Come on.”
Tauren grabs his bag off the bench as Lesli pulls him to the door. “Where are we going?”
“Your place!”
“Why is it always my place? Tauren catches up to Lesli in a few strides, pulling his arm out of her hand.
“Cuz your parents are cool.”
“Your parents are cool too.” Tauren hikes up his bag on his shoulder.
Lesli glances over at him, but doesn’t say anything.
“…How.”
“Hmm, well… you mom has relatives from out of town; your dad is great at the bean bag throw game…” Tauren sighs. “I know Les, I just miss hanging out at your place.”
“…We can hang out at my place. But we’re going in my room with the door shut.”
Tauren sighs. “Oh fine. We’ll be at my place.”
“What’s there to like about my place anyways?”
“Y’know Les, I get tired of my parents sometimes. I know you really like them, but they just can’t leave me alone.”
“Oh.” Lesli shrugs.
***
“Lookit this!” Lesli scoots closer on the couch next to Tauren, pointing at a couple lines in her book. He pauses to read it, then smiles. “Yeah.”
“You don’t think it’s funny?!”
“No.” Tauren raises an eyebrow. “You can though.” He says, sticking his nose back in his book to hide a smile.
“Ugh.” Lesli laughs, leaning her head on Tauren’s shoulder.
“Hey.” Lesli whispers, looking up at Tauren. He pulls his book away slightly to look down at her. “…Can you put your arm around meeeee…. It’s just super cozy and…”
Tauren glances up at his mom, who emerges from under the countertop with a stack of towels.
“You two are so cute.” She laughs, turning to head into the hallway.
Tauren’s lips press together in a thin line. He shakes his head at Lesli, pulling away from her slightly. Lesli sighs, pretending to pout.
“What.”
“What?”
“You don’t like that then go tell her!” Lesli nudges Tauren with her elbow. “You’re plenty old enough to care.”
Tauren furrows his eyebrows, staring after her mom. “It’s ok, we can just wait until they go to bed.”
“—But she’ll never stop. You’ll be like 40 years old and she’ll still be saying that.”
“Argh.” Tauren leans over, burrowing his fingers into his hair.
“Just go do it. She won’t mind as much as you think she will.”
“Oh all right.” Tauren gets up, filing his paperback book onto the couch. “MoooOOm!”
“Yes honey?” Aleshia turns towards Tauren with a smile as she places the last towel in the hallway pantry.
Tauren pauses, fiddling with the cuff of his flannel sleeve. “….Can you stop calling us cute like that… please… I just–” Tauren rubs the back of his head, staring down at the floor. “It makes our time less enjoyable…”
“Oh, sure.” Aleshia frowns slightly, but quickly corrects it with a smile. She reaches up to ruffle his hair, but Tauren catches her hand.
“Oh ah– that’s kinda Les’s thing– maybe…” Tauren blushes, his face tensing like a statue.
“Oh–” Aleshia pulls her hand back, using it to tuck her hair behind her ear instead. “I didn’t know that.”
“I-it’s ok. Thanks mom.” Tauren gives his mom a quick hug before disappearing around the corner. He shimmies over to the couch, face bright red.
“Les, that was terrible…” He sits down on the couch next to her, sending the book bouncing in the air.
“No it wasn’t! You did great.” Lesli smiles, scooting up into her previous position next to Tauren.
“Hmm.” Tauren’s eyes follow his mom down the hallway. “I don’t like making mom sad.”
Lesli looks up at Tauren. “I don’t think she’s sad.”
“She is.” Tauren frowns, easing his arm around Lesli. “Anyways.”
“Oh! Where were we…”
Lesli holds up her book where Tauren can see it, flipping the pages for them.
“Which one is this?”
“You don’t know?!” Lesli exclaims, turning over the book to show the cover. “‘Divided Love’ is a mining district classic.”
“Oh! That one. I haven’t read it.”
“Too much gooey for you?” Lesli laughs.
Tauren laughs too, flipping further into the book. “I dunno. What’s your favorite scene?”
“Oh…” Lesli blushes, holding the book open about two thirds through. Tauren leans over, squinting through his glasses to see the pages better.
“Goodness Les–” He says, adjusting his glasses. “I–” his voice trails off, a puzzled expression on his face.
“I didn’t know you were such a romantic.” Tauren laughs.
Lesli blushes, pulling her knees onto the couch. “Oh not really… I just like it.”
Tauren laughs, reading over her shoulder.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
May 29, 2024 at 12:15 pm #180157Yayyy more Tauren and Lesli content! I really enjoyed reading that. Your dialogue is really realistic and fun and I loved that description at the beginning <3
🎵It takes a long time to wait 🌻
May 29, 2024 at 2:24 pm #180168They’re so squeal worthy, but also realistic <3 Honestly my personality would be Tauren in that situation 😛
#ProtectAdolinKholin
May 31, 2024 at 10:47 am #180282Oh my goodness Min they are SO adorable🥰🥰 I love your writing so much girl!!! <3
And I’m so sorry I haven’t been very active😭 I have started trying to write more frequently so I’ll hopefully be on more <33
#HugRikerSquad
June 2, 2024 at 11:15 pm #180437XD thank you! I’ve been trying really hard to make the dialogue realistic so I’m glad to hear you say that!
Thank you! XD
Thanks! <3<3
Not being active isn’t something to apologize for girl!! I don’t want you to be a internet addict lol
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.