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Okay, I may need some help with google docs… I don’t use it much but that seems to be the preferred method here 😀
I am planning on publishing my first novel in June and it’s out for final editing. One of my most trusted readers said that the first chapter is extremely boring, but for once her opinion and mine are clashing, so it would be great if a few people could read it and tell me what they think – I just want an overall opinion from as many people as possible. I’ll try to put a link but we’ll see how it goes…
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w-jLNQJdEcg0GudpuirUEzQ1WEIRz5kmAptlgJDSkHU/edit?usp=sharing
@dekreel @valtmy @warrenluther04 @skredder @rochellaine @that_writer_girl_99 @notawriter @sam-kowalSilence! Silence everyone, for the king's speech!
*sighs*
I hate to say it, but I think your friend was right.
It’s not a bad thing, necessarily. The chapter introduced the family dynamic, and introduces a few things that will (obviously) come into play later in the story, but it doesn’t have a whole lot of oomph–by which I mean, something that draws the reader into the story. There’s something to be said for low-action scenes–they can be hard to write, and you did a great job with that here–but I’m of the belief that the first chapter of a story should introduce some sort of conflict along with the characters.
Your protagonist, if I understood it right, is August? He seems like a great character, but after reading this chapter, I don’t know why I should care about him (which probably sounds harsher than I mean it to be, sorry), or what his motivations are. What does he want? What does he struggle with? The fact that he’s okay with moving is a little interesting, but it doesn’t tell me a whole lot about his character, so honestly, I don’t care about him yet. But I’ve only read the first chapter (I’d love to read the rest, you have a great writing style), so that could change.
So…yeah. This chapter seems fairly plot-driven, which is fine, but that also means that the characters’ personalities and personal conflicts need a bit more to shine through. I think the chapter has great potential, but it could use a bit more pizzazz.
…whatever that means.
Hope this helps!
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@that_writer_girl_99 Thanks for your input! I suspected she was right, I was just kind of hoping she wasn’t because I’ve written the first chapter of this book at least twenty times. That’s the way of writing, though 🙂
Silence! Silence everyone, for the king's speech!
It is, definitely. You’ll get it right, though, I know it. 😉
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@mnvalentine Thank you for letting us read this. I have to say that I am pretty curious as to what happens after this chapter. But, it does seem a bit stagnant. It didn’t feel like anything was really moving. Even the part where they had to rush to move everything in a week didn’t feel hurried. The characters themselves didn’t seem to move much. August seemed apathetic about everything. I can understand that behavior when told about how he’s treated and seen by those around him, but he needs something to endear him to the readers.
That being said, I think that the premise of the story is pretty good. I’m intrigued. 🙂
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder Thanks so much for your feedback and encouragement!!! Do you feel it would be better if it was shorter and had a little more conflict and/or humor?
Silence! Silence everyone, for the king's speech!
@mnvalentine Shorter would probably help. I don’t think you necessarily need more conflict as much as you should capitalize on the conflict you’ve got. Humor would also help move the story on a bit faster. 🙂
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@mnvalentine Thank you for sharing! I do agree with Elizabeth and Skredder. It is a little to dull and slow moving, even though its great for establishing some facts. I like how you described the characters. Now I am curious to read more. 🙂 I have terrible times with my first chapters too. So exiting you are so close to publishing!
"In a mask, was he?"
@mnvalentine I think it is somewhat boring, in a way. Of course, there’s the question, ‘What’s going to happen next?’ which is partially engaging and makes me want to read more. But, the characters and the conflict didn’t drag me in for the first chapter. August has some conflict because he’s not as popular as Trent, but he didn’t seem to want to do much about it. The conflict is all planted, but it doesn’t seem to have sprouted. So, in that case, I think you need some more tension and more character yearning. What’s August’s plan in all of this?
I can understand your friend’s advice, because I went through sort of the same thing. I shared my second novella with some of my friends, and they were like “Yawn.” So I’ve had to work on that
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.I agree with what everyone else has said. I think the problem has to do with the pacing and the passiveness of the main character. There is a lot of description that slow the story down and much of the information conveyed through dialogue could have easily been summed up in a few lines.
Just some thoughts…
#1: The article in the beginning… I think the story will flow better if you insert it in the story when you have August research a little about the Yvexas. I can sense a similar rush to introduce the characters but this is not absolutely necessary so long as the reader knows enough to understand what’s going on (August’s family is moving for his mother’s new job). Bring in the information as and when it is needed. In fact, I think some of the characterization would be better conveyed through showing instead of being stated outright (e.g. you can show that August’s father is a layabout and remove the telling of his background, you can show Trent making friends more easily after they move).
#2: I understand the need to introduce the characters in their “normal life” before they go on their “adventure” but I don’t see anything particularly interesting in August’s “normal life” that warrants so much exposition. In this case the story can just start off with August’s mother getting the job offer with just a short mention of her job search. In fact, you can just start off with the family arriving at the Yvexas’ and briefly explain the context if their time with the Kramers is not relevant to the plot.
#3: Speaking of which, what do August and Trent have against Jason Kramer? Sure he’s rich and his children got into college easily but he got his secretary to write his mother a letter of recommendation. So far there’s no indication that he is not a decent employer. Leaving things like this just make August and his brother seem like petty kids who are jealous of rich people (how old are they by the way?). Perhaps some context as to why the Kramers are apparently so bad (they flaunt their wealth, they bully the brothers and think of them as servants etc.) would help the reader feel for August and understand why he is so eager to move.
#4: Is this written in August’s POV? If so, why does he refer to his parents by their first names instead of Father and Mother? Is it a peculiar character trait of his? Because as I was reading I just got confused and briefly thought Susan was August’s sister or something.
#5: The whole “sibling is more popular and better at everything” thing… I am personally rather tired of this cliche so I’m a little wary but since you’re writing it I trust that some important developments will come from there. 😉
@ariel-ashira @sam-kowal @valtmy Thanks so much for your help!! After all this feedback I’m probably going to go back to the previous version of the first chapter and see if I can improve it a little so I like it better (it’s a version my friend likes). It’s shorter and establishes the characters and relationships better. On that note, the reason I didn’t like that chapter is because it isn’t in the same tone as the rest of the story. Do you think that’s a problem?
Thanks again for all your advice!! 😀
Silence! Silence everyone, for the king's speech!
@mnvalentine I cannot read it as of right now because I have to go, but I just wanted to tell you that I’ll beta-read the first chapter for you and get back to you on this. 🙂 If I’m writing tomorrow, which I hope to be, I’ll read it. 😀 But I liked the
newspapermagazine article you included!Kapeefer 'Till We're Old and Grey!
ENFJ-T ... I think (haven't taken the quiz in awhile)@sam-kowal You actually counted the number of turtles in Daeus’ signature? Impressive! 😀
And @mnvalentine , I’m sorry I’m getting back so late: I was on hiatus. 😐
Kapeefer 'Till We're Old and Grey!
ENFJ-T ... I think (haven't taken the quiz in awhile)
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