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Okay, I said I’d post something from my last book, A Dream Come True, so here is the pitch and the first chapter!
First, the pitch:
Elinor and her twin brother Aedan were supposed to be like children to the Dickinsons. Instead, the Dickinsons treat them more like slaves. When Aedan learns that the Dickinsons are planning to sell them as servants to the royal family of Tiniria, Aedan and Elinor escape–only to be captured by the Royal Guard and forced to work as servants in the castle.
But while working for the royal family, Elinor begins to learn more about herself and a past that she never knew. She and Aedan try to meet while avoiding the watchful Prince Durwin. But when Elinor’s hopes are dashed, she and Aedan escape again. This time they flee into more danger than Elinor has ever known–a danger that can only be overcome by love.
Chapter One
“We need to talk tonight,” Aedan whispered, leaning over the table towards me. “It’s urgent.”
I nodded and looked down at my history book just as our governess and guardian, Mrs. Dickinson, entered the room. She was tall and thin, with a sharp nose and sharper eyes. Her graying brown hair was twisted into a severe, tight knot on the back of her head.
“No talking, Aedan and Elinor. Write ‘I will not talk while studying’ a hundred times before telling me you’re done with your work.”
She sat down and picked up a book, muttering. “I hate having to teach children who do nothing but talk . . . If only that idiotic man hadn’t promised your father we’d give you an education . . . .”
I stared at my copybook, not daring to look at Aedan. I trusted my twin brother, of course—he was the only person I did trust—but I wondered what he had to tell me that was so important.
“Elinor.”
I shuddered uncontrollably.
“Why aren’t you doing what I told you to?”
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” I whispered.
I dipped my pen in the inkwell, glancing furtively at Aedan. He was bent over his copybook, his dark brown hair falling over his forehead.
A few hours later, I had finished the seemingly endless copying and made a list of the kings of Tiniria. I hoped for a chance to speak to Aedan, but Mrs. Dickinson gave me chore after chore, and Aedan went outside with Mr. Dickinson to get meat for dinner. Aedan was a decent hunter with the bow and arrow, and he knew the basics of sword fighting. My secret theory was that the Dickinsons wanted Aedan to be able to defend them against the many thieves and bandits that lived in the woods around us, but they didn’t want him to get good enough to kill Mr. Dickinson if he wanted to.
I was pulling up carrots in the garden when I heard Mrs. Dickinson calling.
“Elinor! Where are you, you lazy child?”
I stood up, my apron full of vegetables, as Mrs. Dickinson came around the corner of the house.
“There you are! And I’ve been looking for you this whole time. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be making supper. Why do you never do what you’re told? Don’t forget, child, that Mr. Dickinson and I only took you in out of the goodness of our hearts. You ought to be grateful.”
I didn’t even try to explain that I was gathering carrots and potatoes to make supper. I knew from experience and several bruises that it was useless to do anything but go along with what Mrs. Dickinson told me to.
Then I had to cook supper—with Mrs. Dickinson’s eyes on me the entire time. My hands shook so badly that I nearly cut my fingers with the knife as I chopped the rabbit meat that Mr. Dickinson had brought back.
“Really, Elinor!” Mrs. Dickinson scolded. “You are the clumsiest girl I have ever seen!”
She glared at me as if she wanted to hit me. I shrank against the wall. At that moment Mr. Dickinson entered, stoop-shouldered because of the low ceiling.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Stew and bread, if that thumb-fingered girl can make it without injuring herself.” Mrs. Dickinson lowered her voice a little. “Only one more day.”
My heart stopped beating. What did that mean? Were they planning to get rid of us in some way?
My hands kept cutting carrots, but my mind was running. What were they planning to do? Take us to the woods in the night and murder us? I realized that I hadn’t seen Aedan since he left to go hunting. Where is he?
I slipped out of the kitchen—Mrs. Dickinson wasn’t looking—and hurried along the dark hallway. As I turned a corner, I ran into Aedan.
“You’re alive!” I cried, throwing my arms around my brother. “I thought Mr. Dickinson had murdered you—”
“What are you talking about?” Aedan asked, pulling my arms off him. “Whatever it is, tell me later. Finish making supper and we’ll talk afterwards.”
I crept back into the kitchen unnoticed—Mr. and Mrs. Dickinson were arguing about affording to take care of us now—and soon had the stew over the fire to boil.
Supper, as usual, was long and miserable. The Dickinsons argued, and Aedan and I ate what little we had appetite for. Afterwards, I did the dishes by myself, trying to ignore the yelling coming from the dining room.
Not for the first time, I wondered what it would be like to have loving parents. As our mother had died when Aedan and I were born, our father had left us with the Dickinsons. He had died when I was four. I had just one faint memory of a tall dark-haired man swinging me over his head, laughing. Corwin. My father. Dead.
I put on my nightgown in my small, dark bedroom, climbed under the covers, and waited to hear Aedan’s tap on my bedroom door. Finally it came. The hallway was dark, but I could feel the urgency in Aedan’s voice.
“I don’t think we’ll be safe here much longer,” he whispered. “The Dickinsons don’t want us.”
“Mrs. Dickinson said something about only one more day.”
“I know. I don’t know what they’re planning to do, but they’re not going to waste time about it.”
“What can we do?”
“Nothing, when we don’t know what they plan to do. But be on your guard.”
I heard footsteps on the stairs. Aedan and I darted to our bedrooms. As I stared at the dark ceiling, I felt an inexplicable longing in my heart. What is it like to have a father who loves you?
†††
“We must run away!” Aedan whispered fiercely, shaking my shoulder.
I sat up in bed, blinking in the light of the candle he held. It illuminated his high cheekbones and square jaw, but his deep-set eyes were in shadow.
“We were right. I heard—”
“Tell me later,” I whispered. “What should I bring?”
“Clothes, a blanket, anything you think would be necessary. I’m going to get food.”
“Get candles and a map, too.”
Aedan slipped out of the room, leaving the candle. I put on a dress, rolled two others in my blanket, and pushed the roll into the pack I had hidden under my bed. Quickly I braided my long brown hair, but my fingers were stiff with cold and nervousness. Finally leaving the Dickinsons, after nearly fifteen years of misery, was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. All my nerves felt like they were on fire.
I met Aedan in the kitchen. “Ready?” he whispered. “I have my dagger, too. We’ll leave through the storm cellar.”
We put on our cloaks, crept down the ladder into the basement, and made our way to the door into the storm cellar. Aedan unlocked the trapdoor.
Outside, the night was cool for late August. I held the trapdoor for Aedan as he climbed out, then lowered it softly.
A dark forest rose behind the small house that we had called home for as long as we could remember. Aedan and I entered the shadows under the trees, found the dirt trail that led through the wood, and began our journey. We had played here as children and knew every rock and tree, even in the dark.
“Tell me what you heard,” I said, running a few steps to catch up with my brother. He was a head taller than me, and his long legs covered more ground than mine.
“We were right. The Dickinsons plan to send us to Castle Anisa to be servants. We were to leave tomorrow morning.”
“Aedan! You weren’t eavesdropping!”
“Of course not. I can’t help it if people talk outside my bedroom door.”
Neither of us said anything for a while. Then I broke the silence. “Did they say why?”
“We’re getting too old, and we ought to fend for ourselves. We are almost fifteen. They’ve never liked caring for us. You’ve heard how Mrs. Dickinson complains about teaching us. And the castle pays for servants.”
Aedan was silent for a moment. “Then Dicky said something odd.”
So . . . thoughts? Do I explain setting, appearance, etc. enough for the first chapter? Do you start to understand personalities? Would you be interested in reading more?
I’m going to tag a bunch of people, but you don’t have to reply and you can definitely reply if I didn’t tag you!
@madelyn @starofthenorth @kathleenramm @freedomwriter76 @mineralizedwritings @ava-blue @elishavet-pidyon @koshka @power @whalekeeper @godlyfantasy12 @theloonyone @loopylin @lightoverdarkness6 @felicity @joy-caroline @wilder-w @folith-feolin @keilah-hBe brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellI really like it! I love the character’s immediately, and want to know what happens next! 😀
The only thing I might suggest is just making it a little longer, for a first chapter it was pretty short. That’s just me though, I like to describe things a lot, therefore my chapters are a bit long. A lot of the description you used of the mc’s was really good, like I could imagine it well. I liked the way you described the urgency too!
If you wanted to make it a bit longer, I would add more description of them leaving. Gathering things hastily, running through the mental list, trying to leave without making a sound, the twigs crunching on the ground, whatever the little moonlight there is, the door creaking as they leave, anything that sets the mood! Anyways, that’s just my 2 cents, I thought it was really good! 😀
へびは かっこいい です！
My sis, bro and I read it and here’s our thoughts, respectively:
Absolutely intriguing, really pulls you in, can’t wait for more!
Decent…if I picked up this book I would keep reading.
I really like it! The twin dynamic is fun. As for personalities, I’m sort of getting that Aedan is resourceful, alert and protective of his sister. Elinor is evading me as far as a really strong personality…overall I can’t wait to read more! The cliffhanger at the end is great!!!
He must increase, but I must decrease.
First off, I love your name! I don’t believe we’ve met yet. I’m Lightoverdarkness6, a young teenage girl who loves writing, reading, playing piano, and exploring in the woods near our house. I saw that you love Lotr and Monte Cristo!! I do too! Who’s your favorite character? My favorite from Lotr is Samwise Gamgee or Aragorn and my favorite from Monte Cristo is Edmond.
Of course you knew that. He’s the main character, why did I even say that😂🤦🏻♀️😅.Second, that was a great first chapter! I love how you get the feel of the siblings relationship and their personalities. I have twins in my book too! Writing a twin dynamic is so fun, isn’t it?!
I agree with @mineralizedwritings, you could make it a little more detailed when they leave, and maybe show more of them with the Dickenonsbut other than that, I don’t have any critiques.
#HugRikerSquad
Oh! I love it. The characters are intriguing, the setting/world is interesting, and the concept is really fun. I want to read the rest!
I especially liked the way you describe the characters bit by bit. The piece where the candlelight is illuminating Aedan’s face was an especially fine part to read. I love the way it formed his features in my mind.
And I love your names! And the memory of their father. It was beautiful.
A few thoughts as to critiques.
The way thoughts were stated instead of shown was a little jarring. For instance, the speed to which she jumped to the conclusion of murder, while it illustrates her tenseness, it doesn’t tell us why she’s tense. We see that she can believe the Dickinsons of murder, but we don’t quite believe it for ourselves. When Arden is safe, we aren’t surprised like she is.
Perhaps if we saw more of the Dickinsons’ characters, we would be in Elenore’s shoes easier. Have they been vengeful before? Violent? Are dark conversations common? They seem to be, bit we’re not quite sure.
Does that make sense?
I would also like it if it went a little slower at first, with more details about their day. We seem to be starting off with a catalyst in the midst of our orientation, if you will. I’d like to get to know these awesome characters a little better before we go off on the adventure.
Then again, I am the person that likes to make my years long, my countries giant, and my unwritten books into series. Lol!
All in all, it’s really a joy to read. I love these characters and this story. They truly have captured my imagination!
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
The only thing I might suggest is just making it a little longer, for a first chapter it was pretty short.
I know, I write kind of short chapters. When I was younger, I used waaaay too much description and purple prose. Then I reacted against that and barely described anything at all. Now I’m trying to train myself back into describing everything I need to! I’ll work on that.
Gathering things hastily, running through the mental list, trying to leave without making a sound, the twigs crunching on the ground, whatever the little moonlight there is, the door creaking as they leave, anything that sets the mood!
Thank you, that helps a lot and should add to the general urgency! Thank you so much!
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellThank you, and thank your brother and sister too! It was great to get three opinions! (And I’m glad they were all positive, LOL!)
The twin dynamic is fun. As for personalities, I’m sort of getting that Aedan is resourceful, alert and protective of his sister.
Yay, I’m glad you liked it! And yes, that is Aedan. He’s kind of developed more of a big-brother mentality because Elinor’s a kind of fearful, clingy person. I made them twins because, well, my plot demanded that they be born at or around the same time, and because I didn’t want either of them to play the “I’m older, so you have to do what I say” card. =)
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellHello and nice to meet you!
First off, I love your name!
Thank you! Arien is a kind of obscure character in The Silmarillion, and when I found it, I thought that’s cool, I think I’ll make that my pen name! 🙂
I’m Lightoverdarkness6, a young teenage girl who loves writing, reading, playing piano, and exploring in the woods near our house.
Yes, another woods person! My sister and I used to love exploring the woods near my grandparents’ house (they were right on the edge of a park). Once we even followed a Barred owl through the woods on a snowy evening.
I saw that you love Lotr and Monte Cristo!! I do too! Who’s your favorite character?
I love Eowyn, she’s probably my favorite character of all time. I also love Faramir, Sam, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Merry and Pippin . . . they’re all so wonderful!
My favorite from Lotr is Samwise Gamgee or Aragorn and my favorite from Monte Cristo is Edmond. Of course you knew that.
He’s the main character, why did I even say that😂🤦🏻♀️😅.LOL! Yes, Edmond is great. I also like Valentine, she’s so sweet in the way she cares for her grandfather.
I love how you get the feel of the siblings relationship and their personalities. I have twins in my book too! Writing a twin dynamic is so fun, isn’t it?!
Thank you! I do enjoy writing twins! I’ve always wanted a brother, especially an older brother or a twin brother. It’s fun to write about one though. I’ve always found it so fascinating to think about what it would be like to have a sibling who’s exactly your age! My sister is younger than me, but we’re close and sometimes we feel like we’re the same age, but we’re in different activities and stuff, and I’m sure it’s not the same.
I agree with @mineralizedwritings, you could make it a little more detailed when they leave, and maybe show more of them with the Dickinsons.
I’ll work on that!
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellYes, I finally made it out of being a bumbling henchman! I’d much rather be a rebel, especially a charismatic one 😛
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellThank you, that helps a lot!
I especially liked the way you describe the characters bit by bit. The piece where the candlelight is illuminating Aedan’s face was an especially fine part to read. I love the way it formed his features in my mind.
Thank you! I enjoy describing how I see the characters in my mind, but I didn’t want to do it all at once in one big paragraph. I’m glad it worked!
The way thoughts were stated instead of shown was a little jarring. For instance, the speed to which she jumped to the conclusion of murder, while it illustrates her tenseness, it doesn’t tell us why she’s tense. We see that she can believe the Dickinsons of murder, but we don’t quite believe it for ourselves. When Arden is safe, we aren’t surprised like she is.
Okay, yeah. Elinor’s a very nervous, flighty person who tends to jump to conclusions, which is what I meant to show. The Dickinsons wouldn’t actually murder Aedan, but Elinor is rather insecure, and she’s been abused, and she has a very vivid imagination. Does that make sense, or is there something I could to do make it clearer?
Perhaps if we saw more of the Dickinsons’ characters, we would be in Elenore’s shoes easier. Have they been vengeful before? Violent? Are dark conversations common? They seem to be, bit we’re not quite sure.
Does that make sense?
Yes, thank you!
I would also like it if it went a little slower at first, with more details about their day. We seem to be starting off with a catalyst in the midst of our orientation, if you will. I’d like to get to know these awesome characters a little better before we go off on the adventure.
Yeah, I see that. Personally, I wanted to grab the reader’s interest (that sounds violent, LOL) and not start out with them waking up, doing chores, etc., because that seems a little clichéd. I can try to add a little more description. 🙂
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellOoh, this is a really good start! I understood the setting, appearance, etc. My one question is why the Dickensons were so cruel to them. Is it just because they are a burden they didn’t want? And this definitely isn’t something that has to be answered in the first chapter, I just know it’s important that all characters have motives. I’m also sure that you know your own story, it’s just the only thing I thought of. So yup, it’s good! And yeah, I would be interested in reading more! 😁😊
Ooh, this is a really good start! I understood the setting, appearance, etc.
Thank you!
My one question is why the Dickensons were so cruel to them. Is it just because they are a burden they didn’t want?
I think part of it is that the Dickinsons are mean people to start with, but yeah, they didn’t want to have to care for two babies (Aedan and Elinor were less than a year old when their father left them). The bigger reason is . . . ugh, this is so hard to explain without spoilers.
*SPOILER ALERT*
It’s not much of a spoiler, it has to do with what happens right away in chapter two, which I’ll post here.
Chapter Two
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Servants in their own castle. How ironic. But they’ll never know.’”
I stared at him through the darkness. “What does that mean? Are we royalty?”
Aedan shifted his pack on his shoulders. “I don’t know. Anyway, I brought something with me—a copy of the royal family tree. It was in a closet in the schoolroom, rolled up and pushed to the back. As soon as it’s light we’ll look at it.”
And then in chapter five, Elinor learns that yes, their father was a prince, but he had been disowned by his father the king. The Dickinsons know that Corwin has been disowned and is out of favor with his father, but they don’t know why. Then he shows up and asks them to care for his kids, saying their mother died in childbirth. So the Dickinsons accepted–Corwin was still a prince after all–but as Aedan and Elinor get older, the Dickinsons grow to hate them. So there’s the very long answer! I don’t think my book ever really explains exactly why the Dickinsons are mean though. =)
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher BlakewellI think part of it is that the Dickinsons are mean people to start with,
Yeah, that would do it 😂😂
I stared at him through the darkness. “What does that mean? Are we royalty?”
😲😲😲 what? whoa
So the Dickinsons accepted–Corwin was still a prince after all–but as Aedan and Elinor get older, the Dickinsons grow to hate them. So there’s the very long answer! I don’t think my book ever really explains exactly why the Dickinsons are mean though. =)
Ok, cool
They just are 😂😂
😲😲😲 what? whoa
LOL did I surprise you?
I honestly love this dynamic so much though! Aedan and Elinor being the children of a prince–which means that the king is their grandfather–and Prince Durwin is their uncle–makes it so exciting and fun to work with!
Be brave. Be strong. Be bold.
-Christopher Blakewell
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