- This topic has 32 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@emma-flournoy Good point. ‘She leapt over the fence and cried out in pain as her hair caught in the wire’s deadly barbs. Grunting with frustration, she drew her knife and with one quick slash, the tangled orange mass was left behind.’
True about the muttering… Weird. In my actual document, I don’t have a comma after ‘Aunt’. Must’ve been a typo."Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 Yup, that’s better. 🙂
@emma-flournoy @kate-flournoy @daeus @winter-rose @that_writer_girl_99 @jane-maree Here is the FULL Prologue and Chapter 1. I didn’t actually provide the entire of Chapter 1 before. Tell me what you think.
Prologue
Halle’s heart raced. They’re coming. They’re coming for me. Her hair flew out behind her, blending with the browns and greens of the autumn forest. She leapt over the fence and cried out in pain as her hair caught in the wire’s deadly barbs. Grunting with frustration, she drew her knife and with one quick slash, the tangled orange mass was left behind. A large oak loomed up ahead, but before she could dodge it, she stumbled on one of its roots and fell into shadow.
Her pursuers climbed over the fence but stopped when they noticed that the girl had disappeared. “Where’d she go? Did the shadow eat her?” asked the burly one, his voice like rough bark.
“Disappeared. She’s one of those pixie-girls,” the thinner one sneered. A shadowy figure strode slowly up to them. He snatched a chunk of hair from the fence. His deep, melodious voice resounded throughout the dense forest, chilling the air. “She’s not dead… yet.”
Halle awoke to find herself in castle ruins. “Great,” she muttered. “Must’ve fallen asleep during the journey… again.” The girl stood up, brushed herself off and pulled her cloak over her head. She turned to see a stone staircase and climbed it swiftly, scanning her surroundings from her elevated position. Small orange lights were beginning flicker in the east. Smoke rose from the chimneys of the quaint, country town. Horsemen could be seen riding in from the western fields. The corners of her mouth turned upwards. She wasn’t too far away. Leaping lightly off the parapet, she then began the long trek back to the Academy. A sharp gust of wind cut past her. Autumnus. A season for adventure. As Halle reached the town, she removed her hood and smiled as she greeted the baker. “What mischief did you get into today, young lady?” he asked, smiling under his thick, grey moustache.
Halle grinned back. “Oh. You know… Stealing some papers, getting chased by men… The usual.” She was safe now. Safe to boast. Safe to laugh. After about three hours trudging down the muddy road, she caught a glimpse of the triangular sandstone structure in the distance. “Nearly there,” she muttered to herself as she climbed over the ridge…Chapter 1
Just another perfectly normal day. Walking to school. Listening to the incessant droning of teachers. Walking home. Flopping onto her bed… “Maya!”
Maya shook herself out of her daydream. “Yes, Aunty?”
She tried to focus, but soon fell back into dreamland. A gust of wind nearly swept the pixie-girl off her feet. Halle valiantly fought against the wind. It was like another force did not want her to pass…
She was snapped out of these thoughts by the most mundane question…
“Have you done the dishes yet?”
“Just a minute!” she called, scribbling down a character development idea in the book she was writing. Halle… Moonglade. Yes. That was the perfect name. Sure, she’d attempted to write several books, leaving them unfinished… but this was different. Yes, she’d said that several times also. However, this time Maya was determined to finish it. It was probably the best idea she’d had since deciding to ‘teach herself to fly’ in year three.
“MAYA!!!”
“Coming!”
Grabbing an apple from the chipped blue fruit bowl and biting into it, Maya pulled open the dishwasher and performed her daily ritual of ‘Platter-Bathing’…
Maya chuckled softly. If written well, even the most ordinary things could become a good story. The clashing of metal on metal brought a smile to Maya’s lips as she dropped a handful of cutlery into the dishwasher. Once she’d squeezed everything possible into the metal compartment, she kicked it shut. Maya sighed. She’d still have to hand-wash twelve plates. Why did her family have to use so many plates? With Scott’s horse-like appetite and little David’s fear of ‘mixing things’, she didn’t know how she survived. “Honestly Scott,” she muttered. “Do you really need five separate bowls for your fruit and biscuits?”
“I heard that Maya!”
“Heard what? The wind?” Maya laughed as her cousin tackled her to the ground.
“I’m stronger than you!” Scott teased in a sing-song voice. “You’re so weak for someone who’s two years older than me.”
“Oh shut up. At least I have a brain,” Maya quipped, beginning to tickle the boy.
“Stop! Stop!” he squealed.
“What’s the magic word?”
“Please?”
“No,” she laughed.
“I don’t know! Sorry?”
“No.”
“Uh… Immobulus?”
“Correctamundo!” Maya lifted her hands and Scott caught his breath. “I’m glad to hear that you’ve been reading and actually retaining the information for once… Hold on. That word’s only used in the films…”
“It was worth a try,” said Scott, flashing a mischievous grin.
Maya half-smiled, ruffled Scott’s messy black hair, and retreated back to her room before Scott got any more ideas. She flopped onto her bed once again, creating a blanket cocoon around herself and hoping against hope that she wouldn’t be disturbed again. Alas! No such things were possible in her house. “Mail! Mail!”
Maya immediately recognised the voice of Sawyer, the mail-boy and one of her school friends. “I’ll get it!” yelled Scott.
“No I will!” came a higher pitched voice.
Sounded like David was finished his homework. Being in grade two, he didn’t have much anyway.
“But I’m older than you,” said Scott, reaching the door before his younger brother.
“That’s not fair,” David began to cry.
“Scooooott. You better not be upsetting your brother,” came Aunt Eloise’s voice from somewhere in the house.
“Fine,” the older boy’s shoulders sagged. “I didn’t want to get the mail anyway…”
Soon a head full of feathery blonde hair popped into Maya’s doorway.
“Go away. I’m thinking,” she groaned.
“It’s a letter!” said David, waving the white envelope like a flag.
“Yes. I can see that.”
“But it’s for you!” he insisted. Then, in a teasing, sing-song voice he added, “Don’t ya wanna open it?”
“Okay. Pass it over.”
“You didn’t say please,” he grinned.
“Okay. Please.”
The boy gently and ceremoniously placed the envelope in Maya’s hands. She analysed the envelope first. It was white like any ordinary envelope and in curly writing, had:For: Miss Maya Walker
11 Valhalla Street
Sunnybank, Brisbane
QLD 4109In the top right-hand corner, instead of a stamp, was a strange logo. An owl silhouette and lots of criss-crossing squiggly lines. Beneath the logo were the words, Scientia potentia est. “Knowledge is power,” Maya muttered to herself. She slid her finger under the flap and prised open the envelope. She slowly pulled two blue sheets of paper out.
“What does it say? What does it say?” asked David, jumping up and down excitedly.
“I’ll tell you after I read it myself. You go and play with Scott or something until I’m done, okay?”
“Okay…” David’s head drooped as he slowly walked out the door, hoping to be called back.
Maya lay back on her bed holding the letter at arm’s length above her. The first page read:Dear Miss Walker,
It is my pleasure to inform you that your application for ‘Acutus Cogitationes Academy for the Gifted and Talented’ has been accepted. School fees will not be necessary as you have also received a full academic scholarship at the academy. Autumnus term begins on the twentieth of Avril, after the Easter Holidays. Please tell us if you are unable to attend at this time so that we can make whatever changes necessary to your timetable to catch up on any missed work.
On the following page is a list of the books and materials required for third-year students. I will be awaiting your reply no later than the first of December.Yours Sincerely,
Miss Linda Kelsie
Deputy Principal of Acutus Cogitationes Academy (ACA)Maya turned over to the second page. Sure enough it had a list of books and materials required. It also came with a form for uniform orders and sizes. That’s when it hit her. She hadn’t applied to go to this school. She hadn’t even heard of it until now. Was there a mistake? No. That was her name and her address. Then it had said, “you have also received a full academic scholarship…”. How? What? Why? Her brain refused to think coherently. She was glad she understood Latin, otherwise she would not understand at all why words like Autumnus and Avril were being used, or the phrase, ‘scientia potentia est’. Wait. Then the letter must be for her! She didn’t know anyone, besides herself, who knew – or was even interested in – Latin.
She decided that the best thing to do would be to tell her Aunt Eloise. Pulling together the papers, Maya marched to the kitchen, where her aunt was preparing dinner. The beautiful aroma of lasagna wafted through the room. “Aunty?” she called.
“Yes, Maya?” Aunt Eloise removed her oven mitts, brushing a strand of grey hair behind her ear.
“I received this letter in the mail. Did you give in an application for me?” Maya handed over the letter.
Aunt Eloise stared at it quizzically. A brief flash of recognition passed her aunt’s eyes, but turned into confusion just as quickly.
“No I didn’t.”
“Do you know what it is?”
Aunt Eloise hesitated. “No.”
“You hesitated,” Maya noted, then her eyes widened. “Does it have anything to do with my parents?”
Her aunt ran her fingers through her greying hair. She sighed. “Yes.”
“I’m nearly fifteen, Aunty. Can’t you tell me what happened to them? I deserve to know!”
“No!” Aunt Eloise snapped. Then her tone softened. “Sorry, it’s just… I don’t think you’re ready yet.”
Rage began to boil inside Maya but she suppressed it, choosing not to press the matter any further. “So… can I go?”
Aunt Eloise muttered to herself. Something about “Miranda” and how she “knew this day would come.”
“Sure, sweetie,” said Aunt Eloise, feigning a smile as she dished the lasagna onto some ceramic plates."Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.Here are some things. I guess some of them were there with the previous excerpts too, I just didn’t remember them all (or didn’t have time to be thorough enough, which is also possible. :P).
Halle… Moonglade. Yes. That was the perfect name. Sure, she’d attempted to write several books, leaving them unfinished… but this was different. Yes, she’d said that several times also. However, this time Maya was determined to finish it.
That part, after she thinks of the perfect name, is too much telling. It seems like you’re trying too hard to give us her book-writing history right here; it doesn’t fit well with her thoughts then. She was thinking of something in her book, not how she’d started writing, so it seems out of place and info-dump-ish.The clashing of metal on metal brought a smile to Maya’s lips as she dropped a handful of cutlery into the dishwasher.
Why did it make her smile? The only reason I can think of is if it reminded her of clashing swords or something from a story. 😛 But otherwise, she obviously washes dishes a lot…would she even be paying attention to the noise?With Scott’s horse-like appetite and little David’s fear of ‘mixing things’, she didn’t know how she survived. “Honestly Scott,” she muttered. “Do you really need five separate bowls for your fruit and biscuits?”
From what you said about the boys, it sounds more like David would be the one having separate bowls, since he doesn’t like mixing foods.Maya immediately recognised the voice of Sawyer, the mail-boy and one of her school friends.
I can’t tell if you mean Sawyer is the mail boy, or if there are three people she hears. I think another comma is needed.and prised open the envelope.
Did you mean ‘pried’?Aunt Eloise stared at it quizzically. A brief flash of recognition passed her aunt’s eyes, but turned into confusion just as quickly.
It sounds odd for you to say ‘her aunt’s eyes’ when you just said Aunt Eloise. Just ‘her’ would probably work.Her aunt ran her fingers through her greying hair.
We already know her hair is grey, from when she tucked it behind her ear.she suppressed it, choosing not to press the matter
‘Suppressed’ and ‘press’ sound weird in the same sentence.Also something else I noticed—you italicize words for emphasis a lot; it got to be a bit annoying. So maybe not as many be emphasized, and just left to the readers’ intelligence.
The word ‘muttered’ is used quite a lot also.But there’s a greater percentage of well-written material than not, so yeah. 😀
@emma-flournoy Sawyer is the only one at the door (I’ll try and make that clearer). The word is definitely ‘prised’. Good points. Yeah, I need to get rid of those habits… 😛
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 Huh, guess I haven’t heard that word enough, and ‘pried’ would work too. 😛
Oh, and I see now how that means only Sawyer, but that was definitely not my first thought.@kate-flournoy @daeus @jane-maree @winter-rose @that_writer_girl_99 Anyone else???
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 yes, much better. They pretty much already caught everything that needed help, I think.
Weaving the dream thing in was a great idea. Made it a lot more intriguing and set up the premise quite nicely. 😉@kate-flournoy Thanks. 🙂 It’s also a good indication of what is to come. The whole story is about dreams.
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 You’ve done a pretty great job with this whole thing! *applauds*
Although it does have a very ‘Harry Potter gets a letter from Hogwarts’ feel to it… 😛Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@f5a8c3e92 Phooey, I missed the critiquing party. And @Emma-Flournoy, with her wonderful thoroughness, has pretty much read my mind on the subject of the second draft. XD So, yeah. Good job.
Oh, one thing: That first part, when Halle’s running from bad guys, and then wakes up in a castle. That confused me just a litte. Was running from bad guys a dream? Or are we skipping through time here? Either way, I thought the transition seemed a little abrupt. And if it was a dream, I think Halle ought to be more frightened when she wakes up—after all, she’s just had a nightmare.
INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
@f5a8c3e92 I like it! I think it would be quite cool if Maya met her own character.:)
Oh wait I just noticed you posted more before you posted the prologue. Give me a bit.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Err, after the prologue. I’m confusing myself.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Alright I finished your updated version and I like it! You made some great improvements. I also enjoyed all the Latin. 🙂
@jane-maree I know. I don’t want it to be like Harry Potter, but it’s… ugh!
@ethryndal Halle fell through a shadow, which teleported her to the castle. It’s meant to leave the reader confused because the Void doesn’t get explained until later…
@winter-rose Thanks! Sorry about any confusion. 😛"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.