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Prologue
Halle’s heart raced. They’re coming. They’re coming for me. Her ginger hair flew out behind her. She leapt over the fence and screamed as her hair got caught in some barbed wire. Drawing her knife, the hair was left behind. A tree loomed up ahead. Before she could move out of the way, she fell into shadow…
Her pursuers climbed over the fence, but stopped when they noticed that the girl had disappeared. A shadowy figure strode up to them. He snatched a chunk of hair from the fence. His deep, melodious voice resounded throughout the encampment. “She’s not dead… yet.”
Halle found herself in castle ruins. The girl covered her ginger hair with her cloak and turned to see a stone staircase. She climbed up to see where she was. Small orange lights were beginning to turn on in the east. The corners of Halle’s mouth turned upwards. She wasn’t far from the Academy. Leaping off the parapet, she then began her long trek back to the Academy. After about three hours trudging down the muddy road she caught a glimpse of the triangular sandstone structure in the distance. “Nearly there,” she muttered to herself as she climbed over a ridge…
Chapter 1
Just another perfectly normal day. Walking to school. Listening to the incessant droning of teachers. Walking home. Flopping onto her bed… “Maya!”
Maya shook herself out of a particularly pleasant daydream. “Yes, Aunty?”
She’d been living with her cousins since she was three. Whenever Maya tried to ask about her parents, her Aunt, Eloise would shut her down by saying, “They had an accident.”
“But what accident? Surely I’m old enough to know now. I’m nearly fifteen!”
She was snapped out of these thoughts by the most mundane question…
“Have you done the dishes yet?”
“Just a minute!” she called, scribbling down a character development idea in the book she was writing. Sure, she’d attempted to write several books, leaving them unfinished… but this was different. Yes, she’d said that several times also. However Maya was determined to finish it this time. It was probably the best idea she’d had since deciding to ‘teach herself to fly’ in year three.
“MAYA!!!”
“Coming!”
Grabbing an apple from the chipped blue fruit bowl and biting into it, Maya pulled open the dishwasher and performed her daily ritual of ‘the Washing of the Dishes’…
Maya chuckled softly. If written well, even the most ordinary things could become a good story. Once she’d squeezed everything possible into the metal compartment, she kicked it shut. Maya sighed. She’d still have to hand-wash about twelve plates. Why did her family have to use so many plates? “Honestly Scott,” she muttered. “Do you really need five separate bowls for your fruit and biscuits?”
“I heard that Maya!”
“Heard what? The wind?” Maya laughed as her cousin tackled her to the ground.
“I’m stronger than you!” Scott teased in a sing-song voice. “You’re so weak for someone who’s two years older than me.”
“Oh shut up. At least I have a brain,” Maya quipped, beginning to tickle the boy.
“Stop! Stop!” he squealed.
“What’s the magic word?”
“Please?”
“No,” she laughed.
“I don’t know! Sorry?”
“No.”
“Uh… Immobulus?”
“Correctamundo!” Maya lifted her hands and Scott caught his breath. “I’m glad to hear that you’ve been reading and actually retaining the information for once… Hold on. That word’s only used in the films…”
“It was worth a try,” said Scott, flashing a mischievous grin.
Maya half-smiled, ruffled Scott’s messy black hair, and retreated back to her room before Scott got any more ideas. She flopped onto her bed once again, creating a blanket cocoon around herself and hoping against hope that she wouldn’t be disturbed again. Alas! No such things were possible in her house. “Mail! Mail!”
Maya immediately recognised the voice of Sawyer, the mail-boy and one of her school friends. “I’ll get it!” yelled Scott.
“No I will!”
Sounded like David was finished his homework. Being in grade two, he didn’t have much anyway.
“But I’m older than you,” said Scott, reaching the door before his younger brother.
“That’s not fair,” whined David, beginning to cry.
“Scooooott. You better not be upsetting your brother,” came Aunt Eloise’s voice from somewhere in the house.
“Fine,” the older boy relented. “I didn’t want to get the mail anyway…”
Soon a head full of feathery blonde hair popped into Maya’s doorway.
“Go away. I’m thinking,” she groaned.
“It’s a letter!” said David, waving the white envelope like a flag.
“Yes. I can see that.”
“But it’s for you!” he insisted. Then, in a teasing, sing-song voice he added, “Don’t ya wanna open it?”
“Okay. Pass it over.”
“You didn’t say please,” he grinned.
“Okay. Please.”
The boy gently and ceremoniously placed the envelope in Maya’s hands."Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 Ok, here’s my edits.
Prologue:
A tree loomed up ahead.
This is a drag on the pacing. Remove or see if you can incorporate into the next sentence.
The girl covered her ginger hair
You already said her hair was ginger. No need to repeat.
The corners of Halle’s mouth turned upwards
Replace ‘Halle’s’ with ‘her’.
She wasn’t far from the Academy. Leaping off the parapet, she then began her long trek back to the Academy.
For the first sentence, say, “She wasn’t too far away.
Chapter 1:
“She’d been living with her cousins since she was three. Whenever Maya tried to ask about her parents, her Aunt, Eloise would shut her down by saying, “They had an accident.”
“But what accident? Surely I’m old enough to know now. I’m nearly fifteen!”
She was snapped out of these thoughts by the most mundane question…Instead of inserting this information into the middle of a scene, I would suggest you have it be what Maya is dreaming about.
Maya pulled open the dishwasher and performed her daily ritual of ‘the Washing of the Dishes’…
Since Maya is a creative, I think it’d be cool if she had some sort of poetic ‘euphemism’ for this chore. 🙂
Maya chuckled softly. If written well, even the most ordinary things could become a good story. Once she’d squeezed everything possible into the metal compartment, she kicked it shut.
The transition between thinking about her story and her physical actions is too abrupt. Adding in some of her plans for the story would be a good way to fix it.
Though: I’m a bit surprised that Maya’s cousin tackled her. Maybe he’s the type that’s always up to tricks. If you could give us some hints of his character before hand, that ought to help, but that might be tricky without telling…
“No I will!”
Sounded like David was finished his homework.Best to introduce David on the same line since I thought this was Scott.
“That’s not fair,” whined David, beginning to cry.
“That’s not fair.” David began to cry.
“Fine,” the older boy relented. “I didn’t want to get the mail anyway…”
Instead of saying “the older boy relented”, I’d suggest showing his body language.
Overall, I thought this section was well written. It just needs general refinement to smooth it out and deep its character a bit, but I connected well with Halle and Maya and wanted to see what happened to them.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@daeus Thanks! 🙂
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@emma-flournoy @graciegirl @ethryndal @winter-rose @that_writer_girl_99 @jane-maree Can you guys please critique? Thanks.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by .
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@hope @kate-flournoy If you know anyone else who will be kind enough to critique, please guide them to this thread.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by .
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 I’ll critique this as soon as I have enough time to give it a thorough read. It looks interesting. 😀
@f5a8c3e92 I didn’t see that you’d tagged me in this until just now, sorry!
All in all, I really like this excerpt. Generally, it ready pretty well, and flows pretty smoothly, but there are a couple of grammatical issues, although I’m sure someone better at this than I has already pointed them out.
In the prologue, the pacing is a little slow, and the way the first few paragraphs are worded is very…choppy. There’s a lot there that I’m not sure is relevant, regarding what you’re trying to show/explain.
Other than that, I really liked the excerpt. I’m intrigued as to how Halle was in a castle, but woke up in what seems to be a regular, modern house…good job!
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@f5a8c3e92
And the plot thickens! Here are my critiques.I think the information about Maya having lived with her cousins since she was five is too much of an info dump, especially right at the beginning.
I also felt like all the description of the characters in the prologue was out of place. If you could somehow integrate the description with the mood of the scene or how it relates to the scene, it might flow better. Instead of saying her ginger hair, perhaps have her worry her pursuers would easily notice such a color in all the greens and browns of the forest. Instead of saying his voice was deep and melodious, perhaps add your character’s reaction to such a voice; did his melodious voice sound haunting to her? Did it sound like it belonged to a murderous ghost who lived among the ruins?
Also in the prologue I didn’t feel like I was inside Halle’s head (which is fine I suppose if your going for Omniscient POV 🙂 )
One last thing: I was a little confused with the switch in settings. In the prologue we are in a medieval perhaps fantasy setting, where in the first chapter we seem to be in modern times. Are we in the same world for both the prologue and the first chapter?
Overall I like the character introductions; I love how the personality of the cousins and the MC shows through to the reader. I also like the dialogue between characters. They seem to flow well together. I appreciated all the diverse vocabulary you scattered throughout the story too.
Hope that helps!
@f5a8c3e92 I like this.
*switches into professional mode* Your prose is stronger than a lot I’ve seen, and you show a lot of promise with dialogue and characterization. Your sense of flow and pacing does seem to be a bit off— the prologue was too short and vague, for one. It didn’t connect me to the story, which is what a prologue is for. I think this can be solved simply by adding a bit more depth and detail, such as Halle’s emotional reaction to being chased. Is her heart pounding? Ears buzzing? Legs weak and clumsy with terror? Or perhaps only a little annoyed? Her reaction to the events as they come will tell us a lot about her personality and fill in what kind of a person she is and what she’s been through before; what normal life is for her. As it is, her nonchalant detached-ness and emotionless efficiency do very little for my understanding of her or the events surrounding her. Action by itself is never a good hook. We have to be invested in the characters to appreciate it.Overall though you’ve got some great stuff going here. Is this the dream story? I like it. 😀
@winter-rose Yeah, the prologue… I’m still trying to incorporate properly into the story. I have just come up with a brilliant idea! What if that sequence with Halle was part of Maya’s daydreaming and she is a character in her story? (However, Halle will be coming in later, as she turns out to be one of Maya’s classmates at the new school she’s going to. This will most likely come as a massive shock to Maya).
@kate-flournoy Yes, I will definitely work on the pacing (and I’m still trying to condense all my ideas for the prologue) 😛 Yes, this is the dream story. The letter that Maya receives is notifying her of her acceptance to an Academy that she never even knew about. The story will unfold, eventually. I might add a bit more next week for more critiquing."Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92
Okay so I’ve put all my notes and critique points into a google doc (hopefully that works for you). I haven’t finished going through it yet (but I’ll keep going after I post this for you), but as far as I have at the moment I’m quite enjoying it. It had a cool prose style that I’m quite liking. Good job. *thumbs up*https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t2A8nBALrAkC9sYr68l3ilwbN3s_O0AqSGyXsqxvbrI/edit?usp=sharing
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@daeus @winter-rose @kate-flournoy @jane-maree Could you guys tell me if you think it’s a good idea to make Halle part of Maya’s daydream? Please note that they will meet in person at the Academy in a few chapters. Here’s an update on the Prologue:
Halle’s heart raced. They’re coming. They’re coming for me. Her hair flew out behind her, blending with the browns and greens of the autumn forest. Leaping over the fence, she screamed in annoyance as her hair caught in the wire’s deadly barbs. Grunting with frustration, she drew her knife and with one quick slash, the tangled orange mass was left behind. A large oak loomed up ahead, but before she could dodge it, she stumbled on one of its roots and fell into shadow.
Her pursuers climbed over the fence but stopped when they noticed that the girl had disappeared. “Where’d she go? Did the shadow eat her?” asked the burly one, his voice like rough bark.
“Disappeared. She’s one of those pixie-girls,” the thinner one sneered. A shadowy figure strode slowly up to them. He snatched a chunk of hair from the fence. His deep, melodious voice resounded throughout the dense forest, chilling the air. “She’s not dead… yet.”
Halle awoke to find herself in castle ruins. “Great,” she muttered to herself. “Must’ve fallen asleep during the journey… again.” The girl stood up, brushed herself off and pulled her cloak over her head. She turned to see a stone staircase and climbed it swiftly, scanning her surroundings from her elevated position. Small orange lights were beginning flicker in the east. Smoke rose from the chimneys of the quaint, country town. Horsemen could be seen riding in from the western fields. The corners of her mouth turned upwards. She wasn’t too far away. Leaping lightly off the parapet, she then began the long trek back to the Academy. A sharp gust of wind cut past her. Autumnus. A season for adventure. As Halle reached the town, she removed her hood and smiled as she greeted the baker. “What mischief did you get into today, young lady?” he asked, smiling under his thick, grey moustache.
Halle grinned back. “Oh. You know… Stealing some papers, getting chased by men… The usual.” She was safe now. Safe to boast. Safe to laugh. After about three hours trudging down the muddy road, she caught a glimpse of the triangular sandstone structure in the distance. “Nearly there,” she muttered to herself as she climbed over the ridge…"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@f5a8c3e92 YES. Much better. *thumbs up* Notice how the details ground you.
And I think it would be really cool for that to be part of Maya’s dream. Go for it. 😀@f5a8c3e92 Yess that’d be a great idea. I think it would be cool to have a weird daydream and then hold it- it was real?? *nods*
Oh yep, that prologue is good.
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@f5a8c3e92 I’m coming! Haven’t had time to do this yet.
But now that I’m here, I have something really helpful to say: what everyone else said. *sheepish grin* I know, that’s resounding, but there you have it. Most of what everyone else said I was thinking too, especially concerning the info-dump-ishness of the stuff about her having lived with her aunt since the accident, and concerning the accident, etc.
That new prologue is a lot better; so much faster paced and more engaging with characterization and descriptions. With this part though—Leaping over the fence, she screamed in annoyance as her hair caught in the wire’s deadly barbs. Grunting with frustration, she drew her knife and with one quick slash, the tangled orange mass was left behind.—I’d suggest changing the structure of one of those sentences, ’cause they’re the same and it doesn’t sound the best. Also I found it a little strong that she’d scream in annoyance; I’d think it was something a little worse than annoyance, or she wouldn’t scream just in annoyance. 😛 She doesn’t seem the sort to scream merely in annoyance, even in such a tense (literally) situation.
And with the part where she mutters ‘Great’ I think it would sound better to just say ‘she muttered’, because it’s obvious she muttered it to herself.
One little technical thingy I wanted to point out was this: her Aunt, Eloise —I think there should either be no comma after ‘aunt’, or a comma after Eloise as well.But I agree, it’s generally well written…just needs smoothing out, a little less telling, and a little deeper characterization with deeper descriptions. 🙂
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