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Hey guys!! I think it’s about time I start sharing my WIP since it has changed drastically from the first draft I had shared on here 🫣
Any critiques are welcome, but if you just want to read it that’s totally fine too!
I have 20ish chapters written, so I still don’t have a good chunk of the book written yet. I’m not sure how often I’ll be posting, but I should be sharing something once or twice a week.
This is the third draft, by the way, but I’m sure it will still go through a few more rounds of edits. (Because I think I’m finally happy with the storyline.)
I’ll share the first two chapters later today!
Tags… but don’t feel obligated to give critiques or anything 😉
@freedomwriter76 @savannah_grace2009 @hybridlore @highscribeofaetherium @trailblazer @janellebelovedpig @grcr @keilah-h @acancello @smiley @rae @mineralizedwritings @lightoverdarkness6 @whalekeeper @evelyn-collins @thelittlejupitertion
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
And for your enjoyment… the mock cover…
(Sorry, had to cover my last name XD)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Ooo!! … *subscribes* 😄😃
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”*materializes out of nowhere*
*hits subscribe*
*melts back into the shadows*
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
@esther-c I can’t wait!!
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottYES, YES, YESSSSS!
*subscribes*
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@grcr @highscribeofaetherium @hybridlore @savannah_grace2009
So I know I promised two chapters today, but I wanted to look over them one more time before posting and haven’t gotten the chance to do that today. Whoopsies. 😛 So I’ll post them tomorrow. 😁
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Ok, no problem! I’m excited!
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottThat’s ok. Can’t wait, though! 😄
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Alrighty!! The promised first two chapters! Any feedback is welcome 🙂
Chapter 1
“Wait a coup?”“Shh, keep your voice down.”
“Hold on, start over.” Everton Barlowe stared down his older brother.
Asher sighed. “Did you not listen the first time?”
“I was stuck on the word ‘coup.’”
Another sigh. “Okay.” Asher tossed dark strands of hair off his forehead with a flick of his head and lowered his voice. “You remember where I work, right?”
“Yeah, the mines. Unless that’s changed.”
“It hasn’t. Well, some people from there and other people throughout the district have formed a gang and we plan to overthrow Bayron Len.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
“We just need a couple more people. You want to join?”
“You know Dad will never let me.”
“And?”
Ev bit his lip, though he couldn’t keep the bubble of excitement from rising inside of him. Finally, people were doing things. Everything inside him screamed at him to go be a part of this, but the one thing outside of him kept him from making a solid decision. “I would do anything to escape this wreck of a district, but I could never get away with it. Dad would find out.”
Asher crossed his arms. “I thought you’d be more willing than this.”
“I am, it’s just…” Ev sighed. He had always wanted freedom. It was the thing he had wanted more than anything else. If this gang succeeded in killing Bayron Len, then they could finally leave the Orb which had covered their country for two decades. But Ev knew that if his father found out he was involved, he’d have even less freedom at home than he already did. He looked up at Asher again, who was only a few inches taller than him. “You said tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Why’d you tell me so suddenly?”
Asher smirked. “Since when did you care about impulsive events?”
“Touché.” Ev playfully slugged him in the arm. “How will I know where to meet you guys?”
“Just go—”
“Asher!” Malyk’s sharp voice penetrated their hushed conversation.
Ev winced. “Go where?”
“Go to the—”
“Asher! You have moved out of my house I don’t need you—”
“To the old office complex down the street,” Asher said over their father’s harsh words. “In an hour.”
Ev pressed his lips together as Asher disappeared out the door. He had better be right. He quietly padded down the stairs and into the kitchen, hoping to slip by the living room unnoticed. But he couldn’t help but overhear.
“I don’t want you influencing my son with your wild, unruly—”
“Father, he’s practically a man. He can make his own decisions without you making them for him.”
“Asher…” Malyk’s voice rippled with anger. “I am your father and you will not speak to me that way.”
Asher scoffed. Ev busied himself with a cup of water as Asher flew through the kitchen and out the door, slamming it behind him.
Malyk slowly walked into the kitchen, shaking his head and muttering unintelligible things under his breath. He didn’t notice Ev right away but when he did, his face immediately hardened again. “What did he tell you?”
“He just asked about… something.”
Malyk’s harsh expression forced Ev to explain further.
“He was just talking about a coup that a gang wanted to try to do on Bayron Len.” Ev shrugged nonchalantly, as if this was a daily happening.
Malyk narrowed his eyes. “And what did you say to him?”
Ev straightened. “I asked him a few things about it… that’s all.”
“What things?”
“Do you have to know everything? Can’t any of our conversations be private?” Ev hadn’t meant for those words to slip out, but when they did, he didn’t regret them.
Malyk’s mouth twitched. “There is no respect for authority in this house—is there?”
Ev held back the comments that would surely earn him a verbal lashing.
“I don’t care what you told Asher or what he told you, but you are not taking part in that coup at all? Understood?”
Ev gave him a stiff nod. Malyk left the kitchen with heavy footsteps and pounded up the stairs. Even when he was gone, Ev couldn’t release the tension in his body. Words danced about in his mind… the words he so desired to say but the rational part of him kept contained.
He found himself rubbing the dishes vigorously in the sink and pounding them into the dishwasher. Why did his life have to be like this? He deserved more than this. More freedom. More say in his life. But as long as he lived at home with his father, that wasn’t going to happen.
He didn’t get it. Everyone else had more freedom to do what they wanted. Why couldn’t he get the same privileges? He did everything he was supposed to at home, but nope. Still under the iron fist of his father. Still trapped… still forced to do the bidding of his father… still stuck in this broken home, unable to escape.
A plate shattered as he slammed it into the plastic rack of the dishwasher.
He grunted and bent down, picking up the sharp ceramic pieces.
He had considered running away, but he knew Malyk would find a way to bring him back. And the punishment after that would earn Ev even less independence. Soon though…
He was seventeen. In roughly nine months, he’d finally be eighteen. Then he could leave… and never come back.
A gentle touch graced his back and wrapped around his shoulder. He leaned into his mother’s soft embrace, all tension leaving his body. Harlin crouched and started picking up the pieces alongside her son. “Are you okay?”
He nodded, forcing a smile. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks Mom.” He stood up and tossed the shattered pieces into the trash.
“What was it this time?” She asked, her rich, alto voice soothing Ev’s fiery temper.
“Nothing important.” He turned on the water again, continuing the job he started. Harlin shut the water off.
“You need to take a break.”
Ev understood the deeper meaning of her words and backed away, leaning against the counter. “Why is it so hard?”
“You need patience, Ev.”
He forced a chuckle. “I second that.”
“I’m serious.” But a laugh still seemed to hide in her tone.
“I know… I’m so close though. Why can’t I just leave now?”
The look in his mother’s eyes as she turned to face him made him want to take back his words.
“We could all leave…” he murmured as she turned back to her task.
“Everton… I made a promise to your father twenty four years ago that I don’t intend to break.”
He pushed a hand through his hair. “But what about Lukas? I don’t want him growing up under the same control and confines I did.”
Harlin turned off the water and wiped her hands on a towel. Sympathy floated in the eyes that reflected his own. “Patience, Ev. Patient love heals wounds.”
Ev sighed, trying to ignore the heavy meaning in her words. He threw on his favorite jacket. “I’m gonna go over to Ami’s house.” He flicked his collar back and grabbed a small white box from the counter, shoving it into his pocket.
Harlin sighed. “When will you be back?”
“When I’m ready,” he mumbled, avoiding her gaze.
She wrapped him in a warm hug. “I love you, Ev.”
He hugged her back. “Love you too Mom.”
Chapter 2
Amidala Nadir frowned. Something wasn’t quite right. She wobbled her colored pencil between her thumb and forefinger, her eyes fixed upon the paper in front of her. She leaned over the desk and added a few more pencil strokes to the shading on the rose. Then pulled back.A smile stretched across her face. Perfect. She returned the colored pencils to their respective drawers and grabbed the drawing, gliding down the stairs.
“Mom, can you take a look at this?”
Adalynn pushed a casserole pan into the oven and closed the oven door. She wiped her hands on a towel, walking over to her daughter. “This looks better than your last one.” She grabbed the paper from Ami.
“That’s what I thought, but do you think the shading looks natural?” Ami tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and examined the rose again.
“Ami,” Adalynn said, a laugh gracing her tone, “you know I don’t know enough about art to tell you yes or no. It looks fine.”
Ami didn’t match her mother’s smile. “You sure?”
“Yes, hon.”
Now a smile. “Alright.”
Knock, kno-kno-knock.
“Come in!” Ami called, setting her drawing on the counter and grabbing the cookie jar.
“You must have known it was me,” Everton said, grabbing a cookie from the jar Ami held out.
She smiled. “Of course. Have as many as you like.”
He picked a couple more and took a seat at the dark wooden table opposite the kitchen. “These are great, Ms. Nadir,” he garbled, holding up half a cookie.
She chuckled. “Well I’m glad you like them. They’ll be gone by tonight once Fynn and Sky find out I have cookies in the house.”
“It’s a rare treat,” Ev mused, wiping cookie crumbs off his brown leather jacket.
Ami slipped into the seat beside him. “What’s up?”
“Just the norm. You?”
“I finished another drawing. It was the same thing I tried to do a couple months ago, but I think it turned out better than last time. Here.” She leaned over, grabbed it off the counter, and handed it to him.
“This is pretty good,” Ev said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He tossed it back on the counter. Ami was hoping he’d say more than that…
She sighed. “Well, how’s life?”
“Fine, I guess… Asher brought Lukas and me fresh, hot doughnuts yesterday morning!” A grin grew on Ev’s face. “I couldn’t tell you the last time I had eaten one of those… it was absolutely divine.” His face held a look of rapture.
“It was that good?”
He nodded.
“If you say so. Isn’t that just… too much sugar? I bet that how much Asher paid for it didn’t even amount to how good it tasted.”
Ev’s jaw dropped, pretending to be offended. He crossed his arms. “Fine then. Remind me never to buy you a doughnut again.”
“Again? You never have.”
With a twinkle in his eye, Ev produced a small carry-out box from his jacket pocket. Ami gasped. She grabbed the box and opened it, revealing a small glazed doughnut.
“Did Asher bring you an extra one?”
Ev shook his head, grinning. “I bought it.”
Ami raised her eyebrows. She leaned closer to Ev and lowered her voice. “How much did this cost?”
He shrugged. “Nine dreks…”
“Nine dreks! Ev, you didn’t have to I—”
“Ah, ah, ah! I already did. Eat it and be grateful.” He flashed her a smile.
Ami chuckled. “Thank you,” she said quietly. She daintily picked it up and took a small bite. As the sugar dissolved in her mouth, she sank into her chair in satisfaction. “This is divine…”
“Told you,” Ev said. “Do you regret what you said earlier?”
“Maybe just a little… Nine dreks might be a bit too much for this…”
“Naw,” Ev said, waving his hand through the air. “It was worth it to see you enjoy it.”
Ami melted under the gaze of his dancing, chocolate brown eyes. She smiled softly and took another bite, hoping that he didn’t see her blush. As she finished off the last of it, she licked the last bit of sugar off her fingers.
“Remember when things didn’t cost so much?” She asked wistfully.
Ev nodded. “Yep… I never knew a time when I craved sugar so much…”
“You know, there are more important things than sugar that are hard to get.”
“I suppose that gasoline, eggs, and meat are just a little more important.”
Ami sighed. “Thanks again for the doughnut. I really appreciated that.”
Another grin. “Anytime.”
“Anytime?”
“Er,” he blinked, “not anytime. Only when I have enough money for it.” He smiled sheepishly.
“That’s what I thought.”
They sat in a peaceful silence for a moment before Ev adjusted in his seat. “So.”
“So…?” Ami cocked an eyebrow.
Ev’s signature half-smile crept onto his lips.
“Oh no.”
“Oh no what? I didn’t even say anything yet.”
“Yeah, but I can tell.”
“Fine. Hear me out though.”
Ami scooted her chair closer. “Alright. I’ve mentally buckled up.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“You sure?”
He ignored her comment. “Asher came over today… and he told me about something that will really finally change things.” Ev cast a glance over his shoulder, then leaned in, his voice dropping to a whisper. “There’s a gang that wants to perform a coup on Bayron Len.”
Ami gasped. What were they thinking? “So many people have tried though.”
“And?”
“You know what happens to the unsuccessful.”
“Well, we’ll just have to hope we’re successful then.” He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head.
Ami tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I don’t like it, Ev.”
“Ami… this guy literally trapped us in a huge orb and won’t let people escape. He’s ruined our lives.”
“Yes but… everything’s normal right now. If it changes, then—”
“Normal? I don’t think living in the confines of the Orb is normal. I don’t think paying for ridiculously overpriced necessities is normal. I don’t think living with soldiers marching down the street is normal.”
Ami met Ev’s eyes. He sank back into his seat. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I just get so— so…”
“Listen, Ev, I know that you’re passionate about this, but can’t you just wait for them to take care of it?”
He shook his head. “You know better than anyone else that I can’t just sit still and do nothing.”
Ami sighed. She wasn’t sure what scared her more—the fact that Ev could get seriously hurt or imprisoned because of this, or the fact that if they succeeded, her steady unchanging life would suddenly be upturned. “I don’t know… I guess I’ll come along to see what it’s all about but… it doesn’t mean I’ll agree to the whole thing.”
He smiled softly. “That’s okay. Thanks, though.”
She forced a smile to match his.
“The thing is…”
An awkward pause.
“I have to go in a few minutes.”
She sighed. “So that means I have to go with you right about now.”
He shrugged, his face straight but his eyes smiling. “I suppose so.”
“Alright.” She stood up. “I’ll be right back.” She made sure it was okay with her mom to take a walk with Ev and then slipped on her shoes. “Okay. I have to be back in an hour.”
“Should be plenty of time.”
“Hopefully,” Ami murmured, opening the door. “You sure this isn’t a stupid idea?” She crossed her arms and stood on the doorstep, watching Ev with her deep eyes.
He shrugged. “Of course it’s not.”
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Love it! No big critiques. Can’t wait to read more!!
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottI love them! They’re so sweet! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I like it!! Can’t wait to read more!!
I really like this, lol:
“Nine dreks! Ev, you didn’t have to I—”
“Ah, ah, ah! I already did. Eat it and be grateful.” He flashed her a smile.
I also like Amidala.
_______
Ok, from here is my own opinion… you obviously don’t have to listen to me. 😊
The only thing that I thought I might mention… is that you may want to add more description. I kinda had a hard time imagining the characters (other than that you said Asher had dark hair, so I imagine Ev with dark hair too…?). I mean, it’s up to you, of course—and maybe I’m just a description nerd, I don’t know.
Anyhow, I enjoyed reading and can’t wait for more!!
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Thanks, they really are 😊
Thank you!!
Yeah, that’s fair. I use more description later on. I imagine my characters pretty vividly in my head, but I don’t always write it out. Typically I sprinkle in bits of description every now and then. Like, I think in the next chapter or so, I mention Ami has blonde hair. For the most part I pair description with an action when I’m describing a person unless I want to give the readers a solid first impression of a side character, if that makes sense.
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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