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Hello, KP people, it has been quite a while since I have been here!
In fact, last time I was here was with the purpose of sharing a story I was working on last summer. The only problem was that I didn’t actually get around to writing that story last summer. I am here now because I am actually being disciplined and have started seriously writing it.
I have a first chapter ready, and I plan to continue writing some for the next few months of summer (however, it is unlikely that I complete the entire book before school starts up again.)
So, if anyone is up for reading what I’ve got, I would welcome the feedback.
For now, the link should be public, so anyone should be able to see the doc. At some point in the future I might restrict access since I don’t want this to be publicly available indefinitely. If I do so, I can still grant specific people access, but for now it is easier to just leave it open. Link below. (As usual remove space after the ‘h’.)
h ttps://drive.google.com/file/d/1O3ppGmjOwnUeYwN2A2ZqvMgbmk3tgGF4/view?usp=sharing
If you’re wondering what to expect, this is a fantasy story, though some elements will feel a bit like sci-fi (you’ll see once we get to like chapter 4 or something.) Violence-wise, this should be fairly tame. It is definitely not a gritty story. Obviously, we will have magic systems (this is me we’re talking about after all), which is art-based if that interests you at all.
It’s been a while since I’ve really been on here, so I’ll just tag some recently active people, and if anyone else want to tag other people who might be interested, go ahead.
@highscribeofaetherium @rae @whalekeeper @loopylin @ellette-giselle @keilah-hIf you’re not interested in participating, no pressure to!
I’ll take whatever feedback anyone wants to give me, but what I’m particularly interested in is just your reactions to the story, whether that be worldbuilding, characters, events, etc. Understanding how readers are feeling about things is some of the most valuable information I can get.
Here’s the things I thought of after my first readthrough. They may be slightly random.
1. I think the worldbuilding and magic system is introduced in understandable amounts (though I already knew some things about the magic system so I may not be the best judge)
b. It’s very engaging to read and if I picked this up in a bookstore and read the first chapter (a thing which I do not do, but whatever) I’d definitely want to keep reading.
III. I’d like to know what the architecture looks like a bit more aside from having red roofs and the tower being marble, because the red roofs make me think of Venice or something which probably isn’t accurate. But I don’t think that’s necessarily something
4. You used the word ‘quiet’ two sentences in a row in paragraph 3 or something. I noticed it right away and you might want to replace one of them.
5. I thought that the dialogue during Lyren’s trial got a tad repetitive. I might read it again to see what I think a second time.
f. Question, is it pronounced Leer-en or Lie-ren? Or something else?
VII. I’m going to need you to write the next chapter now.
Exit pursued by bear
III. Venice is close actually. Florence is the actual inspiration. Next chapter should have a more complete description of things since we won’t be so high above everything.
4. I will try to catch that next time.
f. Lyre-in. Like the musical instrument but with an extra syllable.
VII. I’ll try, I’ll try!
Just from the first few sentences I was intrigued! The fact that you referred to the “gods” as actual beings is interesting. This is what they call their leaders, I assume? Considering one is on trial and another was injured in a fight, behaviors an immortal non-human god presumably can’t display.
I also love the color magic! In the magic system my brother and I make up for our Lego stories we have something with the same theme. It’s not really like yours, but each specific power is symbolized by a color. What does each color do in your system?
I will definitely come back to read more when you add it!
Gerald handled that. You don’t question Gerald. (if you know you know)
Thanks! I will tag you when I post a new chapter.
You will find out more about the gods eventually, but it’s not much of a spoiler to say that, yes, they are humans. The term “god” is more than just a title, but they’re not thought of as gods to the extent that the Greek gods were irl, for example.
What does each color do in your system?
You’ve seen most of the colors at this point. There’s a total of nine: three primary colors, three secondary colors, and three “values” (black, white, and gray are not technically colors so they are referred to as “values” instead.) Each color is paired with its compliment, which has an opposite effect.
Green: A green line acts as a conveyor, moving objects that are touching it.
Red: A red line acts as a barrier that strips momentum from objects as they pass through.
Blue: An area enclosed within blue lines becomes liquified, turning into a malleable viscous liquid.
Orange: Orange lines improve the structural stability of an object they are painted on.
Purple: An area enclosed with purple lines has the effects of gravity reduced.
Yellow: An area enclosed with yellow lines has the effects of gravity magnified.
White: White lines, uniquely, can be drawn in the air. White outlines manifest solid material to fill them. The substance is light, durable, and colorless but disintegrates after some time.
Black: Black outlines destroy matter within them, dissolving it into black vapor. They can only penetrate a few feet into a surface.
Gray: An area enclosed with gray lines nullifies magical effects within it. Any other color lines inside are destroyed and a person loses any Color that they have absorbed. Gray is the only ability that has no counterpart.
@highscribeofaetherium @keilah-h @whalekeeper
Update: In case anyone was wondering, since it’s been a while since I posted ch1, I am still working on chapter 2. It has been slowed down by unforeseen difficulties that I’m trying to solve, and the fact that I had to delete a few pages that weren’t good as a result. It might be a while yet, but once I solve the issues I’m having, things might move faster and I hopefully will start getting chapters out more frequently.
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