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@esther-c @kyronthearcanin @freedomwriter76 @acancello @gwyndalf-the-wise @anyone
Hi guys!
This is a really old short story of mine. I’ve decided not to turn it into a novel, but I’d still like to hone it and fix it up. Edits/opinions/ideas are appreciated!!The ballroom was a sea of bobbing and floating colors. Even the oppressive Alabama heat could not stop the guests from coming in the hundreds. Sure, the room was moderately arrayed and the air dreadfully stifling, but the war-weary souls of the people needed this time together so badly that they were willing to brave the steamy ballroom.
As with all balls, there was one couple who held the attention of the entire room. A slender girl with milky skin and dark curls in a wine colored satin and a sandy-haired young man in a crude gray uniform. They were the subject of many stares and pointed fingers even late into the evening and they seemed to know it. Yet it didn’t appear to bother them in the slightest.
During a slow waltz, the girl in the wine colored stain laid her head on the rough colorless wool of her partner’s chest.
“Are you ready, Will?” She whispered so only her could hear.
He gave a nearly invisible nod. They continued moving to the music, simply another blur of color in the swirling sea of dresses and uniforms. Will lifted his head and saw with relief that nearly every couple was dancing, leaving only a few loners stranded on the edges of the ballroom. Very slowly and quite invisibly, he and his girl made their way to a wide doorway, still dancing.
And like a flash, Will drew his partner off the dance floor and into the vacant room. The two young people hurried through several more dark rooms and up a wide flight of stairs before catching their breath.
“Will,” the girl panted breathlessly, “where did they tell us to look again?”
“In his private office, Emma,” Will grabbed her by the wrist. “Hurry, darling. We haven’t much time.”
Emma and Will hurried through the beautiful southern mansion with the stars and moon shining through the paned windows as their only guide. Emma was glad to let Will lead. She certainly didn’t know where she was going, much less how to get there. Will had been briefed by their leader; she had not.
After several minutes that stretched on like hours and Emma was certain they were in the depth of the mansion, they rounded a corner and were rewarded by the sight of a vacant candle-lit study. Magnolia wood bookshelves, ornately carved, stretched toward the tiled ceiling, crammed full of ledgers and delicately bound books. Piles of old papers scattered on the desk lay vulnerable to the dripping wax candles. The only other light came from the open high rectangular window.
The young couple stood for a moment, breathing hard, until Emma snapped herself away from the spell and hurried inside.
“Come, Will. We’ve only a few minutes.”
The sound of Emma’s voice brought will back to reality. He hurried to help her sift through the massive piles of parchments. Any little flicker of the candles sent both of them glancing toward the door. Caught being here would spell certain death for Will and return home for Emma. Neither would be able to accomplish the task they had been sent for: collecting information against George Harman’s desertion of the army. The Northern Spy officials were certain he was guilty. Emma and Will has simply been sent to find enough evidence to convict him. They had to do this without Emma getting discovered and sent back to her Confederate father or Will being discovered to be a spy.
“No, no, no!” Emma murmured, flipping through a recorded book. Suddenly out of the pages dropped a yellowed piece of paper, folded and ink-marred. It fell softly, rustling the soft satin of Emma’s dress. Will turned to look as she bent to pick it up.
“What is it?”
Emma opened the letter, her fingers fumbling in haste. Will came to read over her shoulder. They read silently, breathing hard from their search, yet trying to keep their noise down. Emma gasped and put a hand to her mouth.
Will whistled appreciatively. “Nice going, Em. This is exactly what we’ve-”
Will’s whisper was interrupted by the echoing of boots stomping up the stairwell. “Are you sure you saw them go up here?” A quiet male voice asked, beginning to round the corner.
Panicked, Will grabbed Emma by her wrist again and yanked her out the door, back into the dark. Together they raced up another flight of stairs, feeling their way in the dark, flying around corners (Emma lost her shoes around the third one) in search of an open door. Will rattled doorknobs as quietly as possible, muttering angrily as none yielded to his twisting. Finally after what felt like ages, one ancient knob fell off its door at his feet. He threw his weight against the door, shoved Emma inside and held the door closed.
Panting and enjoying the adrenaline of the moment, Emma looked at Will and laughed nervously. “I think we lost them!”
Will, however, was in no mood for hoping yet. Panic seizing him like an icy fist, he grabbed a surprised Emma roughly by her shoulders.
“The paper,” he breathed in her face. “The paper, Em.” The beads of sweat on his forehead reflected the moonlight from the window like fine crystal. “Please, please tell me you didn’t drop that paper.”
Emma bit her lip and looked down.
Will collapsed, groaning, running his hands over his face. Something light and fragile dropped into his lap. He peeked through his hands and reached with trembling fingers to pick up the folded it. The evidence. Their hope and the hope of their cause.
Emma stood over him, hands on her hips. “I thought you had more faith in me that that, Will Frazier,” she huffed, fiddling with the ruby charm around her neck.
Will stood and took her hand. “My dear Miss Conner,” he whispered, kneeling. “You have saved us. I apologize from the deepest part of my being.”
He straightened, the boyish look of happiness twinkling in his eyes. “The spymaster will rest easy to have this in his hands.”
Emma grinned.
But her grin faded as they heard the footsteps closing in again, this time faster and louder. Will yanked Emma’s arm and they ran further into the ancient mansion.
"To death or to victory"
Ooo I like it! Wasn’t expecting it to be a spy story, that was a nice twist.
XD that could just be my love of spy stories/mysteries coming out thoughIs this all you have or are you releasing it in snippets? *really wants to read more*
“Are you ready, Will?” She whispered so only her could hear.
I think you meant he or her partner. XD Cause Will is clearly not a lady.
My only other critique is that you might want to…show more of them trying to get to the office undetected. I’m not sure how one would do that, but yeah. Sorry. 😅
Will stood and took her hand. “My dear Miss Conner,” he whispered, kneeling. “You have saved us. I apologize from the deepest part of my being.”
XD Love that line. *round of applause*
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19Oooooh I love this!!! 😃😃
I agree with @gwyndalf-the-wise I would love to read more, even as just a larger short story.
Unfortunately, I cannot think of any critiques to give right now, other than Will wasn’t capitalized once. 😅 I really love the story! It feels so real.
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
@gwyndalf-the-wise and @kyronthearcanin
I’m so glad you guys like it!! *curtsies* Again, it’s an old piece and I wasn’t sure if I should just scrap it. Thanks for finding those grammatical errors!
Here’s the deal…I do have another part. I was planning on having both Will and Emma flashback to show their really different home lives and their families take on the war. I was afraid that might make it a little too long, but what do you guys think? Should I add in the flashbacks within this plot or just flesh out this story and write separate ones about Will and Emma’s pasts? I guess then it would end up a little short story collection…
"To death or to victory"
Definitely do not scrap it!!! 😅🤣 It’s way too good to scrap. Use it in something, make it its own something, but just don’t get rid of it. You never know when you might use it.
Hmmm… I think maybe do them separately? I like the characters and think it would be good to see more of them. If you did it all in one, it would be strange to have smaller bits of flashbacks weaved in, though I think if you tried you could pull it off. So, either way would work, but I’d go with separate stories.
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
@landric Oh goodness I love this so much. I can totally see the story and the whole aesthetic come to life!! Totally didn’t see the spy twist coming but it was superb. Gosh no, don’t you dare scrap this story, I want to see more! However, I do agree with @kyronthearcanin I think separate stories is the way to go. Who knows, you might be able to combine all of them into a book like it’s a mini anthology or some similar creative idea 😉
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
I love this!! And girl, you are great at description!! I could picture everything so perfectly!! 😄👏 Wonderful job!
There are a few things I would tweak though.
Together they raced up another flight of stairs, feeling their way in the dark, flying around corners (Emma lost her shoes around the third one) in search of an open door.
So, the line in parentheses here is a bit awkward to me. Since it doesn’t seem to be important, I would just cut it if I were you. Unless it’s going to be important later on, since this is kinda only a part of the story. Then you could somehow make it smoother and keep up with the pace of the story.
Also, I felt like the beginning went from them to dancing, to the actually plot of the story really quickly. Now that’s not necessarily bad. I’d say it depends on the pacing of the rest of the story and the mood. So that’s just something to consider.
Anyway, I can’t wait to read more if you share some more! I’m really intrigued by the story and I’m excited to see where it’s headed!! 😄 (If you continue it of course. 😉 )
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Thank you so much for the feedback and the compliment 😉 I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Description is one of my favorite parts of fiction writing, so I’m glad I was able to pull it off well. I think all of your edits are good catches and I’ll definitely tweak those.
"To death or to victory"
@starshiness @kyronthearcanin @gwyndalf-the-wise
Thank you guys so much for the feedback! And for catching the errors. 😉 I’ve made the decision to try to break my idea down into several short stories like you suggested. I think that’ll be better than trying to cram everything into one really loooong short story.
Too many of those already exist am I right?But for now, I’m working on editing this first one, so I’ll post for more edits when I’m done!"To death or to victory"
You’re so welcome!! I’m glad I could help! 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@landric Awesome! I hope to see more in the future 🙂
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
Of course! =D
Also if you decide to post more of it, regardless of whether or not you want suggestions, I’d love to read it!
"...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
(Part of) Isaiah 45:19
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