- This topic has 14 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@highscribeofaetherium @thearcaneaxiom @rae @savannah_grace2009 @grcr @hanako @acancello @hybridlore @anyone
This is a short story I had to write for my creative writing class. I thought I’d share it here as well. I’m not necessarily looking for feedback–I got plenty already–but if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.
Blade of the Void
He had been given the power to bring justice. The power to save the world. Once he had only been able to watch as the powerful and corrupt destroyed lives. But no longer. And tonight, he was going to finish what he had started. At last, this land of war and pestilence would be saved.
Adikar materialized in a dark hallway in the palace of the warmonger’s fortress. He started down it, in the direction of the king’s chambers, leaving behind a strange blackness where he had first appeared. In his hand he gripped a sword. It was completely black as though light could not reflect off it. It looked like a hole in reality.
The sword had been given to him so that he could seek justice. Condemnation they called it. He slid it back into its sheath as he peeked around a corner.
Two guards stood on either side of a door farther down the hall. Adikar felt disgust rise within him. How could anyone defend this tyrant, this man who waged unjust war and made his own people starve? He thought he could do whatever he wanted. But he was wrong. Nobody is above the law.
Adikar stepped out and strode towards the guards. Immediately, they leveled their spears at him warningly. Before they could speak, Adikar drew Condemnation and sliced through the spears. The sword left a trail of blackness as it was swung. The spearheads vanished into Unspace as they were severed from their poles. The black rip left by the sword sealed itself. The guards stared in shock as Adikar swung again and cut them down.
As the bodies collapsed, Adikar stepped towards the door and raised Condemnation over his head. He brought it down in an overhead stroke, opening a large black rift. He quickly stepped through it, entering a black void. He sliced again and stepped back out on the other side of the door.
The hallway ahead was lined with guards. They jumped in surprise as he emerged from Unspace. Adikar ripped open another hole and stepped through, reappearing in the midst of them. They cried out as he slashed through them in a swathe. He turned and struck at a guard who was attacking from behind. The guard dodged to the side, barely avoiding the sword. Adikar rammed him with his shoulder, knocking him through the newly created tear in reality. His scream was cut off as the hole sealed.
The remainder of the guards beat a hasty retreat towards the door on the other end of the hall. Adikar slipped through Unspace once more and appeared ahead of them, cutting them down. Adikar impassively sheathed Condemnation as he stepped over them towards the door.
Adikar smashed through the door without his sword and stepped into a dark well-furnished room. A figure in a nightrobe was cowering against the back of a couch. He was cleanshaven and looked to be around twenty. Adikar stalked towards him.
“Where is the king?” he demanded. The figure on the floor looked up at him with terror.
“Who—who are you? What do you want?” he stammered. He glanced past Adikar into the hallway where the corpses lay and retched. Adikar lifted him by the collar of his robes.
“Where is he?” Adikar demanded, laying his hand on the hilt of his sword.
“Wha—I am the king!” blubbered the man.
Adikar threw him over the couch. The king scrambled backwards as Adikar slowly walked around the couch.
“No! Please!” screamed the king, backing up until he was against the wall, “Mercy!”
“Mercy!” scoffed Adikar, “like you showed to the people of Arcirath when you went to war on them? Like you showed to your subjects when you plundered their food to feed your armies?”
“I didn’t want to!” cried the king, weeping, “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! My advisors! They told me I should! They said my father would have been disappointed!”
Adikar stopped in front of the king, huddled on the ground, whimpering like a child. “I charge you with crimes of the highest order,” he said, “you created war between your country and another, resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocents. You also took supplies from your own people, causing hundreds more. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
The king looked up in horror. “I just did!” he sputtered, “I didn’t mean to. I—”
“You committed the crime,” said Adikar, “you will now pay the consequence.” He drew Condemnation and raised it above his head. The king’s eyes widened as he stared into the bottomless darkness of the blade.
Adikar pushed down the feeling of pity that had risen inside him. This man had to be destroyed. Adikar rammed the blade through the warmonger’s chest. His scream was cut off as his form melted into darkness and he vanished into Unspace.
Adikar silently sheathed Condemnation. The blade was unstained by blood. He turned to leave. The warmonger had been the last of the tyrants he had to eliminate, but if his words were true, the advisors were guilty too. How long until there is no more injustice?
A voice spoke behind him. “Well done, Blade of the Void,” it said. Adikar whipped around, hand going to his sword. It was him. He appeared as a floating shadow, not resting on any surface. Adikar didn’t respond. He had only seen this being once when it had given him the sword. It had made him who he was—given him the power to bring justice. It still made his skin crawl.
“Why have you come to me…lord?” Adikar asked. He didn’t know how to address this thing—he didn’t even know what it was.
“You have done your work well,” it said.
“My work is not yet done.” Adikar said, “this warmonger’s advisors are guilty as well.”
“They will be dealt with,” it said.
“Why did you come?” Adikar asked again.
“Give me the sword,” said the shadow.
Adikar hesitated. Would he get it back? He didn’t dare disobey this being, so he reluctantly drew Condemnation and held the hilt towards the shadow. Its vaguely translucent hand gripped the sword, and it held it up, appearing to examine it.
“Do you know why I gave this to you?” it asked.
“So that I could bring justice—” Adikar began, but the shadow interrupted him.
“Because you asked to bring justice,” it corrected.
“What is the difference?” Adikar said.
“Do you remember what else I told you?” continued the shadow, ignoring him.
“You said there would be a great cost,” said Adikar, “I believe I have born it. I have had to do…terrible things.”
“You did them in the name of justice,” said the shadow, “and you didn’t seem perturbed by what you did tonight.”
“That is part of the cost,” said Adikar, “I fear I have grown desensitized.”
The shadow chuckled slightly.
“What?” snapped Adikar.
“Oh, Adikar,” the shadow sighed, “you have such a hard time understanding. The cost is really quite simple. What you’ve done to your soul is your own fault. I had nothing to do with it. The cost I speak of is much more…tangible.”
“Money?” said, Adikar, “You want me to pay you for the sword?”
“No,” said the shadow, laughing, “It is your crimes you must pay for.”
Adikar blanched.
“You are surprised?” it said, “surely you must hold yourself to the same laws you held your victims. No one is above the law, remember?”
“I did everything in the name of justice!” spat Adikar.
“You think it is impossible to commit injustices in the name of justice?” asked the shadow.
“You don’t even care about justice, do you!” said Adikar defiantly.
“No,” admitted the shadow, “But I will gladly take your life all the same.”
Condemnation descended upon Adikar’s head.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksWow 😮
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
Whoa. That was really interesting. Great job!
Mind if I ask if there is a moral of the story at all?
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”So this is essentially a Naln and Szeth character. I like how you added the Unspace sword you talked about earlier, and the price of hypocrisy was a good ending and theme. Great job!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
The moral is hypocrisy. To do evil on someone means that you yourself have done evil, regardless of what name you have committed it under.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Ohh.. I see.
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”Although another theme is to simply avoid making deals with the devil😅
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
lol 😂 for sure
“What be a cretin?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s a… bread you put in salad.”So this is essentially a Naln and Szeth character.
(I’m assuming you meant ‘Nale’? I think you combined ‘Nale’ and Taln.) Yeah, I think it might have been largely subconscious on my part, but I definitely see the similarities. What I find intriguing about my character is the differences from Nale or Szeth. The scene is obviously similar to when we first meet Szeth in SA, and the character’s motivations are obviously similar to Nale’s, but unlike either of them, I think this character actually thinks he is doing the right thing, which is probably more terrifying.
I like how you added the Unspace sword you talked about earlier, and the price of hypocrisy was a good ending and theme. Great job!
This was actually the first place the sword showed up. I had already written this when I shared about the sword. Thanks! This is the first time I’ve written anything complete and I’m pretty happy with how it turned out.
Mind if I ask if there is a moral of the story at all?
I’m not a fan of stories having “morals” per say, but all stories have a theme, which might be considered similar to a moral. TheArcaneAxiom has it pretty much right. The main thing I was going for is basically that if you give someone power, they are going to misuse it, because they are fallen. In this case, specifically, Adikar is given this super powerful sword, that basically gives him the ability to kill anyone he wants. I tried to imply that Adikar probably started out as a normal, decent person, but he is a fallible judge. He is not God, but he thinks he can judge people as though he were, and yet he exempts himself.
Sorry for writing an essay on the theme of my own story lol.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksWell…that was intense.
Good job!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Interesting. I definitely get a better idea of the sword and Unspace from reading about it in your story. I like it. Kind of reminds me of Kingdom Tales and Halo mixed together. Have you ever heard of kingdom Tales?
"We don't play to win, we win by playing."
-Fellowship Bible Chapel
I’m assuming you meant ‘Nale’? I think you combined ‘Nale’ and Taln.
Whoops😅
Yeah, I think it might have been largely subconscious on my part, but I definitely see the similarities. What I find intriguing about my character is the differences from Nale or Szeth. The scene is obviously similar to when we first meet Szeth in SA, and the character’s motivations are obviously similar to Nale’s, but unlike either of them, I think this character actually thinks he is doing the right thing, which is probably more terrifying.
Yeah! He’s definitely his own character with unique motives, and it creates a very unique concept that stands on its own, despite seeming to have been derived by similar existing characters. That’s how I feel about Liren actually, who is essentially a Szeth type character, but synthesizes with other ideas into a completely different concept, and is terrifying in a very different kind of way, if not more terrifying. I’ll have to post his short story as well, now that I’m seeing all these similarities. It could be cool if Liren and Adikar could meet in an RP if that would interest you. Kirrtes would probably just want to kill Adikar for the sake of killing him, or get information off him, while Adikar would try to kill Liren for injustly murdering everyone.
This was actually the first place the sword showed up. I had already written this when I shared about the sword. Thanks! This is the first time I’ve written anything complete and I’m pretty happy with how it turned out.
Cool! Yeah, it’s really well done, and shows plenty of possibility for more complex narrative!
By the way, is this in Celestiar?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
It could be cool if Liren and Adikar could meet in an RP if that would interest you. Kirrtes would probably just want to kill Adikar for the sake of killing him, or get information off him, while Adikar would try to kill Liren for injustly murdering everyone.
Yeah, although in this story at least, I don’t find Adikar particularly interesting, he’s actually fairly flat. But he would probably be more interesting earlier in his career.
By the way, is this in Celestiar?
Errr… I’m gonna say…yes and no? There are definitely a lot of things that I would like to use in Celestiar, particularly the sword, and the shadow is also well within the mythology of Celestiar. This particular, so Tory, however, I’m not so sure if I want it to be. I was thinking it might be interesting if it were a legend on some planet. The sword could then show up somewhere else. Although the tricky thing about the sword, is that it bares a resemblance to a certain object in the Cosmere…
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYeah, although in this story at least, I don’t find Adikar particularly interesting, he’s actually fairly flat. But he would probably be more interesting earlier in his career.
What I would want to see is his degradation into what he eventually became. It would have to be really subtle though, and feel like this could be a process that you yourself could go down, which would add to the terror element.
Errr… I’m gonna say…yes and no? There are definitely a lot of things that I would like to use in Celestiar, particularly the sword, and the shadow is also well within the mythology of Celestiar. This particular, so Tory, however, I’m not so sure if I want it to be. I was thinking it might be interesting if it were a legend on some planet. The sword could then show up somewhere else. Although the tricky thing about the sword, is that it bares a resemblance to a certain object in the Cosmere…
It does, and I won’t be the only one that thinks of Nale. I would say that’s ultimately fine though, but you could perhaps play with versions of the idea to come up with something that feels more unique.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I won’t be the only one that thinks of Nale.
I’m actually not very worried about that. The idea of perverted justice, or legality above all, are actually pretty common. There’s also Javert from Les Mis.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
