Beta Reader wanted for my first 2 chapter of my Fantasy WIP

[Elanor]

Also, maybe add more actions done by the characters. Motions, expressions, etc. because most of what’s happening is talking.

I’m the kind of reader who likes lots of descriptions when I’m reading it helps me to “see” the story in my mind more vividly. I really like JJR Tolkien’s writings because there are lots of descriptions and background yet enough mystery to keep you reading, but that is also something that people tell me that too much of can deter them from reading a book. Like, I read Ben Hur a few months ago and it was SO detailed that I felt I was drowned in the detail before  I actually got to the point. So finding a balance in the middle I guess.

I hope what I’ve said makes sense. Sorry for rambling.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf

[Anika123]

@elanor

Oh ok, i will try to keep it informal, I never realized that

Thank you so much for your feedback

[Evelyn]

@elanor

Ah, no worries, happens occasionally xD

If you ask me about my book, I will talk for hours. Have a nice day!😊

[Elfwing]

@anika123

So I also read your chapters you posted, and I find the plot very intriguing!! It’s well made as far as the actual story, I found it exciting and curiosity invoking!

for improving the sentence structure, I would say to add more motion to the characters, wide eyes can be used for surprise or fear, and raised eyebrow for skepticism, gasp for shock, etc. shuffling feet for nervousness, huff and rolling eyes for disrespect or annoyance, face lighting up for delight/joy/realization of something wonderful, a big smile for warm greeting or happiness, and things like that.

I love Bumblebun!! he’s a great character, well done! I’d say if you add more actions to his character too, it would add to the amount of interest; such as a twitching tail if he’s annoyed (which is classic cat mood portrayal), or ears flattened if he’s annoyed or upset, or eyes sparkling in excitement, things like that. So all in all, just add a bit more detail on living beings.

I’d also say, take a chance to observe people’s body language when they talk, so watch others interacting, and notice how they move when talking, hand gestures, etc.

like instead of stating in the beginning the color of the main character’s eyes and hair, I would find a way to add it in; such as, she’s calling to her mom while she finishes braiding her hair, in which you can add the color, something like that.

Also, I’d say read some of your favorite books, and take notes of what the characters do when they’re talking, and observe the sentence structures.

sorry, that’s a lot of words! Hopefully this is helpful and I apologize if I came across as bossy. 🙂

I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title

[Anika123]

@elfwing

 

Thank you for all that feedback I will work on it

[Anika123]

@iluvhim18  @elanor

I have changed many things in my novel, please read it and let me know your feedback

 

[Evelyn]

@anika123

It looks really good! I’m so glad to see that the format is easier to read and the grammar mistakes have been fixed. Specific advice; I would suggest that when the mom says her first line, you wrote ‘she said’ instead ‘she groaned.’ Sometimes simplicity is your best friend! 🙂

If you ask me about my book, I will talk for hours. Have a nice day!😊

[Elanor]

@anika123

I will read it once I’ve got the time and get back to you. 🙂

 

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf

[Elanor]

I went to read the updated version of what you’ve written but the link didn’t work.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf

[Anika123]

@elanor

 

Try now

[Elanor]

@anika123

It works now. Thanks. 🙂

I read to the end of what you’ve written and I’m greatly enjoying it!
The changes you made improved it greatly. It is flowing nicely. I can’t say there’s anything at this point I noticed that needs changes. 😁

 

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf

[imwritehere1920]

@anika123

Hi there, I’m Lily and I also write middle-grade fantasy!  Do you still want feedback on your story?  I’d love to read through it.  🙂

Ps.  I’d be happy to use the link to your document, instead of email.  🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by imwritehere1920.

Dream. Write. Inspire.

https://thepencilsisters.com

[Anika123]

@imwritehere1920

 

Hi,

I would love for you to give me feedback

 

[imwritehere1920]

@anika123

Alright, thanks!  I’ll use the link on the previous page, if that’s alright?

Dream. Write. Inspire.

https://thepencilsisters.com

[Anika123]

@imwritehere1920

Ya, that’s fine

[Author]

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