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Hi guys!
@devestate-lasting, @kathleenramm, @joy-caroline, @abigail-m, @gracie-j, @Godlyfantasy12, @anyone-else.
I recently wrote a peice of flash fiction, It has a theme of how people can leave lasting impressions on others though they may only meet once in their lives. I’d love to know what you honestly think or if you have any suggestions for reducing word count!
Sailor’s Song
I was swimming through one of the lonely grottos on the sisterhood’s island. No other would be with me. I must do this on my own. I found a rock jutting from the sea, well-illumined in the moonlight. With a flap of my tail, I launched myself out of the water and landed with a slight splatting sound. This was my night.
I situated my tail so it would be hidden from human eyes, praying the Moon-goddess would be gracious and allow a fisherman to pass my watching-place. It was the third night without any man, and Mother would be outraged if I failed.
I tested the acoustics of my chosen spot, a rock jutting from the sea surrounded by cliffs. I opened my fanged mouth and let song ripple off my forked tongue, I sang no words, it was pure melody that shot out from my bosom, inarticulate since there was no man whose desires would create words for me.
My teeth and tongue began to develop their illusion to appear as a normal woman’s mouth. My hair began to glow and float about my face, bright gold strands of twisting fire that stretched beyond their normal length searching for a man to entangle. I paused, and heard my voice rebound as my hair dropped onto my shoulders. I smiled, though never tested, I knew my voice and beauty would easily ensnare.
I heard the faint sound of a fisherman paddling home and I crouched low. I peered over the edge; a healthy young man was about to row past me. My slit-pupils dilated; I couldn’t have asked for a finer catch. However, before I unleashed the first note, my voice caught as I heard a deep, melodious song. I cannot remember his exact words, but his song said something of the following:
“Over sea, over land,
I traveled to find you.
For my heart, my hand,
And my life I’d gladly give you.
Darling love, wonder of your kin,
I’ll love you and you alone,
to the depths and back again.”
It was a simple sailor’s song. Sung by a simple sailor’s voice. But it was beautiful, and I was struck dumb until his song was over. When the last note trembled into the distance, I recalled myself and began my own song. My tongue faltered, and words I did not intend spilled from me, the response that leapt to my tongue as if I’d known it all my life… the desire of his heart:
“Over sea, over land,
You have travelled to find me.
For my heart, my hand,
And my life I’d gladly give thee.
Darling love, wonder of your kin,
I’ll love you and you alone,
To the depths and back again.”
When it was over, I paused, feeling the longing in my words that stemmed from his heart. I forced myself to begin my song of entrapment, a wordless desire to have a woman at his side. My hair grew out to a hundred times its length and began to swirl about the man. As strands began to wrap about him and I climbed to the summit of the rock, he glared at me, right into my eyes, and pulled my hair away from him. He began to sing again,
“My darling one, so far away,
I have a band on my finger to remind me of your tenderness,
I have a promise that transcends the evils around me,
And if I die by them, know I loved thee.”
My hair had relaxed, and the enchantment of my voice subsided. I was in the power of the fellow. I shrieked a high note in hopes of killing him with it.
The man staggered with the power of my voice, his ship rocked, and he clutched the sides,
“You, evil one, are powerless here.
You cannot do a thing when the light is near!
Your strengths are but a shamble,
Your glory but a farce,
Here in the light,
Your might runs sparse!”
As the man hastened to paddle away, I sent volleys of sound – but he continued, and I heard his strange melodies carrying over my shouts – and when he was gone, I snarled, asking why he was stronger than me.
But since, I’ve had my successes. Drawing life out of men effortlessly. But still, all these years later, I wonder about the man who escaped me. I can’t help envying a power like his… but I suppose I’ll never obtain it.
Thank you!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@scoutfinch180 if I may, I simply glanced at KP for a moment, but now after reading this, I want more of its kind.
I love this captivating little tale. Criticism I don’t have much of here, it was pretty compact, perhaps a little less scene description if you’re really trying to shave it down further. Maybe explore more of the curiosity that the singer/siren has for the sailor. But I did like this.
@scoutfinch180 Dude. As a huge siren fan…dude. I LOVE THIS. No critique whatsoever!
the resident romance ghost; last seen within the pages of a gothic novel
Thank you for tagging me! I’m glad I didn’t miss this:) It hooked me right on the sentence where the siren’s tail is mentioned and from there I was reeled right into the story. The songs and aesthetic were awesome, the only suggestion I can make in that area is that the second line of the third song felt kind of prolonged and slightly awkward on the first read, but that’s only my observation.
I love the theme. And I loved the adjectives and adverbs used, (yes that’s a weird compliment, but it’s one of the things that either bring me into a story or shove me out).
Sailor’s Song was captivating and overall it was amazing 😀@scoutfinch180 You’re so welcome!!! 😀
the resident romance ghost; last seen within the pages of a gothic novel
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That was absolutely captivating! I was hooked from your very first sentence, and I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I love the sailor’s strength and his trust in God to keep him from temptation. It was wonderful to read. <333
@scoutfinch180 Absolutely, anytime. Thanks for the read.
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