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@grcr @spinner4him @jonas @euodia-vision @freedomwriter76 @hanako @highscribeofaetherium @hybridlore @devastate-lasting @power @anyone randomly looking at my profile.

I would like some serious criticizing on this scene. I don’t want to hear anything like “It’s good” I want to hear stuff like, “It needs help here…” “It’s fine here…” I don’t know what to do with it, so hopefully you guys have an idea…

“It was Chanai 7th, three days after the Deal.
Nahim had just come off of the wing of the Nightmare, but even then, he could barely see the outline of the ship.
Something moved in the swirling fog. Nahim’s hand touched his sword. He was aware, and alert. He had never liked foggy eerie settings, they always set him on edge.
Something impacted Nahim’s armor about six inches above where his plate ended at the bottom of the rib cage. There was a boom and a flash from the object. Nahim drew his gun and aimed into the fog. His helmet searched for some signature from the person who had shot at him, but it could detect none.
Carefully, Nahim proceeded towards where he thought the shot had come from. Step by Step he drew closer, but no matter how much he wandered in the fog, he found nothing.
Returning to the Nightmare, he picked up te little bit of metal that lay where Nahim had stood before. It was a bullet casing, mangled by the small explosion it had caused.
Nahim found Master Paul in his room, and tossed him the remnant.
“Someone took a shot at me right outside the front door.” Master Paul looked up as the bullet landed on his book.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, fine. It just hit above my stomach.”
“He’s getting better. Did you find him?”
“Same ordeal as last time.” Master Paul fell into quiet thought as Nahim excused himself. Turning down the hallway, he ran into 23.
“Nahim, the tracker has moved to the nearby city of Cooscoos. Its current location is on the road in the Southern part, called Ca-Tane.”
“Tell Master Paul I shall be leaving with a speeder immediately.”
“Yes, Nahim.” Nahim’s eyes followed after the droid, before he turned to go prepare a speeder, well aware the assassin might be waiting outside.
Nothing hit his armor as he set forth, not to return for many hours.
*****
Out of the blue hallway and into the cockpit, Nahim took off his helmet and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Master Paul met the gaze of his tired eyes.
“Nothing?” Nahim shook his head.
“I had a good speeder chase. Until something shot the speeder. That chance of getting Dan Wan went up in flames. Literally.” Master Paul cocked an eyebrow.
“What something?”
“Incineration round.” Nahim held up a gungedal bullet like the one from before. Master Paul reached for it and began to examine the bullet.
“This wasn’t meant for your speeder, it was meant for you.” He fingered the thing. It was designed to kill Realn, to enter by way of piercing the Mithweve over the stomach and exploding once inside. He was surprised Nahim wasn’t more concerned about himself. Master Paul, though nothing in his features gave it away, was himself disturbed by the sight of the bullet. Maybe Nahim was just too tired to care if he was dead or not.
“I know. I’ve got a feeling that ol’ Dan has got some Underworld friend guarding his back now. Before I retire––”
“After you retire. At least get a few hours of sleep, and then you may do whatever it is.” Nahim wasn’t much in a mood to complain besides a low groan. Master Paul smiled at the protest. “I still think you are similar to my son.”
“Well, if I meet him one day, I’ll judge for myself.” Sluggishly, Nahim turned away to his room. The door closed with a swish.
Alone. It felt good to be alone. Today had been a day full of his speeder chases and figuring out how to get back to Master Paul with a helmet that didn’t want to open comm. Nahim sat on his bunk, head bowed and hands loosely folded between his legs. Something about the position brought back to his mind a thing forgotten. ‘When was the last time I talked to Ehyeh?’ A long time. A line formed between his eyebrows. Half of him wanted to talk to the loving God of the Realn, but another half said no. He sighed and ushered the thought from his mind. Laying his head down, he stared up at the ceiling, bare, with nothing of interest. Slowly, Nahim’s hand strayed to his throat, where he detached a small round hologram from his armor. It was not noticeable when put in place, a feature painstakingly crafted. Pressing his finger upon the middle, a colored photo materialized. Setting the piece on his chest, Nahim put his hands behind his head and studied the picture. He was twelve in the photo, with long black hair that reached a little past his shoulders, striking a superhero pose. He wasn’t wearing armor, rather a black long-sleeved shirt and dark grey pants. A smile of confidence was etched in his face. Next to him, was a woman. Long black hair cascaded over her shoulders. Her eyes were peacefully shut with a half-smile. A man’s strong hand was around her waist, and her head rested upon one shoulder. She wore armor of a green and light blue, her left hand lovingly grasping her husband. He was tall and muscular, with the same black hair, but in a rowdy, short style. He wore armor with a uniform of black, grey and little red. He smiled, and a bright twinkle was in his light grey eyes. Next to him was a young man, his black hair buzz-cut and his height and apparel like that of his father. He was smiling under his spread hand over his face. His cheeks were a little red. Another young man was a kneeling next to him, three fingers over the top of the head of the youngest, Larin, who was doing a pose that he apparently thought was ‘cool’. We all wonder what his definition of ‘cool’ was. Alin’s (for this was the one who had his fingers above the head of the youngest) face had the most mischievous smile, along with one eyebrow up, and the other eye closed. Of all of them, Alin’s brown eyes, and Nahim’s red ones seemed to always show up in pictures more than anything else. As was the custom of Alin, he wore a dark speeder suit with a stripe of electric blue down the side. Larin wore the same as Nahim. It was to this that Nahim’s eyes finally shut in peace.
Nahim started awake; the hologram on his chest slid onto the floor with a clink. Someone had entered his room and now stood against the blinding light of the doorway.
“I’m not going to kill you, Nahim.” A smile smirked across Master Paul’s face at Nahim’s reaction to his entrance. Nahim stretched his shoulders back, before reaching down to grab his hologram, turning off the picture. He replaced it at his neck band. “Was that your family?”
“Yeah. Why’d you come in?”
“Your tracker moved. We have now landed on Ezresh.”
“Ezresh? Is that not one of the planets controlled by the Realn outside of our system?”
“It is.”
“Why in the Galaxies would the fleeing prey knowingly jump in the fire of the dragon?”
“Maybe the ‘fleeing prey’ has an ally, who can help deflect the fire. Maybe even one of the dragon’s own teeth. The nephew, Nahim, the nephew who became a Realn. Do you think that we have been too close for his comfort? Do you think that he wants help from one of the Realn’s own people to save himself?” There was a flicker in Master Paul’s eye. He was finally coming within reach of grasping his goal. He could almost feel his goal within his fists, that this was the last running mile, before the winning.”