KP Critiques | The Runaway Princess

Welcome back to another installment of KP Critiques! KP Critiques is where brave KeePers send in excerpts of their writing for the Stewards of Pen. We publish the feedback on the website to help other KeePers learn and see editing in action.

If you want to get your excerpt critiqued, check out the submissions page to find out how submit one!

Today's excerpt comes from Loretta Marchize and her novel The Runaway Princess. 

A huge thanks to Loretta and everyone else who sent in KP Critiques!

Now, onto the critique:

The Runaway Princess

Chapter One

By Loretta Marchize

   Once upon a time, not-so-long-ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a girl in a tower.

A story that begins with “once upon a time” is something that readers have all seen before. So you want to show readers that you have something different, and that you are going to bring your own creativity to the table for this story. You can do this by tweaking the first sentence a little bit to add mystery or surprise. 

She was quite happy in the tower, and with her cat.

You don’t need the “and” here, unless you want to add another verb. You can say, "She was quite happy in the tower with her cat." Or, “She was quite happy in the tower, and loved spending the time with her cat.” For example.

Madam brought her books and fabric, for she loved to sew, but Madam never stayed long. The girl’s name was Celeste, and she had hair that stretched past her feet. She loved her little tower, even though Madam was never quite loving.

Her tower was her home, and she didn’t ever want to leave.

After all, why would you want to leave paradise?

“Do you think I look better in blue or green, Juniper?” Celeste asked as the pale gray cat wove between her legs. She considered the two bolts of fabric spread out in front of her.

“Mreew?”

“I agree,” she continued. “Blue it is.” She spread out the sky-blue fabric on her sewing table and began pinning a pattern in place, chattering to her cat meanwhile. “Do you think Madam is going to visit today? She hasn’t in a while, and I don’t think she has any reason to. I—Juniper!”

Juniper had jumped up onto the sewing table and sat on her pattern.

“Naughty kitty,” Celeste murmured, picking her up. “I thought you knew better than to jump on my sewing projects.'' She set the cat on her lap and brushed the fur off the table. “We’ve had this discussion before.”

Juniper kneaded her paws into Celeste’s jacket. “Purrrrrr.”

Celeste petted her absently. “I’m not even close to out of food, so she won’t be bringing any if she does come. I have plenty of fabric—Juniper would you stop?” she pushed the cat onto the floor and watched as it padded over to the window-seat and jumped up, glancing over at her pointedly.

“Meow?”

“Fine,” Celeste sighed and pushed away from the pile of fabric, sliding across the wooden floor to join the cat. “What do you want?” she asked, moving her long braid out of the way to peer out the window.

Juniper pressed her head against the glass. “Mrrrew!” 

Celeste ran a hand automatically down the cat’s soft back as she scanned the familiar horizon. Just at the edge of the sea, almost out of eyesight, she could see the shoreline that Madam often came from. No other boats ever dared travel that far into the bay unless they were passing by to the kingdom on the other side—and then they wouldn’t dare stop at the forbidden castle. 

Madam had given Celeste a book that held the legend behind her island castle for one of her birthdays.

A long time ago, Celeste’s castle had been home to the royal family. It had two long bridges stretching out on either side to the shore, two front doors, two parents, and two princes. The boys were twins, and on the day of their parent’s death, they fell to arguing about who got the kingdom.

They’d grown up without knowing who was older, you see, as the Queen wanted them to be equals. The King had written in his will that they were to share the rule of the kingdom. One half could not survive without the other.

But the princes ignored their father’s request and argued day and night until one of the princes snuck into the other prince’s half and stole all the sheep.

When the prince who lost his sheep awoke to find his half of the kingdom empty of sheep, and his people unable to make the wool they depended on, he burned the bridges to the castle and swore he’d never see his brother again, for the betrayal.

So the princes built separate castles in their kingdoms, and they refused to acknowledge each other until, eventually, the lines had grown so far apart that the groups weren’t even related anymore.

Since you began the story talking about how this is the story of Celeste’s island castle, you should wrap up the story talking about how this all relates to Celeste? Does Celeste know why she is there? Is she the only one who lives on that side of the castle? How much does Celeste know? 

“Do you think the princes were ever sorry?” Celeste asked Juniper. She eyed the black marks on the stone walls of the castle, still marked from the fire that had burned across the bridges.

Juniper rubbed against her side.

“I think they were. I would be very sorry if that happened to me,” she said decidedly.

On the shores of the kingdom that Madam always came from, a country called Kappaka, a small boat left the harbor.

Celeste sighed. “I suspect that’s Madam,” she said. “Since she’s headed towards the castle.”

Juniper lept from her perch and shot across the floor.

“She’ll want some tea,” Celeste murmured, going out into the hall.

The castle had been divided, Celeste was unsure what lay on the other half, and Madam had turned one of the downstairs sitting rooms into a small kitchen so that Celeste didn’t have to go into the shared basement kitchen.

“Madam likes mint tea, doesn’t she?” Celeste half asked, half told Juniper as they found their way to the kitchen. She hummed as she put the teapot over the fire and pulled out a jar of mint leaves.

Within due time, a knock came on the door, and Celeste made her way to the entrance.

“Celeste!” Madam cried, pushing open the door only she had keys for. She patted the girl on the shoulder and held out a rope. “Tie up my boat, won’t you?”

Celeste took the rope and looped it around the hook Madam had drilled into the stone long before Celeste was old enough to help. She adjusted the rope ladder and swept her long braid out of the doorway before she closed it.

Madam came out of the kitchen with a teacup, taking a long sip. “Ah,” she said. “That’s good.”

Celeste smiled, murmured a response, and bent to pick up Juniper.

“Leave the cat on the ground, please,” Madam said.

Juniper hissed.

“Shh,” Celeste whispered, shaking her head at the cat.

Madam’s lip curled slightly, and Celeste noticed that wrinkles were forming around her guardian’s mouth. She saw now that Madam’s rich, inky-black hair held streaks of gray, and she suppressed surprise.

At seventeen, she supposed she wasn’t getting any younger either, but she was always surprised when she realized how much Madam had aged.

“What are you looking at?” Madam asked, raising an eyebrow and taking another sip of tea.

Celeste shrugged. “Nothing,” she murmured, averting her eyes. “Are you visiting the Other side today?”

“Yes.” Madam narrowed her eyes. “Why?”

“Oh, usually, you either come because you are bringing me something, you need me to do something, or you want to visit the Other side.”

Madam relaxed, allowing a smile to play around her mouth. “You’re so innocent,” she murmured, taking another sip of tea.

Celeste frowned. Madam always considered innocent to be a bad thing, but she smiled when she said it. “I like it that way,” she ventured.

“I do, too,” Madam said and turned away. “But you’re right. I do want to visit the Other side—” she turned back to Celeste. “Do you ever wonder what is there?”

“On the Other side?” Celeste considered the question, wrapping her braid around her waist absently. “Of course. But if you don’t want me to know, I’m sure it’s awful.”

“In a way it is,” Madam agreed. “Don’t you ever want to cut that?”

Celeste glanced down at her hair. “My hair?”

“Of course. What else would I be talking about?”

“Maybe when I’m older,” Celeste said. She ran her fingers along the tightly wound braid, “But not anytime soon.”

Madam set down her teacup on a side table and waved a hand. “Do what you want,” she said. “It’s not like anyone can see you anyways. I’ll be back soon.”

Celeste knew without asking that Madam was going to the other side of the castle, and she picked up the teacup. “I’ll see you before you leave?”

“Of course,” Madam said, and she disappeared down a hall Celeste had never dared venture down.

Madam had never spoken of what lay on the other half of the castle, and Celeste had never asked. After all, if Madam didn’t tell her, she didn’t need to know. Madam was very good at protecting Celeste.

“Mmmmmmew!” Juniper mewed, snaking around Celeste’s ankles and into the kitchen.

Celeste followed the cat and washed the teacup in warm water before she set it out to dry. She watched as Juniper pawed at the cupboard that held her food.

“We don’t eat until later,” Celeste reminded the cat.

She could hear distant voices and wondered if another boater was passing the castle or if Madam was talking to someone. She leaned over the counter to stare out the window, at the other side of the bay.

Madam came from Kappaka, as did Celeste, but she was always curious about the Whiegua Kingdom. She’d read about the current royal family and how they had four children.

She put her chin in her hands, lacing her fingers together. What would it be like to have siblings? She wondered briefly and then shook her head.

As Madam often said, it was no use to sit around and daydream when you could be doing something useful.

So she climbed the stairs and went back into her bedroom, where the blue fabric for her dress was spread out across the counter.

“Meow!” Juniper leaped up onto the chair and looked expectantly up at Celeste.

Celeste laughed, scooping up the cat and setting it on her lap. “Well, Juniper, what should we do when I need a break? I think I found a book in the library that I’ve never read.”

--

Comments

This is a really enjoyable read, Lorretta! Celeste's relationship with the cat is sweet, and your writing style is beautiful. I also love Celeste’s dialogue bits and the way she talks. I can clearly hear her in my head.

I don’t have too much to critique, just a couple tips to make the scene overall more engaging.

      1. Give Celeste a goal

For example, in Disney’s Tangled (I chose this example because the setup is similar), when Rapunzel first interacts with Gothel in the present day, she has the goal of trying to persuade her to let her go out for her birthday. This gives the story direction and it shows that Rapunzel is an active character. It helps the audience be more invested in her character because they can root for her and her goals. 

So giving Celeste a goal would help us invest in her character all the more. 

      2. Add Scene Structure

Branching off from the first point, I think this scene as a whole needs some structure. 

A typical scene structure goes like so: Goal > Obstacle > Disaster > Reaction > Dilemma > Decision > New goal. You can learn more about scene structure here.

Going back to our Tangled example, Rapunzel wants to leave (goal), so she tries to convince Gothel to let her go (obstacle), which results in the disaster (Gothel refuses, and tells her about the horrors of the outside world). Rapunzel reacts (fear) and falls into a dilemma (should she still go?) and ultimately comes to a decision (stay in the tower). 

So what is Celeste’s goal? It could be something as simple as try to impress Madame. Maybe that’s why she is trying to choose the best looking dress in the beginning. When Madame comes, Celeste trips all over herself trying to earn Madame’s approval but fails miserably. 

Or perhaps Celeste’s goal is to figure out more about the mysterious other side of the castle. She tries to ask Madame questions (obstacle), but upon Madame’s refusal to reveal any information (disaster), Celeste must think of a different way to find out information (dilemma and new goal).

As this story is called The Runaway Princess, I assume that she is going to be the one who is running away. To align with the title and foreshadow the main event, you should show some kind of restlessness or conflict in her everyday life, and adding in a goal, obstacle, disaster, and so on would help with that a lot. 

And that's it! Great job, and I hope this helps!

~ Erin Ramm