Is this boring????

*sighs*

I hate to say it, but I think your friend was right.

It’s not a bad thing, necessarily. The chapter introduced the family dynamic, and introduces a few things that will (obviously) come into play later in the story, but it doesn’t have a whole lot of oomph–by which I mean, something that draws the reader into the story. There’s something to be said for low-action scenes–they can be hard to write, and you did a great job with that here–but I’m of the belief that the first chapter of a story should introduce some sort of conflict along with the characters.

Your protagonist, if I understood it right, is August? He seems like a great character, but after reading this chapter, I don’t know why I should care about him (which probably sounds harsher than I mean it to be, sorry), or what his motivations are. What does he want? What does he struggle with? The fact that he’s okay with moving is a little interesting, but it doesn’t tell me a whole lot about his character, so honestly, I don’t care about him yet. But I’ve only read the first chapter (I’d love to read the rest, you have a great writing style), so that could change.

So…yeah. This chapter seems fairly plot-driven, which is fine, but that also means that the characters’ personalities and personal conflicts need a bit more to shine through. I think the chapter has great potential, but it could use a bit more pizzazz.

…whatever that means.

Hope this helps!

It is, definitely. You’ll get it right, though, I know it. 😉

@mnvalentine Thank you for sharing!  I do agree with Elizabeth and Skredder.  It is a little to dull and slow moving, even though its great for establishing some facts.  I like how you described the characters.  Now I am curious to read more. 🙂  I have terrible times with my first chapters too.  So exiting you are so close to publishing!

@mnvalentine

I agree with what everyone else has said. I think the problem has to do with the pacing and the passiveness of the main character. There is a lot of description that slow the story down and much of the information conveyed through dialogue could have easily been summed up in a few lines.

Just some thoughts…

#1: The article in the beginning… I think the story will flow better if you insert it in the story when you have August research a little about the Yvexas. I can sense a similar rush to introduce the characters but this is not absolutely necessary so long as the reader knows enough to understand what’s going on (August’s family is moving for his mother’s new job). Bring in the information as and when it is needed. In fact, I think some of the characterization would be better conveyed through showing instead of being stated outright (e.g. you can show that August’s father is a layabout and remove the telling of his background, you can show Trent making friends more easily after they move).

#2: I understand the need to introduce the characters in their “normal life” before they go on their “adventure” but I don’t see anything particularly interesting in August’s “normal life” that warrants so much exposition. In this case the story can just start off with August’s mother getting the job offer with just a short mention of her job search. In fact, you can just start off with the family arriving at the Yvexas’ and briefly explain the context if their time with the Kramers is not relevant to the plot.

#3: Speaking of which, what do August and Trent have against Jason Kramer? Sure he’s rich and his children got into college easily but he got his secretary to write his mother a letter of recommendation. So far there’s no indication that he is not a decent employer. Leaving things like this just make August and his brother seem like petty kids who are jealous of rich people (how old are they by the way?). Perhaps some context as to why the Kramers are apparently so bad (they flaunt their wealth, they bully the brothers and think of them as servants etc.) would help the reader feel for August and understand why he is so eager to move.

#4: Is this written in August’s POV? If so, why does he refer to his parents by their first names instead of Father and Mother? Is it a peculiar character trait of his? Because as I was reading I just got confused and briefly thought Susan was August’s sister or something.

#5: The whole “sibling is more popular and better at everything” thing… I am personally rather tired of this cliche so I’m a little wary but since you’re writing it I trust that some important developments will come from there. 😉

@mnvalentine I cannot read it as of right now because I have to go, but I just wanted to tell you that I’ll beta-read the first chapter for you and get back to you on this. 🙂 If I’m writing tomorrow, which I hope to be, I’ll read it. 😀 But I liked the newspaper magazine article you included!