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Hey, everyone! 😃
This is my most recent, completed poem. Please critique it and let me know what you think! I’m looking for feedback an all aspects of the poem (including the name, and consistency of imagery), so don’t be shy if you have any thoughts to share. (I’m working on sharing my poetry more often and seeking regular feedback.)
Thanks! 😊
The Moonlit Sea and Me
By Mallory O’Bier
Betwixt the stars and the moonlit sea,
A breeze and a wooden boat, is me:
Between a wondering and a thinking,
A silent gaze and a blinking,
Over a swell and a sinking feeling
Floats body and soul and boat on the sea
Of a wandering, lonely me.
Whither to go, and whether to be:
To clasp chains to my heart or set free—
To sever the ties binding me
Or anchor them more tightly;
Taking life more seriously
Or living a little lightly.
Are birds truly free?
Or bound to find a place
To rest their feet,
To mate and raise a family?
And who is freer, lonely me?
Or the woman at home,
A family to keep;
Caring for those she loves
And willing to be
The ballast of young hopes and dreams?
And what dreams do I
Hold close in my heart?
Is the sailing of my boat a start?
Will this inky sea carry me
To a land of promise, a fairy—
Star my guide, or will
The tide me and my boat bury,
Deep in the sand and
Depths unknown?
If I had wings, I’d rather have flown
And avoided this treacherous sea.
But I am not a bird nor a wife, and my dreams
Are shining, a full moon tonight:
The darker my night, the
Brighter my dreams,
The more holes in
My boat, the stronger the
Seams—
That hold body to soul
And boat to the sea.
I seem so lonely,
My craft so empty;
But that is an illusion
The stars have cast,
For there are everyone
I love, both present and past,
Urging me on through
The moonlit sea.
Betwixt my doubts and wondering
And thinking,
I crest a wave with a
Rising feeling
For a pinprick of light,
Not of the moon
But of the sun, appears:
It will be morning soon!
The light grows brighter,
And I awaken to find
I was dreaming the boat
And inky sea,
And all the starlight
Resides in my dream-filled
Soul in my body;
And my hopes aren’t
Dark, but bright as the day,
Because the shadows
Are gone
And I’m awake to pray:
Betwixt the fading stars
And the blushing sky,
A soft blanket and a feather
Pillow,
Am I.
I’m not a poetry expert, so you might want to take my opinion with a grain of salt. But here goes!
I love your imagery, you did a good job with that. I got a clear picture in my mind.
The only thing I would say is … I really can’t tell who is speaking. I’m assuming it’s a sailor, but I really don’t know.
Also, the last four lines were kind of forced rhyming.
Other than that, I really didn’t notice anything. Over all, you did well. 😃
This girl is armed with books, coffee, and writing accoutrements!
Thanks, @light-warrior-pen ! I’m glad you liked my imagery. 😊
The subject is me, the author, and the boat and sea is a fictional, metaphorical dream I used to describe the feeling of living in myself, I suppose. (Although I was next to the sea when I wrote it, and I have been in wooden boats many times. My dad is a fisherman, so.)
I’m glad you pointed that out about the last lines. I’ve been working with those a bit because I’m not quite satisfied with them. I’ll see if I can’t make them a little richer! 😃
Thanks!
I could tell from the poem that you had been around the sea a lot. You spoke as if you knew it.
I have the same trouble with endings, though I don’t write poetry. We’re in the same boat (no pun intended).
You’re welcome! 😊
This girl is armed with books, coffee, and writing accoutrements!
Love the imagery. I live right next to the sea and was able to visualize it very well. (I must say sitting on the seashore is such a nice quiet time where poetry comes easily to me)
I would repeat what the others said about the last lines but in general it’s a lovely poem. It shows how the mind and soul of the author can feel trapped in dark stormy night but then wake up to knowing the greatness and light of the Lord. I found this very relatable and enjoyed it immensely.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf
Thanks, @elanor ! 😀
You grasped the concept of my poem perfectly! I’m glad you enjoyed it and found it relatable. 🙂 Because it’s very personal, I really wasn’t sure if anyone would be interested in it. I’m glad I decided to share it!
I’m still working on those last lines. I’m torn between fleshing them out and changing them a bit to better mirror the beginning of the poem, or simply cutting them entirely and ending the poem on “And I’m awake to pray.” Definitely giving both a try!
I’m doing a few small internal edits as well and hopefully will repost an edited version soon.
I just have to recapture the feeling I had when I wrote the poem…
Endings are tricky, aren’t they? @light-warrior-pen ? Sometimes they come naturally and effortlessly, but most of the time they take a lot of staring at the WIP, then staring off at nothing, then staring at the WIP again, then writing gibberish, then…
I don’t know how I missed this, but want to say that I love this poem! The lines…
“And what dreams do I
Hold close in my heart?
Is the sailing of my boat a start?”
and
“But I am not a bird nor a wife, and my dreams
Are shining, a full moon tonight:
The darker my night, the
Brighter my dreams,”
Those are perfect, beautiful lines💗
"Would you kindly...?"
@avancello, your comments made my day! I’m so glad you like my poem! 🙂 It really makes sharing it worthwhile! I was seriously thinking about just burying this poem after editing it, but maybe I’ll publish it somewhere after all.
I’m actually considering altering one of those lines slightly, so I’m curious about what you think.
It would be changing–
“But I am not a bird nor a wife, and my dreams
Are shining, a full moon tonight:
To–
“But I am neither bird nor wife and my dreams
Are shining, a full moon tonight:”
Which do you prefer? 🙂
I think the second one,
“But I am neither bird nor wife and my dreams
Are shining, a full moon tonight:”
Has a better flow to it 🙂
"Would you kindly...?"
I know, right! My endings usually end up with the action tailing off and then an abrupt start. AKA, not good. 😂
Yes, try to get it published! I think you can publish poetry on the KP blog. You could send it in there.
This girl is armed with books, coffee, and writing accoutrements!
Awesome, @acancello! I prefer that one too! 🙂
I’ll think about it for sure, @light-warrior-pen. 🙂
Beautiful. The way you used layered meanings of words is making me want to get my violin out and sing. I love the ambiguous speaker who could be just anyone; you, me, a fairy child…it makes my imagination shiver.
I don’t have any real critiques, but as I just ran across this two months after it was posted, I suppose that doesn’t matter. Thank you for sharing!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork@overcomer This is gorgeous. <3 It pulled me in so much, and the atmosphere you set up is stunning.
My only real comment is that your transition about a fourth of the way through from longer to shorter lines felt a little bit awkward? You came out of it very well at the end, but going into it and shifting the cadence of the poem felt a bit disjointed.
But truly, I loved this poem. <3 Thank you for sharing.
wonder | beauty | truth | love
Thanks, @koshka! I love the layered meanings of words too. It was funny because I drafted it so hastily and impulsively that I didn’t even realize the full depth of meaning I had woven into the poem–until I was reading and rereading while editing. It was intentional and yet much of it was subconsciously done.
I just let all of the mixed-up thoughts and feelings flow out onto the page in whatever form they wished to take. The result was like revealing treasures that had been buried beneath the tumultuous waters of my mind. 🙂
You’re welcome to offer critiques if you have them! I’m still working on the poem, I’ve just been too busy (and also undecided on how I want to proceed with some of the edits I’m working with) to post it again for the next round of critiques. But I’ll make an effort to do so soon. I’ve been working on a new ending for it instead of the current one, and I think I like it better. 😀
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