Finding You Critique (Will be continued Updates!)

 

 

I gripped the bars of the cell so hard my knuckles turned white.

I thought he had changed.

I thought he cared.

He did it.

The thing I never thought he would do.

I felt like I was in a haze.

The noise of chains met my ears.

He said he understood.

He helped me.

How could he?

I staggered and gripped the bars harder.

He said he would protect me.

That they were wrong.

But then they came.

The noise of the chains rattling came closer.

He didn’t say a word.

He didn’t try to stop them.

He let them take me.

My knees buckled and I fell to the ground.

He turned me in.

And now I’m going to die.

 

~ ~ ~ ~          ~ ~ ~ ~       ~ ~ ~ ~          ~ ~ ~~

(Trigger Warnings- a slap, harsh words, and cut)

 

       Chapter 1

        X392

 

“Hey! Girl! Stop where you are!”

His words brought me back to the real world, and I froze.

He walked over to me, terror racing up my spine when I saw he was a commander. He looked at me sharply. “What rank are you?”

I gulped, “X.”

His expression got harder, and he glared down at me. “How dare you?! What are you doing over here?”

Looking up at him I felt very small and trembled a little, not knowing what to say. I couldn’t say what it was, he wouldn’t understand the feeling of being starved when he gets a meal three times a day. I hesitated to answer.

He saw my hesitation and stepped closer to me, his voice low. “I said, what. Are. You. Doing. Here?!”

Shaking in fright I said, “N-n-nothing, sir.”

“That’s what I thought.” He slapped me so hard in the face that it stunned me for a second. “Get back to work! NOW!” He barked, then walked off.

I stood shaking for a second then ran. Tears welled in my eyes, the side of my face stinging as I kept running. I ran past the training buildings, past the houses of the soldiers I was a servant to, past the other boys who were sitting in a group probably planning some sort of mischief that involved hurting me. I ran past all that, and slowed as I came to an old, abandoned shed.

I looked at it for a moment, remembering him who lived there. Him, which was the only thing that kept me going, the only person who put a little hope in me. He’s been gone for a year now, and so had my hope.

I bit my lip and started to walk around the shed. Against the back of it was a little lean to. Just a big board leaning against the shed, rocks and dirt piled behind it, and over the front like a door, was an old dirty piece of curtain. I pushed it open and sat inside. This was home.

In the corner against the wall of the shed was a feed sack full of dirt that was my pillow, and next to it was my thin worn blanket. On the other side of my lean-to was a bowl of mush, full and untouched. We got a bowl full of it every morning. But I rarely ate it, only choking it down every few days. It tastes like cement and was like it where if I didn’t eat it while it was still warm, it would turn as hard as a rock.

I yawned and rubbed the side of my head that was throbbing. Maybe if I laid down for a few minutes, it would feel better. I could sleep for a little bit and then be all ready to start working. As I thought about it more, I felt more tired. I hadn’t slept well the last couple of nights. So why not? I laid down, my head on the feed sack, and pulled the cloth I used as a blanket over me, so I could cover my head to block out the bright sun.

I yawned again, then closed my eyes.

I jerked awake, my heart slamming. I knew I heard something, what was it that scared me so much? I pushed the blanket off of my head and looked around frantically. Then I heard it. The buzzer. Fear gripped me. I had slept too long. I got up and bolted out. The buzzer rang again. I was too late. The last time I didn’t get to the line until two buzzers rang I got beat up. But three? I ran and slipped into the single file line with all the others.

I saw the commander look at me and glare. My heart almost stopped, terrified of the punishment I’d get for this. The commander walked down the line of people, with his face as hard as a rock, his eyes piercing into each person as he passed them. When he came to me, he stopped, and his look cut into me so much, I looked down, my frame trembling. He nodded to one of his men, who came and grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the line.

My knees felt weak, like they were going to give out any minute. The man said, “She will be getting punishment for not coming when called, and letting the buzzer ring 3 times, before showing up.”

The commander, with his eyes piercing through me, said low and firm, “What’s your rank and number? And do you have anything to say for the reason you were late?”

I swallowed hard, feeling all eyes on me. “It’s a …. X … X392 … and yes. I got overworked, so I was so tired, that I had to sleep-”

He cut me off, roaring with anger, “How dare you?? You stupid X! You have no excuse!!” He pulled out a knife, which made my heart almost stop, “Now, come here for your punishment.”

I stepped forward shaking in fear, my heart slamming so loud it was banging in my head.

He held my head, and pressed the knife into my left cheek, and dragged it down, cutting open my cheek. I didn’t dare to cry out in pain, or scream. I just bit my lip really hard, fighting tears.

“And tonight you have to stay out in the woods outside of the camp. All night long! And if I see you sneaking back in, the punishment will be more severe!  GO!” He pushed me so hard forward I almost fell.

With tears threatening to spill down my face, I ran, but when I got to the gate I stopped. I had never had to be out of the camp before. The barbed wire fence kept the wild animals out, but out there in the open, nothing would protect me from them. My frame trembled as I stepped out through the gate. As soon as I did, an officer closed it behind me. Looking I could tell there was no way that I could get back in, the gate was covered with spikes and barbed wires. I’d kill myself just trying to get in.

As tears started to run down my face, burning my wound, I ran through the fields, and dirt piles, through it all, running as fast as I could go, stumbling over rocks, and tripping over roots. When I could run no more, I fell to the ground and cried. The tears made my wound burn which made me cry all the more.

I heard a rustle in the trees, stopped crying, and sat up quickly looking around. “H-hello-o?” I asked softly, my voice shaking. There was no response. I shivered as a cool wind blew, and the sky was darkening.

My frame started to shake, all I wanted was to curl up in my little lean to, and snuggle under my blanket, feeling safe and warm. But out here I felt unprotected and cold.  Fear gripped me, and for the first time ever I was alone.

 

@freedomwriter76 @orielle21

(Tw- None)

Chapter 3

Nathaniel

 

I started sweeping the front porch of the store, using hard big strokes to try to get the layer of dusty dirt off of it quickly.

I was about halfway done when I saw a woman and girl walking up the pathway. I stopped, to let the dust settle so it wouldn’t get in their eyes.

The woman was tall, and nice looking, but my eyes stayed on the girl. I gave them both a smile of hello.  The woman just nodded, and the girl, grinning up at me, gave a happy, “Hello!” Her dark eyes shone brightly, as she walked into the store.

A felt a sharp pain in my heart. Did she still look like that? All Beautiful and happy… And if so…where is she now? I shook myself. No, I could let the sadness set over me. I was at work, busy. I Need to finish my job. I could think about her later. Right now, I need to work.

I went back to work on the porch, though I knew in the back of my mind that I could never stop thinking about her.

I had finished the porch to my satisfaction, sweeping, and re-sweeping around the edges by the time the woman and girl walked out. The girl was smiling happily, holding a bundle close to her, probably some fabric for a new dress.

Another pain tugged at my heart. Did she have the joy of getting nice things like a new dress, like she did when she was little? Or was she even treated that nicely? Again, I pushed the thought away, and after watching those two figures get lost in the crowded street, I leaned the broom against the porch wall, dusted off my hands on my pants, and headed inside.

Big wooden shelves lined the walls on the left side of the room, with things like fabric, ribbons, and already made clothes. The bottom shelves had shoes and leather. On the other side of the room, was all sorts of tools and materials, like shovels, bricks, paint, and rope. Towards the back wall, was the large wood counter, and behind it on the back wall was foods, from milk, eggs, and cheese, to veggies, pies, and even some candy people bought for their children.

Behind the counter was Mr. Collins. He was a great, kind, hardworking man. He smiled at me when I walked in. “Hey Nate, do you think you could use that strong young back of yours to get a box of bricks from the back, and put them where they go? I noticed that we looked low on the shelves.”

I nodded, “Yes sir.” I headed over to him, past the counter, and into the back room.

I found the boxes of bricks, and picked it up, and quickly walked out, its weight bearing me down. I sat it down carefully and took a deep breath.

Mr. Collins, who was watching, chuckled, “Not as strong as you thought?”

I laughed, “I guess not, sir.” I opened the wooden box and started stacking them in their place.

As I was doing it, some more people came in, some going to the counter to get food, others looking at the clothes. Collins’ Market was a popular place, it having almost everything, so people only had to make one visit. I was lucky to get to work here. Mr. Collins had always been nice to me, and paid me well, and even invited me over to his house for dinner a couple times. His wife made amazing soups. Was she getting enough food? Were they feeding her at all? Or did she have to find it all on her own?

I kept working, thinking of her.

Hold on Grace. 

No matter how far away you are. 

No matter where you are. 

No matter how long it takes me to get there. 

I will find you. 

Chapter 6

Nathaniel

 

Looking up I saw Mr. Collins putting the closed sign up. I sighed, glad the day was finally over, there had been a large number of customers, and an abundance of them kept making messes, like toppling over supplies, and knocking things off of shelves. I know they didn’t mean to… but still… Someone could for once pick up the things they dropped… Oh well, them dropping stuff, and making messes, and taking forever is what helps me with my job.

I slowly got up to my feet, biting my lip as a dull throb went through my back. I walked over to Mr. Collins as he finished filing through the money.

He looked up as I came over, a smile spreading over the old man’s face. Reaching over the counter he gave my shoulders a slight squeeze. Some boys my age would shrug it off, but I didn’t. It felt good after not having stuff like that for all those years.

“Thank you, Nate. Couldn’t have managed the shop without your help.” He smiled wider, and pulling his hands off my shoulders, he bent down, getting something from the counter shelves. He pulled out a little glass container of something.

“This is some of my wife’s favorite stew, she just didn’t want to imagine you not having a good home cooked meal.”

I started to refuse it, but he interrupted me saying, “And she knew you would say no, but she said that you get over yourself, and let her give it to you. You need some meat on your bones anyway.” He chuckled slightly, it was no secret, I was kind of skinny. “So, I’m going to go heat this up in the back room, then you can take it home with you.” He walked to the back before I even said Thank you.

A warm feeling welled up inside me, looking down, I wiped my eyes on my sleeve, just this gesture, which may seem small, meant so much. The last time I had a warm meal…was when I had been over at their house. The Collin’s are amazing, they don’t just love with words, but with actions.  That’s another reason I loved working with Mr. Collin’s, he was teaching me how to love people with actions. Every answered question, every dusty floor that needs to be swept, all with love.

After a few minutes, Mr. Collins came back carrying a small basket.

“I put it in this so you wouldn’t burn yourself on your way home.” He said handing it to me.

I nodded. Swallowing the emotion welling up in my chest, “Thank you so much sir. And please tell Mrs. Collins thank you, for me.”

“Of course, you have a good rest of your day, okay Nate?”

“Yes sir, I’m sure I will, with food this good. You have a good one too.” I smiled, turning to go.

“Oh wait, I forgot something.” I turned to see Mr. Collins going into his money file. Pulling out a thick envelope he handed it to me. “Here’s this month’s pay. Thought you might need it a little early.” He winked at me, as if he somehow knew that if it wasn’t for his wife’s meal and the money early, I wouldn’t have been able to eat tonight.

I felt choked up. “T-thank y-you s-sir.” I turned to leave before he would see me almost crying. I walked out the door, and down the road. As far as Mr. Collins or I knew, it wasn’t a for sure I showed up the last week of the month, I could’ve got hurt, or sick, or some other reason for not coming. But he paid me early. And I know, if for some reason I couldn’t show up, I know that the Collin’s would never ask me to give back that money. They loved with their actions. And I was very fortunate to get that love from them. I didn’t deserve it. Not one bit.

As I plodded along the dirt road, I thought about how I thought this day would be like. It had turned out so different then I had imagined. It was as if someone…someone who had control of everything was watching over me. Not ever giving me something before I need it, but right when I need it.

I turned down the alleyway towards the tiny falling down house that I called home. As soon as I did, I saw them. A group of boys, going in and out of my house, taking things, and strewing my belongings everywhere. There were two older boys, probably in 15 or 16, and a couple younger ones. Coming closer, I saw their clothes were in rags. They were street boys.

“You boys know it isn’t polite to scatter my belongings everywhere?” I said sort of jokingly. I couldn’t yell at them for what they were doing. We had plenty in common, being on our own, and having to fend for ourselves to get food. And fortunately, a lot of times, people wouldn’t give street boys jobs, so to survive they took things that weren’t theirs.

I recognized one of the older ones, and he me. He looked at me confused. Probably not understanding how the guy who worked at that big store, lived in a dump like this. I nodded at them, pretending like I didn’t see them stuffing little things of mine in their pockets. They probably needed it more than me anyhow.

One of the young ones had scratches and bruises all over his face and arms. He trembled slightly saying in a shaky, fearful voice. “I-I-I’m s-s-so s-sorry s-sir..!” He shrank back, hiding behind one of the older boys, as a few of the others scampered away with frightened eyes. They were afraid of being caught, and punished. But I didn’t want to punish them, I just wanted to love them, like the Collins did with me.

I crouched down to be more at his level, saying softly, “Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to hurt you.” I picked up the bag with a few crackers in it that he had dropped when he flinched away, and held them out to him. “You can have these.”

He glanced up at the older boy, and he, knowing me nodded. The small boy slowly moved forward, dark brown locks of hair almost hiding the unsure look in his hazy green eyes. He reached out to take it, his scarred hands shaking. Taking it, he quickly drew back, mumbling a quiet. “T-th-thank.”

I smiled at him, as he walked away with all the others, but Sam, the older boy I recognized. Suddenly my eyes caught sight of something gold in his hand. Standing up quickly, I took a steady step towards him.

“S-Sam you can take whatever else, but I need that locket back.”

He turned it over in his hand, looking down at it. “I’m not sure… I could get a pretty good price for it…”

“No, I’ll give you something else…anything Sam.” I can’t lose that, it’s the only thing I have left of her!

“What’s in the basket?”

I sighed, “It’s a stew, really great, made by a really amazing cook. I’ll give it to you…and 20 bucks. Deal?” I opened the basket letting the wonderful smell of it come out. My stomach growled, but I ignored it. “Doesn’t it smell great? You can take the basket and all, and I’ll give you the 20 now.”

He nodded, looking satisfied. He handed me the locket as I was pulling a 20 out of the envelope of money. We traded, Sam scooping up the basket and started walking away saying, “I don’t get why you traded all this, for that little thing!”

I sighed, holding the locket against my chest, as if holding it would feel like holding a part of her close. Opening the locket, I stared at my darling sister.  Her bright blue eyes, and brown curls went amazingly with her adorable little smile. I rubbed my finger against her picture. Closing my eyes, I could still see her, happy, always smiling, and giggling at my jokes.

Tonight, I would go to sleep hungry, but I’d still have a part of her with me.

@orielle21 Don’t worry, help is here!

 

@esther-c Oooh yes. I’m very into free versions of everything loll. #brokeyoungadult

 

@power yaaaa. Luckily tho, now I have a friend who’s an EMT who totally lets me ask him all my concerning questions instead of googling them, so many things will be fixed for more kinda real in injuries and suchhh

oof yeah, I guess I didn’t think about that. But I feel like this guy is one of the very trained, as in they have to punch a wooden pole for hours, and prove that they are worthy of being cruel and tough enough to earn his rank. (like this is bad bad people) But thank you! I will take that into account!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by KattheWriter.