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Kefa posted an update 3 weeks, 6 days ago
@rae
Hey I know this is random and out of the blue, but you said if I need someone to talk to you would be there. And now I really need to talk to someone. (If you are NOT rae, mind your own bee’s wax and do NOT read on!)I don’t know if I should quit KP or not. I am just so stressed out about my family situation and I think it has gotten worse! Besides, I barely talk on here anymore. And I really wish I had a person that I could hug right now. But my family and I hate each other. My friends (since they are also boys) would probably mock me in a friendly way without realizing that they are offending me. And all of my extended family live nowhere near each other. So you are the best I got. (So please listen.)
My mom has been so hypocritical lately. And more than just the joke hypocritical way that moms are said to have. I think she likes my younger brother more than me. Today I got into a fight with my siblings and I did the right thing that my mom always tells me to do, I left. But then tonight I got all in trouble for leaving them! And plus, it was my younger brother’s birthday and we have a tradition at dinner where we say are favorite memory and things we live about them on their b-day. So I said what I love about him, but I couldn’t think of a single memory we had together. And I began to feel stressed and panic in my mind, feeling like I was a horrid brother. And my sister couldn’t see that I was silently panicking, so she laughed at my inability to think of something. And even though it was an accident, I am still really embarrassed about it.
And none of my family realized that I couldn’t think of one, so they skipped me. And I don’t remember why I was going on all that, but I just wanted to tell someone. I know that I am not the victim, but I am still very embarrassed about that.
Anyway, it made me realizes how horrid of a brother I am, and I wish I wasn’t so petty. And now whenever I come on here, it reminds me of the fight me and ellete had. And that reminds me of the fight I am having with my family. And that makes me feel depressed. So now I just want to defenestrate myself. 🙁 Thanks for listening.
You don’t have to ask me to listen you know. The only reason I live is to help others live too.
(IF YOU ARE NOT KEFA, THIS IS YOUR CUE TO CLICK OFF THIS AND NOT READ THIS MESSAGE! Thank you.)
Tbh, I’d be really sad if you left KP. As I have said before, you are a KPer, one of us. It makes you almost like a sibling in a way to me, related in the love of writing and our dear Saviour. But if this place is becoming a source of stress for you, then maybe it’s best if you take a break. Not totally delete your account, unless you feel it’s necessary ofc, but step back, remove one element of stress from your life. At least until you can figure things out.
I know most people you’ll go to on here or other places, will tell you to talk it out with your parents, or, if they want to give you bad advice, tell you to run away or something stupid. “Talk to your parents about it” is what everyone gave me, including my Andrew. It’s honestly a good piece of advice, but what most people who say that don’t seem to get is that some of us don’t have that good of a relation with our parents. I worked my whole childhood growing close to someone instead of my parents because my dad was at work, and Mom wasn’t always there for me, so I had trust issues with her. Then that someone I was close to died, and my entire world spiraled out of control. It took me two years to tell my parents about my suicidal thoughts, my brothers don’t know. Going and talking to my parents, even though they are good people, good Christians and I know that, has never been easy. I’ve heard from some that if you can’t talk, writing letters works many times. Maybe try that, explaining your thoughts and heart. If you can’t do that, then there is one other option that is always open, and that’s God. I turned my back on Him, and I got lost. If you can’t tell your siblings, or parents, or friends yet, then tell Him. Ask Him for help, and though it may seem like a phone call with no one on the other end, you know better than that, because He is within you.
I honestly am stumped on what else to say to you. I want to push you towards help and healing, but pushing too hard can hurt more. You and I, while similarities can be drawn, still have our own unique paths, so I can’t just tell you to do what helped me. I can only make suggestions, suggestions that may or may not work for you. Tbh, that kinda tears me apart.
I wish I could tell you something super wise, that would automatically solve all your problems, but I’m not that good. All I can think to tell you is when you know a dangerous storm is coming, you find a secure location where you will be safe. When the room is dark, you find the tiniest bit of light, even if it is but a candle’s flicker. In the tumult of your life, find that secure location, and find that flicker of light, then grasp and never let go, not even when you think all is safe. And that, I think I can say, isn’t merely a suggestion that may or may not work.
On the note of feeling like you aren’t a good brother, examine your life. Look for ways you can change. You might not see the change take effect right away, but if you keep working, there will one day be reward for your labor.
As always, I’m here if you need help, and while I may not have all the answers, I will do what I can. I can promise that.
If you feel like leaving KP is what you need to do right now to help, then I won’t hold you back. Though, it’d still make me sad. Pray about it. If you’d like, I can give you my email.
*hug of encouragement*