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@freed_and_redeemed I’m giving you my thoughts on your last snippet in an update because I might want to delete this later.
Firstly, when I first met Leon I didn’t like him too much (Riker and Hans always caught my attention more) but he’s growing on me.
Secondly, Leon would still feel the pain of his mother’s death. And I like that you actually showed that. I currently live with two brothers, an older by one and a half years and a younger by three years, but there was a third brother born around a year and a half after me. I call him the one who lived for three days and made me mourn for seven years. It wasn’t until I became a Christian that I actually felt peace about his death. I used to cry at night a lot when I was little for no other reason than that I wanted Uriah to be alive. I held him once, and then he was gone. Too often I see people think that just because someone didn’t live that long that little ones don’t remember them. But when a profound impact is made upon a child, they never truly forget. That’s why I like this scene a lot. Leon would still remember, he’d still grieve. It was refreshing to see that in writing. Most writers would say that his mother died of measles when he was young and leave it there.
I don’t want you to change that part too much, cuz it struck me.
Other than that, I’m very jealous that your writing is so perfect first try.
And those are my thoughts.