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RAE posted an update 9 months, 3 weeks ago
My greatest fear of being on KP was that the online friends I’ve found here would disappear, gone without trace and I’d never hear from them again, that I wouldn’t know how to contact them. I always cling onto the past, maybe it’s a bad ting, but the past defines who I am. A Backstory shapes who you are gonna be, and I take that to heart. If I forgot the past, I would forget myself.
I would say to keep hope in the future :]
I used to live somewhere where I only had one friend – quite literally one friend – and it was just us two against the world. I moved away and wasn’t sure what to make of the change. Did I miss my friend/sister? Yes, but slowly a new realm of people built around me and changed me for the better. At first I didn’t appreciate them, but when I looked back, I realized everything. I visited my previous friend three years later. We both realized how much we had changed, and yet still understood each other. It was the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced.
Look forward to your life with others, and the many, many people you are going to meet one day. Some of those people are going to be super awesome AND will want to be friends with you <3
Yeah, I understand that. We didn’t move, but for at least two and a half years I lost almost all contact with my friends (long story, basically we changed CC communities and churches around the same time) and it was really hard for me. I spent my lunchtime drawing a charrie, and chatting with aquintances. I had no friends the first year besides my brother, only in the second year did I finally find two people who I actually became friends with.
I think that one year of me alone changed me forever. The last hammer to fall was the terrible death from cancer of the person who was above just “best friend” in my mind. The slow piano song of life finally became almost totally solo. The ivories became flooded in tears, and the song has continued for two years, melodies that were once most sacred have died and and those who were once quiet undertones have become the main melodies.
I think why I’m so afraid of loosing all of you here on KP, is for the same reason Nahim protects Mandin with everything he has in him. I don’t want to loose what I have left.
I lost my little brother, my grandmother, my joy, my health, my life as it once was. Change is good in the overall plan, but in the moment, it’s like when I was little, waking up in the middle of night in my bunk bed, unable to see one thing. Stubbling down, almost falling over the edge to the floor and still unable to see a thing (I was temperarily blind. I don’t remember why) once finally out of my room. Crying out over and over, hoping this was all a weird dream, or that my parents would at least answer with a single whisper.
I still can’t sleep without at least a tiny speck of light.
Idk how this turned into talking from my heart, sorry.
Why do I feel like I’m Chase and you’re Marcel rn?
I’m known in real life for being the tired therapist friend everyone confides in, so my personality flashes in my characters sometimes 🙂
… I can’t just say “look at the bright side!” and make everything feel okay again. All I can say is to confide in your guardians, friends, or anyone else who is willing to have a meaningful conversation and keep it to themselves ❤️
If you keep it to yourself all the time, the problem becomes progressively bigger and bigger in your mind and is harder to let go. From the way you talk on here, I can tell you have a lot of pent up feelings that boil over into your writing, and story stuff that sloshes over into the irl territory. For example, you just compared yourself to Nahim’s emotions, and you used a lot of writerly, flowing language to describe your feelings. I feel like that is a result of mulling over it by yourself for too long.
I kept my insecure feelings very private after moving and being ignored in my first CC community, and ever since, I have had issues expressing myself when I’m sad or angry, and I just go straight into frozen-deer mode. That was the result of keeping it to myself.
Losing someone is not meant to be a solo experience. You need human interaction and a lot of slow, steady confidence-building. Don’t just talk to me, okay? ❤️
What if the person who died was the one you always confided in? What if you’ve talked to your father and know talking to your mother is a grave mistake. What if your paternal grandfather hurts you more than he helps, and you never knew your maternal grandparents. What if your friends wouldn’t understand? What if you’ve tried and it just didn’t work?
I’m a Lone One.
Do you have a bad relationship with your parents? And even if your friends or family wouldn’t understand, can they at least sympathize with you?
The reply but on is disappearing.
@whalekeeper
Maybe? Idk. I’ve always felt closer to my Grandma or my big brother in more recent years. It’s not their faults, I just feel like Mum doesn’t ever listen or understand, and Dad? He tries. You see, what made Grandma special and more than just the best friend or relative in the world was she knew me. She knew every morning when I was little that I’d want a piece of her breakfast. She was a good cook. She knew I wouldn’t want just the beautiful watermelon wrapping paper with pink background, but also the purple and fushia exotic flower bow. She knew I was interested in lymph flow. She knew, even when my own mom doubted me, that I would one day be with my horses. She knew I loved wildflowers, cool rocks, wild blueberries, loons, camping, morning sunlight. She even knew exactly how I liked my eggs cooked. Every birthday, I was never disappointed. It was like she could read my mind. She got me China on my eleventh birthday. Made up an entire treasure hunt (an activity that was my favorite) just so I could get my bunnies. Somehow, I think she even knew that those one page stories or four page book reports would lead to a handwritten first draft. Maybe she even somehow knew that Eugene would become Nahim.
What made Grandma special, and different was she was the wisest person I knew, even our pastor would talk with her, such talks he would say were a blessing, and she understood me to the very letter.
And what is sympathy?Does is help to know that someone feels your same pain but walks a different path? Does it help to know that someone else is hurting but can’t comfort you? My comfort has passed, for life has slipped into a waking dream. A dream that is like just the droning of an endless book, no arc, no plot, just on and on talking the silent tears shed in the night. I have done what is recommended, mostly. The rest, I cannot do.
Okay…I’m sorry to butt in on the conversation…but I just felt the need to say this. First of all, the past does NOT define who we are. If it did, we would have no hope for all our mistakes and never be redeemed. Jesus made it so that we are free from our past when He died on the cross for us.
Also, I know how hard being alone is, and I understand your fear of losing people you care about. So if you need to talk…I’ll be here!
And I promise that in the event I leave KP (hopefully many, many, years from now!) that I will give you my email so we can still talk <3
I know your going through a lot right now… *air hug!* and I know this might sound crazy, but have you tried talking to your parents about how you're feeling? A couple days ago I was TERRIFIED to talk to my mom about how I was feeling, and once I did, I felt so much better. God didn't make us to be alone, and when we avoid talking about our struggles and asking for help, they just get worse. (Trust me, I know from experience.)
Just please, please, try to talk to someone you trust about what you're going through, because it's only going to get worse.
*another air hug*
I'm praying for you right now girl <3
@rae
I think this is where I can’t help you.
I understand missing your grandmother, and you have a lot of genuine pent-up feelings, but I am not a person who can sympathize farther than that. However I believe empathy is the best you’re going to find from someone else – because unless you’re talking about God, no one else knows exactly what it’s like to be you. But they can try.
You should take what you just told me, and bring it to someone you know, even if you don’t think they’ll fully understand. You have to give people a chance.
Like I said, from the way you talk, you’ve kept this in your head for too long and are making this into a bigger problem than it might actually be… and I’m not saying death is a tiny problem. But we shouldn’t act like it’s an insurmountable problem when you can just go to someone and talk about it. I guess I’m saying this because your phrasing is very flowery, and that tells me you’re thinking about it lots.
I don’t know your parents. But you should show these posts to them. And if you can’t imagine doing so, maybe you should think about why you are expressing yourself in this way to me.