Mark Kamibaya

@daeus Go to recent forum topics. There are two topics of this.

@dragon-snapper This isn’t my strength either, but getting the reader to ask a question is definitely a good idea. A lot of the time, writing instructors will tell you to start things off with a bang, but I’m not so sure about that. For myself, I’m neutral about bangs. I like the bang, but in other ways it seems just a little pushy and most of all…[Read more]

I only see one

Ahh! How’d I make two of those? @daeus Are you able to delete the other one? 😛 Oops.

Ahh! How’d I make two of those? @daeus Are you able to delete the other one. 😛 Oops.

@daeus one last suggestion about the final sentence.

he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-hidden truth that will threaten his life.

I think that there should be a ‘being’ between ‘for’ and ‘shattered’. There needs to be some sort of verb there.

@HowlingWolf Well I wish I did, but I don’t write books so…no. 😛

@Daeus That’s great! One last thing I noticed is this though—the third and fourth sentence both have the same structure. The structure Kate pointed out. So maybe change one of them; I think it’d sound better. You cleared up any confusion though, and I love the last sentence.

@daeus One quick note, where you say’ discovering a historic treasure, Matthew returns…”
You spelled Matthew with one ‘t’.

@HowlingWolf Actually, we just had a thread about that recently. Hopefully you’ll find it helpful. https://kingdompen.org/forums/topic/little-peoples/

Hi Kenya! Yep. What the others said. The story concept is great, it’s just a question of how you’ll handle it.

@emma-flournoy Ok, how about this?

Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying…[Read more]

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*
@HowlingWolf

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*

@howlingwolf I concur with what @kate-flournoy said. I really do think this has potential.
Good luck with it 🙂

Heyyyy! Kenya! Nice to see you again! 😀
I think the story could have a lot of potential, but you’d need to think up a plot that would actually keep the story moving and make so many different children and families necessary. It doesn’t have to be complicated— it could be as simple as some bad-guy scientist trying to get them back, and their…[Read more]

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’. It sounds better, cuz we don’t know he endures it—we just know he’s confronted with it.