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Levi Pierpont posted an update 8 years, 8 months ago
Hey, @hislittlerose, I made some updates to the passage thanks to your critique. Here’s the new version, along with a little tad added at the end:
Gavryn awoke to his sister, Clairen, shaking his arm. “Gavryn, it’s time to go to school!” She cried. “We could be late!”
“Sorry, Clairen… just… really… tired,” He told her, his voice groggy and shaky. He got out of bed and found his school things, put them in his backpack, and walked down the hall to eat breakfast. He was always quick at getting ready.
“Gavryn, can you take the trash out to the incinerator? Desmond already left for school.”
“Sure thing, Mom,” Gavryn said ungrudgingly. He needed a minute away from others to think.
“Thank you, Gav,” she replied. He took the trash bag and walked out the front door and around the house, taking two steps on each segment of the walkway. Birds were the loudest at this hour, and cars could be heard from the nearby highway, going to pick people up and take them to their workplaces.
Finally, he reached the enormous metal box that burned the trash. He took the bag, threw it in, and began to walk back to the house. The incinerator roared to life and burned up the trash, making an impenetrable sound for a moment. But as it shut down, Gavryn noticed another sound, a ringing in his ear.
At first it was quiet and distant, but as he stopped to listen, it got louder, and louder, and louder. He looked around for something that could be making the sound, but failed to spot anything. At this point it was so loud he could barely hear himself think. He faintly heard his mother call for him, but when he looked towards the house, he found he couldn’t make out any details; it was all blurry. In fact, the more he stared, the more his vision shrank. He looked around to see that now everything was blurry,and no matter how hard he moved his feet, he didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere. The ringing was now the only thing he could hear, and everything around him went white. He looked down, but couldn’t see his feet. What’s happening to me? his thoughts screamed. He lifted his hand up to his face, but it was as if the white was in between him and his hand. Then… Nothing. Not black or white, not silence or sound. Just nothing. Gavryn reasoned frantically in his mind. Did I pass out? Did something hurt me? Am I dying? Is this what it feels like to leave the world? Then even his thoughts disappeared, and he couldn’t even find himself. He was just gone.Chapter IV
What may have been seconds or minutes or hours later, he thought again. He saw white again, and heard ringing again, and everything came back to him. He heard a bird chirping and a brook bubbling. He heard squirrels chit-chattering above him and causing leaves to drift down to the ground. This was odd. He had only heard birds outside. There was a brook nearby, but he didn’t remember hearing it this close.
His eyes finally cooperated with his brain and he began to see everything. First, he noticed that it was really bright now, and then that the colors themselves seem to be more alive. He looked around, but didn’t see anything he recognized.
Now fear set in. How will I find my way back home? Where am I? What if I get lost here forever and starve? Have I been abducted by the aliens? Then he noticed something that silenced all his mental chatter: a squirrel, tilting its head at him like a dog. But this wasn’t a normal squirrel. This squirrel’s fur was dark green with streaks of brown, and two small antlers grew above the ears. Gavryn took a step back and the squirrel’s tail waved back and forth. The little creature then flew down a small path into the brush of the forest. It’s that squirrel I saw! How did it get here? How did I get here? He thought. He slowly turned himself around and found that he was in a forest with creatures moving busily around him.
An eagle-like bird in a nest high above him held two tiny chicks against its breast. He felt something tickling his left leg, and looked down to see a huge butterfly pinning down a mosquito. He shook his leg and both quickly flew away. Either I’m hallucinating, or this isn’t earth. That was a startling reality. He thought about this for a moment, but was cut off by a man yelling at him.Thanks again for your critique!