Janellebelovedpig

@freed_and_redeemed

I can’t wait. We could write a book together and make everyone else hate us because we leave them in tears all the time. lol.

@theshadow

I really hate to do this again, but “wondered” was used twice again when Marcus was speaking to Ignatius.

No way!! I did not do that twice in a row! So sorry! haha! I normally catch that when I read back through it. thanks for pointing it out.

Oh, I’m glad the thing about Ignatius makes sense! No worries about not remembering!

@theshadow

I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with first chapters.

Oh dear, yeah, I had better use some body language. thanks for catching that. I’ll go back and hit some of those scenes!!!

Your right, if Ignatius was a normal guard. but, Ignatius is a Prætorian. As I mentioned in the first chapter, they are the elite soldiers, and in…[Read more]

@theshadow

Haha, no, I cannot stand repeated words! It’s like nails on the chalkboard!

Alrighty then, I’ll swap that scene around.

How is the second chapter? Better then the first? I always find my first chapter the roughest.

Ok y’all, here’s chapter two!!

 
Chapter 2
 

“Marcus. Marcus, can you hear me?”

Marcus slowly looked up. “What?”

“Marcus, what is wrong with you?” asked Julius. His tone was playful, but his green eyes held a hint of worry.

Marcus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know. I’m fine. I guess I was just thinking.”

“Abou…[Read more]

@grcr

No problem. Someone else mentioned it seemed out of place, and maybe use a part of it later.

Glad it was funny though!

Ok, in just a sec I’ll send chapter two. Let me skim it real quick to make sure there aren’t any horrid errors that are clearly visible. lol.

@grcr

So keep the fountain sword scene or not? Now I’m confused. lol.

@savannah_grace2009

No your suggestions are amazing! They are just what I have been looking for!

@trailblazer

Lol! XD

@ellette-giselle

Yeah, sorry if I went a little overboard on the critiques lol

I know I’m not the best at giving advice…sorry

@savannah_grace2009

Ok then. No worries. I’ll split it up. Right now this is just ideas. I mean, you guys are seeing this stuff literal the minute after a type the last word of the chapter. One I get farther into it I’ll have a more concrete setup.

@trailblazer

Yeah that’s basically what happened xD

glad I’m not the only one!

@ellette-giselle

Yeah…I bet you two will get along just fine XDXDXD

@trailblazer

Ok I love what savannah_grace2009 just said about doing the whole colosseum scene first- that makes a lot of sense!

*sighs in relief* Okay because I was panicking after I posted and then you posted that you really liked the fountain scene…I felt sooo bad lol

Yeah, I overthink a lot xD

As far as the fountain scene, I think you could…

[Read more]

@trailblazer

Awesome!! I’m glad you like the new beginning!

I should have chapter two out here in a few.

Oh good idea. I’ll do that with the thought thing.

@highscribeofaetherium

It was really weird for like ten minutes, now it’s normal…😐

@elette-giselle
Okay…so I’m going to attempt to give my thoughts.
Just so you know…I haven’t been writing for THAT long…so take everything with a grain of salt…
I just feel bad giving feedback for some reason xD

First…your revisions did help a lot (I read both the first draft and second rewrite).
But the new opening scene felt a…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Ooo!!! I like Freedom already!!! I love really sad scenes and doing bad things to characters. It’s all for a purpose of course, and it needs to be done. But…… it’s also fun to watch readers cry. lol.

Is it just me or did KP glitch out???? Like everything looks SUPER WEIRD

@ellette-giselle

I haven’t come across anything with Leon, Riker, sand Hans that people died in. am I missing something?

Leon, Riker, and Hans are Freedom’s characters from her novels. She posts really, really, really sad scenes from her books in the forums (usually The Chat Chat) that make @rae cry…(actually they make a lot of us cry :/)

YES T…[Read more]

@trailblazer

Ok, thanks! Haha, maybe my brothers and their friends are more wild, but it’s younger or older brother annoying each other around here. lol.

What did you think of the rewrite? was that better? I tried to make a few things a little clearer and also add some action in the beginning. If you still think it doesn’t build enough action…[Read more]

OK, I went ahead and rewrote some stuff in the first chapter. is this better? (I put the new stuff in bold so y’all don’t have to read the whole chapter over again.)

 
Chapter 1
Julius ducked a blow aimed for his head. He jumped back a step as his opponent quickly followed up the swipe with a thrust toward his chest. The enemy stumbled slightly…[Read more]